There's a Tree...

When I have something that weighs heavy on my heart and soul and mind, I have a tendency to take it out on my sleep. I don't sleep well when I am dealing with things. It just doesn't happen. I mull it over and stew and think and pray and read and plead with God. All. Night. Long. When stuff happened with Brian I developed the habit of pacing. I pace around my house all night long sometimes, talking to myself, praying to God, as if walking 100 miles a night is going to get me closer to the solutions I so desperately want. 

Last night was a pacing night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shut off my brain. I couldn't stop the flow of tears that washed over me and over me again. So I paced. And prayed. And cried. And asked God to take control of the situation that I am struggling with. 

As I was pacing my house a voice encouraged me to pause by my front entryway. In my entryway, hanging on the wall, are four signs that I bought after Brian died, to remind me of the virtues I felt were strong in my home and in my family. One is a picture of a nest that says  "The home is a nest where love is found to be." The next, a bird, that declares "To our children we give two things, one is roots and the other is wings." One with a tree on it tells us "The tree will always be there for the family tree is home." And the last, a close up view of birch trees that reads, "Our family tree thrives in strength and love. With every bud and every branch the tree grows. Every joy shared adds more love and every storm faced together only makes the tree grow stronger."

My family tree. I come from a long line of amazing people. They have been strong in adversity. They have fought hard battles to survive life as it comes at them. They are a family of wise, strong, courageous people. 

My personal family tree branches off of those people. The three women that live in my household, our tree is also strong. We have deep roots that press down into our Lord and Savior. We have that foundational root system that grows deep. Our little tree of three has many branches to it. My parents. My sister and her family. They love us and they bolster our tree with branches to make us grow big and strong. 

Then there are the branches that have been grafted to our tree. Friends and loved ones that have become more than just friends and loved ones. People that have been accepted and absorbed by our tree. People that have withstood the storms in our life that have made us stronger. People that mean the world to us. That love us and know us and want what is best for us. People that have put solid roots down next to us to hold us upright when life got super stormy. 

When I was growing up, our favorite days were spent camping at Kalaloch. We would wake up on any given day of our vacation and walk far, far down the beach as a family. Oftentimes we would walk so far we'd get caught by the tide and have to spend the day swimming and playing in the secret cove that was just ours. On the walk, my mama and I would walk together and hold hands and sing. We loved to sing and harmonize together. One of our favorite songs was a song by country artist Tanya Tucker called "Strong Enough to Bend." The song starts out with these words:

"There's a tree out in the backyard 

That never has been broken by the wind. 

And the reason it's still standing 

It was strong enough to bend."

Strong enough to bend. My tree, bolstered by the love and faith and peace and hope of family and friends was strong enough to bend. My tree, deeply rooted in love and faith and peace and hope in my Heavenly Father was strong enough to bend. We didn't break. We didn't topple over. We were strong enough to bend. 

The current situation that I am facing has me pacing again. And God has me watching the walls for messages from Him. This message was important. This message feeds right into the motto we have developed: Stronger Everyday! Our roots and branches are being blown and buffeted, twisted and tangled by the fierce storm that is upon us at this time. We cling to each other and cling to Father God and pray that we can outlast the storm. But we will! God will see to it that we do! Because He has walked us down paths in a journey that we wouldn't wish on anyone. Step by step He was there conducting our dance through evil and pain and heartache. And He is here, doing the same for this round of evil and pain and heartache too. 

But our message in the mess? We are strong enough to bend! We are strong in the Lord! And we are STRONGER EVERYDAY!!

Love, blessings, and strength to bend to all of my family and friends. No matter what you're going through, let me plant myself next to you, bolster you up, and help you ride out the storm. Stronger Everyday!

If I Could Turn Back Time...

October is a month that I would prefer was just bypassed on the calendar. If it weren't for football and my mom's birthday and Halloween fun with my girls, I would be perfectly content to tuck myself in bed on September 30th and not wake up until November 1st. It would be perfectly fine with me to just completely flip the calendar past this whole month. 

I have told myself for the last six years that it's just a page on the calendar. It's just a number. It's just squares on a calendar, easily eradicated from the page with a simple red-line X, marking the day off forever. If only forgetting were as simple as that. If only October 18th could be erased from the calendar as a day that never existed. If only I didn't drag myself through the beginning half of the month, to the 18th of the month, knowing that this date will forever be the date that my husband chose death over life. The day that he decided that life wasn't worth living. The day that he died.

I will say that this year has been the easiest in terms of reliving my grief and heartache. I have grown so much over the last year and learned so much about myself. I also have had the heartache of a different worry to keep my mind distracted from the details of this time period. My days and nights have been filled with prayers and praise and thinking of other people, which has lended itself to me thinking of other things, being distracted from what was looming, until my Heavenly Father called attention to it yesterday morning on the treadmill, and planned the writing of this blog post with me. 

The realization that we had made it to the time hit me a bit like a ton of bricks. In the middle of my run I realized that I was only a day away from what could easily be one of the most difficult days of my life. And kickstarted some of my lowest, darkest days. 

With any anniversary I feel like you are led to a period of reflection. The anniversary of a death is no different. As I now sit firmly in the day of the 18th I think back six years ago. Six years! This is one of those situations where it seems like just yesterday on one hand, but it also seems like a million years have passed since that day. I feel like I will forever be able to close my eyes and walk through the events of those days. My faithful side realizes that this is and was all part of God's plan. That He knew how this was all going to play out and He had a purpose in each of us going through what we went through. My doubting side looks at all of this and thinks, "Why did this happen? What did I miss? I should have looked closer. Paid more attention. What if..."

If only I could reverse time! If only I could go back to certain moments that I now look at and see was part of the journey that led us to October 18th, 2010. If I could go back to July 2010 and stop things that happened. If I could go back to October 1st on the couch with my husband. What would I change about words we exchanged? Would I still ask him to leave? What if I hadn't walked to work the next day? What if my sweet friend Kim hadn't been in her office? What if I could have fixed it then?  What if...

What if I had seen the double car payment earlier in the day on the 18th and realized it was part of his last day plan? What if I had called him? What if I never forget the phone ringing and his mother asking me where he could have gone, that they found notes in his room? What if I hadn't taken my parents and drove to Sequim that night? What if I never had to stand in a front door and have a police officer tell me they had found my husband's body? What if...

The what ifs will drive you insane and maybe I let them do just that for a while. I was a lost person for a few years. If my friends and family hadn't stood at my side and dragged me through for a while I'm not sure where I would be today. If I didn't have two beautiful little girls living with me and depending on me as their sole-surviving parent, my journey could have been very different than it was. 

Ecclesiates Chapter 3 speaks to the what ifs:

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain and a time to lose; A time to keep and a time to throw away; A time to tear and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace."

God has perfect timing. He knows what we need, when we need it. Throughout this journey I've learned that to everything there is a season. He has every part of our lives planned out for us. He knows what is going to happen before we even think it's going to happen. Does it always make sense? No! Especially when we are in the depths of the despair of the moment. When Brian died and my world was turned upside down, I certainly did not cling to this verse, or any verse in particular. I was sad and reeling and angry and confused and hurt. And I didn't understand why any of it was happening. I couldn't understand how in the blink of an eye, my entire existence had changed, had been taken away from me. Now that I am six years out on this journey, I see his love and protection and purpose in all this! The message in my mess! The testimony in my test!  To everything there is a season! And I am a new, beautiful, reborn person because of all that happened in the last six years. My children are strong, independent, amazing little people because of all that happened in the last six years. My faith is deeply and firmly rooted in my Heavenly Father and for the first time in a long time, I see not just THE purpose in all that we have been through, but I see MY purpose in this life!

If I could turn back time, would I do it? Maybe for some pieces, but I don't feel like those pieces are from God. The pieces that want to turn back time are pieces of regret and shame and guilt and blame. The what ifs that are overwhelming if you choose to live there. I am firmly planted in the today! I don't want to turn back time because I like the outcome of the time I have marched through. I love where I am at in this day! I love who I have grown into and who I continue to grow to be. I am strong and resilient and growing leaps and bounds in my faith daily. And I get to pay it forward! I get to share this message with all of you, but I also get to now today take the hands of the people that are most dear to me and walk them through what might be their worst October ever. I get to share His divine plan and His timing with someone else that will remember these days as days to erase off the calendar forever. I get to deliver a message of hope and a future because I have made it to the other side. And I don't want to go backwards anymore. 

God's perfect plan! God's perfect timing! To everything there is a season! And I hope that no matter where you are on your journey, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what you are going through, you can see that there is a divine plan for you! Don't wish to turn back time! Enjoy the season you are in right now! Don't dread a date on a calendar, for that date has or had a specific purpose to create you into who you are today! 

To everything there is a season...don't wish to turn back time! Pray to have your eyes opened to the purpose of the time you are in right this very second!

October 18th...just a day. Just the day that was the beginning of me being a new creation in Him! What a blessing this day should be celebrated as! What a blessing!

So it's not if I could turn back time, but rather if I could live for today! His plan! His timing! His peace! His love! His joy! His timing...

Let's leave October where it is for now. I'm learning to like it more every year. 

Shelter from the Storm...

This post finds me sitting in a chair in my living room, staring out the window, watching for signs of the impending storm the weather people have been predicting for days now. A gust of wind here and there. A sudden burst of rain against the windows. Bits and pieces of weather trying to come together to create the storm we've been promised. 

I have always loved storms. Thunder and lightning and wind and rain. I love being cozy in the house watching from my chair. Hearing the rain on the roof. Watching clusters of leaves blowing across the yard. Watching the multi-colored clouds blow quickly through the darkened sky, swirling and moving and creating fluffy painted scenes on the horizon. 

God blessed me with two little girls who are my light and my life. They do not share my love of storms. They stare at the window and see angry skies. They cover their ears with every crash of thunder. Hide their eyes at every bright flash of lightning. They hold their breath with every gust of wind that forces it's way into every inch of our home. They are afraid. They are scared. They don't share my love of storms. 

Scrolling through my Facebook page, I have seen video after video of storm footage. Waterfalls swelling. Water rushing down the street. And maybe most impressive are the videos of the oceans and bays in our area. Giant, crashing waves, huge swells, white caps, blowing foam. Many might see that footage and see fear and darkness and and terror. I see God. Hope and light and power and peace!

Those videos are just like real life. One second the ocean is clear and flat and crystal blue. Smooth sailing to wherever you are aiming to head. Clear waters and clear sky looking toward the horizon from all directions. Suddenly, the skies turn dark, wind and waves begins swirling and raging, waves get bigger and seem to swell out of the ocean, and soon you are staring at walls of waves on either side. You try to steer your ship, waiting for the waves to crash down around you and take your ship out. 

God promises us that He is in the storm. He is with us in the storm, the storm that is raging outside of my living room right now and the storms of life that are swirling all around me. He is there. He is there as I watch my patio table blow across the deck. He is there as the trees are swaying back and forth across the street. He's there as I slowly come up on the anniversary of the death of my husband. He is there as I hold my friend and cry with her over the diagnosis of her husband's cancerous tumor. He is there as they walk through the steps toward treatment and healing for him. He is there as we fervently pray for the miracles that we know God is so very capable of. 

Psalm 107:28-31 says, "Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, So that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven. Oh that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!" Amen! He calms the storm! He calms the storms of life. He brings us out of our distresses. We only need to call His name! We only need to call out to Him in our trouble and He will bring us through. 

So, as I watch the storm swirling all around outside my window, I know that God will protect me and my family.  He will keep us safe from the swirling winds, the torrential rain, the flying debris. God will protect my heart as I march toward October 18th, keeping me from falling into the depths of darkness. God will protect my friend and her family and my family as we all walk through the storm we are heading toward. 

The storms will rage on in life. Both literal storms and the storms that blow our way on the course of life. We may be scared and worry that we won't survive. We may feel like we're going to drown in all the waves that are buffeting us from all sides. We may lose sight of the course we are on, lose our way, be unsure of how and where to navigate. We don't have to worry about any of that! God will calm the storm, and our hearts. God will walk us through and ensure we survive. God will scoop us out of the storm and lift us to His high places. He will guide us in the direction we are supposed to go. 

The best part about storms? They don't last forever. You need to sit tight, hold on, and keep your faith that God will carry you through! He calms the storm. Trust Him that He delivers on His promises! He will scoop you out of the storm and cradle you in His loving arms! Have faith! Be of good courage! Look for the rainbow! And feel the presence of God in the storm!

Just Breathe...

Oxygen is essential for life. You need to breathe...in...out...in...out...repeat for your whole life. So I've always thought it was strange that when I get stuck in fight or flight mode I sometimes hold my breath. Or when something scares me. Or when I'm heading into a flashback or a panic attack. The breath in me leaves and I don't breathe.

We need oxygen! We need to breathe! I also find it funny that when I'm stressed these days, my first instinct is to run. That used to mean run away! Now it means run on the treadmill. Running is another activity that takes your breath away. Or at least mine! The longer I run, the more my lungs begin to burn and I find myself gasping for breath at times. But, I'm always taken care of and make it to the end of my run, breathing intact. 

My running time on the treadmill is my quiet time with God. I've mentioned this before in these posts. I turn on some form of worship music and I have a conversation with God. Many of these conversations lead to posts. Today's for certain was written with God to post here. 

This morning at 5:00 a.m., my friend and other dad, Clay, went in for a biopsy on a tumor in his brain. The text I got telling me that he had a tumor was another thing that took my breath away. And then my God whispered in my ear "Just breathe," and I knew this was all in His hands. This morning I sent a "praying for you" text to Melody when I woke up and started my run. The first few minutes of walking were ok. Then I started running. And then the tears started falling as I poured my heart out to my God, lifting them all up in prayer, asking for Him to cover them all with His wings, praying for steady hands for the doctors and a sure plan for recovery. Asking him to shrink and take away the tumor. And suddenly I found myself without breath. Running and crying really don't mix very well and my breath was hard to catch. And then...

The album I have been listening to a lot lately is Michael W. Smith's album Worship. The songs are soothing and bring me peace. In the middle of my prayer and my difficult time breathing, his song called Breathe came on, just in time. The first line of the song is "This is the air I breathe..." God's air. The air that He provides in the moments when it takes all my effort to remember the simple ins and outs of how breathing works. 

This is the air I breathe...His air for me fills my lungs and the Holy Spirit fills my heart and I am brought peace and grace and hope and all the wonderful feelings of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. 

And with each breath that He breathes into me, I declare a prayer! The world is such a chaotic mess right now! Politics and war. Clowns and hurricanes. The whole world needs a prayer! You could pray a different prayer with every breath you took and still not cover everything that needs prayer!

Well, I need prayer for my little corner of the world! I need prayer for Clay. I need prayer for Melody and Kristi and Dale. I need prayer for the miracle that God is oh so capable of! Inoperable tumors seem like a gigantic wall of fear and darkness and hopelessness, but when God's air is breathed on it, it is one more mess for our message! One more test for our testimony!

So pray! Don't know how? Find a friend! Hold hands! And just send positive thoughts out to Clay! Don't know what to say? Don't say anything! Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and just feel the Holy Spirit fill your heart and your soul and your minds. Turn on some music and just pour your heart out to Him. 

And while the prayers I hold for Clay and Melody and their entire family are the most urgent prayers I have for the week, perhaps there are urgent prayers you have in your life also! Share them here with us so that we may add those in too! For God hears them all! And answers them all! So share your prayers with us!  So that we may all breathe together, and pray for our needs according to His will!

Keep breathing! And keep praying! Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three are a gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." Let's join together in prayer!

And keep my family in Seattle on your list please! They mean the world to me and they need the comfort and peace and hope that our prayers being more than ever. 

Just breathe...and whisper a prayer with each breath you take.

This is the air I breathe...