Happy Halloween!!

Tonight was trick or treating night. We started early, hoping to be done early, but it didn't quite turn out that way. In fact, we crashed and were done earlier than I wanted to be, but they girls were just way too tired...and we didn't eat dinner until 7:45. We didn't make it to all of the houses we usually do, which made me sad, but I would have been carrying two sleeping beauties if we didn't cut it short when we did. In fact, they both almost fell asleep in the booth at dinner tonight. It was a fun, amazing night! Do you ever have moments so good, you feel like the world is slowing down, just for a minute, so you can capture the moment in your mind. There were a few moments like that for me tonight. A few snapshots in time where the world stopped spinning just long enough for me to look at my girls and savor the memories: Emerson running to the doorbell. Amelia hiking her dress up like a little lady to climb the stairs in her fancy shoes. Emerson sitting on my lap eating chocolate at one of the stops. Amelia's face when she opened her Princess Toys from her beloved Bruce and Marilyn. Emerson playing fetch with my aunt's dog. There were many moments tonight where my heart surged with love and admiration. Perhaps you all get tired of reading about this, but this year's activities have been so wonderful. I am indeed blessed! Amelia was almost asleep in the truck when we got home so I knew that our one more thing mommy moment was going to be brief as I tucked her into bed. I kissed her goodnight and told her I loved her. I told her how much fun it was trick or treating with her and Emerson and MomMom and Pa tonight. She smiled and said, "I know! It was great! Mommy....I feel like this is the first Halloween of the rest of our lives." I laughed at her adaptation of the common saying. I said good night one more time, turned and walked back to the living room. And then I froze in the hallway and truly thought about what she had said. The first Halloween of the rest of our lives. Six year olds, and in particular the one that lives under my roof, are very perceptive little beings. Or maybe that should just be children in general. They know when things are going well, and they know when they are not. They know when times are hard and they know when times are easy. They can read the emotions and feelings of mommies, and even daddies for those families that have those! They just know when things aren't right. And for the past few years, things haven't been right in our house. Brian's passing. My seizures. Bad dreams. All of the events over the last three years had put a cloud over our house, a weight on all three of us. And just in the last few weeks, that cloud it gone, and the weight is lifted, and Amelia is absolutely correct...today was the first Halloween of the rest of our lives! Even though our routine has been pretty similar since Amelia's first Halloween, this year was indeed different. It was relaxed and fun. We laughed and had a great time, even when Pa almost left Emerson standing in the driveway at one of our stops. I got to experience Halloween this year through the eyes of my children, and it has never been better. To truly see what Halloween is like for my babies and to experience that with them was amazing! To see them running up to the houses and yelling "Trick or Treat!" as the door opened. To look at them in all their beauty in their costumes and think back three years ago to the baby Emerson chicken I carried in my arms. And to think back even further and picture my tiny Hershey's kiss from Amelia's first Halloween. So much has changed. We have all grown! We have all changed! We have all gotten stronger and I am loving experiencing all these firsts together as a whole, healthy, healed family. So, Amelia is absolutely right! This is the first Halloween of the rest of our lives! I loved experiencing today. My heart surges with love and excitement as I think of all the other first days we'll experience together: Thanksgiving...Christmas...New Years...and even just tomorrow.

Playing Dress Up

Today was a big day for my girls. Wednesday at their school is chapel day. And each week, the various grades take turns leading the chapel service. Sometimes they sing songs. Sometimes they put on a skit. Sometimes they read verses. Sometimes, they do all of the above. Today's chapel was led by the first grade, Miss Amelia's class. If you remember, I talked a few days ago about how they were singing "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman" and that Amelia was chosen to do a duet with one of her little friends in the class. Well apparently, Amelia did an amazing job because all day long I got pictures and texts and phone calls telling me what a show-stopper she is! How talented! So cute! She made at least 70% of the staff at her school cry because she was so full of joy and so energetic. We went to school later in the day for a Trunk or Treat and anyone that had seen Amelia sing stopped me to let me know what an amazing little performer she is. Many teared up just talking about her singing and it made me tear up also, for many reasons. As a momma, I always tear up with pride for my girls, but also when I stop and think about my oldest girl, it makes me tear up. She is an amazing, resilient little girl and I know she's a show-stopper, but it makes me happy and proud to know that she is willing to share her talent and charm with others as well. To get up in front of the entire school of 200 plus students, plus teachers and all the first grade parents that were there watching is amazing to me! I am a proud momma to the best little girls ever. Tonight was also exciting for my girls because, as I said earlier, there was a trunk or treat at their school in the parking lot. That was a lot of fun! There were about 25 cars that came out all decked out in decorations. One truck even brought baby pigs from their farm! So cute!! My dad tried to get the girls to ask for a pig in their buckets instead of candy, which I would have gladly done at the moment. They were soooo cute!! But we walked away with just candy, which I'm thankful for now that I'm tucked in my cozy bed and thinking about one more animal on the farm that we don't need! The girls got their costumes on with the whole regalia...shoes, crowns, hair clips, glittery dresses, makeup...they definitely played their parts well. We had a lot of fun for part one of Halloween, and it was a good time for all of us! We came home and did our nightly routine. I was tucking Amelia into bed and I told her how proud I was of her. She asked me, "What for?" and I told her for her successes of the week! She got a tooth pulled yesterday like it was no big thing. She sang in front of a couple hundred kids and adults like she owned the place. She has had a crazy week with breaks in her routine and she is amazing and moving through with all of her awesomeness. Our one more thing mommy moment for the night: "Mommy, I LOVED tonight!" "What did you love most about tonight?" "Well, other than being with my friends and family, I like dressing up!" "You looked so pretty Amelia!" "It's not even the being pretty part. I mean, I was breath-taking! (She's so modest!) But, it's fun to dress up and pretend to be someone else! I liked that for a few hours I didn't have to be Amelia, but I could be Belle! I could close my eyes and imagine talking to Chip. Or dancing with the Beast. Or riding Phillipe. I LOVE that we can just do that!" "You're right, Amelia! It is fun to imagine being someone different...especially princesses!" "I love you, mommy! I can't wait to do it again tomorrow. Good night!" Dressing up and pretending to be someone different! That is an amazing ability that we have. This past summer I had the opportunity to go to a cocktail party with the Seahawks. We got to wear fancy cocktail dresses, and eat a catered dinner on the 75th floor of the Columbia Tower in downtown Seattle. I got to meet, hug, and get my picture taken with Richard Sherman, starting Cornerback for the Seahawks. I got to meet Lawyer Milloy. I got to watch Earl Thomas and Richard Sherman playing Madden together on the Xbox. It was WAY fancier than this farm girl is used to. But it was an amazing night! I got to pretend that I was fancy, if even for one night. And just like Cinderella's clock struck midnight, we had a ferry to catch and the evening was over. And I went back to being just Tammy. But the thing is, it wouldn't be so magical, so special if it was an everyday thing. It was amazing to dress up and pretend to be someone else! The Great Pumpkin's last visit is tonight so as a surprise to the girls, he finished the Halloween decorations that we've been too busy to set out, and left them their final note for October 2013. I came back to go to bed, but I wasn't tired so I started going through my closet a little bit. You know how each room seems to have a catch all? Well, my entire bedroom is the catch all for the house, but my closet definitely takes the brunt of that. So, I've been working on getting it cleaned out a little at a time. As I was shoveling through Seahawks gear and speech therapy cards and manuals and piles of clothes I came across something that sorta took my breath away. Here's a little disclaimer...I'm going to get personal and I'm not really sure that there will be anything inspirational about this, but just a feeling that I'm having that I'm willing to share with you right now...all two of you that are probably still reading...LOL! As I lifted the last of the pile of clothes off of my closet floor, lying in the bottom of the heap was my wedding veil that I wore on the day I married Brian. It was beautiful! White with little pearls sewn all over the bottom. I held it in my hands as I knelt on the floor in my closet and my heart stopped, if only for a minute. How perfect that I would find this tonight, after my conversation with Amelia about dressing up and being someone else. I never know what emotions will come to the surface when I come across things like this so I just knelt on the floor and waited, and then I stood up and went into the bathroom and put it in my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing the veil that I was wearing when I married my husband. And as I looked into the mirror, I realized that I didn't recognize myself in it. I remember putting it on in the dress shop and feeling so beautiful in it! My mother raved about how beautiful the veil was. But tonight, on Halloween Eve, I looked like one of those scary-looking zombie brides. My mascara was a bit smeared...my skin was a bit pale...my eyes were a bit tired...and I was already in my jammies. The veil looked silly. I put the veil on and I was a completely different person than I was when I walked down the aisle over seven years ago. And I'm torn...between wanting to pretend to be that person from seven years ago, and wanting to pretend that I'm the person that I am now. And you know what? As I stood in front of that mirror, staring at the image of me in that veil, I smiled and knew that this wasn't me in the mirror. I didn't want to pretend to be the person I was when I married Brian. Because even in all of the struggle and tears and heartache and uncertainty, I know that I am exactly who I am supposed to be right now. The person I am, sitting on my bed at 12:30 on Halloween morning with two precious little girls, a menagerie of animals, amazing friends and family, and all the other blessings that I have in my life is exactly who God wants me to be, who He NEEDS me to be in his master plan. I smiled at my image, ripped the veil off of my head, and threw it into the pile of things to put in the girls' dress-up bin. Because honestly? That is not me! And I don't want to pretend to be that other person. I am stronger today than ever! I am moving forward and healing my heart and I cannot wait to live the rest of my life knowing that I don't have to imagine I'm someone else. I love being me! Now, if the Seahawks ever want to invite me to something fancy again, well, that's a different story...

Do You Believe in Magic?

Well, we survived our first dental procedure today. Amelia's tooth broke last night and we had the ensuing panic that she would have to have surgery. We called her dentist last night, who told me to call this morning and they would squeeze her in. We went in, and they pulled her tooth with a little help from some bubble gum flavored laughing gas. Amelia did great! She laid in that chair and let them do everything they were supposed to. They wiggled her tooth out. She was so brave! And so funny. I've watched many videos of kids on YouTube being goofy after having procedures and if I wasn't so busy giggling, I might have been one of those moms that videotaped it and posted it for the world to see. Immediately after they started the gas, she started waving her arms around like she was dancing. She was singing and humming and tapping her feet, and waving her arms. It was adorable. I asked her if she was practicing the Nutcracker and she said, "No!" I asked her if she was practicing for her December ballet recital and she said, "No!" I asked her what she was doing and she told me to wait just a minute...she needed to finish her song. As I was watching her dance, and hearing her hum I realized she was singing "Do Your Ears Hang Low?" I giggled at her some more, and then that part of the procedure was over. She said, I was singing Do Your Ears Hang Low...and I was also dancing the Hamster Dance. It made me laugh! Which was good because I was so nervous for my baby girl that if I didn't have that little comic relief, I might have burst into tears for her! It's hard to be a momma and not be able to take away your baby's pain! Ugh! Hated that...so laughing gas helped me to focus as well and not freak out in front of my already nervous daughter. Amelia's big concern was that she didn't take care of her teeth, when in reality, the dentist told us there was nothing she (or we!) could have done to prevent it. Her tooth got an infection in the center of the tooth and it eventually started eating itself from the inside and the tooth eventually died. There was no cavity. There was no decay. It wasn't from lack of brushing. She said she rarely sees it in children and she was perplexed as to why it happened. I began to worry that maybe it was because Amelia doesn't eat dairy, and therefore doesn't get much calcium, but the dentist said that wasn't the reason either. There was nothing we could have done! After the procedure, I wanted to take my baby home, eat ice cream and snuggle on the couch. She wanted to get back to school and get back to work. Mostly, she wanted to get back to school to be with her bestie, which warmed my heart. She said, "Mommy, you know you have your people and you need them...well L***** is my person and I need her right now and I want to be with her." So, I let her go back to school. I stopped by Safeway and dropped off her prescription, picked up two pints of ice cream, and went to her school. We sat and ate ice cream together for lunch, and then, after great insistance from Amelia that she needed to get back to class, I gave her a kiss and my mom delivered her to her classroom. I was a proud momma! She is such a brave little soldier and such a trooper! In fact, when the dentist was done, Amelia told her that she wanted to do that again sometime. The dentist laughed and said, "Amelia, I think you may the only little person who has ever requested to do it again!" So, we giggled again! What a girl! So, tonight I'm tucking her into bed and she looks at me. And our just one more thing mommy moment began: "Mommy, it's going to be a crazy night!" My heart sank because Amelia is very perceptive and I assumed she was thinking that we would have nightmares. I asked her why and she said, "Well, the Great Pumpkin will be here...and the Tooth Fairy will be here. Do you suppose they'll just ride together?" I smiled and told her that she was probably right. Then that lead into a hundred other questions and thoughts, all presented sort of rapid-fire without me getting a word in: Do you think they all live together? Isn't there a movie about that? Does Santa live there too...of course he doesn't. He's at the North Pole. Do you think they just hang out? I think maybe Santa and the Great Pumpkin live together because they are both kind of the same in that they both bring us treats. And then the Tooth Fairy must live with the Easter Bunny because I think that they tooth fairy is pink and blue, and those are kind of Easter Bunny colors too, so they would match and they could live together. Oh great! What about the Elf on the Shelf. He lives with Santa so maybe the Great Pumpkin and Santa are like his mom and dad. But I think Santa and the Great Pumpkin are both boys so I don't know about that. Do they drive? Do they fly? I think the Tooth Fairy flies, but the Great Pumpkin probably just rolls. Do you think they'll both be in our house at the same time? What if they wake me up and then I don't get anything from either one of them! And there were maybe 50 more questions and phrases that I couldn't store to memory, but these were the better ones. I smiled at her and said that I think her ideas were all fabulous and that maybe they were all right, but we would probably never know for sure. She asked me how everything like that works together and I simply looked at her shrugged my shoulders and said, "Magic! You just have to believe that it all works together because of magic!" She smiled, said, "Good answer, mommy. I love ya!" and rolled over. I sat there for a minute, thinking about magic. She sat up in bed and in her exasperated voice said, "Well, what are you waiting for! Get to bed! No one will ever come with you lollygagging around here!" I stood up, told her one more time that I loved her and that I was so proud of her, and heading to the living room. And then the magic begins. Being that both of our magical entities were coming in one night, I needed to remember everything I was supposed to do. So, I dumped the tooth pieces deep into the trash can. Pulled a gold $1.00 coin out of the back of my secret drawer and threw those into the tooth pillow hanging on her door. I cut out the tooth shape paper I try to always remember to use and wrote her a note from the tooth fairy (this will have to stop soon...she's too smart to not notice that it's my handwriting.) I stuck the note inside the tooth pillow and then I started on the Great Pumpkin's chores. I wrote the poem for their treat for the night and stuck it behind the "30" door on the haunted house. I hid their treats where the poem led them to. And then I stood in the middle of the living room thinking...anything I missed? Any step I forgot? Any piece that I needed to do differently to make that magic? And when I decided it was perfection, I turned off the lights and came back to enter my blog post. My heart is content right now. And I know that part of it is the euphoria that I have been experiencing for the last few weeks. The excitement about life and healing and moving on, but part of it is magic! I believe in magic! Even if I'm the one that makes it happen, I believe in Tooth Fairies and Great Pumpkins, and Santa, and the Easter Bunny. I believe that the world is a better place when we can believe in the magic for as long as possible. My sweet sister and I just had this conversation because our children are getting older...and they are so darn smart! They figure things out. Amelia asks questions about how they get into our house, or how they know things about them. Amelia's cousin is older and she is asking her mom the same questions. Kids at school are talking and she is not sure what she believes anymore. And my sister is struggling with what to do with that. How to explain it to her...does she have to explain it to her yet...what would the consequences of not telling her be? And it breaks my heart that my sister is going through that with her children for several reasons: I don't want the magic to be over for my niece and nephew...I don't want the magic to be over for my children...I don't want the magic to be over for me! Nothing makes my heart happier than watching my children wake up in the morning and run to the haunted house to see what the Great Pumpkin had to say. Or waking up and checking the tooth pillow for their dollar and their note. Or racing down the hall Christmas morning to see what Santa brought. And probably mostly for the fact that when they stop believing in the magic, they are grown up! And I'm not ready for them to be grown up. I want them to be my babies forever. I want them to believe in the magic! Forever! I know that this can't happen. I know that they will eventually know who the Tooth Fairy really is, or who brings the Great Pumpkin's treats...but I want to cling to that magic forever. I honestly believe we need magic! We NEED to believe in magic! We need to believe in fun and holidays and traditions! We need these special moments to help slow down life that is flying by at a million miles an hour. Because I know that time slows even if just a little when I am writing a note from a very proud tooth fairy, or leading my little ones on a scavenger hunt from the Great Pumpkin because I am a kid once again. Memories of simpler times flood into my head, and I can see life through the eyes of my children. Knowing that there is magic is so important! Believing in that magic is a must! Because when we stop believing, when we stop taking little moments to make things special, we all grow up! So, I don't know what I would do in my sister's case...I'm not sure I would have any advice for my sister on what to do. And it breaks my heart to think that I will most likely be in her shoes in a few years. But I do know one thing...when that moment comes, I hope that Amelia can look back and see the magic that happened in our house. And even though there wasn't some grand meeting between the Tooth Fairy and the Great Pumpkin on October 30th, 2013 at midnight in our living room, there was magic! And we all need a little magic...

It's OK to Be Afraid

This blog has been the most amazing thing for me. I think that it started a bit before the transformation that has happened in the last week or so, but it has definitely served as a catalyst for some great things. I have gotten good responses to my posts and I love hearing your stories and messages. I am happy that there would be any piece of what I am writing that would be helpful to someone...anyone! I know that life can be a struggle for so many people. I also know when this all happened that my end goal was to find something positive through it all...something that I could take from my story and help someone else! And if right now my blog is the thing that will do that, then I am happy that I am finally heading in the right direction. I was apprehensive about the blog for a while. Some of you may know that I started a blog before and shared intimate details about my weight loss journey and random information. That was hard for me, but it helped me also. Weight has always been an issue for me and I figured if I went public with my struggle, it would snap me into the healthy patterns I was looking for. And when I was blogging, it totaly did! I was eating well and exercising and posting and...then I stopped. I am by nature a fairly private person, believe it or not. There are things that happened in my life that I'm fairly certain many of my readers know about, but I wouldn't dare post on this blog. Some things are better left unsaid, and some family issues are just too sacred to share with others. And that viewpoint may change as my girls get older and things happen and stories are told and the stars align just right. But, in the meantime, I'm more than happy to share the little tidbits of our lives that I have been sharing. Having a six-year-old and blogging off of her stories is a bit difficult. Amelia is wise beyond her years and I can almost always count on her to come up with something to give me for my blog, but then there are nights like tonight. There were no profound conversations. There were no Amelia-isms. There were only tears. You'll remember a few posts ago when I spoke of her infected tooth. Well, we are schedueld for an extraction in November, but while she was eating dinner tonight she heard a pop and part of the tooth broke out. Poor kid! Needless to say, there was only tears and anxiety and worry and calls to the dentist. She eventually cried herself to exhaustion and after reading our nightly fairy book, I tucked her into bed, kissed her goodnight, and listened to her one more time as she proclaimed that she was scared. I told her it was OK to be scared and that we needed to just stay calm and figure things out in the morning. She told me I was the best mommy ever and she rolled over and went to sleep. And just now as I'm typing this, I'm seeing the lesson here. I guess this will be a good blog because you'll be able to see how I come up with this stuff. This is completely off of my head and from my heart. There are no pre-written ideas or lessons, and this is a perfect example. I just finished telling you there was no blog post coming out of our one more thing mommy moment, but I just found it! So, here goes... I think I've messaged before that I go to therapy. After the events of the last few years, I think that therapy is an important part of my life. I hated it at first, but it's grown on me...and grown me! So, today I went to therapy as I do every Monday for the last year or so. I have felt so good, so euphoric for the last week or so that I didn't possibly know what I would have to talk about with her, but I went and thought we could talk about how great everything is going. I have spent the last year or so telling her how awful I feel and how sad I am and how anxious I was that maybe a positive conversation would be refreshing! Maybe I would even graduate from therapy. So, I sat in the chair and started talking about how great life is going. How we are all fine. How I feel euphoric and excited. How I feel like my heart contains so much love and joy that it just might burst. And then, I started talking about how anxious I am that it's not real. That it will all end and I will crash hard. And this brings me to my advice to Amelia. It's OK to be scared! You just can't stay scared. You have to be brave and trust that God has everything under control. Losing a tooth is a scary event, especially with the potential threat of surgery or extraction looming over your head. Losing the love you've learned to have for life is scary also. And having emotions is so important. You need to show sadness. You need to show happiness. You need to show fear! But you need to pray and have faith that God will bring you through those emotions and that you will end up right where you were meant to be. So, my Miss Amelia...even in the simple little lessons there are things to learn. It's OK to be afraid...it's what you do with that fear and where you land in the end that is the important piece. So, I'll let my heart have fear, but I will also know that the happiness that I am feeling is real and important and that all of this emotion will lead me to right where I'm supposed to be...healing, happy, whole!

The Boogeyman

Amelia is apparently singing at chapel on Wednesday with a friend. This friend's mom texted me Friday afternoon and asked if I'd heard our girls were singing a duet together. I was still at work and had not seen Amelia so I had not yet heard the news. So, I got into the car when they picked me up...and I waited...and waited...and finally I couldn't stand it anymore. "Amelia, are you singing in chapel on Wednesday?" "What?! Why would you think that?" "Well because I got a text from your friend's mom saying that you guys were singing together in chapel on Wednesday." "Ohhh...that! Yeah...I'm singing in front of the whole school." "WOW! What are you singing?" "Well, Ms. D asked the class if anyone knew the words to "God is Bigger than the Boogeyman" (a Veggie Tales song) and we were the only two that knew the whole thing by heart, so we get to sing it for the whole school on Wednesday." This was all said like it was no big deal. But, as the weekend wore on, my little mini-me started to get some anxiety about it all. So, she practiced and practiced and sang it in the car and sang it in the shower. She is very good at the song. Her voice is so cute when she sings. And, she knows all of the words by heart. So, I clap for her after every rehearsal and remind her that she's so smart that she knows that whole song and that she's going to do very well. Switching topics slightly, her anxiety is also up a little bit because of many things. The weather...she's terrified that the power is going to go out. It freaks her out when it does. The darker nights...she doesn't like the dark very much, but she is getting worried about the nights getting darker earlier. Halloween...she loves the dress up part, as long as it's princesses and cowboys and nothing scary. But, today we went to Hunter Farms to get our pumpkins. They have a mini haunted house there and we lost our better judgement for a minute and walked in. I took one look at the strobing lights and the fog and decided that I wasn't going to risk having a seizure. And Amelia saw the skeleton in the corner and the bloody head on the floor. I grabbed her hand and turned right around and got out of there. So, needless to say, she has some worries. So, tonight for our one more thing mommy moment, she decided she needed to practice her song one more time. So, she started singing, "When I'm lying in my bed...and the furniture is creaking...I'll just laugh and say, "Hey! Cut that out!" and get back to my sleeping 'cause I know that God's the biggest and He's watching all the while..." "Wait a minute, mommy! Why didn't I think of this? God is always with us. And He is bigger than the boogeyman! He's bigger than anything! So, why on earth am I worried about stuff? I just need to remember this song and I shouldn't be afraid of anything. He's always with me and He will always take care of me. No worries, right?" I smiled at her and kissed the top of her head. "You're right, La...no worries. God is bigger than the boogeyman. And He's bigger than anything that we've ever gone through, and bigger than anything we'll ever go through. So, you're right. We all need to remember those words and stop worrying." Isn't this the truth? That's all we need to remember. I know that many times throughout my life, I have tried to do it on my own. I am tough and independent and think that I know everything and can solve my own problems. But, I can't. I'm just not good enough...not big enough. I know in the moments of chaos when I feel like the entire world is swirling around me and I don't know what to do or where to turn that if I just stop what I'm doing, drop to my knees, and turn it over to Him, that He is bigger than any problem I'm fretting about. I have a dear friend that is constantly trying to remind me of this. Let go and let God...most of the stuff we worry about tends to be stuff we don't have to worry about...talk to God, let Him carry your burdens...why are you trying to do this on your own...she is filled with wisdom and awesome reminders about this, but I'm stubborn and I want to do it on my own. So, I throw up a prayer or two and push forward, trying to do the best I can on my own. And it NEVER works. I think that I got stuck in this pattern for the last three years. I was angry at life and sad and hurt and didn't know where to turn. I tried my best to survive on my own, to figure things out and fix everything on my own. And occasionally I would surrender part of it to God and see what He could work out for me. But, it wouldn't ever last and I would be struggling to tread water once again. And then a few weeks ago, I realized that I was missing a piece of the puzzle. I was missing the part where I surrender all to God and beg him for help, cry out for mercy, ask Him to take my burdens. I spent many nights in fervent, gut-wrenching, tear-filled prayer. Begging Him to take this burden. Asking Him to help me through October. Praising His name for all the blessings that I have in life, and asking Him to erase my pain, take away my heartache, mend my broken soul. And it worked. Like it always does. God is bigger than the boogeyman...He's bigger than your pain or heartache...He's bigger than it all, and He's just waiting for you to fall into His loving arms and surrender to His mercy, to His loving kindness and to ask Him for help. It took me a while to remember just how much my heavenly Father loves me and how much He wants good for me. And now that I've remembered, I'm moving forward, hand in hand with my kids, and in the protective shadow of my God! He is bigger than the boogeyman, and He's watching out for you and me...if only we could always remember that He's there, just waiting for us to come to Him. I thank God for the reminder of a six year old with the voice of an angel. Why didn't I think of this?

Fall Festival

Tonight was the Fall Festival at Jackson Park. Every year since Amelia was born, I have taken the girls. I don't volunteer to help out as a staff member because it's all about the girls that night. And, because typically, we go, and we leave about as quickly. The Fall Festival, although a very fun activity, is a nightmare for a little girl with sensory issues. So, every year I've taken Amelia previously, we have walked in, made our sugar wand, and left almost immediately because she just can't handle the crowd and the noise and the hustle and bustle. So, I worried a little bit going into this event this year, because since I am not able to drive, I asked one of my fellow staff members if they could give us a ride home. She said she could and I was very grateful to find a ride for the girls and me to get home. BUT, this also meant that I was at the mercy of this person's schedule, and she had volunteered to work a booth at the festival, which meant that we would have the stay for the ENTIRE evening. But, I cross my fingers, and decided if worse came to worse, we could go hide in my office for the evening and play the games in my room. So, Marilyn dropped the girls off at Jackson Park and we went back to my office to play for a while until the festival started. After a while, we got dressed in our costumes, put makeup on, adjusted crowns, slipped on our fancy shoes, and headed through the hallways to the gym. Amelia got to the gym door, took a deep breath, and walked in. And it was fabulous. There were no lines, she casually talked to my principal, we walked over to the sugar wand table...and THEN, the doors were opened and people started coming in. They poured in...tons of people. The loudness level increase. Scary costumes were blurring past as they ran to get to their lines for games. People were everywhere. And Amelia...did just fine! She loved it! We had a blast. We met up with old friends we hadn't seen in a while. We played games! I got to introduce my girls to most of my favorite students. We heard a story from our librarian (about cows - Amelia's favorite!). The girls did an amazing job! And before I knew it, it was 7:30 and time to go home! I couldn't believe it! We made it through the entire night. There were a couple times that Amelia came up to me and asked if we could go outside for a while, so we took a few breaks outside alone, but other than that, she was trooper! It was the best Fall Festival EVER! When our ride dropped us off at our house, we were walking to the door and Amelia said the same thing. "Mommy, that was the best time I've ever had! This is my favorite time of year!" I agree! We skipped bath and we got ready as quick as we could and I scooped Em to bed, and I went to La's room and tucked her in. She asked me to lay down for a minute, so I did. She kissed me and said, "I love you, mommy!" I squeezed her back and said, "I love you more, Amelia." I stood up and tucked her in and started to walk out when I hear, "Just one more thing mommy?" "OK, La...make it quick though. It's late." "I had fun tonight, mommy." "I did too, Amelia. What was your favorite part of today?" "Umm...Fall Festival." "What was your favorite part of Fall Festival." "That's easy. Just being with you and Emerson. I love you and there is no one I would rather be with at the Fall Festival than you guys. You make life fun! And we sure know how to have a good time together, don't we?" I smiled and said, "I couldn't agree with you more, sweetheart. I love you with all my heart." "I love you more, mommy. Good night." and then she rolled over and went to sleep. What a blessed life I have! If you read back a few posts and read about my weekend last weekend, I had a life-altering event on the anniversary of my husband's death. I didn't give details into this event, but ever since that day, some amazing things have come about. One of the things that I am noticing is that I got my zest for life back. I didn't realize that for so long, I wasn't living. I was surviving. I was going through the motions of the day to day and not living. Not noticing that there was more to life than what I was experiencing. Don't get me wrong, I had an amazing life. When you've got little babies, and the friends and family that I have, you can't help but have a great time. But, I wasn't experiencing life. The Fall Festiival at Jackson Park is crazy. It's packed and crowded and noisy and chaotic. But tonight? I lived it for the first time. I walked the hallways with my daughters by my side and I had the best time I've ever had there. I saw the joy in my children's faces. I saw the fun that the other kids were having. I watched my students interacting with each other, and having fun too. It was a great night! A great event! A great time! And my zest isn't just with Fall Festival. There are so many things that warrant so much emotion. My heart swells with pride when I look at the two little girls that I created. I get to be a mom to them? Wow! How did I get so blessed? What did I do to deserve them? The love I have in my heart for my friends is indescribable. I am truly blessed with some amazing friends and my heart sings with joy that I have people that love and care for me so. I have happiness about things that I haven't been happy about in a long time. Tonight, after I put the girls to bed, I was doing dishes. And I found joy in that. I found joy in the fact that I am blessed with a beautiful kitchen, and lovely dishes, and a house to raise my girls in...I am blessed! I thought about my coworkers...my Jackson Park family...and how God placed me at that school, with those people for a reason. And seeing them at the school tonight, giving to the kids that mean so much to so many of us was a perspective I hadn't seen before. I was too caught up in surviving to truly live and see life going on around me. I'm living life in a whole new light, and I am loving it! So, I encourage you all to find your zest! Find the things in your life that are holding you back from living and change them. Take a breath to truly enjoy every minute of life, because there is so much that you miss if you don't! I am amazingly happy...and maybe that makes me more crazy than I was when I was amazingly unsure of life and unsure of the future, and stuck under a little black raincloud. But, I don't care. I am experiencing life! I am living life and enjoying my babies and loving Fall Festival. So join me! Stop merely surviving and live! Because it's the most wonderful feeling in the world!

Pinky Promise

In our home, we often discuss the best parts of our days together. We used to do it all the time when Amelia was around three years old, but we got away from it. So every once in a while, one of us will ask, "What was the best part of your day?" Emerson fell asleep promptly while we were reading our nightly installment of the fairy books. So, after we finished the book, I laid my head next to Amelia's and said, "What was the best part of your day?" to which she replied, "I didn't have one..." I sat up and looked at her and she immediately started giggling. I narrowed my eyes at her and said, "Your giggle tells me otherwise. Did you have a good moment today?" She said, "No...but I had a funny moment. I couldn't run very fast today because of my outfit so I need to plan better tomorrow." This week is spirit week at the girls' school and today was "formal day." Amelia didn't really have a formal dress so after much begging and manipulation, she wore her Halloween costume dress to school. It is a beautiful full, puffy, glittery dress that is stunning on her and makes her look completely grown up! But apparently, it is not the best to run in. "Why was it hard to run in? Oh no! It wasn't PE day was it?" "No..." "Were you playing soccer? Or basketball in your princess dress?" "No..." "Oh...well, you said it was hard to run in so I was just wondering what you were playing." "Well, I wasn't exactly playing...the boys were chasing me and I kept having to hike my dress up so I wouldn't step on it. You know how embarrassing it is to have a boy catch you because of your dress? I would have died!" Oh my Amelia! Chasing boys...at six...in first grade. And I'm pretty sure some of those boys' mommas read my blog! :) I asked her what happens when the boys catch them and she said, "Duh mommy...we chase them back. And guess what? TODAY, we chased them and finally caught them, despite my dress being too long, and you know what? They didn't want to chase us back. So, we said that we would chase them again, but they had to pinky promise to take their turn after we caught them. So they did...and then we caught them. And do you know what?! (in her most exasperated voice!) THEY DIDN'T CHASE US!! What is this world coming to when you can't trust a pinky promise!" What is this world coming to indeed! A pinky promise is so important to a six-year-old. And when I think of my little girl sounding so dumb-founded that someone would go back on a pinky promise, it makes me think of all the other promises that are broken...all the other promises that people make to each other that just get tossed by the wayside. Campaign promises. Wedding vows. Promise to help. Promises to quit smoking. Promises to get jobs done. Promises to return things that have been borrowed. Promises are broken all the time. The value of a promise is gone. It means nothing anymore when some people say, "I promise!" Things have happened in my life that has exasperated me just as much as Amelia was taken back by the boys not keeping their pinky promise. It is a sad state of affairs that we live in when promises are broken, when people go back on their word. There are still people in my life that when they promise something to me, I will believe that they will follow through on their word, but those people become less and less all the time. Too many times, people promise things without thinking about the promise...without thinking about what they are saying to the other person. For example, someone the other day promised to do something for us, but the time is drawing near and it is not going to be done. When I called and asked the person about it, they very casually said, "Oh, you really wanted that done?" Um...yes! That was important to me and when I hear "I promise..." I'm still pretty naive and assume that it is going to get done. That there will be some sort of follow through. But time and time again, promises are broken. People find ways out of the promise. They find loopholes, or change their story, or blame me for really believing that they were actually going to follow through. So, if there's any lesson that I've learned in broken promises, it is that I will not break my promises. I'm very careful with who I promise things to, and if I feel like I cannot fulfill that promise, then I will not make it. It feel like it's better to be honest with people and let them know that you are busy, or that you just can't make it happen, rather than fill people with false hope and false excitement only to have you back out on your promise. The people in my life are very important to me, and I would prefer to keep them in my life and keep their importance. So, I always do my best to keep my promises to people, no matter how I can make that happen. And it is important to me to be able to maintain the same level of trust with my friends and family, even as life gets busier and busier. So, I will always be honest with you and let you know if I'm too busy to help out, or not able to follow through with something, and I will always keep my word...I promise!

Elvis Has Left the Building

In Amelia's experiences with nightmares, my therapist gave us a pouch of Guatamalan worry dolls. There are five little dolls in the pouch and Amelia takes them all out and tells them her worries from the day. Most of the time, her worries are regarding her nightmares. A few days ago, she decided she didn't need to tell them her worries...that she would be just fine without talking to them. One of the worry dolls had crazy black hair, so Amelia named him Elvis. He's the only one in the pouch with a name, and we laugh a lot about Elvis. About a month ago, Elvis's hair starting coming loose. We would laugh about his poor hair, and eventually, one of the worry dolls carried the burden of poor Elvis and his potential for losing his hair. And then, it happened. Elvis's hair fell off of his head. We laughed, and threw his hair in the garbage, and that freed up the other worry doll for another duty. Tonight as I was tucking Amelia into bed, she told me that she needed to talk to the worry dolls. She was certain she'd had a bad dream last night and she wanted to make sure it didn't happen again tonight. I pulled out the pouch and laid the worry dolls across her matress like usual. One...two...three...four... "Um, Amelia...we're missing a worry doll..." "WHAT?!? Oh my gosh...it's Elvis. This is unacceptable! First, he loses his hair, and now he loses his entire self! What are we to do?" (This is really how my kid talks...a hazard of being a speech therapist I suppose.) "Well, I don't know what we're going to do. I suppose we could look for him under your bed, or lift up your mattress?" "Mommy...let's just pretend that Elvis went back to Guatamala on vacation. My nightmares aren't bad anymore, so maybe he left because he knew that I only had four things to worry about instead of five. So, he knew it was safe to leave me alone for a while!" Oh, Miss Amelia...she is definitely her mother's daughter. If there are five worry dolls, she comes up with five things to worry about. If there are four, she'll only worry about four things. So, what a brilliant idea she had! Get rid of one worry doll, have one less worry! Wouldn't it be great if it were that simple? Get rid of a worry doll, get rid of a worry. I don't have worry dolls right now, so maybe I should get some so that I limit my worries to the number of dolls in my pouch. Life is full of worries, and I worry more than anyone should worry! I think that has been my nature my entire life. I've always been an anxious, worried person. I remember being like six years old and standing on the diving board at Olympic High School in swimming lessons and chewing my fingernails down to nothing. And I remember being in Kindergarten and wearing a dress that one of the eighth grade girls was wearing and worrying that my classmates would notice and would make fun of me for being such a big girl. And those worries continued and got bigger the older I got. I worried about wearing the same dress as the big kids, who would twirl my jump rope at recess, going to the older kids class for reading, disappointing my teachers, grades, my parents, my sister, my grandparents, schoolwork, friends, not having friends, not making the volleyball team, making the volleyball team, disappointing my parents, making the honor roll, picking the right college, grades again, getting into medical school, changing my major, not getting a good enough GPA, choosing the wrong major, not passing the GREs, not getting into grad school, clinical practicums, working at hospitals, working at schools, internships, graduation, picking the right job, moving home, finding a boyfriend, never getting married, finding a husband, making the right choice to marry Brian, having babies, being a good mom, doing the right thing for my babies, enrolling the girls in preschool, which school do I choose, why does my dad have cancer, staying at the school I've been working at forever, changing schools, should I be coordinator, do I creamate my husband, what songs do we play at his funeral, how do I tell Amelia, what if I have a seizure at work, when can I drive, why does my dad have cancer again, should I just drive, why can't I take my kids to the zoo, how can I pay off all of my bills, am I a good mom, am I doing what's best for my family, should I get more chickens, what do I do when I lose my Sissy dog...and the thing is??? I'm not unique by any means! We all have these worries. I think that my life experiences have given me some wisdom about a few things. And those things include heartache and worry so naturally I've become a listening ear for many about heartache and worry. And I'm ok with that because if that is a sliver of good that can come from my experiences, then I am certainly glad to pay it forward. But it saddens my heart that so many people are walking through so many different kinds of fires. There's a picture on Facebook that I have seen many times that says something about being kind to everyone, for we don't know the battles that anyone is facing. And sadly, it is so so true! Everyone has something. Everyone could go through my extensive list of my life worries and chose one and there would be a thousand others going through the same thing, or something worse. These are hard, worrisome times that we live in. And it is tough and scary and...hard! But, when I think about the things that Amelia worries about with her dolls, about Elvis losing his hair, it takes me back to the worries of a six year old sweetheart. Elvis losing his hair was one of her five worst worries for the day. And I am glad for that! Because it wasn't that long ago that her worries were much bigger, much more powerful and intimidating. And I know that we are all fighting our own demons. But, just imagine if you only got five worry dolls a day...or better yet, what if you only got ONE or TWO worry dolls a day. Or...even better...what if you didn't need to use them anymore! A few days ago, life was so good for Amelia that she didn't need her worry dolls anymore. And my heart leapt for joy! So, tonight when she asked for them again, my heart was sad for her, for I knew that something was on her mind. So, my goal? Pretend that all my worry dolls are on vacation in Guatamala. That I don't have any worries to offer up because life is too short to worry! Don't worry...easier said that done! But, I am pledging myself to worry less about the giant things that I usually have no control over and that worrying won't help anyways, and focus more on the little things that I might be able to help. Like poor Elvis's hair...

Horses or Zebras?

As you've probably seen in my previous posts, my daughter Amelia can be a totally profound six-year-old. We cover a lot of topics in any given night, most of them heavy topics for a little one Amelia's age. Just look at the first few posts. I get some great stuff from my little girl and she keeps me on my toes. And then, we have a conversation that helps me remember that she is just six years old. She is sweet, and young, and innocent, and fun, and...six! So, tonight's one more mommy moment isn't anything profound. There may not be any cheesy life lesson that I can come up with, but we can see where this goes. I covered Amelia up and started to walk out of her room and she said, "Mommy, just one more thing! If you were a zebra, and you couldn't have stripes, would you want to be all black, or all white?" I laughed at her question, and then thought about it for a minute. I smiled and said, "Black!" and she asked me why I chose that color. I told her how when I was a little girl, my favorite movies were The Black Stallion and Black Beauty. And that I loved looking at black horses and how pretty they are. I should have seen her next question coming, but she wanted to know why we didn't have a horse on our farm. I laughed and told her that we would probably never have a horse. She asked me why and I told her that they were expensive to buy and expensive to take care of and that I wouldn't be able to own a horse because I'm afraid of them. Yeah, you read that right. I'm afraid of horses! I want to like horses. They are beautiful. I'm envious of my friends that ride horses because it seems like a very fun, very peaceful thing, but I'm afraid of horses. I can stand in the middle of a cow pasture with twenty cows around me and I'm fine. But put me on the opposite side of a fence next to a horse and my heart starts to race, my palms get sweaty, and I'm terrified. I know that horses are smart and can sense fear and I know that this makes matters worse, but I can't help it. I don't know why I'm afraid of them for sure. I know that my uncle had Joe, the meanest horse I know. Joe bit me once on my back. I also watched my cousin get thrown from a horse. And my sister got thrown from a horse. I would just as soon hang out with the cows. They're cuter. And nicer. And not as mean. Or at least in my experience. Amelia laughed at me and said, "You're the toughest mommy I know. How could you be afraid of a horse?" I asked her to tell me something that she was afraid of. She right away said, "I'm afraid of the fire alarm going off." And then I said, "You're the toughest six-year-old I know. How could you be afraid of a fire alarm." She grinned widely and said, "Ahh...I see what you did there." I smiled at her and asked her if she had to be a zebra with no stripes what color would she be? Without hesitation she said WHITE! When I asked her why she said, "Because then I would look like an angel." Amelia then suggested that we try the horse thing sometime, that she had the perfect solution for me. She asked me if I was afriad of zebras and I told her that I didn't think I was, but that I'd never been face to face with a zebra. Then she said, "How about you try to find us a black horse, but instead of calling it a horse, we'll call it a zebra with no stripes. Then you won't be afraid of it." Oh Amelia...always trying to manipulate the systerm. Little Miss Smarty Pants!! Oh to think through things that way! To be able to take something that we're afraid of, or something that is difficult for us, and twist it into something that's not as scary, or not as daunting. To look at a horse and think of it as a zebra with no stripes, rather than a horse. Or even to look at the giant spider outside of our front door and not see a scary spider, but to see Charlotte and welcome her living with us. Amelia has a natural gift for always finding the positive in things, and I need to take a lesson from her. I am one that tends to think the worst and worry about something until it becomes this giant anxiety-filled problem. And I'm not 100% sure if this has truly changed, but my thinking over the last few days is different. Where there was once anxiety and fear and panic, there is only happiness and hope and joy! So, a few days ago I might have seen the horse and panicked and worried about my fear, but right now I can see the zebra with no stripes. I can look past my worries and fears and anxiety and see life in a different light. And it feels good. So, which one would you be? Black or white? It's kind of a fun little question. Even without the cheesy life lesson that I attempted to come up with! I don't know where Amelia comes up with the things she comes up with sometimes, but I do know that life is never boring. Our one more thing mommy moments have blessed me beyond measure. She is so amazing to me no matter what topic we happen to be discussing. She teaches me something with each conversation, whether it's about death and dying, or horses and zebras. I'm lucky to have a little reminder living with me to not fear the horses, but to look for the zebras without stripes.

Haunted House

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. I think that I like holidays in general, so it might not mean much to say that, but I LOVE fall...it is my absolute favorite season. So, because it falls in this season, Halloween gets a special nod from me. And I think that the special feelings of the holidays is more intensified when you have small children, and Halloween is no exception. Watching the excitment and the wonderment from Amelia and Emerson surrounding Halloween gets me even more excited. Tonight, we pulled out one more box of Halloween decorations, which the girls tore through and "decorated" the house. They were helping mommy out, so while I was outside finishing up chicken chores and taking the garbage to the curb, they decorated, which consisted of them piling all of the Halloween decorations on the coffee table in the living room. I smiled as a came into the door and saw the huge stack of decorations and their crooked little smiles, so proud at the work they had done. All day today our conversations have been about Halloween. We talked about decorating this morning on our way home from church. We talked about the Fall Festival at Jackson Park, and wearing our Halloween costumes to school, and trunk or treats, and trick or treating. When we were on the way to ballet practice, the Haunted House at the Fairgrounds came up and Amelia was curious. My mom and I answered questions she asked about the haunted house, but I stopped that conversation because little three-year-old ears were listening, and little six-year-old mouths don't know when to stop asking questions about scary things. We decorated together for the evening. Part of our Halloween decorations include little jack-o-lantern...well...lanterns that hang along the pathway to our back door. They have a spot for a tea light and they light up and look spooky. While we were outside we could hear coyotes in the woods by my uncle. As soon as the girls asked what that noise was, and I told them, they were back inside in a flash. Halloween is fun...for the most part! After reading our stories for the evening, I was tucking Amelia into bed. She was getting everything situated and getting ready to crawl under her pillows when she paused and started her one more thing mommy moment for the night. "Mommy, could we go back to that conversation earlier about the haunted house." "Um...are you sure you want to talk about this right before bed?" "Um...yeah...why wouldn't I?" "Well, I just don't want you talking about something that might scare you right before bed..." "Oh...no...that won't happen. So, what's so bad about this haunted house?" "Well, they just have creepy things in it. It's a haunted house, so they just do different things to make it scary." "What are the skeletons made of?" "What?!" "Well, it's a haunted house. I'm assuming they have skeletons in a haunted house. So, what are the skeletons made of?" "I'm assuming plastic bones..." "Not real ones?" "No, Amelia...I don't think they're real ones." "So, can you take me to the haunted house?" "No." "Why not?" "It's too scary for a six year old. I'll let you go when you're fourteen. Maybe." "Fourteen? That's so not fair. How about ten?" "Nope...fourteen..." "Eleven?" "Amelia! I'm not negotiating with you about this right now." "Come on, mom," complete with eye roll, "Haunted houses are so my thing." I smiled and patted her on the head. "OK, Miss crawling under my pillow at night because I might be a little afraid of not doing that..." She smiled back at me, shook her head, and said, "I can't fool you, huh mom..." How often do we, even as adults, do this though? How many times have things come up in our lives that we are terrified to do, but we do them anyway? Why? What possesses us to do this? Little miss Amelia, who hides under her pillow at night, who won't walk to the back of our house after dark, who runs from her room to the bathroom at night, and then does the same back to her bed and takes a running leap to get into bed, claims that haunted houses are "her thing?" Why? We do the same thing as adults. What is the draw of being scared? Why do we go to haunted houses? Why do we watch horror movies? Why do we like being scared? Want to know my theory? Well, if you don't, then stop reading ------> here. My theory is that real life is much worse! Real life is scary! Adult responsibilities are scary. Paying bills, stress at work, government shutdowns, grocery worker strikes, natural disasters, family and friends with cancer, children being abducted, financial issues, GMOs, people hurting other people, increasing crime rates, hatred between people, child molesters, robberies, car accidents...the list goes on and on. Real life is scary! I think that haunted houses and scary movies and Halloween are all fun because they are controlled scary. When I used to go to the haunted fairgrounds with my friends or my husband, it was scary! The guy that jumps out at the end with the chainsaw got my heart beating faster, but I knew that he wasn't coming after me really. I knew that I was safe. That it was all staged...all an act. Real life? It isn't staged. When I look at the events in my life for even the last ten years, scary things have happened. And they were not staged. They were not fun. I was not safe at the end of the tour. And when you each pause and take a look at your lives, I think you might agree with me. Haunted houses seem much more appealing than real life when you have to be faced with either a nightmare that ends at the end of the dark tunnel, or one that just might not end... But, do you know what? I wouldn't trade real life for the control of a haunted house EVER! Sure, real life is scary! But it's also so, so beautiful. Even though I experienced some scary things in college and changed my career path after completing all the requirements for medical school, I never would have gotten my job with Central Kitsap School District as an SLP and I woulnd't have the friends and coworkers I have today. And when my grandma's house burned down, I was terrified, but if that hadn't happened she wouldn't have moved in with us and I wouldn't have gotten those last few precious moments with one of the ladies that I've admired most in my life. And as petrified as I was when my dad was diagnosed with a medical condition, it never would have led to his life being saved. And as heartbroken as I was and as scary as it was during the time that my husband passed away, had that part of my life not happened I wouldn't have my two babies that bless me every day! Life is scary...but you can't let that hold you back from pressing on, and working your way through. Sure, you're going to have scary times. And you're going to be frozen in fear, and reeling from the terror. BUT, you come out the other side! And with the loving God that brings us to the scary things, He'll be there to walk you through to that other side. And even though life is scary, make sure that you are taking the time to see the beauty in life also! Don't let the scary get to you...because if it does, you miss the beauty! You miss the moments where the sun rises the next day and all is peaceful. It's taken me a while to get there, and I'm not saying that I don't have moments that bring me to my knees with fear, because I do. But, then I hear Amelia tell me that haunted houses are her thing, and I hear the courage and see the bravery of a six-year-old girl and I know that I don't have to be afraid of the man with the chainsaw because I'm at the end, and no one can hurt me now.

Stronger!

Today is a significant date in our lives...three years ago today my husband died. And for these past three years, this day has been burned into my mind and my heart. October became a month that brought fear and panic into my heart. Last year I hit October and I honestly can't tell you when I recovered. This year, starting in the middle of August, I began to panic that October was coming and I was beginning the spiral downward into despair and heartache and pain and panic. I tried hard to tell myself that it was only a month. I tried hard to tell myself that all would be fine and there was nothing to worry about. I tried hard to convince myself that I would just turn the calendar like nothing happened. I also apparently told myself that Halloween themed hair flair would make it all better because I'm fairly certain that my girls could wear a different bow or headband or ribbon the entire month and still not wear all that I purchased for them. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love pumpkins and leaves and the crisp air and football and the changing of the season and all that goes with it, but the events of 2010 changed that for me a bit. Fall became the season that I dreaded the most because of the painful memories that October brought with it. And this year started no different. October 1st hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wasn't sure how I was going to pull myself out of it. And every day after that I could feel myself slipping away a little at time. And then, something happened in our household that changed my tune. I'm not willing to go into details about it at this time, and I don't know if I ever will go into it, but my girls and I shared a struggle in our home over the last few weeks that started to better define my feelings about this month. And then I knew October 18th was just around the corner. And through what I would say is nothing short of the hand of God, a plan fell into place for dealing with the 18th. My girls and I shared an experience tonight that has completely changed us...for the better. We prayed and bonded and made it so our home feels like a home again, a place where we can live in peace and be happy and healthy and unafraid to take the world on together. Several times tonight, Amelia has looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad we did this! I am so happy now!" and she is 1000% right! Our house is happy! My girls are happy! I am happy! The tears I cried today were not the tears of heartache and pain and bitterness and anger. They were tears of joy and hope and relief that we are a family. We are a close family of three and we are incredibly happy together! I walked through my house tonight and for the first time in a long time, I could see our house as a home. A place where my girls and I will be happy together for many years to come. A place where we are safe and sound. A place to host friends and family and be able to thrive and grow together. October 18th came, and October 18th went...and we have survived and have come through on the other side even stronger. Life is full of possibilities for all of us! And the euphoria I feel could not be explained if I tried! I am the mother to two beautiful, amazing, resilient little girls. And how lucky I am! Our one more thing mommy moment tonight came as I was tucking Amelia and Emerson into MY bed. Amelia squeezed my neck tightly and said, "Mommy...I am SO blessed!! I have the best mommy in the world and the best little sister in the world and I could not be more happy than I am right now in this moment! I thank God for giving me this life." And then, for the first time in a LONG time, both of my girls drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. As I stood over them smiling and thinking about the past three years, my heart bursts with pride. Emerson has never known a time without turmoil and strife. And Amelia has been through so much being that she was three when Brian died that I worry about her a lot. But, tonight? That is all erased...we are thriving and moving forward! As corny as this sounds, today is the first day of the rest of our lives! We have the power to change what our future holds, and the three of us took a HUGE step towards doing that together today! No longer will October have it's power over me and my daughters. No more will we be stuck in a pattern of grief and pain. For we have taken a huge leap into our future. We took our future into our hands and I am thrilled with where we are headed. This house is blessed and sealed. No negative energy lives here now. Praise God for getting us through this! Thank God for walking us into the light! What an amazing future we have!! I can't wait to see what's in store for the Duncan girls! Throughout the past three years, many people have told me how strong I am and I have not believed them. I couldn't see how anyone would think that! Through my tears and pain and heartache and reeling and...But tonight? I am indeed strong! I know I am stong! I look back on what we've been through and I am amazed at the strength and resiliency of my little girls. And I feel strong and empowered and simply amazing! I, Tamara Duncan, am strong! And I hope and pray each day that my girls can be strong in their lifetimes too! They have been so strong and so brave over our short time together so far. And the events of tonight, watching them and seeing them grow and join together, I know that they will be just fine! Because if they can survive their father passing, and their mother trying to navigate through the grief process all while still just being babies, then they can do anything! And Amelia is so right...for I am blessed also! I have the best daughters in the world, and an amazing support system! We are here to take on the world!

A Question for You...

Something happened today that I feel like I need advice on...especially advice from my readers that have children. I had someone point out to me that my blogs contain lots of personal information. Well, I already knew this part, but it was their opinion that the information that I share about Amelia is too personal and that my sharing this information, and the details of our private conversations on this blog could have the potential to harm my relationship in the future with Amelia. That the information that I present in my blogs could be a detriment to her in that if discovered by the wrong person, they could be used against her. At first I was defensive to this person, saying that my intention with the blogs was to shed light on the inner thoughts of my dear six year old and to connect it to a life lesson I felt was important. To someday be able to sit down with her and show her my pride and joy in her. To let her know how deeply I cherish our conversations and that I am honored to be able to learn so much from her. My intention was also to add stories about Emerson because she is also starting to give me the "Just one more thing..." line. Her stories are not quite as enlightening as Amelia's, but she's only three so I was going to give her some time before writing her off as not good enough for blog material :) I was angry that this person would suggest that I was exploiting my daughter and that something I enjoy writing could possibly be negative. But, it's nagged at me all day. What if this person is right? What is Amelia grows up realizing that our intimate nighttime conversations are documented on the internet for all the world to see? What if she sees this and she no longer feels safe sharing with me, or talking to me? What if I've ruined my chances of being the person that Amelia comes to? It bothered me enough that I talked to Amelia about it. I told her that I write stories about the conversations we have and that people read them. She asked what my stories were about and I told her. I haven't read any of them to her, but that may be my next step to stop my stomach from being upset, but I thought I'd start here and ask what other people think, because I am torn. I'm torn between continuing the blogging that I am enjoying. Writing my story for me and Amelia to share in later years (and Emerson, too) and to be able to reflect on the conversations that we had. And torn between the other side that I do indeed cherish my moments with Amelia, and I would be devastated if she saw my blogging as a betrayal of trust. That I was exploiting her for my own entertainment. That I am using our stories to play the victim and not move forward. Because that wasn't my intention at all, but it is coming across to some as that and I would not want it to come across to Amelia as that. I am most certainly not trying to play a victim. In fact, this blogging process has made me feel stronger and more confident and a better momma to my girls. And I would never want that to be jeopardized. So, I'm not sure what the future of my blogging endeavors will be. My stomach is in knots and has been since this was pointed out to me, and like I said above, I'm torn. I don't know what to do or what to think. Perhaps I'll think about it all night and decide to maybe scale back on sharing details of my family. And if anyone has any advice or their own thoughts, I'd be curious to know because maybe I am playing the victim...maybe I'm over-sharing details of our conversations and our lives. Maybe no one really cares one way or the other, but I tend to take everything to heart, so I care. I love my girls with all my heart and no matter what, their safety and well-being are what matter the most. And if typing some words every night is going to be something that isn't good for them, then maybe this blogging stuff is not for me. So, I'll think and pray and worry about it for a while...and I suppose my answer will come to me at some point. I do enjoy writing, but maybe I need to go back to my other blog and post about me, so that it's my life that is exposed and not my daughters' lives. Because that was never my intention...never...

BFFs

This evening the girls and I spent our evening at Prompt Care and the verdict: Emerson has a bilateral ear infection and Amelia has an ear infection in her left ear. I'm so glad I always encourage my girls to share! So our one more thing mommy moment was when Amelia sat up in bed and asked, "When can I take the cotton out of my ear?" I smiled and told her it would feel much better if she left it in so she laid down and went right to sleep. Poor baby! She's had a rough couple of days. If any of you read my previous blog, you would maybe remember that Amelia also has many allergies. In her list of allergies so far (because some days it seems to change by the hour!) she is very allergic to: dairy, eggs, pickles, grass, nettle plants, dog saliva, bees, amoxicilin, penicillin, keflex (another antibiotic), and maybe tomatoes. That one goes back and forth. We have EpiPens stashed everywhere! So, yesterday when she went to the dentist, my wonderful babysitter informed her that she's allergic to many antibiotics and they gave her one that is not in the classes she's allergic to. But, the antibiotic that she is on is pretty harsh on the digestive system so they told me to make sure she eats yogurt with probiotics. Amelia can't eat yogurt, but the nice doctor at Prompt Care told me there was a non-dairy probiotic that Amelia could take. After reading all of the probiotic boxes on the shelf at Walgreens I found ONE that said lactose-free. Prompt Care doctor put Amelia on Erythromycin for her ear infection. And Emerson came home with Amoxicilin. They both get ear drops so hopefully life is good soon! Poor kids... Luckily, Amelia and I had a conversation earlier today that warrants making it on the blog tonight. I was cleaning out her folder from the week (my kids don't have school for the rest of this week) and I found a folded up picture. I unfolded it and it was a drawing from Amelia's best friend at school. It was a picture she drew of the two of them together and written across the bottom was written, "I like you Amelia." Cutest thing EVER! Amelia and this other darling little one have been friends for a while, but they have gotten super close over this last school year. And it has been SO cute! And it definitely warmed my heart! I smiled at the picture and asked Amelia about it. She said, "Yeah, *Friend's name here* really likes me, and I really like her. She's my bestie!" I could not have been happier! In the past few years I have definitely learned the value of having a bestie and I am blessed with a couple of the best! So, I am glad that Amelia is learning so young the importance of friends. Today at work was kind of stressful. Well, to be honest, everyday at work is kinda stressful lately. And in my stressed out stage, I knew exactly who I needed and I made sure that even though everything was going nuts and my phone was ringing off the hook and I have 5000 IEPs and Evals and a department meeting to plan and unhappy people and things falling apart, I knew I needed to see my bestie. I needed to take time for me, for us, and go and vent just a little and maybe even listen a little! To take a few minutes and laugh and talk and let go of my frustration. To check in and see how life is going on the other side of the building. So, it makes me very happy to know Amelia has already found her bestie. The one that she shares secrets with, and makes secret handshakes with. The one that she laughs and cries with. The one that she is so comfortable with that she quite often tells me, "I just love her so so much!" And I am so happy that I have that too! I have people that I know love and support me. That listen to me cry and vent and rant and sob and bear my heart and soul to. People that hold me and tell me everything will be ok. People to share secrets with and laugh with and cry with. And the ones that I am so comfortable with that I quite often think, "I just love them so so much!" So, thank you to the friends that I have in my life, and thank you to my besties, who always go the extra mile for me. You know who you all are...and I'm eternally grateful! Make sure you have a bestie...those one or two people you are super close with! Because you need them! There comes a time in everyone's life where you need those people to lean on. You need those people to bolster you up when times are tough. To remind you of your purpose in life! And chances are, the people that you pick to be your besties, the people you choose to be your person, maybe, just maybe might need you to be their bestie, their person too...

The Dentist

Amelia and Emerson had dentist appointments after school today. They were both very excited. We love our dentist's office and the girls have been looking forward to this appointment for a while. So, when I got into the car when they came to pick me up, they were excited to tell me all about their appointments. They got t-shirts, and The Lion King was playing on the TV screens. They got toothbrushes and toothpaste and Emerson showed me her cavity-free club certificate. And then Marilyn showed me the treatment plan for Amelia...she has an infected tooth and I have to make an appointment to go in and have it removed. And that changed the entire mood of the car, and of the entire evening actually. Amelia was moody and emotional and she started crying as we did bathtime tonight. Was she worried about having the tooth pulled? Yeah, but her anxiety was much deeper than that...but she couldn't tell me what was wrong. She sobbed in my arms and said how disappointed she was in herself. I hugged her and told her it wasn't anything that she did! And it would all be OK. That it wasn't any different than a tooth falling out. I tucked my sad girl into bed and I asked her one more time if she was OK. She burst into tears and asked if we could talk about just one more thing. I sat on the edge of her bed and she buried her little face into my chest and cried. Through her muffled tears she exclaimed, "It's all my fault! I'm the worst tooth care person EVER!" I pulled her away from me and I asked her what she was talking about. She informed me that she ruined her teeth. It was all her fault. I shook my head and said, "Sometimes these things happen!" And she wailed, "No! I did this to my tooth because I can't stop chewing on things!" Some of you may or may not know that when Amelia was 18 months old, she was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder with Obsessive-Compulsive Tendencies. She was a sensory baby for sure. She hated socks and shoes. Clothes made her crazy. She would get too hot and sweaty at nap and would scream for up to four hours after. Fireworks and smoke alarms are enough to drive her over the edge. Crowed places are just places that we avoid. Every year we attend the Jackson Park Fall Festival and usually make it about 15 minutes before it's time to go home. She just has little quirks that she's had all her little life. Most of the things that plagued her when she was an infant are gone, with the help of maturity, Occupational Therapy, and other events that helped her move through things. But a few things have stuck. And the worst of her remaining habits is her need and desire to chew on things...everything! Paper, clothing, plastic beads, staples, sequins, and almost anything she can get her little mouth on. Our OT recommended chewy tubes, which are AMAZING and were very helpful when she was little, but not so cool now that she's six. And sadly, as she has chewed on things, things get stuck in her teeth. Many times she will come to me telling me that something is stuck in her tooth and we work and work and work to get it out. Lately, though, things gets stuck and she's embarrassed to admit it so she won't tell me until her gums are red and swollen and bleeding. So, Amelia decided tonight that there might be something stuck and it's her fault that her tooth has to be pulled. She talked about how stupid she is and that she does not know what makes her want to chew everything. And it dawned on me that I haven't directly talked to her about her Sensory Processing Disorder. So, I told her tonight. I explained to her everything that I typed above about her infancy and toddler years. I told her what it meant and that whatever was going on in her brain, it needed to chew on things. We talked about how it isn't cool to have a chewy tube and that she was mortified to think that her teacher, Ms. D., would find out. I asked her why and she said, "I don't want to be the only one in her class that is weird and has something wrong!" I shook my head and smiled at her and said, "You're not! I guarantee it!" She wanted to know how I knew and that she didn't know any other kid that had this problem. I asked her if she remembered what my job was and she told me to teach kids speech. And then I told her that I work with a bunch of kids that have sensory issues. And she asked me to tell her about them, so I did. She relaxed a bit and said, "So I'm not alone?" I said, of course you're not alone. You have your momma, but there are lots of kids that don't like the way things feel or taste or smell. And there are a lot of kids that need to do things to make themselves feel better. She agreed that maybe she could compromise and wear some of the "chewelry" that we have, but that she was still too embarrased to tell Ms. D. I agreed that was an ok compromise for now, but that Ms. D. wouldn't judge her. That people need to know these things so they can help out. So then we started into a conversation about how everyone has things about themselves that they don't like. Amelia asked me what mine was, and I told her that I didn't like my weight. That my weight and being fat my whole life has been embarrassing. That I don't want people to know what I had for dinner last night, or that I don't exercise, or that there are many activities that I avoid because of my weight. And then I started to cry. And Amelia wiped away my tears and asked me why I was crying and I told her that my whole life has been a struggle with what I weigh and what I should eat and what I shouldn't eat and how it impacts my life, and that it made me sad that she had something, some burden, that she might carry her whole life. She scrunched her face up like she does when she's thinking and she said, "You know what mommy? I'll work on remembering my chewie tube and let you help me with that, if you work on planning meals and exercising and I'll help you with that. Deal?" and then she reached out her little hand and we shook on it. I grabbed her and squeezed her and told her I was excited to help each other. She smiled and said, "Me too!" So, what's your thing? What are you uncomfortable with? What do you dislike about yourself? What do you want to change? Your weight? The way you see yourself? Housekeeping skills? Time management? Organization? We're all human...we all have something that is embarrassing...that if someone noticed or saw or knew that was part of your being that we would just as soon die as have it revealed. I don't want you to really tell me, unless you feel like you want to! But Amelia and I are working on ours. And I am once again sharing with you all because public knowledge of something that I'm working on usually spurs me to be better. So, it starts tonight...right now! Amelia went to bed with thoughts of her chewy tube instead of the other harmful objects she chews on. And I'm going to bed with thoughts of menu planning and walking and getting back on track with my weight loss. Because if my six year old is willing to put herself out there and work on something she's struggling with, then I'm going to do it right alongside her. And we're going to succeed! I want my daughters to be just as proud of me as I am of them!

Eyeballs

We've been sort of on a nightmare roller coaster here in our little house. And when this happens, we all get sick...we all get tired...we all get sick and tired. I know I've blogged about nightmares before, and this post is not another one of those posts, but it's a post about the aftermath of being sick and tired. We talk about death...a lot! It comes up at least once a week. I think that when an immediate member of your family dies, it just becomes par for the course to talk about death. Amelia is the most curious one...the one most fascinated with death and dying. We talk about her fish dying when she was little. We talk about how she almost died when she was first born because she wouldn't breathe on her own. We talk about daddy dying...Tonight's just one more thing moment turned into just a million more things moment. It's hard to just cut a six year old off when talk turns to death and dying and heaven and Satan. So, when she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I know why Emerson is having such horrible nightmares" my heart sank to my knees and I asked her why. She scrunched up her forehead, raised one of her eyebrows and said, "I'm pretty sure it has to do with Satan." I smiled and said that I agreed. That Emerson's horrible dreams could only be Satan's doing. Then, she squeezed her hands into fists and said, "That Satan has a lot of nerve coming down here to our house and messing with my sister. If he thinks he can get away with that, he's got another thing coming because I'll kill him." I'm pretty sure my eyes went wide because she quickly unclenched her fists and said, "Oh, that's not very nice. If I do that, then God is mad and Satan wins because he wants me to be mean. So nevermind." I gave her a kiss, turned off the light and started to walk away, when I hear, "Wait, Mommy...just one more thing, please?" I turned and leaned against the door. Amelia sat up in bed, glared into my eyes and said, "Mommy...how did daddy die?" I so badly wanted to get back to that other topic about Emerson's nightmares. I walked back to Amelia's side and sat on the bed and started to give her my scientific version of events where I tell her that his heart stopped beating and his brain stopped working. She reached over and grabbed my face with her hands and said, "No, mommy...HOW did daddy die?" Ugh...tears flooded into my eyes. This is not a conversation I'm ready to have with you folks (should that be plural?!), let alone with my six year old daughter. So, I grabbed her hands with tears in my eyes and I said, "Amelia, this is a very important conversation that I promise you we will have someday, but Mommy is not prepared to have that conversation with you now." She looked sideways at me and said, "Aww, man! I have to wait?" I smiled and said, "Mommy has to wait for God to tell me when it's the perfect timing and for Him to give me just the right words, and He hasn't done that yet. So we both have to just wait." She smiled at me, and laid back down. Her last words to me were, "Is this on our list of things we don't talk about at school?" We have a rule...that she can ask any question she wants to and I will do my best to give her an answer (an HONEST answer), but there are certain topics that if I ever hear she is talking about at school with friends, then our deal is off and we can't have those conversations for a while...such as where babies come from, or death, or medical knowledge...she's constantly asking me to show her pictures of things that she and I think are cool, but might gross out a majority of her classmates, like the time she asked if her eyeball could pop out of her head and then wanted me to Google it to see if there was a picture on the internet. (There is, by the way!!) So, I answered her that if she felt like she needed to talk about her daddy dying at school that she could talk to her friends about that if she felt like she needed to, but that it would probably be a better idea to talk to her teacher, Ms. D, or MomMom or Pa, or Marilyn, but that she was in a unique situation because most of her friends hadn't experienced death the way she had and their parents may not apperciate the lesson coming from Amelia. She understood, and then asked why God couldn't have given her something different to be unique about. She then quickly apologized, told God that she loved the way her life had ended up, and that she was sorry she was not more appreciative. I smiled and hugged her and told her how proud I was of her, and how proud God was of her. She asked, "One more thing? What do you think heaven is like?" (Seriously...let's hit ALL the heavy topics in one night...) so I gave her my best rendition of heaven..clouds and angels and sparkle and the people we love and God and Jesus and...she placed her hand on mine and said, "That's much more fun to talk about then death, huh?" I smiled and told her that I couldn't agree more. These conversations take the wind out of my sails as a momma. When I started on this path to husband and kids and family I didn't think that I would end up in place where I was talking death to a six year old. But, it's part of our reality. Death happened in our house. Death came and took a piece of our family, and my girls have questions. Amelia wants to know how it happened. Emerson wants to know why we're missing boy in our house. Some days, I want to know why I was placed into this life to have to explain death to two beautiful little girls. Why we couldn't have bedtime chats that just revolve around ballet or toys or friends at school. And then I think of Amelia's words of wisdom that I just typed up above. I need to apologize to God, tell Him that I love the way my life ended up, and show more appreciation for what He has done for us! We may not have a boy in our house, but that too was part of the Master's plan. And God placed me with these two little girls for a reason. Maybe it is to teach them about death and dying and heaven and resiliency. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the one that is supposed to learn from them, because I do each and every day. What a relief to know that the three of us are in this together! There would be no one else that I would pick to be on this journey with me than those two little girls! So, I cherish all of my moments with my girls and I look forward to more conversations about babies, and death, and eyeballs falling out of heads because I am glad my girls are comfortable asking me those questions, but I'm also thankful for every moment with them...even the conversation I'll have to have someday about how their daddy died. Until then, I'll take the eyeball question any day :)

The 12th Woman

Some of you may know that I love football...specifically, the Seahawks. For our first Christmas together, I bought Brian season tickets to the Seahawks. I was so excited for him to open that gift and see what we were going to be able to spend time doing together. Although, when we finally got our tickets, I didn't get to go as often as I would have liked to. But, now that the tickets are mine and mine alone, I get to go to every game if I want to...and I do!! There is nothing that I love more than being at a Seahawks game and until you've gone to one in person, I don't think you could ever understand! The joy that I get from watching the players enter the field, seeing the 12 Man flag raised, hearing the deafening roar of the crowd, watching the bone-crushing plays. It's awesome! Those are most certainly my happy day! I love football! When Brian passed away, I posted my tickets for sale on Facebook. Nothing like the panic of one entire income being ripped out from under you to spur on life-changing decisions. I sold me tickets. In a period of about 45 minutes, I watched as all of the games I had left were sold. I was devastated. But, in the midst of my sadness I had several of my friends purchase them and take me with the other ticket. And I am eternally grateful to those people! That was such a hard time for me, and the generosity that you all showed just purchasing the tickets was amazing, but for some of you to take me with you warmed my heart! One of the people that took me to the game with them was Kristi. Kristi and I were not close three years ago. In fact, her mom had tried to get us to be friends, but neither of us were interested in friends at that point...or at least I wasn't interested. I was getting married! I didn't need friends, I had Brian. And then my world came tumbling down and this girl I barely knew bought the tickets for my birthday weekend...and then took me with her. She and I had a fantastic time and we became fast friends! And she's gone to almost every home Seahawk game since then. And there isn't anyone in the world I would rather spend my football days with than her. We laugh. We cry. We vent. We maybe drink a little bit...we cheer for our home team whether they are winning or losing (although we say all the time how much more fun it is when we win.) This girl was a stranger. And then she was my friend's daughter. And then she was my football partner. And now she's one of my very best friends. I love her with all my heart and I live for the days of the home games. It used to be about the football...and it still is to a point, but I also can't wait to spend time with this girl who is kind and amazing and funny and my soul sister. Seahawk Sundays with Kristi are my happy place! My heart soars when we sit in those seats together laughing and screaming our lungs out. Which bring me to my One More Thing, Mommy moment: I tuck Amelia into bed and she says, "Why do you like football so much? What's so great about it?" And I proceed to tell her basically what I've typed above. She squints her eyes and looks at me and says, "So, it's really just an excuse to hang out with Kristi?" I smiled at her and said, "Yes, Amelia. That is part of it. I love football a lot, but I love Kristi a lot too." Then Amelia says, "Mommy, Emerson and I miss you a lot when you are gone." My guilty mommy side kicked in immediately and I said, "I know Amelia. I miss you both too, but..." "Mommy...you didn't let me finish. Emerson and I miss you a lot when you are gone, but we hope that you aren't sad. We know how much you love Kristi. And you know how much WE love Kristi. So, we aren't sad when you go to football with Auntie Kristi because we know it makes you both happy. You are our best mommy ever, and we want you to be happy because you do everything for us. So, staying with MomMom and Pa is our way to thank you for all you do, because we just love you and want you to be happy." She told me good night and I stood there for a few minutes...thinking in awe once again at the gift I have in those two girls. I am a lucky momma...not only do I get to go to football and have a bestie in Kristi, but I also have two of the most precious, most caring, most sensitive girls in the world. I am a blessed momma...and a blessed friend...and a blessed football fan :) What more could a girl ask for? Go Hawks!

Burying Your Head in the Sand

Amelia's teacher has a prize box. It's part of the reward system that she uses in her classroom apparently. If they students are "caught" doing something good, they fill out a slip and get their names into a drawing to win things at the end of the week. This last Friday, Amelia's name was drawn and she got to go to the prize box. According to Amelia, there were smiley face erasers, a baby doll, and other things that would entertain most six year olds. Amelia picked a mini stuffed ostrich which Amelia named Hefe. We have chickens (real ones) on our mini farm. The first batch of chickens we got were named after berries (Strawberry, Blackberry, Blueberry) and the second batch of chickens we named after beer. Hefeweizen is one of them, so naturally she names everything that now. So, we now own an ostrich named Hefe. Amelia was telling me about picking the ostrich out of the box. She loves that little ostrich. She has played with it all weekend, even fashioning a dress and a pair of pajamas for it. Tonight, she was asking about ostriches. We talked about how fast they run. We talked about how they have tiny brains. We talked about how they bury their heads in the sand when they are frightened. Working in the schools, I remember seeing information on gifted learners and how they are not just satisfied learning stuff, but that they take it to the next level and want to know everything about a topic. So, talking about ostriches tonight eventually let to getting my iPad out and watching videos on ostriches. She wanted to see one bury his head in the sand. But YouTube did not help out with that. We saw them running. We saw them eating. We saw them being turned into soup and satay. :( But no hiding their heads in the ground. Amelia was rather disappointed, but she decided to act it out. She climbed into bed, and shoved her head under her pillow. Then she sat up and said, "Oh my gosh! I'm just like an ostrich! I bury my head under my pillow instead of burying my head in the sand." She giggled, rolled over, and said "good night, mommy!" I started to walk away and she came back with her one more thing, mommy moment: Mommy...it's ok to bury your head when you're scared, isn't it? I came back to the doorway and stood silent for a minute. I was at a loss for words. I know that many times in my life when I'm afraid all I want to do is bury my head...pretend bad things never happen...pretend everything is ok. Is that a bad thing? I don't think it is, unless you don't ever deal with what you need to deal with. Three years ago this month, my life was turned upside down. And I was fine. I buried my head in the sand. I went into autopilot and told everyone that everything was fine. That nothing was wrong. That I was fine, all the while burying my head in the sand. And all of this denial and pretending and not facing my fears led to physical problems...seizures mostly, but I haven't felt well for years. So, I told Amelia that it was natural to be scared. That it was part of life to be afraid of things and it was human reaction to bury our head in the sand. And that was OK. But, we need to talk about our fears. We need to reach out to others when we want to bury our heads in the sand. We need to know when enough is enough and pull our heads out of the sand and face our fears. And that is a hard thing! I'm still trying to face my fears. I'm still trying to fight the urge to bury my head. But in the long run, it's the best choice, the healthiest choice. Amelia started to lay down and tuck her head under her pillow. She said, "Mommy, I just can't face my fears right now. I'm too scared to not put my head under my pillow." I walked over and held her hand. I told her that I would be here for her always. That I am just down the hallway and that we always prayed that nothing bad is going to happen to her. She hugged me, and told me I was the best mommy ostrich ever. She laid her head ON the pillow, and drifted off to sleep as I sat next to her on the bed with tears streaming down my face. It's hard to fight your fears. It's hard to face your fears. It's even harder to be a momma to a little one who is scared to face her own fears. I wish I could take away her fears. I wish that I could help her get rid of the things that torment her little spirit. But, if I've learned anything it's that we each have to take the steps to develop our own resiliency. And if a little stuffed ostrich can play even a little part in getting Amelia to develop her resiliency, then that will be the best lesson she's learned in first grade. So...don't bury your head in the sand! Please, don't bury your head in the sand. Face your fears, your worries, your stresses, and let them go! Because in the end, burying your head in the sand is suffocating and you have to come up for air sometime. And whatever was there when you buried your head, will still be there waiting for you...