Charlotte

I used to blog...a lot. And I think a few people even read them. And then I stopped. Life got in the way. Work. Kids. Seizures. Grief. Whatever. There are lots of excuses, but I think if I were being perfectly honest with myself it would come down to fear. I shared a lot of personal things on my last blog. I was losing weight and doing great and being successful. And fear got in my way. Fear of what? I don't know. Success? Failure? Fame? Revealing too much? Not revealing enough? What if someone I didn't want seeing my blog saw it? What if I actually met my goals? What if I didn't? What if Amelia or Emerson stumble onto my blog in 25 years...30 years and wonder, "Mom! Why did you post THAT on the internet for all to see?" Seriously...the things that keep me awake at night. Ha! So, I stopped blogging. And I'll admit that I miss it! I also miss the success I was seeing with my weight loss. I'm struggling. Horribly! I've gained lots back...maybe more. Work is stress. Home is stress. October is stress. There is too much to do everywhere and not enough time to do them in. I'm still not driving. I'm still dependent (somewhat) on others. I'm still in denial about things I should be confronting face on. So...it's 9:00 p.m. I have two sick babies in bed right now with the very real possibility that I will be missing work tomorrow so I'm blogging. Under a new blog... I got the idea for the blog a few weeks ago. Many of you (if there are even any of you reading this...) know that my daughter is brilliant and she comes up with the best quips and stories! Well, EVERY night as I put her to bed, I turn out the light and say "good night" and then I turn to walk down the hallway. Any inevitably, Amelia says, "But...just one more thing, mommy..." and in that six word statement, I learn something profound, or my heart melts away the stress of the day, or I have a story to share with friends and co-workers the next day. So about three weeks ago I'm listening to Amelia go on and on about how she couldn't possibly go to sleep until she shared with me just one more thing. I smile and fold my arms and lean against the door frame and say, "OK, Amelia...just one more thing." And thirty minutes later I'm standing there telling her it's time to go to sleep. But honestly, my heart leaps in joy as I hear her little voice tell me there's just one more thing, one more chance to hear my little girl's voice, in all of her youth and innocence and wisdom. I get one more parting piece of advice from my oldest baby. So, I'm turning her one more thing each night into a reflection here on my blog post. Not about a new me, like my last blog. Not about reinventing myself, but about assimilating into the life that I have, the life that I love. So, tonight's reflection from Miss Amelia: Mommy, just one more thing...did you know that there's a spider in the window of our front door? And did you know that I was really scared of her, but that I stood and watched her after school today for a while and she really is a beautiful thing? She works so hard making her web. She puts so much time into it. And it is such a wonderful web! And that's why I love her. I'm going to name her Charlotte. And I will love her forever. Well, as long as she stays on the other side of that glass because if she comes inside, I'll have to get you to squash her. And as she was talking, and I was holding back my urge to chuckle, I thought about that spider and how it could be a metaphor for life. Life is beautiful. There are amazing things that happen around us every day, but as life gets scary, the urge to squash it gets stronger. Her fear of a spider was erased as long as she knew there was something between her and that spider. The fear that grips me about life sometimes is also erased when I think about the things between me and the scary things: work, my kids, my friends, my family...maybe it's corny, but after I left her room after our final good nights, I went and stood in the entry way of my house and saw the spider she was talking about. Charlotte is beautiful! She has built a magnificent web in the window by the door. The details in the web are amazing. Watching her work and spin and move was fascinating. And then the image of the glass being gone flashed in my mind and I could no longer watch Charlotte doing her work. I turned off the lights and headed for bed, and the Just One More Thing, Mommy blog was born. So, I don't know who will read this. I don't know if anyone will care to know the details of the topics my daughter and I discuss. And yes, I will most likely have some corny connection to life, my life. So, I will post and I will link and I will type. And hopefully, I will also heal and lose weight and become a better person, all with the click of a keyboard. I am on a quest to find healing and peace and closure and all the things that I think we're all searching for in life. And if you want to join me on that journey, I welcome you. Because I think we all know what it's like to have just one more thing to say...one more point to make...one more moment to pause. And as a grand champion of talking someone's ear off, this is my "just one more thing..."