But it’s New Years Eve and I’m also reflective. Thinking back on a whole decade and what has transpired in life is amazing and overwhelming and seemingly so cliche. But so important for my journey of growth and loss and healing and finding myself.
The decade is coming to a close. Ten years has gone by. When I think back to December 31st, 2009 and think about the last ten years, I am shocked at the changes that have happened. The highs and the lows. The additions and the losses. My last decade seems like yesterday and 100 years ago all at the same time.
Ten years ago this day I had a half-way there baby in my belly. Emerson was making her debut just four short months later. I was on bed rest with her. So sick. So wanting to make it to the date where she was ok to come out. Prayerfully waking each morning hoping God would keep her in until His handiwork was done. Worried about not working and paying bills and my babies at school too. So thankful for my people that helped me be a sick, pregnant mama with an almost three year old. Emerson and I made it to April 16th and then they induced me and said it was time. Brian and I were so happy to be a family of four. So happy to have a beautiful, healthy baby as a new addition to our family.
Those first months of her life were a whirlwind. Trying to balance going back to work with a weeks-old little one and Amelia who was three. Amelia loved Emerson from before she was born and it showed in every fiber of her being.
Then October hit and our world crashed down around us. Brian killed himself. Secrets were revealed. Heartache and anger and suicide and investigations, all while still trying to just be a new family. Emerson just six months old. Amelia three and a half. We were just learning to be a family of four. Now we had to quickly learn to be a family of three again. One parent. One reeling, struggling, grieving mom trying to make sure everything was ok. Stayed ok. Looked ok.
Those early months of 2010 shook and molded and structured our decade. So many things happened these ten years past, good and bad, but those first few months set the stage for us for sure.
I worked hard to not let it impact our family. I’m not a “wallow-er.” I didn’t want this to define me, define us. But to an extent my desperation for everything to go on as normal probably dragged it out longer. I’m still learning to heal. I’m still working through throes of anxiety and depression and PTSD. I still wake up some mornings and feel like I’m fighting just to survive the moment.
Then other things happened and compounded the grief and the struggle. Tom died. Clay died. Friends got sick. People left our lives. Trauma. Grief. Heartache. When you get stuck in those moments, sometimes it’s hard to see the sunshine through the clouds. And you get lost and lonely and feel isolated.
If I look back at my blog posts in the last ten years it’s quite a journey for me. Seeing the ups and down written out in blog form I get to relive the amazing moments where life was good and everything was ok. And see the days that things weren’t so great. So many people say “Don’t look back. Keep pushing forward.”
I completely understand the thinking behind that. Don’t wallow. Move on. Be happy. Don’t dwell on the bad.
But for me? I don’t agree. Looking back shows me where I was. Where I started this decade. Ten years ago I was a timid new mom, widowed, reeling, surviving, fighting to be ok. In ten years I have grown and matured. I like to think I’m a good mom and when I see the little people that I have raised, I know somewhere I must have done something right. They are resilient and kind and amazing individuals who are strong in their faith and family values. They are wholesome and well-rounded. And then I look at me as a person, as a Christian, as a human being that has seen a lot of yuck in the last decade. And I can hold my head up and be proud of the things I’ve accomplished.
So, as we enter a new decade, I am only making one statement for my future. Sure, I’ve made goals and plans and written things down. But, my eyes will be focused on one word. UP. Eyes up. Look up. Chin up. Grow up. Prayers up. Build up. Rise up. UP.
When you’re in the trenches and in the depths of dispair, sometimes the only place you can look is up. You’ve hit bottom. There’s nothing else under you. So, as a Christian, I have the comfort of knowing that when I’m in stuck in the depths, I drop to my knees, and send those prayers up to the one who matters most.
1 John 5:14-15 says “Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him.” Father is always there, listening, watching, waiting for us to turn to Him, to hand it all over to Him. He’s up there...waiting to carry you through the mess that you’re in. Waiting to send His angels to guide and protect you. Waiting to show you how to climb up and out of your depths of despair.
So, as we enter a new decade, ten years gone, your path will be filled with highs and lows. I, for one, am thankful for the struggle; for it was in those moments that I realized how desperately I needed my Lord and Savior. And the constant reminder to look up...up to Him. Up to the future. Up to all that He has for us.
Ten years gone. They go quickly. Don’t let another decade slip by without remembering your Creator and all He does for us. In the good and the bad. He’s up. Just reach for Him.
