I Cannot Sleep…I Cannot Dream Tonight…

When things are off-kilter in my home, the first to go is our sleep.  My children are the same way.  Every morning for the last few weeks at least, I have been waking up little zombies every morning.  They whine and cry and beg for more time.  They throw little fits as I usher them to the shower and turn the water on, begging them to just shower, it’ll make you feel better.  That doesn’t work for our kind of tired.  The shower only makes you wet.  It doesn’t make you awake.  When the exhaustion creeps in and seeps into every crevice and every corner of your being, the water streaming onto your face only masks the tears for a little bit.  Things are off-kilter right now.  And our sleep is suffering.

Emerson, my usually chipper morning girl, trudges to the shower, crying and begging for it to be Friday so we can go to bed and sleep our way through the weekend.  Amelia, who is like her momma and could stay up all night long, has never been a morning person, but is even less so now.  Two mornings a week I wake her a bit earlier to jump in the shower first so she can catch a ride with my parents to school for early morning choir practice.  This morning’s wake up brought tears and begging me to let her skip choir and stay sleeping.  I coaxed her from under the covers and lied to her, telling her the shower would make her feel better.  When she was done she walked to the edge of my bed and grumbled, “Now I’m tired and wet and cold…” before she turned and walked to her room to pull clothes over her shivering little body.   And me?  I am used to no sleep.  It’s been a while since I’ve gotten the full amount of sleep I’m probably supposed to get.  Between babies and Brian dying and all that came with that package, sleep has sort of been an elusive dream at times.  It also doesn’t help that if I am processing something, it manifests itself in dreams, nightmares, night terrors, however I am going to work it all out.  I have been trapped in a night terror for three nights in a row now, searching for something, waiting for realizations to happen, and for my Father in heaven to eventually lead me down the healing path that I am destined for in this journey.  It’ll happen.  I never know how long it might take, but it’ll happen.

So, really, we all wake up little zombies.  I stagger my way through my day, fighting a five-day headache and wondering if I’ll make it until I can fall into my bed again tonight, knowing full well that I won’t be resting.  Knowing that I’ll be thinking and overthinking and wondering and then, when I do fall asleep, I’ll be fighting the demons in my nightmares.  Sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep, so rather than fall into bed and risk being thrust into the darkness where I’m running and searching, and climbing, and crying, I force myself to stay awake.  Talking to friends and keeping them up until the wee hours of the morning so I can do anything but lay in bed and risk all of that all over again.

This morning, as I shooed Amelia out the door to choir, I jumped in the shower and cried.  Cried from exhaustion.  Cried because my babies are so tired.  Cried because my friends are not getting rest.  Cried because I’m so busy at work and my friends are sick or hurting.  Cried because people have lost loved ones.  Just cried.  One giant pity party.  Then, I could see Emerson’s figure outlined in the tinted glass of the shower door.  So, I stopped crying, got out of the shower, got dressed, and summoned her to the bed to snuggle with me.  She asked me why I was crying and I told her.  I told her that I was sad that we are all so tired and I wish that I could fix it.  And then, her tiny, sure, confident, also sleepy voice reminded me, “Um, you can’t fix any of this.  But God can!”  I smiled at her, and I grabbed my Bible and turned to Matthew 11:28 which reads, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  Emerson asked what that means and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I explained to her that it means that I am looking to find rest in all of the wrong places.  I am wanting rest in my big king-sized bed in the midst of troubles and heartaches.  I am wanting rest in my own head, fighting the demons by myself and relying on my own tenacity to get through this.  I am wanting rest from my headaches by worrying and panicking and thinking the worst.  I am wanting rest from the nightmares by working through things on my own and getting to the end of the dream so that I can solve…what?  This is not how I get rest.  I get rest by putting down the worries and the burdens and the pains and the fear.  I get rest by being still with Him and knowing that He is there and carrying me through all of this.  I get rest by praying and singing praises to the name of my Heavenly Father who is there to bolster me up, dust me off, and move me forward.  I get rest by letting go, and letting God.  He is the Master Planner.  He is the Wonderful Counselor.  He is the one that will walk us all through this, and give us rest.  Mathew 11:28.  God’s nighttime solution written just for me.  As I fight sleep and fight in my nightmares, He is standing next to my bed, holding my hand, wiping the tears from my eyes, and boldly stating: “Tammy, come to me.  You are weary and burdened.  I have rest waiting right here for you.” 

And this solution is for all of my friends and family, and even strangers that I don’t even know as well!  So, pray this out loud if you are struggling with nighttime issues, no sleep, insomnia, nighttime demonic attacks, nightmares, night terrors, whatever it is you are struggling with.  Insert your name at the beginning of this statement and read it knowing that it is presented in God’s sweet, gentle voice, “__________, come to me.  You are weary and burdened.  I have rest waiting right here for you.”

So, sleep tonight!  Sleep knowing that the Good Shepherd is standing beside your bed, wanting you to rest and find comfort in him.  The Shepherd will help you count sheep, and fall peacefully asleep in His loving presence.

All of Me...

The girls and I spent our morning off together at the movies watching the movie Sing. It was a very cute movie and such a nice chance to get away from everything with my kids. Sitting in a dark movie theater, it's the perfect time to just sit and think about nothing. Just enjoy a nice movie and enjoy the time away from it all. Except today, my mind was a million miles away from the movie theater as I thought and prayed and wondered about my friends who I knew had such a difficult night. My attention was torn between this cute movie and the six-year-old next to me asking a million questions like she always does during movies, and thoughts of my friends, weary and exhausted and being tormented by demons and difficulties and not feeling well.

As the movie played on the screen, my attention was being drawn towards the voice of Father God in my head, whispering messages for myself and for my friend. I was bringing my phone out occasionally to take notes on what I was thinking and hearing and needing to pass on, and also watching the scenes unfold on the giant screen in front of me. Gorillas planning a heist mixed in with words of being a woman of strength. A porcupine playing the guitar flashed across the screen just as I heard word of reading a passage out of 1 Samuel. The Bible in my vision flipped to Matthew just as a pig made plans to streamline her day.

The conversation with God started off on a message about being strong in the Lord, being a strong team and a strong union for Him and His glory. That the latest difficulties and setbacks we are experiencing are nothing for Him. We just need to obey Him and persevere and keep our eyes focused on our Lord and Savior.

Then, the gorilla on the screen began playing John Legend's song "All of Me". And tears welled in my eyes. All of me. Father God, I commit to you with all of me. In order to walk with Our Father and to remain faithful to Him, I commit to Him body, mind, spirit, and soul. He is the author and perfecter of my faith. He is the one that is omniscient and knows exactly the plans He has for me in my life. All of me.

I am not a perfect person by any means, but when it comes to friends and people, I am fiercely loyal. I tend to have just a handful of really close friends that I share with, and I cling to and treasure those friendships and relationships with my whole being. I have had the honor of walking through this part of my life with my friend Melody. What started out as a work relationship where I was intimidated by her expansive knowledge and no nonsense attitude around the special education meeting table we often shared soon turned into a bonded friendship that I wouldn't know what to do without her. And just a couple short years ago (I can't believe it's been years! Where does the time go?) we escalated our friendship even higher when we became prayer partners as well. Sharing God in our relationship has further bonded us on Christian love and respect for each other.  When things in our lives come up, where there used to be panicked tears and clinging to each other, we are getting better about turning it into prayer and turning it over to God. The basis for our relationship is prayer and faith and hope and peace and love. We have committed to praying together, taking communion together, reading devotions together, sharing our faith with each other. And the outcome has been incredible.

All of me. I commit to my bestie and prayer partner with all of me on this path and on this journey called life. Because being with her and being her prayer partner keeps me faithful and keeps my eyes on the important things in this life. Like Father God. Committing all of me to God, and also including Melody in that plan as my prayer partner, has deepened my faith to a level I have never experienced. When panic and heartache and difficulties set in, I have a different reaction than I used to. I would be riddled with anxiety and a wreck before too long. Now? I might have a quick anxious, panicked moment and then I realize that the God that I serve is so much bigger than anything I am going through. Anything I am experiencing. And in my feeling unbalanced and unsure and worried, I listen for His still voice because He'll be there. I just need to be still and listen for Him. And in the moments that I need some backup or extra reassurance, I turn to my friend and prayer partner, Melody. She reminds me that I am a daughter of the King. She reminds me that I am strong in the Lord. She reminds me that rather than throw words of anxiety and panic into the universe I simply need to turn to God in prayer. And we walk through those moments together.

We speak often about how God is all you need. Father God is the sole person that you need when walking through this life. He wants and needs all of me. All of my heart. All of my prayers. But, he gives us earthly companions to walk this journey with us and to remind us that He is with us and He has us in the palm of His hands. I have Melody. She is my person. My friend. My confidant. My prayer partner.

We all need a person. We all need someone who will prod us back on course when we are wandering aimlessly. We need someone who will drop to their knees and pray when the going gets rough. We all need a connection with someone who is there for us, and will remind us how amazing we are, and who is in charge and what our plan and purpose is. How blessed I am to have someone who is willing to give their all to me, and who I can give my all back! God and me and the best prayer partner ever. Find yours! Make that connection with someone! Give all of yourself to our Father, but also find someone to give your all to on this journey on earth.

Matthew 18:20 says, "For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." God is in the midst of prayer partners. He there when you're alone also, but when there is more than one believer gathers together, amazing things can happen! Melody and I have seen amazing things together on this journey! And we are faithful that even more amazing things are coming! We just need to be still, know that God is with us, and give all of ourselves to Him.

All of me. I give all of me to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. And I give all of me to the prayer and faith and hope and peace and love that surrounds my prayer partner and me. We were created for such a time as this, and great things happen when we are gathered in His name! Find your person! Find your prayer partner! Find the one that you want to walk through this crazy life with!

May God bless you on that journey, and may you find all of yourself on that journey! It's an amazing powerful path! And all of me is in for the ride!

My Hope is Built on Nothing Less...

On the way to work this morning, I prayed.  The whole way to work this morning, I prayed in tongue.  Something that I am not comfortable with at all.  Something that I do not feel gifted in at all.  Something that to me sounds more like a frog struggling to choke down a fly than prayer.  But it was all in tongue.  From the moment I hit Ridgetop, until I pulled into the parking lot at work.  And I sobbed all the way in also.  Coming over the crest of Ridgetop, it was like the sky opened and rays of sunshine beamed all over Silverdale, and over Maxim Mountain, and over my truck.  I was filled with the Holy Spirit and thus the praying in tongue and the sobbing.  It was so overwhelming, and so comforting.  I felt so loved and so helpless all at the same time.  And in the instant that I reached the light at the 303 interchange, I heard the words “Hope is real!” whispered into my ear.

I paused the praying and the crying, and my first thought was, “Of course hope is real!  That’s what we’ve been banking on for so long.  That’s what gets sucked away when we have doctor visit days.  That’s what we fight to get back to after talking to Swedish and doctors and nurses who are immersed in the everyday battles against glioblastoma.  But those doctors and nurses don’t have the hope that we have.”  Of course hope is real.

Thinking about the course that the doctors take in this seemingly losing battle, I realized that for so many people, hope is not real.  And this…this is our gift to others all around us.  Writing this not knowing what you are going to be telling me in a few hours, I am clinging to that hope.  I am clinging to seeing the words “IT IS GONE” come across my cell phone screen.  I am singing “My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus’s blood and righteousness.” And then the tears start falling again, because THIS is our mission right now from Father God.  THIS is what we are supposed to bring to others.  THIS is the most important thing that we are going to transfer to the non-believers and the sorta believers around us.  HOPE!

We have been the hopeless.  I have been the hopeless.  I have been one to sit, wondering what we are going to do without Clay in our lives.  I have jumped to the end and wondered what we are going to do.  I have been hopeless in this and felt totally alone and struggling with these emotions.  We cannot help ourselves out of this situation.  If we even tried, we would only end up with bigger feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that we find without Father God present.   I believe that this will be our message in the mess:  We have to strive to bring the news of Jesus Christ and all that He has to offer to others, the gift of hope, even when we are struggling to find that ourselves.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10

The dictionary says that hope is “a feeling of optimism or a desire that something will happen.”  It is our job in this terrible situation, to show people our hope, and to bring hope to the situations that plague them also.  When we bring hope to others, we bring life.  It is life-changing what we are going through and what we have been through.  And not just the tumor!  Looking past the tumor, and the hope that we have found, this is life-changing!  When we bring hope, we bring life!  The hope that we have in Him is more than just asking God for something that we desire will happen, such as Clay’s complete healing; we have to amplify our hope and fully expect our miracle!  We need to pause and search for our answer somewhere among our praying, pleading, and expectation that God is going to answer our prayer.  I have faith that we will find exactly what we are looking for.  And that is the promise of restorative healing to Clay, and to all of us, that are part of this journey.  So many lives and hearts and souls will be saved because we have hope!

“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living..”  Psalms 27:13.

There are too many people in our world, in our communities, in our families that have lost hope.  There are so many hurts and problems and diseases.  So much cancer and heartache and broken families.  So many wars, political battles, and financial failures. It seems as if the world has no hope. 

Without God, the world is awful, dark, and hopeless.  But with the help of our Heavenly Father, we can make it through all of this. This situation that we're in? No matter what those scans say, there is hope! We maybe can't see it or feel it at times, but it is there for us! It is there within our grasp. Where is our hope? Our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus. Jesus Christ is where we go for hope. 

I Googled the phrase "Bible verses about hope" and found some sources for us:

Psalms 39:7 "And now, Lord, what do I wait for?  My hope is in You.”

Psalms 119:49 "Remember your promise to me, for it is my only hope."

Psalms 42:11 "Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God."

Psalms 33:18 "Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him, on those who hope in His mercy.”

Faith. One of our other pillars plays into hope also. Have faith in Father God. He wants us to trust Him. We need to be in agreement with Him about this situation. Don't go by feelings. Don't live in the dread that we sink into because a doctor told us what he thinks will happen.  God does not want us to suffer.  God only has good plans for our lives.  Jeremiah tells us, "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11. 

There is no disappointment or hopelessness and loneliness or helplessness. We have hope! Another of our pillars, love, God's love is in our hearts and that will help increase our hope, even if it's buried way beneath diagnoses and prognoses and pills and appointments and scans and fear and sadness. There is hope! God's word is still there to encourage us in these moments:

Romans 5:5 " Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

And our over-arching theme of STRONGER EVERYDAY comes into play with all of this too. The Bible is filled with words of "be strong, be of good courage, wait, fear God, strive for hope, wait patiently, be joyful in hope." Action words - our faith in action. Our faith comes alive when we are given words of hope and faith and peace and love. Speak these words of God over us and over this situation and hope will abound!

Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the Lord."

Psalms 119:74 "Those who fear You will be glad when they see me, because I have hoped in Your word."

Isaiah 40:31 "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint."

Romans 8:24 "For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees?"

Romans 12:12 "Rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer."

I speak life over Clay and over you and over this situation. You mean so very much to me, and as I write this blog post, I want so much more than these words I am typing for you!  I want it to help you remain steady in your hope.  I want it to show the world that, even in the face of a glioblastoma and difficult prognoses, that we have hope!  My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus...we will be of good courage, be strong, and wait on the Lord. We will trust Father God with our lives, with Clay's life. We will continue to speak the four pillars, and our overarching theme, upon our lives everyday: Faith, Hope, Peace, Love, Stronger Everyday. We will speak these over our lives. Everyday. These gifts from God will carry us through. Speak these words everyday...and watch what God will continue to do for us as we walk along this path, this journey.

HOPE: Romans 15:13 "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.."

PEACE: Philippians 4:7 “and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

FAITH: 1 Corinthians 16:13 “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

LOVE:I Corinthians 13:13 “And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Amen!