I have told myself for the last six years that it's just a page on the calendar. It's just a number. It's just squares on a calendar, easily eradicated from the page with a simple red-line X, marking the day off forever. If only forgetting were as simple as that. If only October 18th could be erased from the calendar as a day that never existed. If only I didn't drag myself through the beginning half of the month, to the 18th of the month, knowing that this date will forever be the date that my husband chose death over life. The day that he decided that life wasn't worth living. The day that he died.
I will say that this year has been the easiest in terms of reliving my grief and heartache. I have grown so much over the last year and learned so much about myself. I also have had the heartache of a different worry to keep my mind distracted from the details of this time period. My days and nights have been filled with prayers and praise and thinking of other people, which has lended itself to me thinking of other things, being distracted from what was looming, until my Heavenly Father called attention to it yesterday morning on the treadmill, and planned the writing of this blog post with me.
The realization that we had made it to the time hit me a bit like a ton of bricks. In the middle of my run I realized that I was only a day away from what could easily be one of the most difficult days of my life. And kickstarted some of my lowest, darkest days.
With any anniversary I feel like you are led to a period of reflection. The anniversary of a death is no different. As I now sit firmly in the day of the 18th I think back six years ago. Six years! This is one of those situations where it seems like just yesterday on one hand, but it also seems like a million years have passed since that day. I feel like I will forever be able to close my eyes and walk through the events of those days. My faithful side realizes that this is and was all part of God's plan. That He knew how this was all going to play out and He had a purpose in each of us going through what we went through. My doubting side looks at all of this and thinks, "Why did this happen? What did I miss? I should have looked closer. Paid more attention. What if..."
If only I could reverse time! If only I could go back to certain moments that I now look at and see was part of the journey that led us to October 18th, 2010. If I could go back to July 2010 and stop things that happened. If I could go back to October 1st on the couch with my husband. What would I change about words we exchanged? Would I still ask him to leave? What if I hadn't walked to work the next day? What if my sweet friend Kim hadn't been in her office? What if I could have fixed it then? What if...
What if I had seen the double car payment earlier in the day on the 18th and realized it was part of his last day plan? What if I had called him? What if I never forget the phone ringing and his mother asking me where he could have gone, that they found notes in his room? What if I hadn't taken my parents and drove to Sequim that night? What if I never had to stand in a front door and have a police officer tell me they had found my husband's body? What if...
The what ifs will drive you insane and maybe I let them do just that for a while. I was a lost person for a few years. If my friends and family hadn't stood at my side and dragged me through for a while I'm not sure where I would be today. If I didn't have two beautiful little girls living with me and depending on me as their sole-surviving parent, my journey could have been very different than it was.
Ecclesiates Chapter 3 speaks to the what ifs:
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain and a time to lose; A time to keep and a time to throw away; A time to tear and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace."
God has perfect timing. He knows what we need, when we need it. Throughout this journey I've learned that to everything there is a season. He has every part of our lives planned out for us. He knows what is going to happen before we even think it's going to happen. Does it always make sense? No! Especially when we are in the depths of the despair of the moment. When Brian died and my world was turned upside down, I certainly did not cling to this verse, or any verse in particular. I was sad and reeling and angry and confused and hurt. And I didn't understand why any of it was happening. I couldn't understand how in the blink of an eye, my entire existence had changed, had been taken away from me. Now that I am six years out on this journey, I see his love and protection and purpose in all this! The message in my mess! The testimony in my test! To everything there is a season! And I am a new, beautiful, reborn person because of all that happened in the last six years. My children are strong, independent, amazing little people because of all that happened in the last six years. My faith is deeply and firmly rooted in my Heavenly Father and for the first time in a long time, I see not just THE purpose in all that we have been through, but I see MY purpose in this life!
If I could turn back time, would I do it? Maybe for some pieces, but I don't feel like those pieces are from God. The pieces that want to turn back time are pieces of regret and shame and guilt and blame. The what ifs that are overwhelming if you choose to live there. I am firmly planted in the today! I don't want to turn back time because I like the outcome of the time I have marched through. I love where I am at in this day! I love who I have grown into and who I continue to grow to be. I am strong and resilient and growing leaps and bounds in my faith daily. And I get to pay it forward! I get to share this message with all of you, but I also get to now today take the hands of the people that are most dear to me and walk them through what might be their worst October ever. I get to share His divine plan and His timing with someone else that will remember these days as days to erase off the calendar forever. I get to deliver a message of hope and a future because I have made it to the other side. And I don't want to go backwards anymore.
God's perfect plan! God's perfect timing! To everything there is a season! And I hope that no matter where you are on your journey, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what you are going through, you can see that there is a divine plan for you! Don't wish to turn back time! Enjoy the season you are in right now! Don't dread a date on a calendar, for that date has or had a specific purpose to create you into who you are today!
To everything there is a season...don't wish to turn back time! Pray to have your eyes opened to the purpose of the time you are in right this very second!
October 18th...just a day. Just the day that was the beginning of me being a new creation in Him! What a blessing this day should be celebrated as! What a blessing!
So it's not if I could turn back time, but rather if I could live for today! His plan! His timing! His peace! His love! His joy! His timing...
Let's leave October where it is for now. I'm learning to like it more every year.
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