One episode in 2007 caught my attention. I remember it vividly. It was October 2007. It was stormy that night and Brian was volunteering at the fire station for the night. I tucked my five-month-old Amelia into bed and turned on Grey's. One of the cases in this episode was the storyline of a woman who was a runner and losing weight to please her boyfriend. (Weight is a touchy subject for me so this could be another reason this episode stuck with me.) She was very sick and needed surgery but she didn't survive the surgery because her body was too weak from her extreme weight loss. Callie, one of the doctors, yelled at the woman's boyfriend, basically blaming him for her death and his push for her to be perfect for him. I remember listening to Callie's words and thinking, "Wow! That is so harsh! I'm lucky to have someone like Brian who loves me for me." I watched the rest of the episode and tucked myself into bed after it was over.
Fast forward exactly three years to the day, to when our lives began to unravel. Brian died and things came up and I remember sitting on the couch sobbing through the night. In the back of my head, I kept flashing through several things. Panic at what I was going to do. Sadness thinking about Brian being gone and the loss of life as I knew it. And then, this quote from Callie. At the time, I thought her quote was appalling. How could she? How could she use those words against anyone? But they started to ring true for me.
Throughout my journey that has brought me to where I stand in this moment, this quote has come around more than once as I work through the grief process. Sometimes, I read it and immediately dismiss it as not true. Other times, I feel like someone could have spoken these words to Brian on my behalf. What are these words?
My process has brought me to a place where my life is amazing. I love where I am at in my journey and most days find myself grateful to be where I'm at. Today, for example, was great! Seahawks Training camp with my bestie and my girlies. Got to chat, if even for a brief moment, and get hugs from my other bestie. Texted with my sissy who should be home again soon. Had an end-of-day chat with my mama. Played with our chickens with the girls. Life today was good. But, even today, throughout the goodness of today, there was the constant undercurrent of what today was. August 5th. Today would have been our 9th anniversary. He's now been gone more years than we were married. And the Callie quote from Grey's came around one more time.
Do I believe that he didn't love me? Do I believe that he simply married me so he wouldn't be alone? I don't know. Honestly, I don't know if I really, truly think that, or if that's what I have told myself to help myself survive the pain of him opting out of our marriage and out of our lives. But that last sentence. The last part of that quote is the most important to me: "...you don't destroy people you love." That right there is the part that I struggle with in terms of that quote. You don't destroy people you love.
The good news in all of this? He didn't destroy me! He knocked me down for a while. And thinking of him, especially on days like August 5th, might take my breath away for a second, but he did not destroy me. I am stronger than ever. My girls are stronger than ever. We are a happy family of three. We have amazing family, the best of friends, a wonderful support system...he may or may not have loved me. I honestly don't care one way or the other. I love my girls. I love our life. And although I will always have the undercurrent of soul memories like August 5th, he did not destroy me. We are survivors, and we will continue to carry on, for our love for our friends and family is strong. And we work hard every day to build up those that we love.
So, reflect on your relationships for a minute. Think about anniversaries and your partners, family and friends. Even think about strangers on the street. God's greatest command is to love one another. Think about your words and actions. Think about how you treat others in your life. And always remember...you don't destroy people that you love.
