Because of You...

I have worked, with the help of Father God, through so many things over the last few years. I am healing. Notice I didn't say healed. I know that complete healing is possible and there are certain events that happen that show me that I am not completed yet. I wrote last time that I am a work in progress and that is still certainly true. 

I think as someone who has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) I have a lot of things to work through. I have several events that I am working towards healing for, and several events that cause me to be drawn into symptoms of PTSD for also. I have talked about PTSD before in my blogs. How I was in denial for so long that this was my diagnosis. How I found a few therapists when we would talk about PTSD. Not me. I'm not a soldier. I haven't been to war. But, in reality, I have. I have been to war. I have battled demons. I have battled myself. I have witnessed people being destroyed and people trying to destroy me. 

So as I walk through the healing process, there are ebbs and flows that I get tossed among, fighting to keep my head above the water that threatens to pull me under. Lately, fighting terrible thoughts and flashbacks, I keep flashing to the music video by Reba MacEntire and Kelly Clarkston called "Because of You." And then, the flashbacks and the list starts in my head. 

Because of you, I don't have confidence in myself. I question who I am in every aspect of life: my job, my role as a mom, my friendships, my role in my family, my role in my church. 

Because of you, I don't ever feel like I'm good enough. 

Because of you, my heart races 100 miles an hour when I enter a dark room, or when anyone stands right behind me. 

Because of you, I can't smell certain colognes without wanting to stop breathing and run, or curl into a ball and sob. 

Because of you, I question the motives of everyone in my life. What do they want? Why are they being nice?

Because of you I change the entire way that I dress and continually question what I am wearing. 

Because of you, I cannot get past the weight of 220 because...what if...

Because of you, I don't trust people and don't see myself ever being in a place where I would trust a man ever again. 

Because of you, my girls don't have a father. I don't have a husband. 

Because of you, the course of my entire life was altered and I watched the dreams I had for myself slip away. 

BUT...healing. The difference between where I was and where I am now! Healing! God is walking me through the healing process with the help of scripture and devotions and a prayer partner who has my best interests at heart. I am healing. Does this mean these thoughts don't creep back in? Not for now it doesn't. But I have faith that someday those thoughts will be gone permanently and I will only identify as someone who USED to have PTSD. I don't know if the medical community ever gives you a clean bill of mental health after this diagnosis. But I know that I have a powerful Heavenly Father that could move mountains if He was so inclined. So erasing four little letters from my history isn't such a big deal for Him. 

I am slowly healing. And the track that keeps playing in my brain is changing. Those "because of yous" listed above are old tracks from the people that launched me into being mentally unhealthy. But I have a new list of "because of yous" started that are all about my Heavenly Father. 

Because of You, I get up out of bed each morning and greet the day by reading Your word. 

Because of You, I am living life to the fullest and truly living rather than existing. 

Because of You, my life is filled with people who love me and care for me. 

Because of You, I am able to deal with the things that are thrown my way such as questions from my kids, memories from my past, and concerns about my future. 

Because of You, I grow stronger everyday and am filled with peace and hope and faith and love. 

Because of You, I have grown in my faith and have helped others to find You and walk in Your glory. 

Because of You, I am building Your kingdom and serving You. 

Because of You, I am destined for greatness as a Daughter of the King. 

Because of You, I am going to use my experiences to help a lot of other people. 

Because of You, I am saved and redeemed and oh so loved!

I am healing, because of my Heavenly Father. I have faith that someday the feelings of yuck will go away completely and I will be strong and courageous for my Father. 

I also thank all of you, my readers, who read my blogs and share them, who encourage me, who message me and let me know your thoughts and feelings. Because of YOU all also, I am able to share more intimately on these posts, in the hope that I am helping others or that my message is reaching ears that need to hear it. 

I am a healed person, with some more work to do, but I will continue on this journey and continue giving my heart to God and continue walking a path towards healing. Because of you...

How Far I'll Go...

Hebrews 13:20-21 Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 

This year is a big year for me. I am 39 years old, and when this year wraps up, and winter is here again, I will turn 40 in the blink of an eye. I'm glad my December birthday helps me put this off as long as possible. And even though I will have lived almost half of a lifetime soon, I am not even close to being finished. 

I am a work in progress. I am not finished. I am unpolished. Rough around the edges. Every day that I walk on this earth, I find new things I need and want to accomplish. I have things I want to get better at. And even more things I'd like to try. I want to keep getting better each and every day, and continue to grow in all aspects of my life. 

In my job, I want to continue to grow and change. I have recently obtained my state SLP license to broaden my horizons if called to do so. I have become a certified Autism Specialist. I have been acknowledged for the classes in Social Thinking ™ that I took down in San Jose. And just this morning I looked into a certification in Augmentative and Alternative Communication. I want to serve my students the best I can. 

I my personal life, I also have goals. I've shared them with many of you, I'm sure. I want to be able to manage my household better. As a single mom that can be difficult to do, and I always feel like there is some aspect that slips by the wayside. Laundry. The yard. Vacuuming. Dusting. There's something that I can't quite get to so developing a method to maintain all of that has always been a goal. 

I am constantly working on my weight and on my body image. Losing 130 pounds is a tremendous feat. I have about 60 more to lose before I get to my goals weight and I feel like I can do it this time. An aspect of my weight loss that I'm trying to work on is how I feel about myself in this journey. I'm constantly saying things like "If only I weighed 170 pounds, I'd be happier." I'm working on being just as happy at 230 pounds as I think I will be at 170. 

My most important journey has been my spiritual journey. I have grown so much over the course of these last few years in this arena. And the growth I have experienced has opened my eyes and trickled down into all of those other aspects in my life. When I am faithful and fully putting my trust in Father God, all of those other pieces line up perfectly and show my truly who I am meant to be in God's sight. He is truly in co trip anyways, and life is happier when I love that truth and free-fall, allowing Him to carry me through and walk me on this journey of life. 

The verse in Hebrews that I started this post with is so very important. It is speaking to the fact that my steps are planned out by Him and that He is my ultimate provider. He knows and understands my struggles and my successes, and He knows exactly what I need. When I turn that faith piece over to Him, He lines everything up for me and blessings flow into my life abundantly. 

Am I good at turning things over to Him? Not always. Do I practice what I preach? Hardly. BUT, I know that I am still lacking in aspects of this, and I line my life with people and things that will help me along my way. My daughters and I prayer regularly and read devotions and the Bible together. I have a prayer partner that I am in frequent communication with on this journey. She is amazing and quick to ask me "Have you ran this past Father God?" Or "Hmm...you should hand that over to Jesus!" I am in a church family that I constantly encouraging and filling me and my girls with love and grace. My friends that are more like family are constant reminders of who I am and who God wants me to be. 

I am not perfect. I will probably always have shortcomings that I need some work on. I will always have that next step I al looking to achieve. But my Heavenly Father will equip me with what I need when I need it. In the good times of joy and successes and happiness. And in the not-so-good times of sadness and failures and grief. He is always there. With the plan in mind, and the tools I need to walk in His glory and in His holy name!

Thank you, Father! For always being loving and forgiving and patient! God knows I need all of those things...and I am eternally grateful! He knows exactly how far I'll go! And I can't wait to see what He has in mind for me in the future for His kingdom!