Stronger!

Today is a significant date in our lives...three years ago today my husband died. And for these past three years, this day has been burned into my mind and my heart. October became a month that brought fear and panic into my heart. Last year I hit October and I honestly can't tell you when I recovered. This year, starting in the middle of August, I began to panic that October was coming and I was beginning the spiral downward into despair and heartache and pain and panic. I tried hard to tell myself that it was only a month. I tried hard to tell myself that all would be fine and there was nothing to worry about. I tried hard to convince myself that I would just turn the calendar like nothing happened. I also apparently told myself that Halloween themed hair flair would make it all better because I'm fairly certain that my girls could wear a different bow or headband or ribbon the entire month and still not wear all that I purchased for them. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love pumpkins and leaves and the crisp air and football and the changing of the season and all that goes with it, but the events of 2010 changed that for me a bit. Fall became the season that I dreaded the most because of the painful memories that October brought with it. And this year started no different. October 1st hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wasn't sure how I was going to pull myself out of it. And every day after that I could feel myself slipping away a little at time. And then, something happened in our household that changed my tune. I'm not willing to go into details about it at this time, and I don't know if I ever will go into it, but my girls and I shared a struggle in our home over the last few weeks that started to better define my feelings about this month. And then I knew October 18th was just around the corner. And through what I would say is nothing short of the hand of God, a plan fell into place for dealing with the 18th. My girls and I shared an experience tonight that has completely changed us...for the better. We prayed and bonded and made it so our home feels like a home again, a place where we can live in peace and be happy and healthy and unafraid to take the world on together. Several times tonight, Amelia has looked at me and said, "Mommy, I'm so glad we did this! I am so happy now!" and she is 1000% right! Our house is happy! My girls are happy! I am happy! The tears I cried today were not the tears of heartache and pain and bitterness and anger. They were tears of joy and hope and relief that we are a family. We are a close family of three and we are incredibly happy together! I walked through my house tonight and for the first time in a long time, I could see our house as a home. A place where my girls and I will be happy together for many years to come. A place where we are safe and sound. A place to host friends and family and be able to thrive and grow together. October 18th came, and October 18th went...and we have survived and have come through on the other side even stronger. Life is full of possibilities for all of us! And the euphoria I feel could not be explained if I tried! I am the mother to two beautiful, amazing, resilient little girls. And how lucky I am! Our one more thing mommy moment tonight came as I was tucking Amelia and Emerson into MY bed. Amelia squeezed my neck tightly and said, "Mommy...I am SO blessed!! I have the best mommy in the world and the best little sister in the world and I could not be more happy than I am right now in this moment! I thank God for giving me this life." And then, for the first time in a LONG time, both of my girls drifted off to sleep in less than a minute. As I stood over them smiling and thinking about the past three years, my heart bursts with pride. Emerson has never known a time without turmoil and strife. And Amelia has been through so much being that she was three when Brian died that I worry about her a lot. But, tonight? That is all erased...we are thriving and moving forward! As corny as this sounds, today is the first day of the rest of our lives! We have the power to change what our future holds, and the three of us took a HUGE step towards doing that together today! No longer will October have it's power over me and my daughters. No more will we be stuck in a pattern of grief and pain. For we have taken a huge leap into our future. We took our future into our hands and I am thrilled with where we are headed. This house is blessed and sealed. No negative energy lives here now. Praise God for getting us through this! Thank God for walking us into the light! What an amazing future we have!! I can't wait to see what's in store for the Duncan girls! Throughout the past three years, many people have told me how strong I am and I have not believed them. I couldn't see how anyone would think that! Through my tears and pain and heartache and reeling and...But tonight? I am indeed strong! I know I am stong! I look back on what we've been through and I am amazed at the strength and resiliency of my little girls. And I feel strong and empowered and simply amazing! I, Tamara Duncan, am strong! And I hope and pray each day that my girls can be strong in their lifetimes too! They have been so strong and so brave over our short time together so far. And the events of tonight, watching them and seeing them grow and join together, I know that they will be just fine! Because if they can survive their father passing, and their mother trying to navigate through the grief process all while still just being babies, then they can do anything! And Amelia is so right...for I am blessed also! I have the best daughters in the world, and an amazing support system! We are here to take on the world!