The Day the Music Died...

I have blogged about songs before. Music is very much an important part of my life. I associate songs with many moments. I will forever hear the "MacArthur Park" song and think of camping and laughing with Julie, Miranda, and Rachel (YouTube it, gals! And turn it up super loud!). "Bittersweet Symphony" will always get my heart pumping and have me thinking of football time with my bestie Kristi. And I will always be rocked to my core and start bawling when I hear the Israel Kamakawiwo'ole version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as I think of watching 50 First Dates a million times with Brian in our short time together. 

Music has always been important to me. I have been to easily over 100 concerts in my lifetime. I've listened to everything from country to oldies, Christian to hip/hop, metal to alternative. I remember sitting on my dad's lap on our front lawn listening to Duran Duran when they played the Kitsap County Fairgrounds. I remember the time my sister and I almost died in the back of the moshpit at the Slipknot concert at Ozzfest. I remember the first time my friend Tim was launched into crowd surfing at the Blink 182 concert and all I could think about was what I was going to tell his mother when he died. (Sorry, Barb! I did my best!) I'll never forget sitting on the grass at the Gorge listening to Dropkick Murphys with all our friends around us. I remember dying a little inside when Brian took me to see Kenny Rogers and watching my moshpit days come to a screeching halt. And then finding life once again in the moshpit with friends to see my punk roots come full circle with Dropkick just a few weeks ago! Music is my everything!

For a while, the music died for me. Any major life event I have been through has seen me deal with music. Friends having a tough time? Turn on some Weezer. A bad breakup? Blink 182 to the rescue. Feeling sappy? That would be Yellowcard! Missing time with my mom? Kenny Chesney does the trick. Wanting my sissy? Dropkick for sure! When Brian died? My radio went off. I turned my radio off. There was no music. There was no looking for a song to get me through. Just like the radio, I turned off my grief. I turned off my feelings and my emotions and I pushed on. And the radio was off. Before and after work used to be drives where I cranked my music loud and I sang and smiled and thought of life. But now? The radio is off. And I think. Think about my list of things I need to get done at work. Think about the girls and if I'm doing the right things for them as their mother. Think about colleagues that are hurting. Think about friends that are going through life changes.

My life has been undergoing a lot of changes. I have been trying to shift my perspective in things. I am a Christian! I have been for most of my life, but over the years I have lost sight of some of the values and beliefs that were at one time most important to me. So, I am going through a lot of changes. The girls and I are becoming more purposeful in our prayers and in our spiritual life. We are forming relationships with each other and with God that we have been lacking, or maybe just lazy with. We are shifting our thoughts and beliefs and having open conversations and it has been a wonderful growing time for the three of us. In our conversations, I was reminded of some Kid's Praise tapes that we used to listen to in my mom's minivan on our way to school. I had ordered them for my girls a while ago and had put them away for safe keeping until they were old enough to appreciate them. And as most things anymore, I forgot!! I forgot I had them! But in one conversation this week with Amelia, a brain cell fired and I remembered I had them! And guess what?? Music is back on in my car! They are kids' songs. But they are worship songs and they are songs that are filling our hearts and filling my truck with little voices! And it is great!

So, this morning, I pulled my iPhone out of my pocket and put it on shuffle. The first song that came on was a song called "Breathe in Me" by Michale W. Smith. He's a Christian singer that I saw in concert before also. And as I was listening to the song, really listening to the lyrics, I was overwhelmed with many emotions. Sadness, anxiety, uncertainty, hope, pride, joy...so many thoughts and feelings about the lyrics. So many angles to approach the song from. So many tangents of my life. Here are the lyrics to share with you all:

You breathe in me

And I'm alive

With the power of your holiness

You breathe in me

And you revive

Feelings in my soul

That I have laid to rest

[Chorus:]

So breathe in me

I need you now

I've never felt so dead within

So breathe in me

Maybe somehow

You can breathe new life

In me again

I used to be

So sensitive

To the light that leads

To where you are

Now I've aquired

These callouses

With the darkness of

A cold and jaded heart

And so...music is on again. Music is flooding my soul. Lyrics that mean so much and the music that is so comforting, so telling of messages that I need to hear, memories that I need to remember, sadness that I need to process...

And to my many friends who are struggling and hurting right now: don't turn the music off!  Don't shut out feelings and emotions and music! Listen to the lyrics, feel the music, feel the emotions, work through your stuff! And know, that there are so many of you that I am carrying in my heart and in my music and in my prayers at this time.