I Will Go the Distance...

Right this second, every muscle in my body is screaming mad at me. Kickboxing class tonight was killer. I don’t even go to kickboxing on Fridays! How did this even happen?! I was talked into it to support my loving friend and coworker who was taking her first class. And it was a brutal class! I really feel like if that had been my first class I maybe wouldn’t have joined the ILKB family. Haha! But man I felt good after! But Fridays are my run days. I was supposed to complete Week 2, Day 3 of my Couch to 5K app. So, because I’m a bit OCD about stuff, I came home and I ran Week 2, Day 3 of my Couch to 5K app. And now all my muscles are broken. Soak in Epsom salts they said. Now I’m most likely going to have to sleep in the tub because my arms don’t work so good. 

I am a tad OCD about this stuff. When I write things down in my planner or on my calendar or in my menu planner, it’s like gospel! I have to do it, or I’m hugely disappointed in myself. I get obsessed. Driven. I have to reach my goals. Part of this is because this is how I have always been. I set a goal and I accomplish it. I write it out, I need to do it. I promise a friend, it happens. Another part of this is that it gives me something to focus on. It’s a great avoidance strategy. When you’re so busy obsessing about runs and kickboxing classes and menu planning and calorie counting you sometimes forget that you’re a widow, or that you were assaulted, or that you have a kidney tumor. The icky can go away for a while. 

So I’ve been obsessing a lot about my goal weight. What should I pick? I know that 220 is a hard first goal for me. And as of my unofficial sneak peak this morning of the scale I’m only like four pounds away from that number. Am I going to stop there? No way! My lowest weight back when I married Brian was 219. Should I stop there? I didn’t think so, but I made the mistake of using a BMI calculator today. Ever used one of those? They’re filled with joy and happiness. (And that sentence is filled with sarcasm in case you couldn’t hear it through the typed words on this page.) Did you know that a 5’9, 224 pound woman is obese still? Did you know that a woman who runs three times a week and kickboxes twice a week, and has lost 137 pounds is still obese. Super disappointing. But I’ll be obese until I reach 200. Is that a good goal? Well, according to the charts “no” because then I move to overweight. Want to know what the BMI chart says? The TOP of my range for healthy weight is 169 pounds. I’m pretty sure that might be what I weighed in Kindergarten so I’m not sure that’s attainable. But there’s more! They actually would prefer, based off various formulas and recommendations, that I weigh around 145 pounds. What? That’s insane...

But, being that I haven’t weighed anything below 200 as far back as I can remember, I’m going to take it in baby steps and make my own rules. I’m getting stronger everyday. I’m getting healthy and slimming down. I’m making good food choices and working my rear off (literally and figuratively). 

So, my goals: first, I’m going to lose the four-ish pounds I have left to face down my fear of 220. Then I want to hit 200. Then 180. And then we’ll see how I look and feel. I have no idea what it’s like to weigh those numbers. No sense of what it would feel like. What will my stomach look like? Will I still have the weird crooked hips? The squats are for sure adding stuff to my rear end which I never had before. It’s all new. And it will take time. But I will reach my goals!

Kevin James, of King of Queens fame, did a stand up show once called “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” He has a weight loss goal. He stated that he wanted to lose just enough weight so that his stomach didn’t jiggle when he brushed his teeth. Those are the kind of goals I’m setting for myself. Not the number on the scale. Not weight based on the standards of some chart that wants me to starve myself to get to a seemingly unrealistic number. The non-scale victories. Seeing hips and curve where before I was just sort of a blob. Sliding easily into XL clothes instead of 2X or even 3X clothes. Being able to order a dress online and have it actually fit and feeling so sexy in it. Buying necklaces and bracelets and not being worried that they won’t fasten around my neck or my wrists. Walking up the ramp at Seahawks games and not feeling like I’m dying. Playing with my children and going on hikes instead of laying around napping because I’m too fat. Being able to cross my legs. Not recognizing my face in the mirror sometimes. Coming home after a grueling kickboxing class and then running. 

2 Chronicles 15:7 says, “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” This is my goal. To be strong and not give up. God has called me to this task. He has asked me to finally take care of me. To be strong in Him and healthy for myself. To be a living testament to His words and works and to show others what can be accomplished though Him. I offer praise to my Father for giving me strength and motivation and drive. And I hope that my story will be one that can help others. That will give honor and praise to my Heavenly Father and will be a testament to His grace and His mercy. 

I have goals. I have goals that were set for me before I was even thought of. I am God’s beautiful creation and He has set me on this path. I was made for such a time as this and I am going to go the distance until I reach my goals. All honor and praise to His glorious name! Amen! 

And now for my next goal: Getting out of the Epsom salt bath...

Human Wheels Spin Round and Round...

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Bill Murray gets stuck in the same day, living it over and over. He runs through a gamut of emotions tied to living one day a bunch of times. At first he’s freaked out. Then annoyed. He feels invincible because he knows he’ll get to do it all again tomorrow. There’s anger. There’s hopelessness. There’s hope as he feels he can change the outcome of things. There’s honesty as he knows that the day will end and the person won’t remember what he even said the next day. 

Sometimes, I feel like that. Sometimes I get stuck in a rut, stuck living out my routine. Stuck in the same day, living the same moments, hearing the same things, doing the same motions to get from the time I wake up in the morning until I close my eyes at night. And I feel the same emotions that Mr. Murray went through. Freaked out. Annoyed. Invincible. Anger. Hopelessness. Hope. Honesty. And many more emotions. 

I became open-eyed aware of this as I completed a walk on my treadmill the other day. I wasn’t completing my Couch to 5K app. I was just walking. And as I was walking my eyes fixed on the belt. My ears honed in on the rhythm of my feet. The belt was going round and round. Every once in a while the logo on the belt would zoom past in a flash, but other than that it was this black belt spinning round and round. I was tired. So very tired. And I was sweaty and hot and achy and just watching the belt go round and round. Never getting anywhere. Never making progress. Never seeing any sights or changing the scenery. My heart sank in sadness and despair and hopelessness.

I was only like twelve days into 2018. I have committed to running and walking 2,018 miles in 2018. I was on day twelve and I was already finding myself wanting to quit. Wanting to be done. What purpose for all of this walking and running and exercise. I had already put in nearly seventy miles. Five and a half miles per day at least. But for what? Why? What was the point?

And then I started thinking about life in general. Just as the belt beneath my feet simply went round and round, sometimes I feel like life is the same way. The same things happen over and over. Never getting anywhere. The belt keeps going around and you find yourself rehashing the same events day after day. The cycle of grief. The sadness. The heartache. The anger. The hopelessness. Keep walking one step at a time. Keep praying. Keep healing. Keep mourning. But for what? Why? What is the point?

I finished my walk and pulled the cord to stop the treadmill. I turned to walk off the back and that’s when I noticed a pile of dirt under the treadmill on the carpet. While I was walking my shoes were leaving behind residue from being worn outside. There was dirt and grass in a neat pile at the back of the treadmill. While I was walking this monotonous journey, my shoes were being slowly cleaned of the yuck. The belt was catching all of the dirt and grime and yuck and carrying it off the treadmill into a neat pile, ready to be vacuumed away. And then I smiled as Father God connected it all for me. 

Life does get hard. You get sweaty and tired and hot and achy. You grieve and mourn. You have happy moments. You’re filled with hopelessness and then hope. It gets hard. It gets monotonous. But, through every one of those moments, God is filtering the yuck out. Every low of grief that you hit, God takes a part of that and filters it off. Every flashback you experience, God is there to vacuum up the broken pieces of your soul. Every time you doubt your footing or you are angry with your circumstances or you wonder if you’re going to make it to the next morning, God is sloughing off the yuck, and replacing it with good. He is cleaning up your life, filtering off the dirt and grime, and making you white as snow. 

John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son. That whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” He gave His Son to cleanse and purify our souls. To make the monotonous light up in amazing wonder. To bring joy and peace to our hearts. To help us when we are covered with yuck and dirt and sin and to wash us clean. To set us on the right path when we find ourselves drifting to the side. To shake the yuck off, pile it behind us, and help us continue to put one foot in front of the other. 

Life is going to be hard. It’s going to be messy. It’s going to leave us hitting our knees and begging for the answer to “WHY?” But quietly behind us, behind the scenes of the slow and steady of our life, God is keeping our path going round and round, moving forward in faith and hope and peace and love. Leaving us marching towards becoming stronger everyday. Shedding the yuck and the anger and the hopelessness and donning pure white robes and heading toward His glory. 

Round and round. Be so very thankful that your treadmill keeps moving forward. Towards Him. Towards healing. Towards peace. Towards heaven and eternity with Him!

Please Don’t Go...

This past week has been an amazing jump start to my plan for being healthier and more fit. I have stuck with my goals and the scale showed all my hard work paid off. The scariest part of my goal has been keeping up with five and a half miles per day. That’s a lot of steps for my little legs and I don’t know if I’ve ever been so intentional about getting exercise in. And I certainly haven’t done it consistently seven days a week. But so far, I’ve pushed myself to do it every day, and have been successful. 

As you may have noticed, there are more blog posts happening lately also. Walking and running on my treadmill is my quiet time, my time with Father. The first part of my walk is typically just empty thought. Plans for the day. Things I need to get done. How long does this walk last? But there is always a moment in the middle, a moment where I am physically exhausted and mentally tired. A moment that comes when I am broken and wrecked and emotional and then I am given what He and I are working on. We get to the core of my emotion and my angst and figure out the purpose of the run. Sure, sometimes it’s just purely physical exercise. Working out. But much of the time there’s an emotional something, a spiritual something, that I am led to work through. For the last two days, the theme has been the same. And as much as I want to  avoid it, as much as I’d like it to just be buried, He’s telling me I can’t. The title for the post was given. Hard, ugly-cry-inducing visions were brought to the surface. Sobbing on the treadmill trying to breathe through a 5K and tears led me to this. 

I try hard to be honest in my posts. To show you the good with the bad. To highlight that you can still have joy when walking through pain and heartache. I try to balance out the amazing excitement for life with the valleys that we sometimes have to walk through. And for the last couple days, a valley. So, tonight, a blog post that is a valley. 

Grief is a weird thing. It has been over seven years since Brian died. Seven up and down years of so many emotions. And just when you think everything you feel is over and done, wrapped up with a neat little bow, you’re thrown into the throes of grief all over again. 

I miss my husband. So very much. And I seethe with anger when that happens. He did very awful things. He hurt so many people. And while I speak often of the blessings of him making the choices that he made at the end of his life, it doesn’t make the grief any easier. In fact, it complicates things. Rather than sitting around with friends and family, speaking of the wonderful person my husband was, we don’t speak of him. Speaking of him generates emotions for many people. When I mention that I miss him, depending on who I’m talking to, there’s emotion from that person as well.  People love us. People want to protect us. They want me to see the good in what has happened. And again, I do! I know that things had to happen the way they did in order for us to be where we are today. But I also would like to be able to maybe have a moment where I feel like I can freely be sad for the man that I loved. That I can miss him and tell people how badly it hurts that he’s not here. To share with people moments in my life that are hard, like Christmas Eve or daily things with the girls.  Sometimes I take a risk and do. Timidly share things I hold in my heart. But not often. Because people don’t understand. 

People don’t understand just grief unless they’ve experienced it themselves. Many people would read that it’s been seven years and wonder why I’m still bemoaning my loss. Get over it! Be done! Move on! Then add on that my husband ended his time on earth as a monster. They really don’t understand why I’m grieving him then. They say things like, “Oh, you’re just grieving the life you dreamed of.” Or “You just miss being married.” And oftentimes, I convince myself that that is true. It’s hard for me to admit here, or anywhere, that I miss him. I miss Brian.

And there is guilt and shame still attached to everything that happened. Guilt that I didn’t notice my husband slowly sinking into his own version of insanity. Guilt that I didn’t protect people that needed protecting. Guilt that I cut Brian completely off from my little family. Guilt that I didn’t show compassion and forgiveness and help him. I know that he was too far gone by the time I noticed that anything was wrong.  I know that I probably couldn’t change his mind at the end. But I would give anything to pause for one second, notice what was happening and say the words, “Please don’t go...” Guilt that his choices plus my choices led him to think that suicide was his only option. Guilt that my vows were “in sickness and in health” and I didn’t keep up my end. My husband was sick. I didn’t know. But I also didn’t keep up my end of the bargain. 

And then the part where I’m on the treadmill and broken. And God scoops me up and whispers into my ear “You. Are. Forgiven.” He tells me that it’s not my fault. He tells me how much He loves me. He tells me how sorry He is that my girls and I have had to go through this. How sorry He is that the people that I love have had to go through this. He takes my shattered heart and tenderly bandages the pieces back together. Psalm 147:3 says “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” He fixes the wounds in my heart, a little at a time. He allows me to be angry and sad. He absolves me of my guilt and my shame. He shows me my broken heart and the patches that are holding it together. And I am able to move forward on my journey and little further along. 

I miss my husband. I wish with all my heart that he was here, healed and whole and normal. I wish that my girls could know a dad that loves them and cares for them. And then gratefulness that they have their Heavenly Father to bolster them and to bind their wounds too. 

I keep replaying the wish where Brian calls my cell phone and shares his sickness with me. Where I share with him Psalm 147:3 and assure him that Father God can heal him and fix him. Where I beg him, “Please don’t go...” That part gets me to the grief where I feel like I can actually cry for him. Where I can be sad and hurt and maybe even lay my head in someone’s lap and cry until I don’t think I could cry anymore. 

But, I won’t do that. For Brian is healed. He is no longer sick. Father God has healed his broken heart and bound up his wounds. I will rejoice for him! And I will also be thankful for the journey that Father God has placed the girls and me on. And I know that with each step of this journey that I take, Father will continue to heal my broken heart and bind up my wounds. 

I encourage you to hug your spouses and your children and all of your other loved ones tightly when you have the chance. Life changes in the blink of an eye. But if it does, and you find yourself in grief, turn to our Father in Heaven. And know that He has a plan. He uses it all for good, no matter the circumstances. And I firmly know that Brian had to go...

We All Need Somebody...

The Incredible Journey was one of my most favorite books and movies when I was a kid. I mean, what’s not to love? There’s dogs. There’s a cat. There’s an amazing story of loss, adventure, teamwork, and (warning - here’s a spoiler if you haven’t read it or seen it!!) eventually a tear-filled joyful reunion at the end filled with love. When I think about my life, and the path that God has set me on, I can’t help but think that I am in the middle part of my own Incredible Journey. There’s dogs. No cats. But so far we’ve got an amazing story of loss, adventure, and teamwork. And because of the faith that I am firmly planted in, I know that I am eventually going to have a tear-filled joyful reunion at the end. 

So, let’s think for a second about the story. You can’t have a story without characters. And my Incredible Journey is filled with characters. My mom and dad, who have been such an amazing support in our years of struggle. My sister and her family, who have loved us and cared for us and dropped everything to make sure we were ok. My extended family and friends, who are too numerous to name individually, but who have also met us at various points on this journey and helped us along the way.  

This new year has been about a lot of reflection for me. Something that I have thought a lot about has been this Incredible Journey. Many of you know I am a Christian. And I don’t believe that things happen by accident. Every day, every minute of our lives, is planned out for us. The good and the bad all have lessons to teach us. They are all woven into our life’s tapestry in order to help us stand back at one point and see the beautiful big picture that is being created. And when you think about the events of your life, all the way back to your birth, those things happened for a purpose. Those things all happened to make you into the person you are today. One little difference, one little change, and you could be an entirely different person, in a different place, with different circumstances and different people. The characters in my Incredible Journey would not be the same. And when I think about the path that I was led down to get here, to this moment right now, I am overwhelmed with the sense that Father had everything laid out for me. And has the rest all planned out too. 

So, when I think about the twists and turns in my Incredible Journey, it takes me back to fifteen years ago when I walked though the doors of Jackson Park Elementary as their brand new Speech-Language Pathologist. I thought I knew exactly what I was doing and was going to change the world. My very first IEP meeting, I sat at a table and told a family I was cutting their son’s IEP minutes. The resource room teacher at the table looked at me and declared, “Uh, no you’re not.” Then the mom threatened something about lawyers and I quickly hand wrote the minutes back to what they were and left the meeting as soon as I could at the end. Man, I was intimidated by and terrified of that teacher. And continued to be for quite some time. Who would have thought that fifteen years later, she would be one of the starring characters in my Incredible Journey?

Melody started off as someone I was so afraid of, so intimidated by, that I didn’t quite know what to do with her. I’d attend meetings and stare at her in awe as she spoke with parents and children. I knew that she was wise and smart and so very good at what she did. It wasn’t long before she and I started eating lunch together at work and talking about students. We would share ideas and she would teach me things that worked for her with kids. Soon we were laughing and sharing secrets, talking about our families and spending hours together either in person or on the phone. Eventually she graduated to honorary Nana to my babies and worked her way deep into our hearts. And then my life unraveled, and she was one of the many characters that stepped forward to help the girls and me through. Melody and I have been through some terrifying, amazing, weird times together. There hasn’t been much that we haven’t experienced together. 

But one day, and I’m not sure I can even pinpoint the exact day or month or even year, things shifted in our relationship. God intervened on our behalf, and took us from strangers to coworkers to acquaintances to friends, to bonded friends, to family...but in the last few years our bond has gone through one more metamorphosis and we were blessed to become prayer partners. We started adding Christ into the center of our friendship and amazing things started happening. Rather than just talking and sharing, we began praying and reading the Bible together. And my Incredible Journey became OUR Incredible Journey. We became partners in faith and we have watched the most amazing things happen. Healing and grace, forgiveness and peace, praying and talking and learning, pressing deeper in our Father’s arms, working on people’s hearts and faith, bringing others to learn about Jesus. It has been such an Incredible Journey that we often find ourselves shaking our heads wondering how it all happened, how we were lucky enough for our paths to cross and find each other and grow and walk together. We know that God placed us with each other, gifted us to each other. And the things we have seen and heard and witnessed and experienced have been simply amazing. 

Matthew 18:20 says, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am also.” This has been most certainly true as Melody and I have bonded and grown in the love of Christ. He has been so very present always, but we have been so lucky to experience His love and grace and peace for us in the context of prayer partners. He has been actively present with us, and sends us reminders throughout our time together that He is here and that He loves us. And we feel so blessed to share that with each other, but to also have the opportunity to pass this on to others!

So, I encourage you to find your person! Find the one that God has set aside just for you! The person who will drop everything to pray with you and for you. The person who thinks through things with a God-focused brain and walks you through this with prayer and scripture. The person who isn’t afraid to be firm with you when you are straying from His path and His plan. The person who loves you and guides you back to the cross when you feel lost. The person who looks into your eyes or hears your voice and knows when you are having a moment of weakness and bolsters you up with prayer and praise. 

I have been so blessed. I am so thankful for all of the characters that have been a part of my Incredible Journey. My family and friends. My girls. My husband. My coworkers. All of the people on my list of friendships. All of the people who found their way into our lives for whatever reason. And I am also so thankful for Melody, and the earthly partnership that she and I share. For I know the Incredible Journey that we are on now is only part of the path that will lead to the tear-filled joyful reunion at the end where we are reunited with the loved ones we have lost, and where we get to spend the rest of eternity with our Lord and Savior. What a blessing! What amazing grace! What an Incredible Journey!

Don’t Worry, Be Happy...

I sat in a meeting today for one of my favorite kiddos. He is so low. He is very language disordered. But if anyone were to sit and have a conversation you would hardly notice there was anything wrong with his communication skills. Unless you started digging deeper you may never even think there’s anything wrong at all. He is funny and uses sarcasm. He is able to take turns and use language pretty appropriately. Surface stuff looks super typical. But if there’s any critical thinking of deeper language stuff that needs to happen, he has glaring holes in his abilities. When I was explaining this to his parents I told them that he often “fakes it ‘til he makes it.” He loves to talk and that is part of what makes him look typical. He can talk around his deficits and many people, unless they are really analyzing what is being said, think that more words are better. In this case, they aren’t. 

As I walked to my truck I reflected on the meeting. I always think and re-think and overthink my meetings and my kids. Did I convey the severity of his challenges? Do the parents know what a struggle he has? Is there something different I should be doing for him? Something more? And then I thought of that phrase: fake it ‘til you make it. I had a little chat with my Heavenly Father and then realized that this phrase could easily transfer to me. 

My communication skills are in tact. At least I hope they are since my livelihood sorta depends on that.  It’s not about my language or the subtle cues that I’m missing during problem solving. Or maybe it is. I fake it ‘til I make it too. Just not in language, but in life. In feelings. In anxiety. I emotions. 

The new year started a fire burning in me, like it usually does. The turn of a calendar. A clean sheet. A new opportunity for hope. A fresh start. New goals. New focus. New places to hide. New chances to fake it ‘til I make it. I have packed my life with goals and challenges. I have moved from the addiction of food to the addiction of being busy, of exhausting myself. I have been fresh with excitement and happiness and joy. Until sneaks of negative started rearing their heads today. I was sharing my goals with someone. When I mentioned the 2,018 miles in 2018 they asked me if I was counting all of my steps, or my intentional exercise sessions. I told them I was counting all of my steps in order to get in five and a half miles a day. That I wouldn’t be able to do it if I was only counting my exercising. They told me I was cheating. That those everyday steps didn’t count. I argued that I walked a mile and a half at the grocery store the other day and that certainly should count. They said it shouldn’t. That I wasn’t walking to exercise. So, that started me overthinking. 

What if they’re right? What if it is cheating? Maybe I am a fraud. My PTSD tells me I should always be paranoid. Always looking over my shoulder. That I’m one step away from screwing something up. My anxiety tells me that I’m worthless and that no one has time for me. And the negative thoughts just kept coming. The fear of thinking about doing this much exercise for a whole year, and then hearing from one of the first people I shared with that it doesn’t even count. Knowing how exhausted my body is from all the walking and running and kickboxing. Thinking that I am too fat and too lazy and not committed enough for this to last for a whole year. It’s only the third and I’m already ready to be done. 

And then, I think of one of my favorite verses: Matthew 11:28 - Then Jesus said, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.” It says come to Him! It doesn’t say come to your friend, or come to your daughter, or come to this person or that person. It says come to HIM. Too often, I seek approval of other people. I want other people to tell me my worth. I look to my daughters to tell me I’m a good mom. I listen for my friends to sing my praises and tell me “good job.” I read old cards from my husband telling me that I was everything He wanted and needed. And I find my worth in those words. So, when the opposite happens, I devalue myself by those words also. 

All week I’ve been on cloud nine and so proud of myself. It only took one person to grind that progress to a halt and suck me right back into negative thinking. So, I have a choice. I can either let this drive me to a Big Mac, or big change. And I’m praying for big change. I cannot rely on people, on sinful imperfect humans, to help me figure out my worth. I already know I’m worthy. I have a loving Father in heaven who loved me so much, He sent His only son Jesus to die an awful death to save me from my sins. He loves me and He finds worth and value in me. I need to press into him and realize that His approval is all I need. And I NEVER need to prove my worth to Him. I am His daughter, His precious child. He loves me and in Him, I can always know that I am enough. 

I am enough. And when I finally can fully realize that I can truly come to Him in my weariness and bring him my burdens, then I will know my value. I can accomplish anything though Christ who gives me strength. And whether that is walking five and a half miles on a treadmill, or five and a half miles through a grocery store, I am enough! So, don’t worry! Be happy! Don’t worry about anything! And be happy in everything! No more faking it until I make it. Because in my Father’s eyes, I’ve made it. I’m enough!

Do You Want Fries with That?

The answer to this blog post title for me is always a resounding YES! I love salty! I love fries. This is probably a big contributor to my weight loss struggles. And even though it seems that I’m starting to get the hang of this weight loss and exercise thing, the truth is I still struggle. I am thirteen pounds lower than I was one year ago. I’ve probably lost the same few pounds all year long but that has given me hope that my downward trend will continue. 

With the new year dawning usually comes the resolutions. Weight loss has perpetually been on my list for at least the last fifteen years. I say only fifteen years because I didn’t actively care any of the years before that. Those years were the years I spent bulking up to rock out my success story. Ballooning up to 361 pounds has its perks in that the 230 pounds I am currently staring down doesn’t seem so bad. Until you realize that you’ve been stuck here for a while. 

I’ve been a Weightwatchers member for the last fifteen years off and on. It works! When you’re true to yourself and working the program it works. So, naturally when the new year started and I began writing out my plan for success in the new year, my first item on my list was to quit meetings. Haha! Not what you were expecting? Part of my life message from Heavenly Father was to catch my breath. To slow life down. To take things out that don’t contribute to His plan and will for me. Meetings haven’t been working for me for a while. They are one more thing to run to in my busy schedule. They were one more expense. For what? To go up and down the same five pounds in two years? So I quit the meetings and switched to just the online program. I still need the crutch of their app and their points calculators and the feeling that I have some guidance and I’m not just relying on my own nutritional knowledge. Because that love of fries kicks in and I convince myself that I’m eating vegetables in that little red box with the M on them. 

After I quit the meetings I sat down and I made my vision board for the year. I wrote out my goals. I’d like to weigh 165. I want to drink around 100 ounces of water in a day. I want to walk or run five and a half miles a day. I want to complete my couch to 5K app on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and continue kickboxing Tuesdays and Thursdays. I’ve joined a couple different DietBets. I’m going to enter the I Love Kickboxing body transformation challenge. I have signed up for a challenge to run 2,018 miles in 2018. I want to actually weigh and measure my food and maybe actually stay within my daily points for a change. I have refocused and have planned and wrote out my goals and my rewards. I’m ready to finally conquer the dreaded 220 pound mark that is such a huge mental block for me. I’m ready to see who I can become in this new beautiful year. 

But I also know that all the plans and pictures and vision boards in the world won’t make the change happen if I don’t first start by putting my Lord and Savior first. He needs to be in the center of all of these plans. He needs to be the one I turn to for direction. He needs to be the one I talk to before making decisions. I know He loves me and wants me to treat my body like the temple He created me to be. And I know that He already has the plan for me to do that, and the route I need to take to get there. 

He also has gifted me with friends and family to support me through my journey. So, in order to remain accountable, I will be posting my journey on Facebook so that I can have a record of this year to come. So, I apologize for this now. If this sort of thing annoys you, you can unfriend me! I know that sometimes I get annoyed with people and what they post and these pieces of my journey maybe are teaching me a lesson of sort. People need people. They need supporters and people to cheer them on. Not sure if that’s what I’m looking for per se, but this is more of a way to be able to look back and see what I’ve accomplished in a year. 

I have put God in the center of this journey. I am creating a different me to become a better servant to my Father. I am changing my health and my eating and my exercise to glorify His name and to take care of the body He has given me!

Am I going to still eat fries? Probably. But I am going to be more deliberate in my thinking about my eating and my journey. I have a lot of live for. I have a lot to do in His kingdom. And I want to be a good example to the two little girls in my house that are looking to me for healthy lifestyles. 

I will be praying my way through this journey, asking you all to love and support me through it, encouraging you to pray about what God’s goals are for you this year, and looking forward to ringing in 2019 in a healthier, happier body, mind, and spirit!

Happy New Year!! Want to share some fries?