The Show Must Go On...

My girls are dancers. Many of you most likely know this from either talking with my girls or me, or seeing my 5,000 posts featuring my Amelia, the Sugar Angel, from this weekend. We spend many hours at the dance school, and many hours at home dancing and practicing and twirling batons and working through steps. We have tap shoes and ballet shoes and hip hop shoes. I should purchase stock in WalMart and Target for all of the money I spend there on tights and leotards. I can make the best ballet bun ever if needed, even though I kinda suck at braids and even pony tails. We have vats of hair gel, boxes of straight pins, hair nets, bun holders, dance skirts...you name it, we've bought it. 

As I said earlier, Amelia performed this weekend in her dance school's production of The Nutcracker. She was a Sugar Angel. She, and 15 other little girls in pretty blue dresses, donned wings and halos to open the Second Act of the performance. This is Amelia's second year of doing The Nutcracker. She loves it and looks forward to it all year!

But, there was something different a couple weeks ago. My big girl is much like me and gets very anxious. She worries about everything and is very much a perfectionist. She wants everything to be perfect. She wants to be involved in everything. She loves dancing and performing and singing and acting. And she is involved in a lot. She is involved in five dance classes at dance school, which keeps us at the school at least three nights a week. With Nutcracker added that was a minimum of two more days of practice. She needed to perfect her part in The Nutcracker. She needs to learn five dances for the Christmas recital coming up, including tap, ballet, baton, hip hop, and modern. She also found out she got the lead role (with two solos) in her class Christmas pageant at school. And it all got to be a little two much a few weeks ago. 

As I was tucking her in to bed one night, she burst into tears. When I asked her what was wrong, she started sobbing, telling me she didn't know what to do. That she was so nervous for everything and she was tired and stressed. As I crawled into bed with her and clung to my little seven-year-old, my heart broke for her. I asked her what I could do to help. She told me she just didn't think she could do it all. That it was too much and she was going to fail and let everyone down. I quickly grabbed her hands and we prayed. I prayed for strength and a calm over her heart. I prayed for God to direct her in what she should do. I prayed for answers for me as her momma, to find the balance between letting her do the things that she wants and the things that she loves, but also preserving her childhood and her sanity. When we were finished we talked about cutting out some activities. Maybe not doing five dances, but rather only picking her favorites. However, I also started in on commitment and that I understood if she didn't want to do ballet or tap anymore, that she didn't have to, but she needed to wait until AFTER Nutcracker was over and recital was over so that she didn't let down her teachers and classmates by not doing her part for the dances she has been practicing in class. She heaved a very big sigh and looked at me and said, "Mommy...I know...the show MUST go on!"

I smiled at her and began to consciously make her bedtime a little bit earlier every night. I made sure that I worked with her on learning her parts for the Candymaker's Wife in her school play and we practiced the dances she wanted to practice. 

As I was getting her bun ready for her last Nutcracker performance today, Amelia wrinkled her nose and said, "Mommy, remember when we talked about cutting something out a while ago? Well, I've thought about it, and I love everything that I do! I love dance! I love singing! I love acting! I don't want to cut anything out! So, really...the show WILL go on I guess!" She giggled. I smiled at her and kissed her forehead. "I'm so proud of you, Amelia! And I will support whatever you want!"

She looked at me and shook her head. "Well, I don't want to quit anything! You can't get anything out of life of you quit!"

I smiled at her again and told her that she was absolutely correct, but that taking care of yourself is also important! Taking time to rest and relax is so important. She said she understood, but that her relaxing was in those classrooms at the dance school. That she loves to feel her body stretch and move to the music. That she loves to watch her baton fly through her fingers. That she loves the other family she has found at her dance school. And I once again told her that I would support her in whatever decision she made. She put her little hand on her hip, motioned for me to continue wrapping her ponytail tight into a bun and once again said, "The show MUST go on!"

And so it is with life. Or at least my life! There are days that it is just too much! Work and housework and kids and IEPs and running errands and driving kids to dance and packing lunches and...too much! There are days that I would like to curl up in bed and just cry! But, the show must go on! If there is any piece to my day that starts falling apart, I have to smile and keep going because there are lots of people counting on me on a daily basis. My students count on me to pull myself out of bed, even if I have a migraine, because they will be eagerly waiting outside my office door for their speech time. My principal counts on me to be at the playground for morning duty so that the children remain safe. My special education team members count on me to get my testing and paperwork completed so that we are not out of compliance. My two little girls count on me to pick them up from dance and get home at a decent time and maybe even remember to take out something for dinner. The show MUST go on!

But there is also that piece about taking care of yourself. That is harder as a mom...as a working mom...as a single working mom. I get through with a lot of help from friends and family. My mom can make a ballet bun with the best of them. She and my dad gladly take the girls so I can enjoy football days with my bestie, or concerts with friends, or out to dinner with coworkers. My amazing babysitters/Godparents to my children/extended family/miracle workers take my kids to school for me, and pick them up and drive them all over the county for dance lessons and speech therapy and counseling. They get there early and stay late and are amazing and oh so important! They help the show to go on!  And I have an entire village of people that love and take care of us! That show up consistently for me and my girls. That cheer us on as our show goes on!  Thank you to all of you! Who push us and encourage us and help us to keep going! In order to get through life, the show MUST go on! Thank you for being a part of our production, for if you are reading this, you are indeed part of the Duncan girls' production! Whether it be support cast, costumes, makeup, refreshments, ushers, script writers...you know which part you play! And if you aren't sure, ask me! I love an opportunity to share what you mean to me and my family!! I hope that one day I can reciprocate and help you with your show! Because your show must go on also! Ask me to fill in wherever you might need me! I would love to help you out with your production...no matter what phase it's in. I'm sure it's nothing a vat of hair gel won't fix!

I'm FINE!

It has been an interesting theme that I have watched develop over Facebook posts the last few weeks. Talking about people asking "How are you?" and also discussing the answer that should follow. I certainly have an opinion on both sides of this equation.

"How are you?" can be such a loaded question. When you are asking that question, do you really pause and think about what you are asking? Do you stop to wonder what the answer might be? There are many times in life where "how are you?" is interchanged as a greeting. You're expecting the person to answer "I'm fine!" and you both carry on with your day. You don't expect the exchange to last any longer than that. 

But what if the person has more to say? What if the person sees your question as a moment to connect with someone? I know it depends on your relationship with that person. Asking a stranger "How are you?" as you are passing each other in the aisles at Target is going to feel very different than asking "How are you?" to a friend who just lost their spouse or their child. But should it?

Human connection rarely happens anymore. And I think that not only changed the way we ask that question, but it also changed the way we answer that question. "I'm fine!" is typically how I answer that question, but that is certainly not the answer that is running through my head. Some days, I AM fine! Some days are good and things are even fantastic, but I still say "I'm fine!" and the opposite is also true. Some days I am NOT fine. Some days I'd like to answer "Actually, today really sucks. I wish I was still home and in bed and that the world would just stop for a minute." But I still say "I'm fine!" And we go about our days. 

As people, as friends and family and coworkers and even Facebook friends, I think we can do better! I think we can start to put more meaning into our question of "How are you?" And not just surrounding events in lives that we know are hard! Not just right after tragedy has struck, but always! What world problems could we solve if people genuinely wanted to ask (and answer) "How are you?" How many suicides could we stop? How many school shooting plans would be reversed? How much anxiety and depression and spirals into mental illness could be erased? Just by genuinely caring and asking whole-heartedly "How are you?" Looking into the eyes of someone and saying "How are you?" and not silently praying they answer "I'm fine!" so you can both move on with your day. 

I was lucky. I am lucky! I had people that asked and genuinely cared about what my answer was. I have people that hear my answer of "I'm fine!" and know if I really am or not. Everyone needs these people. Everyone needs someone that can say "I know you're not..." and I really feel like God has given me the path he has given me so I can stop for a second, think about my question, and ask it with sincerity to see how my friends are doing. I know there are so many of you hurting right now. My heart hurts for all of you and I try hard to ask "How are you?" and wait for a real answer. 

But we also need to get better at answering that question. We need to listen to the question and know that they are asking because hey really care! They really want to know. So say, "You know, I'm not great..." or "I'm not sure how I'm going to make it until tomorrow." Reach out! Let people know you need help. Let people know that you are not fine! Ask for help! Ask for prayers! Tell people you need them because even though we need to ask the question better, most people are not mind readers either. The answer of "I'm fine!" isn't startling to people so it's a signal to move on. Search out the next person who might not be fine. 

There is SO much hurt and pain and anger and horrors in the world right now. But something beautiful can come of these atrocities. And that is the chance to love someone, the chance to spread love and kindness and help to those who need it most. We don't ask for help very naturally, but it could be as simple as saying "I'm not fine."

For the record, if you asked me today, "I wouldn't be very fine" but I know that I have amazing people that will help me get there! And tomorrow is a new day! So maybe tomorrow I'll be fine...

It's Not a Competition!

I am the department chair of our speech-language pathologist group this school year. It is my job to run the department meetings, help people problem-solve, assist our special education director with decisions regarding the department, make sure everything is running smoothly, maintain the budget, and, my least favorite part of the job...listen to complaints. In a department of almost thirty people, sometimes the complaints really roll in. It is my job to listen to what they are saying and see if there is any sort of solution I can come up with. For example, this week I fielded calls of help from SLPs who are over their caseload caps, one person doesn't have an office space that is appropriate for seeing students, one SLPs works with a teacher who wants to know how she is going to make up the time she missed for her students while she was out sick, and another was worried that she was going over her alloted budget but really needed the supplies she was asking for. I listen to the calls or emails, and either solve the problem, talk to my management committee (who are an amazing group of women with helpful ideas), or take it to the director. The chair job, on top of my regular duties as an SLP can be overwhelming at times. Who does the chair complain to??

As I was listening to calls and reading through emails this week, I got to a point where I was a little bit snarky maybe. I have six students over my caseload cap right now. I have 12 active referrals/evaluations right now in process. I have preschoolers flying into my program. And yet I was sitting through calls from other SLPs who were stressed and tired and wanting help. So I listened patiently, but scrunched up my nose at their complaints. Really? Three over? You're getting two new kids? You can't figure out a schedule that works either? I even vented to my assistant about it this morning, how ridiculous it was that I has to listen to this when I am just as over, if not more so...just as stressed, just as tired, just as over-worked and under-appreciated!

Then tonight I was sitting at my counter, going through mail, when I heard Amelia and Emerson talking. Emerson started the conversation with a "It's not fair!" That cued me in to listen more carefully, assuming they were in an argument. Amelia responded with "What's not fair, Em?" 

"It's not fair that my friends all have daddies!"

"I know, Em! I get sad too! But it's not a competition!"

"What does THAT mean, La?"

"Well, who cares if we don't have a daddy? We get a mommy that loves us for a mommy AND a daddy! She does her best to love us like two parents. And we are lucky! Think about all the bad things that happen to people! Think of all the people we know right now who are going through hard things. We are so blessed! Everyone has to go through things that are bad. But we get through them together as God's family. It's not a competition!"

Amelia is an amazing little girl! And she often says things that reset my thinking! She is right on so many levels! Work is not a competition. It's not about who has the hardest caseload or who has the most kids over their cap or who has the most referrals. It's about working as a team and getting through the rough patches together. Banding together, finding solutions that work for everyone, and readjusting your sails. 

And this is also true for life outside of work. It would be very easy to think about troubles and turmoils and problems and compare them to others. And there has been so much tragedy lately. So many friends and family in pain and suffering and loss. Miscarriages, death of children, murder victims, cancer diagnoses with no hope, house fires, suicides, mental illness concerns. It's all too much!! For anyone! But it's not a competition! We need to band together, help each other out, love on each other, pray for each other! Support one another any way we know how. Cook a meal for someone, make a phone call, send an email, drop to your knees in prayer, give a hug, smile, genuinely ask how people are. 

Life is hard! Work is hard! Home life is hard! But Amelia is absolutely right...it isn't a competition. There are no imaginary points assigned for your level of grief or your workload. We are all being pushed to the very ends of our ropes. At work. At home. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. But we need to band together and help each other! Love and support and pray and help each other. It's not a competition. We all need to remember that! 

The Duncan girls carry many of our friends and family members in our prayers. Our hearts are heavy for so many of you that are just starting difficult grief journeys. And we are sorry that you have to carry sadness and heartache at all! Please lean on us if you need to! For many of you carried us through our time of grief and sadness. Love to you all!

The Day the Music Died...

I have blogged about songs before. Music is very much an important part of my life. I associate songs with many moments. I will forever hear the "MacArthur Park" song and think of camping and laughing with Julie, Miranda, and Rachel (YouTube it, gals! And turn it up super loud!). "Bittersweet Symphony" will always get my heart pumping and have me thinking of football time with my bestie Kristi. And I will always be rocked to my core and start bawling when I hear the Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as I think of watching 50 First Dates a million times with Brian in our short time together. 

Music has always been important to me. I have been to easily over 100 concerts in my lifetime. I've listened to everything from country to oldies, Christian to hip/hop, metal to alternative. I remember sitting on my dad's lap on our front lawn listening to Duran Duran when they played the Kitsap County Fairgrounds. I remember the time my sister and I almost died in the back of the moshpit at the Slipknot concert at Ozzfest. I remember the first time my friend Tim was launched into crowd surfing at the Blink 182 concert and all I could think about was what I was going to tell his mother when he died. (Sorry, Barb! I did my best!) I'll never forget sitting on the grass at the Gorge listening to Dropkick Murphys with all our friends around us. I remember dying a little inside when Brian took me to see Kenny Rogers and watching my moshpit days come to a screeching halt. And then finding life once again in the moshpit with friends to see my punk roots come full circle with Dropkick just a few weeks ago! Music is my everything!

For a while, the music died for me. Any major life event I have been through has seen me deal with music. Friends having a tough time? Turn on some Weezer. A bad breakup? Blink 182 to the rescue. Feeling sappy? That would be Yellowcard! Missing time with my mom? Kenny Chesney does the trick. Wanting my sissy? Dropkick for sure! When Brian died? My radio went off. I turned my radio off. There was no music. There was no looking for a song to get me through. Just like the radio, I turned off my grief. I turned off my feelings and my emotions and I pushed on. And the radio was off. Before and after work used to be drives where I cranked my music loud and I sang and smiled and thought of life. But now? The radio is off. And I think. Think about my list of things I need to get done at work. Think about the girls and if I'm doing the right things for them as their mother. Think about colleagues that are hurting. Think about friends that are going through life changes.

My life has been undergoing a lot of changes. I have been trying to shift my perspective in things. I am a Christian! I have been for most of my life, but over the years I have lost sight of some of the values and beliefs that were at one time most important to me. So, I am going through a lot of changes. The girls and I are becoming more purposeful in our prayers and in our spiritual life. We are forming relationships with each other and with God that we have been lacking, or maybe just lazy with. We are shifting our thoughts and beliefs and having open conversations and it has been a wonderful growing time for the three of us. In our conversations, I was reminded of some Kid's Praise tapes that we used to listen to in my mom's minivan on our way to school. I had ordered them for my girls a while ago and had put them away for safe keeping until they were old enough to appreciate them. And as most things anymore, I forgot!! I forgot I had them! But in one conversation this week with Amelia, a brain cell fired and I remembered I had them! And guess what?? Music is back on in my car! They are kids' songs. But they are worship songs and they are songs that are filling our hearts and filling my truck with little voices! And it is great!

So, this morning, I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket and put it on shuffle. The first song that came on was a song called "Breathe in Me" by Michale W. Smith. He's a Christian singer that I saw in concert before also. And as I was listening to the song, really listening to the lyrics, I was overwhelmed with many emotions. Sadness, anxiety, uncertainty, hope, pride, joy...so many thoughts and feelings about the lyrics. So many angles to approach the song from. So many tangents of my life. Here are the lyrics to share with you all:

You breathe in me

And I'm alive

With the power of your holiness

You breathe in me

And you revive

Feelings in my soul

That I have laid to rest

[Chorus:]

So breathe in me

I need you now

I've never felt so dead within

So breathe in me

Maybe somehow

You can breathe new life

In me again

I used to be

So sensitive

To the light that leads

To where you are

Now I've aquired

These callouses

With the darkness of

A cold and jaded heart

And so...music is on again. Music is flooding my soul. Lyrics that mean so much and the music that is so comforting, so telling of messages that I need to hear, memories that I need to remember, sadness that I need to process...

And to my many friends who are struggling and hurting right now: don't turn the music off!  Don't shut out feelings and emotions and music! Listen to the lyrics, feel the music, feel the emotions, work through your stuff! And know, that there are so many of you that I am carrying in my heart and in my music and in my prayers at this time.