Fight or Flight...

"She is clothed in strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future..." Proverbs 32:25

A few blog posts ago I wrote about light bulbs and the suicide of Chester Bennington, the late lead singer of Linkin Park, who killed himself. His wife recently posted a video of him during family game night. He was playing a game with his wife and children and laughing and having the best time. There was no sign anywhere in the video snippet that would indicate he was going to hang himself just a short time later. There is now an internet campaign where people who are depressed are showing photos of themselves with the caption "This is what depression looks like". The images that follow are "normal" people. Smiling faces. People having fun with friends. People doing what they love. Some admit they are diagnosed with depression. Some are photos other people have submitted of loved ones that followed through with suicide. The message is you can't just look at a person and know whether they are depressed or not. The same is true for people with anxiety. 

I am not diagnosed with anxiety. But I have it. I fret and worry and turn things over and over in my mind a thousand times. I don't take meds, but sometimes I wonder if I should. And I do my best to hide the fact that I worry about everything. 

The speech department had a training on Friday. I showed them a video called "Why Leaders Eat Last." It's a presentation by Simon Sinek. If you've never watched it, I highly recommend it! Towards the end of the video he talks about cortisol and fight or flight mode. And how that stress is killing us. For me, I have been stuck in fight or flight mode for so long, it has rewired my brain. The stress over the years has caused my brain to rewire itself into having a part that triggers seizures. Being stuck in fight or flight is dangerous, and I have experienced this first hand. 

For the longest time, I would fight. I would try and take control and fight my way through my days. I fought my attackers when I was assaulted. I fought through the days when Brian caused our family to implode. I fought through tears and heartache and pain. I fought...

But then I got tired of fighting. And I moved to flight mode. I ran away. I pulled my girls out of school one day and ran away. I would sit in my office at work and feel the tension building until I couldn't stand it any longer. I'd walk over to Diane and Kathy P in the office and ask them to sign me out for the afternoon and submit leave and I would run away. I would push away all of my friends and family and crawl into a hole and drag everything in behind me. And I've been sort of stuck there for a while. 

Recently, I started kickboxing, as an exercise alternative for myself. It looked fun, so I tried it. It was amazing. Not only physically, but emotionally and mentally and spiritually as well. Every class, I fight back the urge to burst into tears and start bawling in front of everyone. As I'm punching and kicking the bag, I am laying everything running through my head on the floor of that gym. Last week, as I was choking back sobs in the fourth round, Heavenly Father asked me why I always revert back to the flight. Why is my first instinct to run? As I mulled this over in my head, I realized my purpose for walking into that studio. I was in training. For myself. But also for Father God. He didn't want me to run away. He didn't want me in flight mode. But did He really want me to fight? Was He training me to fight?

Not at all. He doesn't want me stuck in anxiety. He doesn't want my life to be about either fighting and flying. He wants me to rely on Him. He wants me to trust and have faith and give it to Him. Which, when I'm sweaty and exhausted and don't think I can go another minute in kickboxing, the tears brim and I know I can keep going. 

The Bible tells me everything I need to know about my anxiety and how to cope:

FIGHT: Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." He doesn't want ME to fight. He wants me to know that HE will fight. He will take care of everything for me. I need to close my eyes, be still, and know that He has got me in the palm of His hands. He will fight. I don't have to.

FLIGHT: Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." God will help me fly! Not fly away like I would like to, but fly with strength and dignity. He will give me the strength to face what I need to face. He will be with me every step of the way, helping me through it all. 

So as we enter October in just a couple hours, and as I face the painful memories of so many things: Tom's birthday, the destruction of my family, Clay's brain tumor diagnosis, Brian's suicide...I turn to the fight or flight versions of my Heavenly Father. He has a plan. He has the path set for my journey. He knows where I'm headed. He sees me at my worst and helps me to become my best. He is inserting the message in my mess. He is going to build the testimony out of my test. We are stronger everyday in faith and love and hope and peace. And with God's fight and flight plan, we will continue to recover, continue to grow in faith, and continue to soar! I laugh without fear of the future because my God is awesome, and I put all my faith in Him.