At what expense?
There are certain life moments that I think come around to define the direction a life might take. Certain moments where the world stops spinning and time stops if even for a second and you learn a lesson that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. I believe that I had the beginning of one of these moments yesterday.
My friend and I have been talking a lot about meaning of life type stuff. Praying and faith and forgiveness and God and our future. This past week, I have been bombarded with devotionals and images and short stories and prayers that have to do with forgiveness. Forgiveness is an important step in being done. In moving forward from something. In giving something that happened less power and less control than it should have. I took all of these reminders as a sign that something or someone was supposed to be forgiven. But what? There were obvious answers. People that have wronged me over life. People that were no longer welcome in my present but had left their ugly mark on my past. But going through the list I felt like I had forgiven those people. She suggested that perhaps the person I needed to forgive was me.
My friend invited me to write a prayer out about it. That prayer needed to happen and I needed to write it out. So I silently sat in a room and began writing out my prayer. As ink flowed onto the paper I slowly realized that it was me. I hadn't forgiven myself. For a lot of things. I carried blame for a lot of things. Not that I had done anything wrong. But that I couldn't fix the situation. I couldn't fix people. I couldn't fix myself.
That realization also came with other thoughts and feelings. I don't like myself. In not forgiving myself, I had lost all confidence in my abilities. I wasn't worthy of anything because I was in situation after situation that was a disaster and I couldn't fix any of it. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't help my husband. I couldn't save my niece or my daughter. I failed a whole line of people. I couldn't fix any of it. And I couldn't forgive myself for any of that.
And now I'm on this new journey. Life is not crazy and is so good. I'm down fifty pounds and I'm running and getting healthy. And like a ton of bricks I admitted that I was scared. What if I got to the end of this journey and I still didn't like who I was? What if being at goal weight and being able to run further than I ever had before wasn't enough? What if I could never fix myself?
For the last week, there have been several instances where I have heard Coldplay's song called "Fix You." I have written about songs a lot before. I don't feel like I've heard this song before this week but it's been out there, filling my ears often this week. I was watching a video a friend posted right before I was given this blog to write and that song came on. I stopped what I was doing to simply listen to the song and focus on the lyrics and as I was listening, the voice that I have come to trust and love whispered into my ear and told me that this was His song to me, except He wasn't simply going to "try to fix me" but that he was going to fix me. With certainty. My prayer that I wrote out last night, along with the combined prayer from my friend ignited the fire that I needed to know that I can't fix anything. I can't fix Brian. I can't go back and fix the bad things that have happened. I can't fix my own broken, bleeding heart. But I can pray. I can pray alone, but even bigger I can pray with friends and family and my kids. And I can trust that God will fix me. I will be fixed and whole and love myself again. But I can't do those things without Him.
The lyrics of the song say:
"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you"
His light ignited my heart and my soul and my bones last night as I sat with my hands clasped in prayer with my friend. He showed me, with this song, that He is listening and drying my tears and walking me through this. And this blog, given to me just a short ten minutes ago, is His way of showing me that He is working to "fix me." That with love and hope and peace, a whole lotta friendship, a bunch of prayer, and a little bit of faith, He will fix me. And peace! Peace which passes all understanding because I don't have to worry about fixing anyone or anything. Not even myself. I can't fix anything. I can only have faith, trust Him, stay fervent in prayer, and just know that it is well! I only need to be still and know that His light will guide me home. And that home will include being comfortable in my own skin. That home is knowing that it's not up to me to fix anyone or anything. That home is knowing He will dry my tears and provide everything that I need. Lights will guide me home. Both to my Father's arms, and to my friends and family that will be there to pray with me and for me.
You can't fix it. I hope you don't spend as
much time in blame and shame as I have thinking you can make it better, and that you know that God will walk you through this. He's Mr. Fix-It. He'll get the job done to perfection! Trust Him! He will fix you...
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