Fight or Flight...

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future..." Proverbs 32:25

A few blog posts ago I wrote about light bulbs and the suicide of Chester Bennington, the late lead singer of Linkin Park, who killed himself. His wife recently posted a video of him during family game night. He was playing a game with his wife and children and laughing and having the best time. There was no sign anywhere in the video snippet that would indicate he was going to hang himself just a short time later. There is now an internet campaign where people who are depressed are showing photos of themselves with the caption "This is what depression looks like". The images that follow are "normal" people. Smiling faces. People having fun with friends. People doing what they love. Some admit they are diagnosed with depression. Some are photos other people have submitted of loved ones that followed through with suicide. The message is you can't just look at a person and know whether they are depressed or not. The same is true for people with anxiety. 

I am not diagnosed with anxiety. But I have it. I fret and worry and turn things over and over in my mind a thousand times. I don't take meds, but sometimes I wonder if I should. And I do my best to hide the fact that I worry about everything. 

The speech department had a training on Friday. I showed them a video called "Why Leaders Eat Last." It's a presentation by Simon Sinek. If you've never watched it, I highly recommend it! Towards the end of the video he talks about cortisol and fight or flight mode. And how that stress is killing us. For me, I have been stuck in fight or flight mode for so long, it has rewired my brain. The stress over the years has caused my brain to rewire itself into having a part that triggers seizures. Being stuck in fight or flight is dangerous, and I have experienced this first hand. 

For the longest time, I would fight. I would try and take control and fight my way through my days. I fought my attackers when I was assaulted. I fought through the days when Brian caused our family to implode. I fought through tears and heartache and pain. I fought...

But then I got tired of fighting. And I moved to flight mode. I ran away. I pulled my girls out of school one day and ran away. I would sit in my office at work and feel the tension building until I couldn't stand it any longer. I'd walk over to Diane and Kathy P in the office and ask them to sign me out for the afternoon and submit leave and I would run away. I would push away all of my friends and family and crawl into a hole and drag everything in behind me. And I've been sort of stuck there for a while. 

Recently, I started kickboxing, as an exercise alternative for myself. It looked fun, so I tried it. It was amazing. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally and spiritually as well. Every class, I fight back the urge to burst into tears and start bawling in front of everyone. As I'm punching and kicking the bag, I am laying everything running through my head on the floor of that gym. Last week, as I was choking back sobs in the fourth round, Heavenly Father asked me why I always revert back to the flight. Why is my first instinct to run? As I mulled this over in my head, I realized my purpose for walking into that studio. I was in training. For myself. But also for Father God. He didn't want me to run away. He didn't want me in flight mode. But did He really want me to fight? Was He training me to fight?

Not at all. He doesn't want me stuck in anxiety. He doesn't want my life to be about either fighting and flying. He wants me to rely on Him. He wants me to trust and have faith and give it to Him. Which, when I'm sweaty and exhausted and don't think I can go another minute in kickboxing, the tears brim and I know I can keep going. 

The Bible tells me everything I need to know about my anxiety and how to cope:

FIGHT: Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." He doesn't want ME to fight. He wants me to know that HE will fight. He will take care of everything for me. I need to close my eyes, be still, and know that He has got me in the palm of His hands. He will fight. I don't have to.

FLIGHT: Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." God will help me fly! Not fly away like I would like to, but fly with strength and dignity. He will give me the strength to face what I need to face. He will be with me every step of the way, helping me through it all. 

So as we enter October in just a couple hours, and as I face the painful memories of so many things: Tom's birthday, the destruction of my family, Clay's brain tumor diagnosis, Brian's suicide...I turn to the fight or flight versions of my Heavenly Father. He has a plan. He has the path set for my journey. He knows where I'm headed. He sees me at my worst and helps me to become my best. He is inserting the message in my mess. He is going to build the testimony out of my test. We are stronger everyday in faith and love and hope and peace. And with God's fight and flight plan, we will continue to recover, continue to grow in faith, and continue to soar! I laugh without fear of the future because my God is awesome, and I put all my faith in Him.

What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger...

Last Wednesday I decided to sign up for a 45-day body transformation challenge at my kickboxing studio. It's a chance to win $20,000 based off of your body changes. Not necessarily weight loss, but other factors play in too. When I signed up I didn't really sign up thinking I would win $20,000. I signed up excited with the anticipation of having a motivator for getting back on track with my eating habits and exercise routines. I did my measurements. Went to weigh in. Took side, front, and back pictures. Went and did a body composition test. And went to bed that evening with my heart filled with hope and excitement and motivation for starting another chapter of health and fitness. 

In joining the challenge we were also added to two separate Facebook groups for support: the national challenge page and the Silverdale challenge page. Yesterday, a woman posted a rant on the national page. She was upset that she had joined the challenge and that she was a part of the groups because seeing everyone else's posts, she determined that there was no way she would be able to win the $20,000 and was discouraged and not wanting to continue. 

I posted a gentle response to her rant in the comments. I told her that I looked at the $20,000 prize as a bonus. If I won the money, it would make this challenge that much sweeter. But in my head, I had already won! Wednesday I joined the challenge. Thursday I got an email telling me there was a tumor on my kidney. Typically, being an emotional eater, news like that would have devasted me and I would have immediately started stuffing my face with everything in sight. This time? I threw myself into menu planning and meal preparation. I made it a point to exercise Monday through Friday. I have accomplished so much in the week since we started. I've learned a lot about myself and about where my head is. And I'm becoming stronger everyday - physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

This morning was my follow up appointment with my doctor. It was a relief in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about!  It was also a stress in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about. Everything that I have read about this tumor, although typically benign, doesn't point to the nothing to worry about part of the scale. Mind you, I don't WANT there to be something wrong. But I also don't want to miss something that might be wrong. Part of this is wanting to be informed and wanting to be in control of medical decisions for myself. Part of this is wanting to do everything to ensure that I live a long and healthy life as the sole provider remaining for my children. Part of this is that I am skeptical of doctors and what they say. I have lost so many important people to so many tragic health concerns. So many missed things. So many mistakes. I don't want to be a missed thing or a mistake. I left my appointment relieved that there was nothing to worry about. But also plagued by the "what ifs?" I could feel my anxiety growing. My thoughts racing. My mind going to the what ifs. 

As I lamented and processed out loud with my prayer partner, I finally got to a point where I'm declared, "I guess I just have to let it go and trust that my doctor knows what he's doing." She gently smiled at me and said, "No, you don't trust your doctor. You trust God!" She couldn't have been more right. 

Too often, I try and fix things myself. Too often, I wrack my brain and try to come up with a solution that I want, a solution that I need. Sitting in my truck after the appointment, I brainstormed scenario after scenario. Should I let it go? Should I get a second opinion? Am I putting too much worry into this tumor? What if I never feel ok again? What if he's wrong and it is something to worry about?

It's not...

Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I know that sometimes this is easier said than done. But in my growth in my faith, I have learned to do better at giving it all up to Him. He takes care of all of us and loves each of us so very much. He is in control of my life path. So I think back to Saturday when I first shared my news and asked for prayers. The first prayer I asked for was for His will to be done. Not mine. Worry is a part of my will. Worry is a part of the plan that I have for me. It is not God's will. He has a plan. He knows my comings and my goings. He is in charge, and I will lay it all before His throne and give it all to Him. Hope in the storm. No worries. Only peace that passes all understanding. 

I still have a tumor. It's in there. And I can think of five hundred scenarios that cause me grief and worry. But that is not His will. 

So, my prayers have not changed at this point. I ask that you pray that His will be done. I ask that you pray that I let this go and give it to Him for it is His problem to handle. I ask that you offer up healing prayers for my gall bladder. There are more tests to be done for that, including a scope procedure and possible surgery. I ask that you pray for the tumor to be healed and removed from my right kidney. Pray for me and my children to have strength and peace and hope and faith and love through this journey. Pray for His will. 

I am humbled and honored to be a servant of God. I am so blessed to be carried in His loving arms. I am so amazed at the power and glory of our Heavenly Father. And I am so thankful that He is forgiving and offers us His grace. 

I will continue the 45-day challenge. I will continue to push through the days with my workouts, even when I don't feel like I can. I will make good food choices.  I will work on getting stronger and healthier. I will compete, because the prize is already mine! I have been blessed with amazing friends and family. I have been blessed with a strong mind and body. I have been blessed with this tumor! For because of it, I have once again been renewed in my strength and in my hope in Him! There is always a blessing and a lesson to learn in every trial and tribulation. And mine are still being unveiled. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...Stronger in faith. Stronger in hope. Stronger in the Lord!

Do Better...

The beginning of the school year was a little rough at the Duncan house. I really didn't want to go back. I did not listen to the experts and work on backing up bedtime to a decent time so we kinda went from partying all night to 8:30 bed time. The girls were super tired and cranky by the time I picked them up from child care at the end of their first day back. Sitting down to homework that night, Emerson forgot her assignment notebook at school. Amelia was checking her assignment notebook and couldn't find the worksheet for her English assignment. With tears in her eyes she declared that this was the worst start to the school year ever. The first day wasn't going how we had hoped. 

Every year after the first day of school we usually sit around and talk about how great things are going to be. We set goals for ourselves and discuss what we hope to accomplish. There were too many grumpy kids and tears for any sort of discussion to happen. Exhausted and already stressed out, I sighed and told them I was picking our family theme for the year without their input. Since day one seemed to already be falling into despair, I smiled at them and told them that our theme was going to be "Do better". 

They looked at me and asked what I meant by that. I told them that this day was a disaster. Forgotten homework and forgotten necessities and tears and anger and hurtful words - not the greatest start. But tomorrow was a new chance. Another day. We were going to focus not on being perfect. Instead we would focus on doing better. The tension immediately left the room as they agreed that that was a great theme for our family for the year. 

There is so much pressure to be the best. So much pressure to be perfect. So much pressure to get everything right. It's too much. And on days where there are five million things for everyone to do it's just too much. It's a lot to expect that we will always remember homework pages. We have so much to think about like making lunches and remembering to set out dinner. Packing dance bags and grabbing drum sets. Which day is library? Do I need PE shoes today? So we slip up. Amelia forgets a dance bag at home. Em grabs a gymnastics leotard that is too small. No reason to get upset. Just do better!

Last year was rough for me at work. I was working a 1.2 contract and was overloaded and overwhelmed. I missed some deadlines. Forgot to do some paperwork. Missed a session or two with kids. Do better!

I haven't been the best at eating healthy and exercising. I let some gluten slip by. I didn't count points. I stopped running and working out. I don't have to immediately shift into overdrive. Do better!

As corny and as cliche as this sounds, the email I received last week that rocked my world announcing a kidney tumor fits right into this plan. It has forced me to pause and think through things more carefully. What if this is the last thing I get to say to this person? What if this is my only chance to interact with that person? What if this is the last hug? The last email to her teacher? The last text to my bestie? My last prayer? The last conversation? The last time I can react to the car that just pulled in front of me? Our tomorrows are not guaranteed. This is true with or without a tumor. Live for today. Live for the gift of the minute you are in right now. 

Our family motto has always been Be Kind. We're adding Do Better as the next part also. Do better than you did today! Work better. Exercise better. Parent better. Teach better. Drive better. Play better. Live better!

2 Timothy 4:7 says, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith." It doesn't talk about winning. It talks about finishing. Do better. You don't have to be perfect. We don't have to remember everything always. We don't have to teach the best lessons every moment. We don't have to never mess up. We don't have to win at everything every day. We just have to do better. 

Do better! Have faith that God is in control and leading you through life. You only need to trust in His plan and do better! 

Be kind. Do better. 

I Want to Hold Your Hand...

James 5:16 Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much. 

I am a faithful person. I have grown throughout the years in my faith and belief. I have been strengthened in my prayer life and in my love and devotion to Father God. I know how important prayer is. I love being able to intercede and pray for other people. I love knowing that I have a direct line to our Heavenly Father to be able to pray for my friends and family and even strangers. When someone asks me to pray for them, my heart soars knowing that this is something I can do to help their situation. I can petition God on their behalf and raise them up in faith to our Father for His will to be done. 

I am not great at doing these things or experiencing these feelings on behalf of myself. I feel awkward asking for people to pray for me. I have a hard time letting the leader of our church prayer chain know when I need prayers for a situation. It is out of my comfort zone. Do I want people to pray for me? Absolutely! But I don't want to tell them that's what I need. It's very uncomfortable for me. 

But, I find myself sitting at my kitchen table today needing to suck it up and ask for prayers and intercession. I haven't been feeling well. Some people would say that this is a perpetual problem for me. But when you live with autoimmune diseases, this is a reality. Some days just functioning is hard. It takes all my effort and energy to simply pull myself out of bed and get going. You get used to the fatigue. You get used to smiling and telling people you're fine. You get used to the pain. Well, there was a symptom I have been having that I finally decided I just couldn't get used to anymore. Persistent nausea finally did me in. It was like I was pregnant again with morning sickness all day long. I finally had enough and went to Urgent Care. (I'm NOT pregnant, by the way...so get THAT out of your head!)

Explaining my symptoms he poked and pushed and prodded. He asked about pain and I told him I have pain on my upper right side that wraps around my back towards my kidney area. He nodded his head and told me I needed to see a surgeon. He suspected, especially since I've had attacks before, that this was my gall bladder. My mom had her gall bladder out. My grandma had her gall bladder out. I'm fat, female, and (almost) forty so I fit the profile to a T. I called the next day and made an appointment with the surgeon. After meeting with him two weeks later, he scheduled an ultrasound and a HIDA scan to look at things and see how things were working. 

My ultrasound was last Tuesday. My results were emailed to me Thursday. Which leads us to this plea for prayer and intercession. As I opened the email the first statement says that the ultrasound showed a normal abdominal ultrasound. The gall bladder looks fine and there is nothing wrong with the bile ducts. Relief washed over me! Yay! No gall bladder surgery maybe! Then I noticed the number two bullet point. Probable...was all I read. There were big long words with a lot of letters I didn't know for sure. I took a second to try and parse the words apart from my Latin classes at UW and only figured out it had somthing to do with blood vessels. I did a quick google search of the word and my heart stopped. Tumor. The big long letters spelled out that my ultrasound showed that I have a tumor on my right kidney. In stunned silence, I did some more quick reading, started writing questions I needed to ask my surgeon and took it to Father God with prayer. 

My first reaction was that I wasn't going to tell anyone. No one needed to know. Not a big deal. The more I read the more I learned. It is small right now, but it's a rapidly growing tumor. The problem with the tumor is that it is made primarily of blood vessels from the kidney. So, if the tumor grows too quickly or if I have any sort of trauma to my back or kidney area, the vessels could burst and I could hemorrhage. The next day I called the nurse that works with my surgeon and asked some more and learned some more. Typically the only treatment is surgery. 75% of the time, these tumors are in the right kidney. I'll probably need a CT scan of my kidney. I need to watch for blood in my urine. And we're moving forward with the gall bladder tests to ensure that it also isn't a problem before moving on to what the plan will be for the tumor. 

So, I am reaching out to my friends and family and prayer warriors and partners in faith, asking for prayer and intercession. It took some convincing from friends and family that I would need prayers and love and support. Because I don't really do this. I don't want people to know anything is wrong. Most people don't know I have seizures. Most people don't know I have autoimmune diseases that wreak havoc on my system. And if I didn't have some super passionate friends and family most people wouldn't know that I now have a kidney tumor. 

But here we are. And I'm asking for prayers. I'm asking for prayers first of all that God's will would be done. I know the outcome that I want, but God is the one in charge of my life. God knows my comings and my goings and He knows what is in store for me. So, first pray that His will be done. Then, pray for healing. Healing for my gall bladder. Healing of my nausea (that's the worst). Healing for my kidney. That the tumor would be removed completely and that there is no damage to my kidney. That God would give me the peace and the strength to walk through this journey wherever it may lead. That God would bless my children and give them peace and strength in this journey. I ask that you pray for my doctors and nurses and other medical staff to develop a plan that is pleasing to Father God and that would lead to complete healing. 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil." This news is a mild shock to me. Not what I expected. But I am not afraid. I have the most amazing high God on my side and there is nothing that can steal me from His presence. Not Satan. Not evil. Certainly not a measly little tumor. I am strong in the Lord! He has me cradled firmly in His strong, loving arms. He has already walked me through some tough stuff in my life. And this is no different! 

So, add me to your prayers, please! Add me to your church prayer chains. Share this blog post to your Facebook pages and let's take it to the Lord in prayer! He is mighty and loving and can do great things! 

The Bible says in Matthew 18:20 "For where two or more are gathered in my name, there I will be also." Thank you, prayer warriors, friends, and family for gathering in God's name and lifting me up in prayer. I appreciate you all and I thank you for holding my hand in prayer through this journey! More to learn about God and my faith and myself, I'm sure! 

God bless you all in your trials and journeys also! Let me know how I can reciprocate in prayer for you! For we can only make it through this life with the love and support of our Heavenly Father, and with hand holding and walking through this life with our brothers and sisters in Christ!

Letters to You...

This has been a long and busy weekend. I have had a headache for most of the day today and I am exhausted, ready to fall into bed with the girls after our Harry Potter chapter and spelling word study session is over. So, we angrily read about Professor Umbridge's new Educational Decree, read through Emerson's words of the week, and I kiss them goodnight and roll over staring into the darkness. I wait for the sound of their steady breathing as they quickly drift off to sleep. And then I wearily pull myself out of bed to start the chores of a single mom with two little girls who all have school and/or work tomorrow. Meal prep happened yesterday which made putting lunches together much easier than usual. Amelia is getting hot lunch. Emerson needs cold lunch and she also needs dinner. She has gymnastics and I have a board meeting which means Emerson will need to eat dinner in the car on her way to the gym with Pa. Ugh...I don't feel like I'm winning any mom of the year trophies here. Our schedules are so tightly packed sometimes I don't know how we're going to get it all fit in there. 

So, while standing over the peanut butter and jelly sandwich thinking about how life might flow better, my mom guilt kicks in. So busy at seven years old! I'll leave my house in the morning at 7:30 to head to my job and won't see my girl again until I pick her up at the gymnastics center at 8:00, just in time for a quick car snack, more Harry Potter, another dose of the spelling list and tuck them into bed to start it all over again. 

So, I tear off a napkin, grab a Sharpie, and scrawl out the following: I then immediately burst into tears. It seems so superficial. Conveying my love on a flimsy chunk of napkin. But then I also remember the tears in my eyes when I was little and would find a note in my lunchbox from my mama. It wasn't superficial to that little girl with the Laura Ingals braids. I loved them. Treasured them. I used to store them in my pencil box at school until I couldn't fit any more in. My mama loved me. She cared about me. She wanted me to think about her in the middle of the day. My tears tonight were a mixture of feeling sad and missing the days of summer when I could take care of my own kids rather than other people's kids but also a measure of immense love. As I read my note back to myself my love for Emerson filled my heart so full I thought it would burst! I love my daughters so very much. And the marker ink on that napkin couldn't even contain all of that love. 

What if God wrote us love notes? What if we opened our lunch boxes to find scrawled messages of love and pride from our Heavenly Father. "Tammy, I love you soooo much. You are my rock star! I am so proud of you! Love, Father God" Does that seem silly? Superficial? I don't think so. God doesn't exactly operate that way. He doesn't write us messages or words on a napkin. But, He does leave us love notes everywhere! When your eyes and ears are open to Him, you will soon see that God leaves us messages everywhere. I hear His voice when I am still and just sit in His presence. I see His love notes on the wings of the eagle as it soars over my property. The flowers that sway in the breeze are filled with words of pride for us. His voice whispers that He loves us in the swirling wind. I can hear His kindness and compassion in the giggles of my girls as they run and play together. I hear His forgiveness in the words of prayers from my prayer partner. God writes us love notes. And they are just as meaningful to me as that napkin note will be to Emerson tomorrow when she unzips her lunchbox. 

God loves us so! He's never too busy for us and He shows us how much He loves us in the everyday. His love notes are placed everywhere, just waiting for us to come upon them and realize that they are from Him. So, pause and be still and wait on the Lord! He is there, with messages of love and faith and hope and peace. Think about what His message to you would say! Insert your name into the note I scrawled above and picture it being YOUR message from God! 

God loves you soooo much! You are His rock star! And He is so proud of you!

Amen!

Children of the Sea...

They were my pride and joy. When I was first hired by the school district back in 2002, the first thing I purchased after signing my contract was my shiny red truck. A year later I purchased my babies: two white and maroon 2003 SeaDoo GTX 4-Tec jet skis. They were gorgeous. And they were mine. Everyone asked if I was sure I wanted to buy two of them. I was sure. One for me and one for my friends. I didn't want to go alone, but I didn't want to share either. We hauled those things everywhere. Seabeck. Lion's Field. Several locations along the Columbia River. Mossyrock. Eastern Washington. They were my favorite toys. 

When I met Brian he and I took them on a trip or two together. Amelia was born and our first trip with her was to Mossyrock. She rode on them with my dad. I just knew she was going to be our little water baby. We were going to raise our kids on the water and they would learn to love the water as much as their momma. 

I do love the water. My soul is tied to the water. From the time I was little, my momma had me in the water. We had a pool in our backyard. I have amazing memories of camping and swimming in rivers and streams, lakes and the ocean. We planned our trips around our favorite swimming holes. I remember walking along the beach at Kalaloch and feeling my heart soar. I loved the water. The crashing of the waves upon the shore. The sound of a river swirling and twirling around the boulders on its course onward. The rhythmic pulse of water. And I still love these things. 

When we got the SeaDoos my heart became even more attached to the water. Being on those is like flying on the water. The boats plane as you get up to speed and they glide across the top of the water. The temperature changes as you make your way up a waterway. The waves lapping the hull of the boat. Seals poking their head out of the water in curiosity. The wide, beautiful expanse of the sky reflecting off of the wide, beautiful expanse of the water below you. Being near the water brings me closer to God. Being on the water and I'm right in heaven with Him. 

Brian and I took Amelia with us to Mossyrock in the summer of 2009 with the rest of our friends and family. He died in October 2010. And the SeaDoos sat...

It wasn't that being on them brought too many painful memories. Brian and I hadn't had much time on them together. Stuff got in the way. Grief. Raising two babies alone. Seizures. More grief. Other things became priorities for me. And the SeaDoos sat...

This past summer, I'm not certain what spurred me to do it, but I took the online boaters course since I needed a license to drive a boat now. I walked up to my parents yard where my SeaDoos were parked and made the decision that they weren't going to sit anymore. I called to get them in for service. When the shop heard they had been sitting for eight years they weren't hopeful they could get them running. And so I prayed and my dad and I towed them in and left them behind, confident in the mechanics. 

A few weeks went by. No progress. They needed more money. They thought they were close to figuring out what was wrong. Panic set into my heart. I agreed to let them keep going with them. 

A few more weeks went by. Another phone call. They needed more money. They were certain they were going to figure it out. Sadness crept in. I had ruined the things that I loved. I hadn't taken care of the things that I had to have and I could see the memories fading thinking my boats were bound for the junkyard. I agreed to let them keep going. 

A couple days later another phone call. Tears started welling in my eyes before I even answered the phone. In my head I could hear them telling me it was hopeless. No use. I was bringing home very large paperweights. I answered apprehensively and the voice on the other end said, "They're ready! Want to come get them?" I was elated. We went and got them and brought them home. There were a few snags that needed to be worked out but yesterday, after eight years of sitting, I was driving my babies towards the boat launch at Lion's Field, with my human babies in the back seat asking a billion questions. 

What if we fall off? Are there sharks in the water? Can you just go slow? What if I just want to stay on the shore with MomMom? Emerson maybe even started crying tears of fear, telling me she didn't want to go. My heart understood, but was broken all over again. My babies were going to grown up on the water. Now I was bribing my seven and ten-year-old to just try it. I was praying they would love it just like I do. 

My dad and I dumped them into the water and jumped on. We were both apprehensive as we started out, unsure if they were really going to work like they used to. We got out of the no wake zone and I opened it up. And before long I was soaring over the water, the wind in my hair, the sun glistening off the surface of the water, and the hum of the engine just as I remembered it. And the tears came. Tears rolled down my face as five hundred emotions poured into my soul all at the same time. Sadness of the time I had wasted. Pride at the hard work it took to own these and then to have them repaired. Grief as I remembered the last trip I took with Brian, a picnic on the dock in Kingston where we started the trip at Lion's Field. Happiness as I remembered all the fun times we had on them after I first got them. And a sense of being filled with God's love and grace and mercy as I flew across the surface of the water. That emotion won out in the end as I looked up at the horizon and saw the picture God had painted for me across the western sky. 

I went to open water towards Silverdale where there was no one around and I pulled the key out of the ignition and I just sat and floated and watched the skyline for a moment. God's voice rang out over the water to me and my heart felt as if it were going to burst. He created all of this wonder, this splendor, for us. He loves us so much he sends us the ocean waves and the sunsets and the mountains in the distance. It's all a gift for us. And seeing those pieces of His creation makes my faith come alive. 

I raced back to the boat launch and picked up my apprehensive little girls. They warily climbed onto the SeaDoo behind me. I promised them I would go slow and explained to them how the SeaDoo works and why the key is attached to me and what they should do if we fell off, just in case. It wasn't long before I heard Emerson's little voice squeak around me: "Momma, could we go fast?" I asked if she was sure and they both said yes. So we went fast. Giggles and whoops and cheers of delight rang from their little voices. We went towards Silverdale. I took them the other direction and we went under the Warren Avenue Bridge and the Manette Bridge just in time to see the ferry pulling in. I steered towards the ferry and asked if them wanted to jump the wake of the ferry so we did that. The second time around I misjudged the height of the wave and we came down with a crash as a wave went right over the top of all three of us. I held my breath, waiting for the tears to start, but all of heard was laughter and a declaration from Emerson of "That was awesome!" The three of us had the best time last night. When my dad had brought the trailer back to the launch and it was time to pull them out of the water, Amelia said, "This was the best day of the whole summer." And my heart smiled. 

On the way home we talked about all the things we could do with the boats. They asked if we could take them out again soon and I said yes! And Amelia pointed out how blessed we are. 

Indeed we are blessed. Another stage of healing for our family. Another phase walked through. Another heart moment shared between the girls and me. I had been avoiding the boats. And it kickstarted a whole range of feelings and emotions that sort of rocked me for a while. But, the overwhelming sense of love and peace and joy of being on that water, flanked by my children and surrounded with the ocean waters and the amazing evidence of Father's creation won last night. 

My children are water babies just like their momma. And we are looking forward to many more adventures on the water. And many more days of witnessing God's amazing creation!

The Devil Went Down to Georgia...

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

"The devil is in the details." Ever heard this said? Why do we say that? What does it mean? It's meaning stems from the idea that in order for a project to be successful, every last detail needs to be perfect. And when the devil is present, or when something goes wrong, things don't go as planned.

It's true, you know. The devil is there. Waiting. Watching. Prowling like a lion. Waiting for you to open the door just a crack and let him in. 

In my opinion, we as Christians do a poor job of telling people about Satan and his stealth. We seem to not want to bring him up. If we don't talk about him, he's not there. If we ignore Satan and his minions they'll just disappear. We are doing a huge disservice to people when we do this. The devil is there! It's not like when we were little children playing hide and seek. We can't stand in plain view, cover our eyes, and expect to not be found. We need to talk about Satan. We need to talk about him and how to protect ourselves against his attacks. 

Preaching the good news is so very important! Telling people about how much God loves them should be a cornerstone in our Great Commission to witness to people. But, we have to talk about the other side too. We have to let people know that once they open their hearts and their minds to Christ, once they start believing and praying and seeking His promises, the door is opened and we are involved in a battle. A classic battle of good versus evil. By not talking about it, we are not preparing people to put on God's armor and be ready. 

I have been under attack for a while. They know which of my buttons to push. They know exactly what to whisper into my ear. They know what to play at to take my breath away and make the anxiety pound inside. No one talked to me about Satan and what he could do. I attended parochial school. I've been a member of a church since I was in Kindergarten. And unless I was daydreaming during all those religion lessons and Sunday sermons, I don't remember hearing about how crafty Satan is. How persuasive he is. How persistent he is. And so, rather than knowing I was involved in spiritual warfare, I thought I was crazy. I thought I needed to be committed or medicated. I thought something was wrong with me. I was ready to declare myself mentally unstable, when in reality, I needed to put on the armor of God. 

Satan is ruthless. He is terrible. He knows what is most important to you and he uses all of that against you. He uses my weight. My assault. The suicide of my husband. He uses my parents and my children. He uses my friends. He uses my own thoughts and my own feelings. He uses my insecurities. And, back before I knew what was happening, I was sliding into a pit of despair and confusion and heartache. It wasn't until people who knew more about this than I did explained to me what was going on that I started to realize what was happening. And that, by the grace of God, I had the authority to take control and take charge of my faith journey and my life. And now that I know, I feel like it is somehow part of my mission, part of my calling, to let others know too. 

The weird things that happen that leave you unsettled but are unexplained? You're being attacked. The dark, destructive thoughts you have at times. You're being attacked. The crippling anxiety and depression? You're being attacked. The nightmares and night terrors and things that interrupt your sleep? You're being attacked. The thoughts that you are crazy or that you suck as a mom or that you're too fat or that you can't do your job right? You're being attacked. 

Satan uses a wide range of tactics to try and wear you down and get you to tap out. He is more powerful than churches give him credit for. BUT, the news that the church does get right? Our God is more powerful! Our God can wrap His arms around you and pull you out of the muck and mire that threatens to pull you under. Our God can wrestle those demons, wrestle those evils, tear down those that want to tear us down. He is omniscient and omnipotent. He is the Almighty! He is the one that has given you HIS very own armor to cover you and protect you and save you from the wicked one. 

So, yes, the devil is down in Georgia. And Washington. And all over the world. He is in your cities and is in your homes. He may even, at times, be in your heart. But, in Father God, you have all the tools and all the love and all the peace you need to defeat Satan. Do not be afraid! Do not despair! Do not sink down and believe the lies that he whispers into your ear! And if you feel like you are being dragged to the point of no return, reach out! Ask questions! Be brave and ask for help. 

Along the lines of our family motto of be kind, this also spreads in this message. Knowing what I know now about Satan and his capacity to destroy people makes me take pause and look at our societies. Our communities. That dirty, smelly man begging for money on the corner? Chances are he's under attack. The women who talks to herself and hears voices? Chances are she's under attack. The people who are mean-spirited and rude and angry? Chances are they are under attack. And the more we talk about this, the more we spread prayer and compassion throughout our communities, the faster our churches, our communities, our country can heal! 

Satan thinks he is winning! Satan thinks that we are on the downhill slope to destruction. Well,I hold out faith that he is WRONG! As a core, we are good people. God resides in this world, and He is the one that is in control. We just need to be brave enough to let go, and let God. We need to see the evil and racism and divisiveness and mental health issues that we are experiencing as attacks. Start with a little prayer. Add in some compassion and understanding. Be kind to all you meet and the battles they may be fighting. And our world has a chance to heal. 

I am still under attack. Daily I fight to remember to lean into my Lord and put on my whole armor. Daily I choose to walk through life leaning on Him.  Am I perfect with this? Not at all! I need reminders all the time. Luckily God has graced me with the best prayer partner ever to grab my hands, place my Bible in them, fold them in prayer, and reach out to my God for help. The road isn't easy. It isn't all good. I have been through a lot. Satan has done his best to take me out. But I have faith in my Heavenly Father to carry me through. And I have been blessed, so very blessed, on this journey I have been on and will continue to be on. We are all works in progress. We are all amazing creations. We just need to make sure we are leaning on the right Creator.