So Glad We Made It...

It's back to school season! As I'm typing this, my two not-so-little-anymore girls are sitting in their Welcome Back chapel service at their school, buses are driving past my house practicing routes and getting ready to pick up students tomorrow, and my Facebook feed is full of my teacher friends whining a bit about starting tomorrow and either frantically putting together the last finishing touches on their classrooms, or squeezing out those last few precious moments of summer with friends and family. Me? I am anxiously awaiting the clock ticking to tomorrow morning when I get to see my little people's smiling faces and welcome in the start of a brand new school year. 

When you're a teacher, the start of the year in September has just as much meaning, if not more, that the start of the year in January. Each time period is the start of something new! A chance to start over. Or a chance to start again. It is a new opportunity to push the reset button and begin again.

My girls and I put together our Rememberlutions jars at the January time. But we also develop family goals in August at the start of a new school year. Things we'd like to do with our weekends and our free time. Practices and habits we'd like to get into as we start back to schedules and consistent routines. Family moments we'd like to try and see through for the coming school year. Some of our goals this school year? Eating breakfast together. Waking up early so I can not feel rushed in the morning. Bible study before bedtime. Family devotion. Maybe starting up our Rememberlutions jars that sort of drifted off in April. 

It's important to have goals and targets. Things that you want to accomplish. It gives you an endpoint, something to aim for as we are wandering through life. I have always been goal driven. I always work better when I know that I am working towards something. I think that's part of the reason why our little family had such a hard time after Brian died. I didn't have a goal or a vision. I didn't know what the future held for us. And as hard as I tried to come up with things, my only goals some mornings was to drag myself out of bed and don't forget to breathe. 

Luckily, during that time our God had a goal for my family. God had plans for us.  Plans for us to prosper and grow. Plans for us to pull through as a family unit with help from the people that love us. Plans to make it through the mess and have opportunities to share our message with others. Much like the beginning of the school year, God knew that even though our slates had been wiped clean and there was no lesson plans in sight, he new the new year was just around the corner. We needed to aimlessly get through our "summer" with no schedule and no routines and make it back to the first day of school. And make it back we did! We are stronger than ever, continuing to grow in His love and realize His plan for us. We have been on the right track for some time now, realizing our potential together and all that we have to accomplish in His name now that we have been gifted living, not just existing! Such an exciting time!

So, as my teacher friends drag their feet just a little, and want anything in the world but to trade in beaches and sleeping in for white boards and lesson plans, I hope that realize what amazing work they have to do! It's time to be done wandering aimlessly through our summers and return to school! Make goals for themselves and their children, and make it the best year yet!

Amelia's words coming out of fourth grade yesterday: "Mommy, I think this is going to be the best year yet!" Amen, sweet Amelia! God walked us, carried us through the worst time in our lives and we have been blessed with the best year yet, year after year! I am thrilled to be starting work, getting back on routine, and starting the best year yet! Once again, I get to start over and make this year my best year yet, and hopefully bless my kids at home and at work with their best years yet!

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you..." He knows those plans for my year, and beyond, and I am honored to serve those years out for Him! The best is yet to come! Living in the promises of my Heavenly Father means that each day can be better than the one before! I'm so glad we made it through our darkness to where we are today! So glad we made it!

Best year yet...

Who You'd Be Today...

When you are in a season of redefining yourself sometimes that is all you think about. I admit that I can be a bit obsessive about that stuff when I'm in a time of change. Losing weight and exercise is my season of change right now. I love how I'm feeling and looking and that is what I think about. I live and eat and breathe this process. When I'm on, I'm on. I can resist any temptation. I can run the best runs. I can get up at any time in the morning to run. I can eat a billion pounds of vegetables and drink all of my water and much more! Changing for the better feels so good! I love who I am becoming as I wade through this process.

Change is inevitable. Difficult, but inevitable. Sometimes, such as the process I've described above, change is voluntary. I am sick of being fat and sedentary. So I started the process of change. I intentionally have been doing what I need to do to eat better and lose weight. I am making a concerted effort to workout every day or every other day, depending on my routine. I am trying to make better food choices. I am meaning for this change to happen.

Sometimes, change is forced. Sometimes we are thrown into the process of change not by any fault of our own.  There's a catalyst that shoves us into a rapidly evolving lifestyle and suddenly we are fighting to keep everything upright, to right our sails, to keep all of our plates spinning, to keep a perfect balance of everything. And we become different people. Not necessarily because we want to, but because we HAVE to.  After Brian died and in the weeks and months and even years that followed, I had many people say to me "You've changed...we want the old Tammy back." And I would pause, and stare for a while, and smile. All the while inside I was screaming "SO DO I!" I would have given anything to rewind and go back to my old life. Old Tammy. Old Brian. Old, happy, quaint, perfect life. 

Now? Now looking back, I wouldn't go back for anything. How I have grown! How my girls have grown! How my relationships have grown! When you go through a process like what my family has been through, you do change. You value relationships more. You find out who your true friends and family are. You choose the best parts of you and try and focus on those. 

It's not all sunshine and roses though. With any change there are, uhh, let's call them growing pains. The path to who I am today is littered with pain and tears and darkness and terrible thoughts. It was a dark, scary time. There were days I didn't know if I could go on. There were day I would stand and look at my life and wonder who I was. There were moments of shame and guilt and depression. But each second of those days, each step that I took forward, was another step towards who I am today. 

School starts for me today. No students yet but I get to go back to work with my work family and start planning my new year with my speech babies. A fresh chance to start anew! It grants us all a natureal beginning. A moment to think about who you want to be a year from now. Or maybe that time chunk is too much to think about. Who do you want to be by January 1st? Or maybe even by October 1st?

Admitting to you all that typing that last date just brought tears is hard. October 1st. I never thought I would be scared of a date on the calendar. The day that Brian told me what he had done. The day that I didn't know who my husband was anymore and would set the course for the next almost six years, as I am still on that course. Brian ended his life. That was the course that he chose. And when I look at all that has happened in six years for me, it pains my heart to think about Brian and wonder who he's be today. All the changes that I've been through, the finding myself and raising my babies and getting seizures and finding a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. It hurts to think that had Brian chose something different, who would he be today? But it wasn't part of God's plan for him to find that out. It was part of God's plan for me and Amelia and Emerson to find out who we are, and who we will become. 

So back to the first day of work! For all of my work friends, today is the first day of this school year for us. Who do you want to be? We walk through the doors of our new school to changes. Changes that we maybe didn't want. Changes that may impact us. We have an opportunity to ebb and flow and decide who we want to be as a staff in October or January or June. Let's embrace it together and make good changes!

But also, you have the chance to stand right now and decide who do you want to be? What changes do you want to make? Would you rather make voluntary changes now or have to adjust your sails when forced changes happen later. Any to improve mentally-emotionally? Find a counselor, sign up to take a class, so some yoga! Physically? Talk to me about my Couch to 10K app, sign up for kickboxing (I did!), change your eating habits. Spiritually? Let's form a Bible study at work, find a new church, work on your relationship with Father. Become who you would like to be. 

Take today and jot down your goals for the next little bit and decide where you want to be. So that when January first rolls around you don't have to wonder who you'd be today. You'll know! You'll know that you are healthy and confident and strong and bettering yourself! First day back at work! Such an exciting day!! The first day of forever! The first day to make you who you want to be! The first day! Who will you be? Who will you be...

Piece By Piece...

Yesterday the girls and I went with some friends to the Pacific Science Center and walked through The Art of the Brick exhibit there. If you haven't heard of this, it is a gallery of pictures and sculptures by an artist named Nathan Sawaya. His medium? Legos! 

The beginning of the exhibit starts with a video about how he came to be a master Lego builder and the process he uses to build his creations. The first room is filled with famous paintings that he replicated using Legos: Mona Lisa, Starry Night and many more. Then a room of sculptures in Lego: David, the ceiling of the Cistene chapel. Next a room of common objects: an apple, a pencil, and table with fruit. 

A couple more rooms of amazing art pieces separated that and the room titled "The Human Condition." This room proved to be difficult to walk through, and awe-inspiring all at the same time. The pieces were all people in various stages. A group of people standing together that, from a distance, made a picture of an eye. A person with their knees drawn up and their eyes covered talked about how children cover their eyes to feel safe. A man climbing a ladder that was physically attached to his head, stating that within every person is the ability to climb up and out of whatever on their own. And a picture of a red person on a gray background, with red pieces being blown away with a statement that said life blows through and chips away at all of us and we cannot let it take pieces of us with it. Tears and goosebumps and subtle pains in my heart as I stared at each one and took in the message. And then the thought that a blog post was happening spilled from my lips to my friend. And I shared with her that just that morning, I had been given the title "Piece By Piece"...and so goes the post. 

Legos. Tiny little blocks. Mr. Sawaya took piles of little plastic blocks and started forming an object, telling a story, creating something that moved other people. Just like life. Life is filled with tiny moments, little snippets of time and experiences, telling a story and creating something that moves people. 

Life! Piece by piece you make a life for yourself. Little moments in time weave together and soon you begin to see the beautiful tapestry that is the story of you! Smiles and tears. Laughter and crying. Brief scenes from your life. Being born. School. Church. College. Marriage. Kids. Divorce. Death. Little moments that are built together and when you step back, your masterpiece is there before you! A picture comes to focus of who you are, who you should be. 

But, what happens when someone removes a piece? The museum workers at the beginning of the tour were very adamant about not touching the pieces. Carry your backpacks in the front so as to not accidentally bump into the pieces. Walk carefully. Watch your children. Because what if? What if someone were to bump the giant dinosaur that was made from 80,000 Lego pieces. What if someone removed one piece from the middle of The Scream? What would happen? The whole sculpture or the whole painting could be destroyed. It could tumble to the ground. And let's not mention how its value would diminish. 

My masterpiece felt done a few times. I was on my way to being the most successful pediatric oncologist the world has ever seen (in my head). And then someone removed a piece of my masterpiece, my sculpture fell and shattered into a million pieces, and that dream vanished. 

I started building a new sculpture, one with a husband and two children. And a piece was bumped out of place. The husband piece went missing. The work, in my eyes, had diminished value. Again this happened?! Why bother working so hard to rebuild life piece by piece to just have it destroyed in the blink of an eye. 

The art of the brick. Having an eye for being able to build something so amazing with seemingly little effort. That is what I have been doing for the last six years. Finding the message in my mess. Finding the test in my testimony.  Building my life back up, piece by piece. I could have given up. Switched to a different medium. Left my life in a pile of broken pieces on the floor. But I have fought to rebuild. To pick up piece after piece, look to see if they still fit into the big picture, and putting them back together. Some of them fit perfectly and get to stay. Some of them aren't helpful to the final product anymore and get discarded, not thrown away, but saved for perhaps another masterpiece down the road. 

Piece by piece I am building life for me and my children again.  It's not easy to rebuild after so many setbacks. It's sad and painful and you long to just have the masterpiece you had built last time. In a mere six minutes, the clock will stroke midnight and the calendar page will flip to August 5th. I should be celebrating what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. I should be waking up to kisses from my husband and flowers being delivered at some point in the day. But instead, I'll be on my knees, sifting through pieces, looking for the new piece to fill that blank part in my masterpiece. The piece that previously held Brian. 

The girls and I are rebuilding, one brick at a time. And we have the best project manager a family could wish for. Our Heavenly Father is watching us build our life, our story, one brick, one piece at a time. He is watching us gently lay each brick, each moment, into the canvas that is our life. We are rebuilding life how we want it, life that matches the master plans that God is showing us. We are making the pieces come together to do something great!

Amelia and Emerson are getting to help choose the pieces. And someday they will break their pieces off and independently work towards their own creations. They will have moments where their art starts to crumble. Where they won't know if it's worth starting over. And if you ever see them in those moments stop and help them with their pieces. We need each other sometimes and we need your signature, your touch on our lives, in our creations!

So tomorrow, I will keep building, making new memories for August 5th, but I will also be sad for the pieces that were there and are no longer part of my final product. I miss my husband pieces. I miss Brian and the life we were supposed to have together. I know that I had to have those pieces, though, to get the pieces that I have today! The Amelia and Emerson pieces are my favorite part of the design right now! 

Piece by piece...with the help from my master designer, I will keep putting my pieces together to make my masterpiece! I will keep moving forward, one piece at a time. And I pray that no one bumps the table and send it all crashing down again. But, if that happens, my Heavenly Father will be there to scoop me out of the rubble, set me on my feet, and hand me that first brick to start rebuilding. I am strong and I am smart and I am faithful. I know the final product will be well worth the struggle of putting it together!

Piece by piece...