My heart is happiest during the holiday seasons. I love the breaks from school and getting to be home with my kids. I love hearing Christmas Carols on the radio. I love buying presents for my kids and my niece and nephew and all the people that I love. I love the traditions we’ve made. It is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
It’s also my hardest time of year. The pain and emotion stings my soul every once in a while and I’m caught off guard, even all these years later. Walking through Target and finding the perfect stocking stuffers. Browsing Amazon for just the right outfit for Amelia. Even the driving through the insane crowds trying to make it to get that one last prize for my Emmy. The elation and joy of this season makes my heart soar, and in one brief glimpse it can shatter into a million pieces. Tonight’s catalyst for this blog post was watching the girls excitedly open their gifts. Such joy and thankfulness beam from their little faces. I am so happy that they are so happy.
And yet underneath for me, my heart hurts just a little. Brian should be here. He should be here to help pick out gifts. He should be here to pack bags as we get ready to head out to my sister’s. Brian should be the one I get to text when I find the perfect gift. He should be here to sit at the table with Amelia as she builds her LEGO set. Or helps Emerson learn how to use a baseball mitt
And then, in the next mood swing, I’m so thankful that he isn’t. I get them all to myself. They are safe and loved and happy being a family of three. And we truly get to enjoy the holiday season. There’s no stress. No tears. No anxiety. There’s only peace and joy and love.
Father God knew exactly what He was doing in our mess. He knew that victory was His and that we are part of His kingdom. His plan. We are strong and resilient and have a profound love for each other. And I am so very grateful.
So I will use those moments in my next swing. It’s usually when I’m standing in the closet on Christmas Eve, praying the girls don’t wake up and hear me and spoil the magic and surprise. The tears fall then because it makes me sad to be doing these moments alone. To not have a helper, my husband. And then it shifts to Christmas morning when I get their little arms wrapped around me all to myself. And we get to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior and know that Brian is with Him. And we will be too someday.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. And I wouldn’t trade any of these moments for anything. Enjoy your magic moments! Every single one of them. Don’t take them for granted. Hug and hold and honor. Love and laugh. Enjoy each second. Don’t rush through! Take it all in. Every smile. Every tear. Every single moment and memory. And check on your friends who are struggling. Even the ones that are eight years out and should be fine. They are fine. But they need love and extra check-ins too.
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! And may God bless us every one!
