Last Wednesday I decided to sign up for a 45-day body transformation challenge at my kickboxing studio. It's a chance to win $20,000 based off of your body changes. Not necessarily weight loss, but other factors play in too. When I signed up I didn't really sign up thinking I would win $20,000. I signed up excited with the anticipation of having a motivator for getting back on track with my eating habits and exercise routines. I did my measurements. Went to weigh in. Took side, front, and back pictures. Went and did a body composition test. And went to bed that evening with my heart filled with hope and excitement and motivation for starting another chapter of health and fitness.
In joining the challenge we were also added to two separate Facebook groups for support: the national challenge page and the Silverdale challenge page. Yesterday, a woman posted a rant on the national page. She was upset that she had joined the challenge and that she was a part of the groups because seeing everyone else's posts, she determined that there was no way she would be able to win the $20,000 and was discouraged and not wanting to continue.
I posted a gentle response to her rant in the comments. I told her that I looked at the $20,000 prize as a bonus. If I won the money, it would make this challenge that much sweeter. But in my head, I had already won! Wednesday I joined the challenge. Thursday I got an email telling me there was a tumor on my kidney. Typically, being an emotional eater, news like that would have devasted me and I would have immediately started stuffing my face with everything in sight. This time? I threw myself into menu planning and meal preparation. I made it a point to exercise Monday through Friday. I have accomplished so much in the week since we started. I've learned a lot about myself and about where my head is. And I'm becoming stronger everyday - physically, mentally, and spiritually.
This morning was my follow up appointment with my doctor. It was a relief in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about! It was also a stress in that he told me the tumor is nothing to worry about. Everything that I have read about this tumor, although typically benign, doesn't point to the nothing to worry about part of the scale. Mind you, I don't WANT there to be something wrong. But I also don't want to miss something that might be wrong. Part of this is wanting to be informed and wanting to be in control of medical decisions for myself. Part of this is wanting to do everything to ensure that I live a long and healthy life as the sole provider remaining for my children. Part of this is that I am skeptical of doctors and what they say. I have lost so many important people to so many tragic health concerns. So many missed things. So many mistakes. I don't want to be a missed thing or a mistake. I left my appointment relieved that there was nothing to worry about. But also plagued by the "what ifs?" I could feel my anxiety growing. My thoughts racing. My mind going to the what ifs.
As I lamented and processed out loud with my prayer partner, I finally got to a point where I'm declared, "I guess I just have to let it go and trust that my doctor knows what he's doing." She gently smiled at me and said, "No, you don't trust your doctor. You trust God!" She couldn't have been more right.
Too often, I try and fix things myself. Too often, I wrack my brain and try to come up with a solution that I want, a solution that I need. Sitting in my truck after the appointment, I brainstormed scenario after scenario. Should I let it go? Should I get a second opinion? Am I putting too much worry into this tumor? What if I never feel ok again? What if he's wrong and it is something to worry about?
It's not...
Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I know that sometimes this is easier said than done. But in my growth in my faith, I have learned to do better at giving it all up to Him. He takes care of all of us and loves each of us so very much. He is in control of my life path. So I think back to Saturday when I first shared my news and asked for prayers. The first prayer I asked for was for His will to be done. Not mine. Worry is a part of my will. Worry is a part of the plan that I have for me. It is not God's will. He has a plan. He knows my comings and my goings. He is in charge, and I will lay it all before His throne and give it all to Him. Hope in the storm. No worries. Only peace that passes all understanding.
I still have a tumor. It's in there. And I can think of five hundred scenarios that cause me grief and worry. But that is not His will.
So, my prayers have not changed at this point. I ask that you pray that His will be done. I ask that you pray that I let this go and give it to Him for it is His problem to handle. I ask that you offer up healing prayers for my gall bladder. There are more tests to be done for that, including a scope procedure and possible surgery. I ask that you pray for the tumor to be healed and removed from my right kidney. Pray for me and my children to have strength and peace and hope and faith and love through this journey. Pray for His will.
I am humbled and honored to be a servant of God. I am so blessed to be carried in His loving arms. I am so amazed at the power and glory of our Heavenly Father. And I am so thankful that He is forgiving and offers us His grace.
I will continue the 45-day challenge. I will continue to push through the days with my workouts, even when I don't feel like I can. I will make good food choices. I will work on getting stronger and healthier. I will compete, because the prize is already mine! I have been blessed with amazing friends and family. I have been blessed with a strong mind and body. I have been blessed with this tumor! For because of it, I have once again been renewed in my strength and in my hope in Him! There is always a blessing and a lesson to learn in every trial and tribulation. And mine are still being unveiled. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger...Stronger in faith. Stronger in hope. Stronger in the Lord!
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