We're Halfway There...

Many of the activities that we participate in have a halfway point. A certain mark or time where half of it is done and there's only half more to go. We countdown the time until the end. This maybe makes us feel better. Long trips need a halfway point so that they don't seem as long. Football games need a halfway point so that there's hope of another chance, or there's only half of the time left to defend your lead.  Wednesday is a really important halfway point...almost to the weekend!

Sometimes the halfway point doesn't make us feel better. Like on my running app. When I already ran seventeen and a half minutes, and my app declares "you've reached the halfway point" I maybe want to cry a little. Sure, I'm thrilled that I've already ran seventeen and a half minutes. But I'm also wrecked thinking that I have to run seventeen and a half more. Perspective of halfway points sometimes shifts, depending on the outcome.

This journey that I have been on has reached two important halfway points. I've been going to WeightWatchers meetings for a whole year. I just had my one year anniversary of this round of joining. When I stepped on the scale and looked through my record books, what a journey I've been on! My books are filled with ups and downs, and more ups and more downs. But overall the trend has been loss. In one year I have lost fifty-five pounds. I'm halfway there. Halfway to where I want to be. When all is said and done, I want to have lost 110 pounds. My first reaction about this realization is happiness! Joy! Pride! And then I start thinking harder, and Satan takes my thoughts and quickly turns the positive ideas into negatives. I'm only halfway there in one year?! I know so-and-so has lost way more in less time. So it could be another year or more for me? What if I can't do it? Maybe I should just quit. I don't want to have to count points and write everything I eat down for the rest of my life. Only halfway...

And then there's my running app. Also this week I reached the halfway mark of my Couch to 10K app. I successfully completed the 5K portion of the app and started week 9, Day one. The first run is running two intervals of twenty minutes. I was so proud of being halfway done! And then once again Satan took over my thoughts and it turned to, I'm running for 30, 35, 40 minutes and that's ONLY halfway? There's no way I could run for 60 minutes straight! That's a whole hour. I'll never get there! Only halfway...

Perspective turns this halfway mark into the whole glass half empty or glass half full debate. Am I excited to be this far along and my glass is half full of pride and joy and elation? Or am I dreading what is to come in the next half and my glass is half empty? It all depends on who is filling my head and my heart at that moment. 

God sees me as half full! I'm halfway to where He wants me to be! He wants us to take care of our bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19 states that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit...we should take care of our temples. Father God wants me to be strong and healthy. He wants us to love ourselves just as much as He loves us. He wants us healthy and rested and ready to serve in His kingdom. 

Satan sees me as half empty! I'm halfway from where I should be. He has me focus on the struggles. The early mornings. The days I feel like I'm starving. The long lonely runs. The aches and pains. He wants us sick and tired and unable to help God in His kingdom. He wants us to be selfish and poor witnesses of our testimonies. 

I get sucked in easily to Satan's ways. I often think I'm not good enough. I can't do this. It's no use! I'm not going to like myself any better in 55 pounds than I do now. He has me stand in front of the mirror and see the sagging skin and the fat just shifting places. He has me hear cutting words of how these changes aren't going to change the way I feel deep in my soul. He has me giving me up and quitting because I don't want to do this every day for the rest of my life. 

But Jesus fights back and he tells me that I'm good enough. That I'm just the way He wants me to be. That I should love myself now and that I'll love myself even more as I get healthy and stronger for him. That I can do anything I set my mind to and that I am strong and beautiful. When I look into His mirror He erases the stretch marks and dimples and fat and shows me glowing and happy and wearing His crown as a daughter of the King!

I'm halfway from where I want to be. The journey won't be easy and there will always be two sides to the halfway point, two glasses either full or empty, two mirrors showing two stark contrasts of myself. I get to choose! With the help of my Heavenly Father, I get to choose my story! I get to choose my message in my mess. I get to write my testimony with Him!

I'm halfway there! And I'll keep running the race to the end. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 40:31 which says "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I'll keep running, past the halfway point. And when the race is over, it'll be great to think back and reflect on this halfway point. To see how far I have come and all the struggles and adversity that I overcame. 

We're halfway there...start writing your last half right now from today!

The Sound of Silence...

There's a line in Taylor Swift's song "Story of Us" that says "I've never heard silence quite this loud."  Do you know what that sounds like? What that feels like? The deafening roar of silence where you are just praying that something, anything makes a noise and cracks the tension in the air. This sort of silence is not usually something positive. This silence sneaks in, comes into the room when you least expect it. I have experienced such silence. 

It's terrifying. You are left unable to breathe, feeling like you are being crushed under the weight of the blackness. Feeling like your lungs are filling with water and that you'll drown in the quiet all around. When you've been diagnosed with PTSD, the sound of silence can be part of the reoccurrence that you experience in a flashback. My ears are usually the first thing to lose their sense when I'm in these moments of paralyzing fear. It feels like there's water in my ears. It feels like my ears are muffled and ringing all at the same time. The sound of silence. 

There are many people who I'm assuming are affected by this sound of silence. Just this past Sunday we honored the memory of those lost in the terror attacks of 9/11. There was a speech by President Obama, giant flags, tears rolling down cheeks, and the sound of silence, a moment of silence for those we lost. Memories of that day flooded quickly in as these events took place. Where were you? Who were you with? What did you feel afterwards? The shock settling in, and the sound of silence. Reoccurrence of the sound of silence for the people who grieve the loss of all those precious lives. 

Just this past week I experienced this sound of silence again. Helping Amelia with her Washington State History homework, she had to create a timeline of her life. 2010, in her innocent 9-year-old scribbled handwriting, were the words "my dad died" and the silence creeped in. Not that I didn't know it was coming. Not that I wasn't expecting it. But her tear-filled eyes as she read it to me, and exclaimed that she would be the only one in her class with that on her timeline. We hugged each other. And prayed together. And swam through the sound of silence arm in arm. 

But, as I've stated before, our story doesn't end here. Our story doesn't drown in the sound of silence. Our story has made its way into a difference silence. The silence of the peace that passes all understanding. The silence of peace from our Heavenly Father. The silence that comes from being whole and healed and a daughter of the King! The silence of a quiet moment of prayer, when all the rest of the world is blocked out and the darkness and hate and anger and thoughts of evil slough away. The sound of silence where you hear angels singing and our sweet Father's voice filling you with His promises! 

We are making it, a day at a time, marching through our timeline and putting space between 2010 and where we are headed. God has big plans for Amelia. He will hold her hand and carry her through and grant her the peaceful sound of silence.  And each step I take with Father God is another step toward victory with Him. The sound of silence used to swallow me whole, make me feel all of those feelings explained in the initial part of this post. There are times, like this week, that I get caught up in the dark, swirling waters all over again, but I spend most of my time now in the peaceful silence with God. 

Find yourself there too! Spend time with Him and talk to Him and let Him carry you out of the unbearable sound of silence into the silence of His peace! He's waiting for you...