Comfort and Joy

The holiday season seems to be flying by, like usual. The hustle and bustle of the season is in full swing. In my errands this week I've only been honked at a few times. The girls and I start each outing with a prayer...a prayer for protection, a prayer that others will be happy and joyful...a prayer that the Christmas spirit will be filling all those we run in to. And for the most part, it has worked. I wasn't paying attention in Safeway and completely backed into a woman, who was also not paying attention. She laughed and said that she guessed we were both doing the same thing. We wished each other Merry Christmas and went on our ways. At the post office, I walked in before a gentleman who was grumbling about being behind me in line. I smiled, wished him a Merry Christmas and offered him to cut in front of us. He took me up on the offer and when he was finished, he smiled and thanked me and wished me a Merry Christmas back. Slowing down and savoring the season has been important to me this year. 

And as much as I have willed holiday spirit and good tidings to everyone around me, I have let sadness and tears creep into my own heart and my own home this season. Grief is a hard thing. And it strikes at the most inconvenient times. The anxiety and the sadness have been building. And I work very hard to stuff that all down, and walk through each day with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. But it's hard. And each step closer to Christmas Day that comes, the harder it gets to hold the floodgates closed. 

Several times over the last few weeks, I have seen my friends and family post that thing on Facebok that talks about how the holidays aren't happy and fun for some people. And every time I read through that, my heart hurts for those people. I have friends that will be spending Christmas in a hospital bed. Friends who have just gotten news that is enough to shatter their worlds. Friends who are setting their tables missing one or more beloved family members. And the holidays, though a happy, blessed, peaceful time, are also painful reminders of change. Reminders of differences between Christmasses passed. Reminders that things aren't the way they used to be, or should be. 

This Christmas for me has had sadness. Waiting in the Santa line and seeing the families...whole, complete families, has been hard for me. Moms and dads and kids with rosy cheeks and faces glowing. Posts about sisters hanging out together and being together, while my own sister and her family seem to be millions of miles away in Japan. Talking about plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and knowing that very important members of our family won't be with us. I don't remember a time when the Deems weren't with us for Christmas Eve. And it just seems like yesterday it was last Christmas and hearing Tom coughing and talking about what on earth could be wrong with him, not knowing he'd slip from our grasp just a few short months later. Hanging the stocking by the mantle and finding our sweet Sissy dog's stocking and knowing she won't be here with us for the first time. Tears well in my eyes, and I close my eyes and pray for God to calm my heart and dry my tears. 

Walking through Safeway yesterday, I was walking down the beer aisle. I reached for a case of Blue Moon, Brian's favorite. I wasn't going to buy it...I'm far enough in my journey that I don't "almost" buy things for him anymore. But I was sad that I couldn't buy my husband his favorite beer for Christmas Day celebrations. Grief swept over me in the middle of that aisle. I clutched my chest and quietly sobbed in the store for a few minutes. 

Luckily, my Heavenly Father watches out for me. I felt His presence there in the aisle and I heard Him lean in and whisper "Joshua 10:25, my daughter" I texted a friend, because I didn't know what the verse was off the top of my head. She texted me back that it was awesome news! Joshua 10:25: 25 Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”

The enemies I'm going to fight? The enemies of sadness and pain. The enemies that keep me in this cycle of grief and pain, of worry and anxiety. My heart was calmed. 

I know I am not alone. And I am filled with comfort and joy! The new King is born! My Heavenly Father is with me always! I am blessed! I have an amazing family! I have the best friends in the whole world! I have been blessed with the best little girls anyone could ask for. Their joy and happiness are contagious this season! Their eyes twinkle, the magic of the season is in their souls, everything is an awe-inspiring moment of love and peace and joy. 

So, I will think of the people that are missing from our home and our lives. I will shed tears as I'm orchestrating the magic of Christmas all alone in my living room. I will miss the Deem family, wanting to hug them and hold them as they experience their first Christmas holiday without Tom. I will be sad when Sissy's stocking remains empty Christmas morning. But I will be happy and filled with comfort and joy, knowing that I am safe and resting in the arms of my loving Father.  I am blessed! Blessed to have had the experiences I had with the people (and puppies!) that I am missing. Blessed to be surrounded by such love and kindness! Blessed to be a daughter of the King, knowing that through Him, I will survive anything. 

Wishing you comfort and joy in this holiday season, and holding you all close in my heart with love and peace and prayer. Comfort and joy! From my heart to yours...

Please Mr. Postman

I love our Christmas traditions! We have many, and I'll be blogging about some of them throughout this holiday season as they relate to things that are on my mind. 

Right now, spread across my table, is one of my favorite Christmas traditions of sending out our family Christmas card. I love thinking about our cards and the photos of our family and planning out how that all will look. It all starts with the perfect pictures! Capturing the moments and the memories of our holiday time together is super important to me. So I employ the best in my cousin, Kayla! If you have never heard me talk about her, you should totally check her out. She works magic with a camera and captures the most stunning photos ever. Her Facebok page is under Kayla Lynn Photography and her work is amazing! I'm trying to convince her to come to our little town next fall for mini sessions so for all my friends and family who want the perfect pictures - pay attention around August!!

Anyways, we get our pictures taken. I choose our favorites and add them to our card. I'm so excited to get them back and see how beautiful and grown up my girls are in print!  This part has always been the best part of the process. 

But this year? My favorite part of the process has been addressing the envelopes slowly, one at a time, and seeing where I send these pictures.  The cards that we send span the United States, and now thanks to my sister and brother-in-law stationed in Japan, we've even gone international. 

As I was addressing my cards this year, I took time on each simple address...thinking about the street names...marveling at the various states that are represented in my address book...thinking about the impact that each person on the receiving end of these cards has had on our lives. So many friends and family, people that crossed our path and never left, people I hardly ever speak to except for the yearly Christmas cards that we exchange, people I see in a daily basis and love dearly. There is a large list of friends and family that I send to. I've thought about paring it down over the years, not sending them to everyone in my address book. Choosing only a handful to write to. Not sending a card to people that don't write to us. And the thought of that makes me sad! I enjoy sending my cards. I like showing off my girls and my little family. But most importantly, I hope that the recipients of my cards know that they are each sent with love and admiration and a thankful heart. For the people that I send the cards to are people that are important to me.  They are an important piece of the Duncan puzzle. They had some part in getting us to who we are today.

There are teachers that I had in my elementary school days at Peace that I still keep in touch with. They raised me and watched me grow in that small Lutheran school. They helped get us to church and played a big role in my early days of learning my faith and beliefs. There are aunts and uncles and cousins who are part of the best family in the world! I love my cousins and I'm thankful for a chance to reach out and let them know they are loved. There are college friends who were lifesavers in more ways than one, who were there for late night chats and the days when I'd lock myself out of my dorm room. There are current co-workers, who have helped me learn my trade in the elementary schools, and much much more! There are friends that walked into our lives because of Brian's work with the State Patrol and Cencom, and his volunteer work with the fire station. Those people who still check in on us and make sure we're ok. The troopers who still drive by our house at night to make sure the bad guys stay away. And the fire department friends who still "blip" the siren at my girls and me if they see us in the yard. There are the friends who we've picked as family...the ones who have always been there for us and who I know will always be there for us no matter what.

And then there's the missing ones. My grandparents. My husband. My other dad Tom. Laurie's momma Nancy. The ones that I so badly wanted to make a card for, to send to them and know they were here. I'll still take a card down to my grandparents and leave it beside their grave. And Sherri still gets a card from us, just not with Tom's name this year. And I texted Laurie and we talked about her momma and what a great lady she was. And how I'd addressed her envelope before my heart sank and I realized she wouldn't be there to receive it. 

So as I continue with getting my cards completed, I will continue to think and be thankful and praise my Heavenly Father with thanks for an address book full of addresses. And I send prayers to those friends and family in Washington, Idaho, Oregon, California. Friends in Oklahoma and Texas and Maryland. Friends in Florida and Montana and Indiana. Missouri and Georgia and Nebraska. And even all the way over in Ikego, Japan (Hi, Sissy!!)

We are blessed with love from all over the map! And blessed with an amazing network of people right here in our hometown and people who love and care for us and support us. We are blessed! So, when you get our Christmas card, feel the love and joy and peace that the Duncan girls send. Know the prayers and the care and the thankfulness we share with you. And know that we sent God's love with every Christmas card we wrote! 

Here Comes the Sun

It's been raining cats and dogs (and maybe even elephants and hippos too!) the past couple weeks here in Washington. My backyard has become Duncan Pond thanks to Kubert Creek from the neighbors up the hill. Everything is drenched. Trees across the county have toppled over. Many of my friends have no power more often than they have power lately. There is water everywhere!! As of a few days ago, there's even water in my master bedroom thanks to the window leaking :/ Luckily my daddy will save the day and fix the window...as soon as it stops raining long enough to let him!  It's been a wet, soggy mess for weeks. The skies are gray, it seems like it's nighttime all day long, it's cold and wet and dreary. 

Except for a couple of mornings ago. The girls and I were hustling through our morning routine before leaving for school when suddenly, rays of sunshine were streaming in the front door window. Emerson ran into the kitchen with a huge smile on her face and yelled "Mommy! The sun is back!!" Amelia looked at her and said, "The sun never went anywhere. It's always there. It was just buried under some clouds. But it's always there, even when you can't see it." Emerson scrunched up her nose, tilted her head to the side, and asked, "So the sun is just like Jesus?" Amelia and I looked at each other and smiled and I said, "Yes, Em.  Just like Jesus."

The sun is always there, making its way around the world day to day. And even when it's cloudy and you can't see it through all the gray, it's there, waiting for the perfect break in the clouds to shine it's light on the world. 

The same is true for the other Son. Jesus. He is always there, walking His way through your day. And even when it's cloudy, and there is absolutely nothing going right, He's still there, waiting for the perfect break in your heart to shine into your life and keep you safe from the storm. 

Over my lifetime, I have seen storms. I have been to the point where I don't know what to do. I have relied on myself to fix everything. And I have failed. So I've needed helpers along the way. Helpers that have guided me down paths to get the assistance that I have needed.  I have mentioned before that I go to counseling. The person that I go to now is amazing and she is walking me through a healing process that has been eye-opening and life-changing. 

I have been stuck. And although I have taken baby steps forward, I tend to reach a point where I'm stuck. Or where I fall backwards and stumble and don't know how to keep my footing. So, being the strong and stubborn person I am, I try to pick myself up. And it just doesn't work. 

In my last session, we were walking through a few things. The sessions that we have are led by the Holy Spirit and He was leading me towards a particular life scenario that I needed to work through. I was asked "Do you see Angels?" In this particular scenario and I said "yes". She asked me where they were and I told her they were standing all around me in a circle. She asked me how that made me feel. I paused. A long time. Therapy is hard for me because there are two parts of me. The part of me that is dark and hurt and injured and dead and wanting to run away and disappear forever. And there's the part of me that wants to bury those ideas and not let anyone else know that I have those thoughts. So in my head, the latter me was formulating an answer that I thought she would want to hear. I was working on saying "I feel happy and safe and peaceful and I'm so glad they are there ." But...someone very dear to me had recently shared with me how important truth is so that healing can happen. So I looked her in the eyes and I told her "It makes me angry that they are there." In her most gentle voice she asked me why it made me angry. With tears streaming down my face I told her that I was angry they were there now, but that they couldn't be there to save me from what I had been through.  We worked through the rest of that, and eventually I realized that they were with me then also. In every single life moment, the Angels are there. And so is the Son!

Tears right now. And wanting to go back to the lies where I pretend everything is ok. Why am I sharing this? Why am I using this very personal example in my public blog? Because if I can save one person from walking down the path that I have been down, then I will share. I will share my thoughts and feelings so you know you're not alone. 

The Angels, and Jesus, and the sun...they are always there. There are things that cover them up, or things that block them out, but they are always there. Even in my darkest hours through my life. They are constant and good and warm and they are always there. I have faith that they have always been there, and will always be there. 

The sun is always there. The Son is always there. We only have to have faith that even when the clouds bury them in darkness, and the storms take over, they are there, waiting for just the right time to burst through the clouds and make everything right with the world again. The storm clouds will be there. It's not an easy path. But you are not alone in your journey. Jesus is there with you, even when you don't know He's there. Here comes the Son...to bring you peace and healing and love. Here comes the Son...