Comfort and Joy

The holiday season seems to be flying by, like usual. The hustle and bustle of the season is in full swing. In my errands this week I've only been honked at a few times. The girls and I start each outing with a prayer...a prayer for protection, a prayer that others will be happy and joyful...a prayer that the Christmas spirit will be filling all those we run in to. And for the most part, it has worked. I wasn't paying attention in Safeway and completely backed into a woman, who was also not paying attention. She laughed and said that she guessed we were both doing the same thing. We wished each other Merry Christmas and went on our ways. At the post office, I walked in before a gentleman who was grumbling about being behind me in line. I smiled, wished him a Merry Christmas and offered him to cut in front of us. He took me up on the offer and when he was finished, he smiled and thanked me and wished me a Merry Christmas back. Slowing down and savoring the season has been important to me this year. 

And as much as I have willed holiday spirit and good tidings to everyone around me, I have let sadness and tears creep into my own heart and my own home this season. Grief is a hard thing. And it strikes at the most inconvenient times. The anxiety and the sadness have been building. And I work very hard to stuff that all down, and walk through each day with a smile on my face and joy in my heart. But it's hard. And each step closer to Christmas Day that comes, the harder it gets to hold the floodgates closed. 

Several times over the last few weeks, I have seen my friends and family post that thing on Facebok that talks about how the holidays aren't happy and fun for some people. And every time I read through that, my heart hurts for those people. I have friends that will be spending Christmas in a hospital bed. Friends who have just gotten news that is enough to shatter their worlds. Friends who are setting their tables missing one or more beloved family members. And the holidays, though a happy, blessed, peaceful time, are also painful reminders of change. Reminders of differences between Christmasses passed. Reminders that things aren't the way they used to be, or should be. 

This Christmas for me has had sadness. Waiting in the Santa line and seeing the families...whole, complete families, has been hard for me. Moms and dads and kids with rosy cheeks and faces glowing. Posts about sisters hanging out together and being together, while my own sister and her family seem to be millions of miles away in Japan. Talking about plans for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and knowing that very important members of our family won't be with us. I don't remember a time when the Deems weren't with us for Christmas Eve. And it just seems like yesterday it was last Christmas and hearing Tom coughing and talking about what on earth could be wrong with him, not knowing he'd slip from our grasp just a few short months later. Hanging the stocking by the mantle and finding our sweet Sissy dog's stocking and knowing she won't be here with us for the first time. Tears well in my eyes, and I close my eyes and pray for God to calm my heart and dry my tears. 

Walking through Safeway yesterday, I was walking down the beer aisle. I reached for a case of Blue Moon, Brian's favorite. I wasn't going to buy it...I'm far enough in my journey that I don't "almost" buy things for him anymore. But I was sad that I couldn't buy my husband his favorite beer for Christmas Day celebrations. Grief swept over me in the middle of that aisle. I clutched my chest and quietly sobbed in the store for a few minutes. 

Luckily, my Heavenly Father watches out for me. I felt His presence there in the aisle and I heard Him lean in and whisper "Joshua 10:25, my daughter" I texted a friend, because I didn't know what the verse was off the top of my head. She texted me back that it was awesome news! Joshua 10:25: 25 Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”

The enemies I'm going to fight? The enemies of sadness and pain. The enemies that keep me in this cycle of grief and pain, of worry and anxiety. My heart was calmed. 

I know I am not alone. And I am filled with comfort and joy! The new King is born! My Heavenly Father is with me always! I am blessed! I have an amazing family! I have the best friends in the whole world! I have been blessed with the best little girls anyone could ask for. Their joy and happiness are contagious this season! Their eyes twinkle, the magic of the season is in their souls, everything is an awe-inspiring moment of love and peace and joy. 

So, I will think of the people that are missing from our home and our lives. I will shed tears as I'm orchestrating the magic of Christmas all alone in my living room. I will miss the Deem family, wanting to hug them and hold them as they experience their first Christmas holiday without Tom. I will be sad when Sissy's stocking remains empty Christmas morning. But I will be happy and filled with comfort and joy, knowing that I am safe and resting in the arms of my loving Father.  I am blessed! Blessed to have had the experiences I had with the people (and puppies!) that I am missing. Blessed to be surrounded by such love and kindness! Blessed to be a daughter of the King, knowing that through Him, I will survive anything. 

Wishing you comfort and joy in this holiday season, and holding you all close in my heart with love and peace and prayer. Comfort and joy! From my heart to yours...