Never-Ending Story...

A few weeks ago, you may remember a post I wrote called "The End is Near." I wrote about how I was hot stuff and going to finish my Couch to 5K app that week and then "Oh no, what would I do next?!" Remember that? If not, you could always go back and read it now!

Well, here it is a few weeks later. A real-life 5K later. A second real-life 5K coming soon. And this happened today:

I did it! I finished the Couch to 5K app! Now it's back to Days of our Lives and Doughnuts, right? (I've never watched a soap opera in my life, by the way. I just liked the alliteration.) WRONG! My blog post a few weeks ago was not accurate. This is not the end. I am not done. I don't even really like the term 5K finisher. I'm not finished! I'll never be finished! I'm a beautiful, Godly work in progress. 

This maybe hit me like a ton of bricks just last week as I was walking around my campus on my lunch break. I wasn't the only teacher walking that day. Across campus I could see others. Skinnier, healthier, beautiful women walking on their lunch breaks also. And it hit me. Diet and exercise and health is a never-ending story. You're never done. I could be at goal weight and running marathons and I still wouldn't be done.

This isn't the first time that this thought has crossed my head. Not even close! The difference? Last time I would have quit. I would have thrown in the towel and said "It's not worth it! I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I don't want to weigh my food and measure how many corn flakes I get. I don't want to look at food and see a point value. I don't want to choose the apple over the brownie. I don't want to run for the rest of my life!" But that is not the message that is filling my head this time.

I DO want to keep this going! I DO want to be here to watch Amelia and Emerson graduate, go to college, have successful careers. I want to watch them get married and play with my grand babies. And me being alive and healthy has a lot to do with following through on those dreams. I need to keep going and more importantly I WANT to keep going. 

The same is true in my spiritual journey. It has been a painful growth process to get to where I am today. I have had to go through a lot of ups and downs to get to the point where I am at now. Where I can stand in the middle of this beautiful world with my arms and my head raised high and know that I am a blessed, loved daughter of the King. His creation! And I have a purpose in His kingdom. 

I have come a long ways. But that is also a never-ending story. The moments that are filled with demonic presence are terrifying at times. The visions that I see and the voices I hear fill my ears and my heart and I panic and am afraid...for a second. And then I know that I have an all-powerful, omniscient, omnipotent Heavenly Father walking with me, fighting those battles for me, winning victory on the cross many years ago for these moments right here. And the fear is gone and my strength is back and before I know it, my authority comes into play and those demons are toast. And I celebrate because it's over? For a little bit...and then I know that I ready my Armor of God and get prepared for the next attack. It's a never-ending story. Satan and his minions work very hard to throw me off track, to confuse me, to suck the wind out of my sails. So I keep my eyes on Father God, my heart on His word, and my head resting in His loving arms.

Faith and health: two never-ending stories. Two opportunities for growth and maturity. Two chances to make myself better. Two times when I will rest in His arms when I reach a milestone, and then pick up my armor to continue to fight on. It's not over. It's a process. A journey. And I am blessed to be right on course for both of them. 

I Will Try to Fix You...

I've always been a fixer. I work very hard with everything I do to fix things. Broken toys. Broken hearts. Broken trust. Just broken...I work very hard to read people and plan ahead and anticipate their needs. I overthink situations and try to figure out ways to make everyone ok. To make sure that everyone is happy and people are kind and good and everything is going the way it is supposed to. I feel like this is something that I have done since I was a very little girl. I try to fix things. To make them better. To make people happy. 

At what expense?

There are certain life moments that I think come around to define the direction a life might take. Certain moments where the world stops spinning and time stops if even for a second and you learn a lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I believe that I had the beginning of one of these moments yesterday. 

My friend and I have been talking a lot about meaning of life type stuff. Praying and faith and forgiveness and God and our future. This past week, I have been bombarded with devotionals and images and short stories and prayers that have to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is an important step in being done. In moving forward from something. In giving something that happened less power and less control than it should have. I took all of these reminders as a sign that something or someone was supposed to be forgiven. But what? There were obvious answers. People that have wronged me over life. People that were no longer welcome in my present but had left their ugly mark on my past. But going through the list I felt like I had forgiven those people. She suggested that perhaps the person I needed to forgive was me. 

My friend invited me to write a prayer out about it. That prayer needed to happen and I needed to write it out. So I silently sat in a room and began writing out my prayer. As ink flowed onto the paper I slowly realized that it was me. I hadn't forgiven myself. For a lot of things. I carried blame for a lot of things. Not that I had done anything wrong. But that I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't fix people. I couldn't fix myself. 

That realization also came with other thoughts and feelings. I don't like myself. In not forgiving myself, I had lost all confidence in my abilities. I wasn't worthy of anything because I was in situation after situation that was a disaster and I couldn't fix any of it. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my husband. I couldn't save my niece or my daughter. I failed a whole line of people. I couldn't fix any of it. And I couldn't forgive myself for any of that. 

And now I'm on this new journey.  Life is not crazy and is so good. I'm down fifty pounds and I'm running and getting healthy. And like a ton of bricks I admitted that I was scared. What if I got to the end of this journey and I still didn't like who I was? What if being at goal weight and being able to run further than I ever had before wasn't enough? What if I could never fix myself? 

For the last week, there have been several instances where I have heard Coldplay's song called "Fix You." I have written about songs a lot before. I don't feel like I've heard this song before this week but it's been out there, filling my ears often this week. I was watching a video a friend posted right before I was given this blog to write and that song came on. I stopped what I was doing to simply listen to the song and focus on the lyrics and as I was listening, the voice that I have come to trust and love whispered into my ear and told me that this was His song to me, except He wasn't simply going to "try to fix me" but that he was going to fix me. With certainty. My prayer that I wrote out last night, along with the combined prayer from my friend ignited the fire that I needed to know that I can't fix anything. I can't fix Brian. I can't go back and fix the bad things that have happened. I can't fix my own broken, bleeding heart. But I can pray. I can pray alone, but even bigger I can pray with friends and family and my kids. And I can trust that God will fix me. I will be fixed and whole and love myself again. But I can't do those things without Him. 

The lyrics of the song say: 

"Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you"

His light ignited my heart and my soul and my bones last night as I sat with my hands clasped in prayer with my friend. He showed me, with this song, that He is listening and drying my tears and walking me through this. And this blog, given to me just a short ten minutes ago, is His way of showing me that He is working to "fix me." That with love and hope and peace, a whole lotta friendship, a bunch of prayer, and a little bit of faith, He will fix me. And peace! Peace which passes all understanding because I don't have to worry about fixing anyone or anything. Not even myself. I can't fix anything. I can only have faith, trust Him, stay fervent in prayer, and just know that it is well! I only need to be still and know that His light will guide me home. And that home will include being comfortable in my own skin. That home is knowing that it's not up to me to fix anyone or anything. That home is knowing He will dry my tears and provide everything that I need. Lights will guide me home. Both to my Father's arms, and to my friends and family that will be there to pray with me and for me. 

You can't fix it. I hope you don't spend as

much time in blame and shame as I have thinking you can make it better, and that you know that God will walk you through this. He's Mr. Fix-It. He'll get the job done to perfection! Trust Him! He will fix you...

The End is Near...

When I started this little Couch to 5K adventure about fifteen weeks ago, I never would have guessed that I would actually make progress. That I would actually stick with it. That I would complete what I had started. And yet, this morning I started Week 8 of the app. A five minute warmup walk, a twenty-eight minute run, and a five minute cool down walk. Twenty-eight minutes! I never would have imagined that I would make it to running for twenty-eight minutes straight. And for those of you that are wondering, that is running almost a mile and a half to two miles straight without stopping. 

Many of my readers have read several of my blog posts and know that mostly these runs are anxiety producing for me. Until last week. No anxiety. No fear. No whining and complaining. Someone asked me yesterday when do you get to the point where you enjoy it. That made me smile because I never thought I would enjoy running. Me? Obese, out of shape me? Enjoy running? Well, it's happened! I started enjoying running when I hit running five minutes solid. Not because I was enjoying running, but because I was enjoying the accomplishment of running. But last week I can honestly say that I hit a point where I enjoy running. 

When I first started this process, it was anxiety. Fears. Tears. Panic. Knowing I could never make it to the end. Pain everywhere. Not being able to breathe. Wanting to quit with every fiber of my being. And start of last week? It was feeling my powerful legs kicking through each step. It was feeling my arms pumping in rhythm with every run motion. It was controlled, steady breathing. It was feeling my heart beat wildly with anticipation. It was focus and determination and knowing that my hard work was paying off. I am a runner. I love running. And although I'm grateful for the days that I take a break from running, there is even a twinge of sadness at the notion that it's not a run day. I am loving who I'm becoming. My weeks of running and building endurance and training have led me to this moment. I am two runs, two workouts away from completing the Couch to 5K app. And I am excited about meeting this goal. But then what?

The end is near. And then what happens? I don't stop running. I know that much. Celebrate? Maybe get some cake! There's a piece of me that is apprehensive to get to the end. That's worried about coming to the finality of not having the app anymore. Several plans have run through my head. I could start the app over and increase my speed. Or I could download the Couch to 10K program and keep going for longer distances. I'm not sure what is going to happen. I assume I'll figure it out once I reach that point. Over the next two days I increase to running thirty minutes and then thirty-five minutes to finish it out. I feel like I will most likely need to repeat this week a time or two to get it right. And I have faith that when I reach that endpoint I'll know exactly where I'm supposed to go from here. 

Just like my faith! The end is near...No, I'm not a doomsday-er. I don't look for signs and try to predict when our Saviour is coming back. But I know there will be an end. And unlike the apprehension of my app ending, I'm not worried about the ending of the world. I know exactly where I'll end up with this one. Jesus died to forgive our sins. He blessed us poor, miserable sinners with his life, and in turn with forgiveness and the opportunity to live for eternity with our Lord at the time when the world ends. He loved us that much! There's a plan for the end. And I will be living with my fellow believers and my Jesus! No workout necessary. No strict training regiment. No gym dues or blood, sweat, and tears on my part. Just blind faith! Just knowing that He has saved me from my sins and I get to spend eternity by His side! Just knowing that my faith in Him and His love for me is all I need!

The end is near! And my faith in God and my belief in Jesus's sacrifice for me will carry me through the ending and into the next phase of God's plan for me. Whether that is the end of my 5K app, or the end of the world! My path has been determined. And I am thankful that I get to hold my Savior's hand and follow where He leads. The end is near...but will soon be followed by glorious new beginnings! Amen!

Worst Case Scenario...

There are several pieces of me that are really good at coming up with worst case scenarios. There's the anxiety side that generates wild stories like during the time I lost Amelia in the crowd for a while at Seahawks Training Camp. She had started walking down towards the fence to get player autographs and I blinked for a second and I couldn't see her anymore. My eyes wildly searched the massive crowd of children below while I ran over to my friend to help me search. I walked up and down the crowd of people, my heart racing, and I began to cry, visualizing someone running down the hill with her or seeing her being crushed and trampled under the feet of the crowd. I was near hysterics when I looked up and saw her crooked little grin pushing through the crowd, holding her football and beaming, "Mom! I got Ricardo Lockette's autograph." When she saw I was crying and asked what was wrong I just hugged her and cried some more. She pulled away and side-eyed me and said, "Mommy! Seriously? I was just getting autographs!"

There's the post-traumatic stress disorder side of my that can also conjure up some wild, unsettling images. Smelling a certain cologne can make my heart race. Seeing a certain car makes it hard to breathe. Specific dates and times can make me fly into a panic attack. Worst case scenarios fly all over the place. 

So, why can't I use those talents for good? What does that mean? Well, I got the idea for this blog on my run today. Well, technically before my run today. I clicked on my running app and it wouldn't open. My first thought was panic. Oh no! What am I going to do? Emerson asked me what was wrong and I told her my app wouldn't open. Amelia grinned and said "Oh good! You don't have to run!" But I turned my phone off and opened the blinds in my room to give it time. And then I heard a voice. "You were worried! You want to run. Maybe you even like it?!" 

This voice made me stop and think about my last run. Remember my last run? It was terrible. I stopped twice in the middle of a twenty minute run and couldn't make it all the way through. I realized that on top of all the other changes I had made to my routine that day, I also didn't start with my usual prayer time before. This morning I did...and then I began my run. And this blog post flooded into my head. 

Worst case scenario. I've written often about my anxiety with running. And the tricks I've used to get around that anxiety. So, why am I so anxious? What's the worst that could happen? What's the worst case scenario? 

Worst case scenario: I'm still trying! I'm still moving! I'm still lapping everyone that's on the couch. 

Worst case scenario: I get exercise in no matter how far or how fast I walk or run. 

Worst case scenario: I pause my workout to breathe and learn that I can take care of myself and check in to make sure I'm feeling ok and still run for twenty minutes. Even if it's not twenty minutes straight.

Worst case scenario: My kids are seeing what their momma is capable of doing and they are seeing that they can exercise and be healthy too!

Those worst case scenarios are so much better than the anxiety-fueled ones. I can see the positive twist and I am proud of what I've accomplished. And that little voice was right! I panicked that I wouldn't be able to run! Not that I couldn't run without my app (that's another blog post for another day!) but I did panic that I couldn't run. I do enjoy it. I like how I feel when I'm running. I also really like how I feel when I'm done running!

I'm slowly learning not to live in the worst case scenarios. Father God walks with me, and runs with me, along this journey called life. He is always with me, and always with my children, and I need to have faith that He has us in the palm of His hand. He carries us through the bad runs and the lost in the crowd moments and He will care for us. I have faith that we don't need to worry about the worst case scenario because He's got this! He's got us! And when God is on our side, there is only a best case scenario in our future! Thank you, Father!!

Generalization...

One very important, but also frequently missed step, of communication therapy is generalization. Generalization, or carry-over, is the step towards the end of a course of treatment where you target the skills that you are working on OUTSIDE of the therapy room. For example, if I'm working on /r/ sounds with a kid, and they are close to mastery in the speech room, I will go observe them in the classroom, follow them to recess, and eat lunch with them to see if they are maintaining their skills in other locations of the school. It is still amazing to me that when I forget this step, or don't target it as heavily as I should, the student will say the sound perfectly in my room, but I can hear them saying it incorrectly as soon as they leave to walk down the hallway. Generalization is a very important step in the therapy process. It does the student no good to have mastery at 90% in conversational speech level with /r/ in the therapy room, but plummet to 20% accuracy in single words in the classroom setting. 

So, it's beyond me why I wouldn't have thought of generalization of my running patterns into other levels. I had this realization this morning as I crashed and burned during a twenty minute run. I've done the twenty minute run four times already, very successfully I might add. It wasn't easy but I was successful at it. Today? Not so much. I had to pause my workout twice. I still finished...still ran every second of those twenty minutes. I just didn't feel as strong as I usually do, and wasn't able to run the solid time. So disappointing. 

So, what was different? Why did I struggle? Sometimes you just have an off day. Sometimes you just have a bad run. My analysis? I haven't worked on generalization! Same time. Same pattern. Same outfit. Same music. Same everything. Until this morning. 

We're on spring break. I wanted to sleep in. I didn't want to get up at 6:00 a.m. and run like I usually do. So we laid in bed together and laughed and played and checked phones. I texted my friend and told her the last thing I wanted to do was run. So super positive start. And then I got out of bed around 9:00 to get ready for my run. My hair wouldn't stay in the pony tail just right and I hate hair touching my face when I run. I picked different pants and noticed they were sliding up my leg while I was running. I couldn't find my usual socks but the red socks with stars on them would do fine. How about I try a different album to listen to? Oh, and I might as well increase my speed. It was too much too fast I think. I didn't generalize my running skills to other scenarios. My groove was off. My mind was anywhere but on my running and I ended up having to stop. Twice. So disappointing. But important information for me to think about, especially since in two weeks I won't even be running on my treadmill but through the streets of Renton. 

But is all of that important to my run? It might be. It is in my head. The outfit. The songs. The treadmill. The pace. They are all familiar. I have learned that I am a runner through all of those things, with all of those rituals. But am I still a runner without them? Yes! I am! I am still a runner! And even with taking two breaks in the twenty minutes I am still a runner. I'm a more comfortable runner when I have the things that I need, or think that I need, but even without I am still a strong, beautiful, powerful running machine. 

The same is true for our faith life. There are rituals and frills and things that we do every Sunday or in every interaction with our Father that draw us closer to Him. Fancy dresses. Pretty hats. Same pew every Sunday. Certain songs. Communion. Only with certain pastors.  Bible verses we look to. But, what if things are different? What if the organist is absent that Sunday and we have a different organist. Or what if you're late and miss the opening hymn? What if you are helping your five-year-old get out of the car and her boot tears a whole in your nylons? What if a friend invites you to their church? Does it all fall apart? Do you lose your groove? Should you throw in the towel and just go home? Forget about your faith and abandon everything you hold dear in your heart?

No! Just as I kept running even though I had to stop, you can't let earthly rituals throw your faith off track. The frills? The songs? The pastor? Those are of man, not the core of your worship. Father God is the core. Jesus is the core. Holy Spirit is the core. All the rest is just extra bells and whistles to help you focus on the most important part. 

Kinda like my runs. The outfit and the songs and the treadmill are all extras. The core? Running! Getting healthy! Putting one foot in front of the other! But, you also need to remember to generalize. Be prepared to run (or have faith!) in situations that you are not comfortable in. 

God is growing me in my running. And He is growing me in my faith! I won't be thrown off track because things are different, or feel weird, or don't make sense. I will carry on, run through the different, and generalize my skills to other areas. I will power on, and continue training, for the 5Ks I will encounter, and for the good news of my Jesus that I'm to spread to others and the spiritual warfare He is preparing me for. I'll get my groove back, and keep it for good!  And then have the opportunity to share with others and teach them what I've earned! Amen!