Just Forget the World

I have developed an internal mantra to help me cope with the day-to-day craziness that this world throws at me. I have written about it many times, and I preach it to my children often. "Be kind for we are all fighting battles..." Kindness goes a long way. And I don't think there is any other season in the year that screams and begs for kindness than Christmas. But it also seems to be the time of year where everyone is busy, things are chaotic, and patience runs thin. An example: I was driving through the Costco parking lot when a truck did not stop and raced across the road to the next aisle of parking spaces. My first reaction, with my children in the car, was to scowl and say (out loud) "Thanks for cutting me off, jerk face." And then, I sucked in my breath, asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness and then out loud said "I'm sorry for saying that. Merry Christmas." He couldn't hear either one of those exchanges. But I knew about them and I wasn't kind in my first reaction. 

Being kind is hard. Especially when you have your own stuff to contend with. I was trying to get a spot near the store so I could just run in and grab my gift and run back home. But maybe he was trying to do the same. We all start our moments with our own agendas. We all start thinking only of getting from point A to point B quickly and safely. We don't realize sometimes that there are millions upon millions of people in this world with a similar agenda. 

This reality came crashing down all around me this morning. This morning, I had to work hard to be kind. I had to work hard to see the perspective of other people. People that I didn't want to see their perspective or maybe even be kind to them. Who are these people? My in-laws. 

When Brian passed away there was a lot of hate and discontent. There were a lot of little events that were direct domino effects from Brian's suicide. Brian killed himself and as if that wasn't bad enough, there were a lot of things happening on the peripheral that were just as crushing as that first initial event. 

Even though I write a blog I am a very private person. My very best friends might argue with me because once I am comfortable with someone I spill my guts to anyone who will listen, but it takes me a while to share with people. And there are events that happened during that time that only my closest people know about. Some of those events triggered hate and discontent between my family and my in-laws. We were all reeling, working so very hard to simply get from point A to point B, but not really even knowing where point B was. I felt like I was wandering aimlessly through life, hoping I eventually made it to point B. And by the grace of God, and the help of family and friends, we made it to point B. We staggered out of the wilderness and landed in a place of peace and grace and mercy, knowing that we were safe and comfortable and that God was going to carry us through. 

This morning we did Christmas with my in-laws. We met at the McDonalds in Poulsbo because I need boundaries in my home and I need to feel safe and I need my children to feel safe.  So that happens on public turf so that it takes it out of the home that we have worked so hard to make our refuge on a time of chaos.

Sitting at the table and watching them and hearing them talk about their lives made me realize how much kindness they need. The lines and the age across their faces tell the story about the last six years. I was reeling losing a husband and the joy of a future as a family. They lost a brother and a son and an uncle and a grandson. I was learning secret after secret and trying to figure out how to build my life over from the ground up. They were trying to figure out how their life was going to look in the chaos and the trials also. We were all trying to get from point A to point B. Watching them all today I think they are still trying to figure out how to get to point B. They looked sad and lost and hopeless and my heart broke for them.


It has impacted me all day. Thinking about my life and how much it has changed and thinking about their lives and how much they have changed. One life event was the catalyst to a whole series of events, and still triggers events and feelings and emotions for all of us. I don't know that I will ever allow them into my home. I don't know that I will ever be able to go to Sequim to see them. I don't know that I will ever be able to interact with them and not have some sort of flashback or memory or anxiety. But, today there was a new feeling. A feeling of sorrow and pity and forgiveness. 

I have been blessed! So very blessed! My journey has not been easy, but I have fought and clawed and prayed my way to where I am today. I am confident in who I am and I love the family that I have raised. Looking at them I had to desire to share with them the life that I have found. The peace of God, which passes all understanding. The joy of being a daughter of the King! He heals! He redeems! He carried me through and set me up on my feet. I am in such a good place right now and I know that I am here because of Him and the relationship that I have forged with Him. 

Listening to the damage that continues on their life, and being someone that wants to fix everything, I have been praying for them since we left them. Praying that God will intervene on their lives and bring them the peace that He is capable of. Praying that God would place forgiveness in my heart so that I may approach them with how good life can be. Praying that God would help me realize that they are lost like I was, and simply looking for their Point B where they can finally exist in the world and not wish to forget the world. Because I've been to that point. The point where I just want to crawl into bed and forget the world, and hope that the world would just forget me also. 

My heart hurts for them. They lost someone that day six years ago too. And they are just trying to find point B still. I hope and pray that God has a plan for them to find their point B. I know He does! He is amazing and powerful and so very loving. And maybe it's my job to help them find point B. Or maybe it's simply my job to be kind and pray. They are fighting intense battles still. And my heart hurts for them because I know just how lost you can get on this journey. So I forgive. And I pray. And I cry tears for them. And I plead that God will guide them in their journey just as He guided me in mine, and continues to guide me in mine. 

I will also continue to pray for guidance in this journey as I work to forgive and want them to continue on their journey, but also guard my heart and my soul and my mind. I don't want to sacrifice my progress, the progress of my family, for anyone else's progress. But I do want the joy that I have experienced for them. 

So my advice to them, and to anyone else that might be struggling to get from point A to point B? Just forget the world, and turn instead to Our Heavenly Father for guidance and direction. He has the map to your life path. He knows where He wants and needs you to go. You might as well just turn to Him for directions. 

My thoughts and prayers are with my inlaws. And with all people fighting battles. We all need kindness. We all need help in fighting those battles. And we all need Jesus. He'll carry you through. He'll carry them through. He'll carry us through. We just have to let Him! Forget the world. But be kind. For we are all fighting battles...

Tis the Season...

Six years should be more than enough time to get over anything, don't you think? And all of the lessons for hope and love and joy and happiness I have received and written about should be enough to get me over the rest of whatever is dragging me down, right?  Well, even with new found happiness and so much healing and finding peace there are still days that are just hard. There are still days when all I really want is my best friend and a box of tissues and a couch. In this case I'm settling for a warm bath and a blog post in process instead.

Holidays are my favorite! But they can be so very hard when plans change and the course of life is altered. I miss having a husband to share Christmas secrets with. I miss having someone to help me in the chaos and clutter of the season. Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family who have offered to help me, and I appreciate every one of you, but it's just not the same. Walking through Costco and wondering if this coat for Emerson would be perfect and knowing that I have to make that decision all on my own. Picking up the book for Amelia and wishing I could turn to Brian with elation and show him my find. It's hard when those memories flood in and there's just an outline and a shadow of what could have been.

Past years have been easier for me. This one is harder, I think, because there is so much going on. Breaking my foot was not in the best timing. Our house is not decorated. We decided it would be easier if the boxes just stayed in the shed until next year. We decorated our tree tonight. I held back tears as my excited girls hung ornaments on the tree.  Getting the tree took a lot and I mostly settled on a tree that was close to the top so I wouldn't have to trudge with my crutches through the snow. No lights adorn my tree this year. I wasn't sure which box they were in. I also wasn't sure where our stockings were located so those won't be part of this year's tradition. I told the girls that Santa will pile their gifts for them on the couch. He won't need stockings but I'm still sad about it. Amelia doesn't feel well. My parents are super sick. I realized tonight that I didn't order letters or videos from Santa for my girls. And we haven't even gone to see him yet.

Things this year are different. And I have been working hard to not cry the closer we get to Christmas Day. And then when I pause and think about things, I feel badly because I have so many friends who are hurting and sick and also maybe not looking forward to Christmas. Friends who have lost loved ones in the last few weeks. Friends who are fighting for their lives. Friends who have had life-altering diagnoses in their families. And I feel selfish. I'm worried that my tree has no lights? 

Christmas will still come without those things. And I have very forgiving little girls. They understand why we aren't decorating. They exclaim that this is the best tree ever knowing I'm sad about it. They tell me they don't care about not having their stockings.

These things are not important anyways! Christmas is not about stockings and lights and ornaments. It's not about presents and packages. It's not about any of those things. 

Christmas is about love and faith and peace and hope. Christmas is about the story of a baby that was born to save the world from sin and death and Satan. Christmas is about loving the people that God has sent us. Christmas is about remembering the people that touched our lives and graced earth with their presence, even if it wasn't for long enough. Christmas is about light and life and forgiveness. 

Luke 2 is the Christmas story that matters:  8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.” 

This is the story that matters. This story is what carries me through the days when I want to cry and just close my eyes and just forget the world. This story is what reminds me of the best of my days. This story is where I close my eyes and wait for the miracles of Christmas, the miracles that my friends and family and I hope on. This is the story that reminds me just how much my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and the people that are so important to me. 

Christmas is going to come. The baby is going to be born and we will be reminded of our Savior who was sent to save us. The tears that I cry in sadness and grief will be momentary and will soon be taken over by tears of joy in the promises of mercy and grace and peace from my Father. He doesn't need lights or decorations or fancy dinners. He'll come regardless of all of those things. He'll come to me in my sadness and grief and bolster me up in His love and goodness. And He'll grant healing and comfort to those around me also. 

He is so powerful and so loving. And in my moments in the store or on Christmas Eve when I'm sad about setting up Christmas all alone, He'll remind me that I'm not alone. That He is there with me, loving me, holding me, walking me along the path that He has planned for me. 

I am not alone. And Christmas will still come! There wasn't much fanfare in the stable that night as Jesus lay in the manger in that cold stable surrounded by animals. And Christmas will still come today, without fanfare. We worship the baby. That's all He asks. We remember and worship the baby. “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Amen!

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Life is a funny thing.  So many things happen that remind us that tomorrow is not promised.  Something as simple as foot surgery a few weeks ago brought mortality to the forefront of my mind.  As we did the pre-surgery checklist, they asked me if I had a living will, asked what religion I was and if I wanted a pastor called if anything went wrong, asked who my next of kin was.  All of those questions bring about thinking about the "what ifs" and "what would happens."  Having gone through the experience of Brian killing himself, and not having a will in place for either one of us, and the hassle that brought on to me, I accomplished those tasks for myself shortly after his death, especially knowing that I was the last one around responsible for my daughters.  So, yes I have a living will, and yes I have a last will and testament.  And, since I have you as a captive audience, please take the time to get those things done and in place!  It always seemed like something that was so far off in the distance, and yet in the blink of an eye, my husband was dead and I was left to pick up the pieces.  Without those pieces in place, it was much more difficult to get through that process.  So, my public service announcement is GET IT DONE!

There was a time in my life that I worried a lot about the future.  I worried about what tomorrow would bring.  I worried about what would happen.  I worried about my children and my family and my friends.  I worried about them getting sick or dying or being one more person that would leave me behind here on this earth.  My heart would break into a million pieces each time the phone rang with bad news.  I carried that burden so heavily.  Losing Brian was a huge blow for me, even though I can see the blessings of that process, it was still a moment that sucked the wind out of my sails, and left me shaken and feeling so alone and uncertain. 

Then the call about Tom having cancer.  My other dad and the friend that had been a part of my life for so many years had lung cancer.  And before I knew it, they were telling us he only had a couple months and I couldn't believe it.  Flashbacks and worrying and anxiety filled my heart and my head and I was beside myself with fear and worry.  I didn't know what I would do.  I couldn't believe that I was losing another person, another member of my family.

Fast-forward a couple years and here I am once again, facing the diagnosis of a friend who is more like family.  A brain tumor.  Inoperable.  We'll try this, but there's not much we can do.  And in the beginning of October, I felt the same waves of panic and worry and anxiety and helplessness.  I can't do this again.  I can't go through this and lose another person that is oh so close to my heart.  I wanted to run and panic and stomp my feet, and there are still days that I want to do that, but this time, things are different.  Things are different because I have a friend and a prayer partner that I get to walk this journey with.  We get to listen to what the doctors tell us, and know that Our God is much more powerful than any of the doctors and what they tell us.  We can hear the diagnoses and the prognoses of the doctors and choose to believe God's word instead.  That God can heal Clay.

God has filled my heart and my soul and my mind with peace and hope and love and faith.  Those four pillars, those four attributes of Christian life are carrying us through this journey and things are different.  God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow.  In fact, he tells us that in Matthew 6:34 which says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  We are not supposed to worry about tomorrow.  Today has enough worries of its own, but He doesn't want us to worry about today either!  He doesn't want us to worry at all, because He has got us!  He is carrying us through today too! 

Philippians 4:6-7 is one passage in the Bible where God tells us not to worry.  It says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Do not worry.  There are over 300 times in the Bible that God tells us not to worry!  We are not supposed to worry.  We are supposed to trust in His divine plan for our lives.

So, that is how I am choosing to live in this moment.  My friend, and other dad, Clay, finished his last radiation and chemotherapy treatment today for a glioblastoma tumor in his brain.  I will admit that I have been a wreck for parts of this journey, but I am finding myself stronger everyday, as he is also finding himself stronger everyday.  We are choosing to not worry, but to pray instead.  We are choosing to turn to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in this journey, and to walk each other through this time with faith and love and peace and hope.  And prayer!  We are fighting this tumor with prayer and petition to God, our Father.  God is in control of this journey!  And He has promised us TODAY. 

Watching Clay and Melody and their faith on this journey has been miraculous and inspirational.  They are taking one day at a time, to live for Christ, to live as a testimony to Him and His plan for their lives.  And I am humbled and honored to be on this journey with them.  We are celebrating the life and time that Jesus gives us each day.  And I am choosing to reflect that in my own life.  The day that we wake up is the day that God has promised to us.  So, we live the day that we are in to the fullest, and we don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow.  We pray, and we love, and we live to the fullest the day that we are in!

We also pray for complete healing for all of us!  Healing of a broken bone in my foot.  Healing of a cough that Amelia has picked up because, of course, it's Christmas break so one of us should be sick.  Healing of soul wounds that we all pick up on this journey called life.  Healing of a glioblastoma tumor in a brain.  Our Heavenly Father is so very capable of healing all of these!  And we have faith that He will show His healing miracles to each and every one of us, no matter how big or small our concerns are!  God is the God of miracles, and He wants us all to be able to perform in His kingdom!

So, I ask that you pause for today, for this second right now that you are reading this blog post, and pray!  Pray for healing for whatever attacks and assaults the enemy is producing in your lives.  Pray for deliverance from these difficulties.  Pray for healing for your hearts and your souls and your bodies.  Pray for healing for Clay Maxim, that God would dissolve the tumor in his brain and bring Him to complete restoration to function the way God intended for him to function.

Pray for healing for you and your life.  That God would remind you to live for today.  Live in the present moment.  Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings trouble of its own.  Just live in today.  Tomorrow may not come...tomorrow may never come.  Tomorrow didn't come for Brian.  Tomorrow didn't come for Tom.  Tomorrow may not come for us.  So, live for today!  Live for the miracles that God grants us today!  Live for faith and hope and peace and love.  Live to get stronger everyday!  Live for the joy that God grants us in today!  So many blessings abound in each moment of each day!  Pause to look for those moments!  Pause to look for those blessings!  Pause to pray for those blessings!  Find a prayer partner to share in those moments, a friend, a bestie, someone you can share your walk with!  And pray for today.

Tomorrow may never come and when I think too far into that, that is where my worry and my angst begin, and those thoughts and feelings are not from God.  So, I turn my mind to today.  Tomorrow may never come, but I'm not thinking about that.  I'm too busy loving and living for today!  Loving the people that God blessed me with, and enjoying the minutes of today where I get to hold them and love them and pray for them.  If tomorrow never comes...that's OK because I know that I lived for today...

A Lamp Unto my Feet...

My phone upgraded about a week ago in the middle of the night.  I didn't want it to.  And I was even more mad when I went to write a blog post, and found out that the Blogger app is no longer compatible with my new iPhone upgrade.  What?!  I don't blog on the computer.  I blog on my phone.   When Father God tells me it's time to write, I grab my phone and write.  And although I do own a computer, God seems to have a sense of humor when it's time to write, and it's not usually when and where I have access to my computer.  So, I have access to my computer right now.  I was scrolling through Facebook, and messaging friends, and e-mailing family.  And I heard..."Uhh...how about you blog since you're sitting there.  No excuses, Duncan!"  So...here I sit in front of the computer, blogging.  I hope it flows as well as it does when I'm on my phone app.  My OCD is showing maybe!

A Lamp Unto my Feet...that title was given to me a week ago, the morning of the big upgrade.  I knew what I was supposed to write about and I grabbed my phone, only to have my app shut down on me a few times.  Then, a courtesy pop-up on my phone, telling me that my Blogger app wasn't compatible.  So, I've had a few opportunities to think about this blog over the week.  And tweak it and stew about it and write it over and over in my mind.  So, I sit here in front of the computer, ready to roll.

Saturday, November 5th, was just another Saturday.  We had Nutcracker rehearsal at the dance school.  When we were finished, I came home and ran 5 miles, cooked dinner, and cleaned up my kitchen.  I remembered that there were some dishes from a snack I had made the girls on the living room table so I walked through my kitchen towards the dining room, stepping over the box that I had just unloaded the contents of into my freezer.  I didn't see the coat on the floor on the other side of the box, stepped on it, slipped, and ended up on the ground in the entryway to my back door.  I laid there, trying to assess the damage to myself.  A shoe jabbing into my side.  My ribs seems fine.  Fully landing on my already weird hip joint.  I could move my leg perfectly, although it was sore.  I seemed ok.  I mustered up the energy to stand up when I felt searing pain in my right foot.  I hobbled to a chair, took off my shoe, and knew something was wrong.  Long story short, I broke my foot.  A few x-rays, a boot and crutches, and a specialist later, I now know my foot requires surgery.

I have tried to maintain a positive outlook through this experience.  It's not a big deal.  It's just a foot.  It could be so much worse.  I'll be FINE!  But there are moments of frustration.  The hassle of using crutches or a walker or just having to sit.  The pain each time I take my foot in and out of my boot.  The fear and slight panic of having to have surgery done.  The constant reminder in my bedroom of a treadmill that is sitting idle, after all of my hard work and dedication to a healthier me.  The loss that I feel for that piece seems to get stronger as the days pass.

But I know that God has led me to this moment for a reason.  He has prepared me for this moment, and has laid out a plan for me.  For the last few weeks, I have clearly heard the message BE STILL!  It has been whispered into my ear, placed all over Facebook posts and memes, written on pictures on walls of places I have been.  And I would smile and nod my head and say, "Yes, I know.  Be still!"  But I didn't do anything to make myself still necessarily.  This has made me slow down, even if for a few moments in time.

My Grandma Kubert's favorite verse was Psalm 119:105:  Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  To this day, when we sing this song in church, my dad's eyes well up with tears as he remembers his momma.  I have done a lot of reading devotionals and reading the Bible and praying lately.  And not being able to do much and having to be still in a chair for a while has only worked to increase this habit.  And it is so true!  Everything that I am going through, everything that the people I love are going through, has an answer in His word.  And God provides us those answers and insights at the exact moment that we need them, a light unto our paths.  The journey that I have been on over the last few years has led us to certain moments in our lives, and I can look back and see these moments for what they are - lessons and blessings from Our Heavenly Father as He guides me down the path for my life.  And this little broken foot?  This is no different!  There is a message in this mess.  There is a lesson for me in this situation.  God uses everything that we go through for His good!  There is something good that is going to come out of this test also!  A testimony for others?  Maybe!  A message for someone that is struggling?  Perhaps!  But I already can see the writing on the wall for me as I read through that Psalm one more time.  "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." 

I needed God to shine the light on my path that day.  I needed to know there was a danger to me on the other side of that box.  I needed His light to illuminate the coat that I was about to slip on.  If I had just slowed down.  If I had walked around the box instead of hurdling over it.  If I had broken down the box and kept the path clear in the first place.  God is showing us each and every day the messages that He has, the promises that He provides, and the light that He illuminates our paths with.  It's up to us to slow down, be still, pay attention, and notice His good word and good works all around us.

Times are tough for so many right now.  My prayer list is bursting at the seams with hurting, helpless, and hopeless people.  But, the good news is right in front of us!  So many times each and every day, I am led to God's word for direct words, direct instruction, direct prayers that are given to us by our Heavenly Father.  We only need to stop and look and see what He has done and what He has given us. I am left in awe and shaking my head sometimes at the wonder and beauty of His timing and His messages.  I might be struggling with something in my day, and I hear a verse, or I see a devotional and it's exactly what I need to hear at that moment.  I'm having doubts and the tears are falling freely, and I hear a song on the radio, reminding me of the strength and courage that only he provides.  I'm frustrated with seeing my treadmill collecting dust and all of the work that I put into getting myself to where I am today.  And he reminds me how much harder crutches would be with 60 extra pounds on my body.  Or how much harder this recovery and process would be if I hadn't been in such good shape when it happened.  The last time I had surgery I was fat and sick and tired.  The doctor called me in to do an evaluation on my throat and my neck because they thought I was too fat to have the surgery that I needed.  I was humiliated, but not enough to do anything about it.  This time?  There was no questioning whether or not I could have the surgery.  People are telling me to slow down on my crutches.  I am strong and powerful and resilient and I will get through this!  And, before you know it, I will be back on Week 1, Day 1 of my couch to 5K app, and I'll be back to the person that I have grown to love!

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.  I know the way that I need to take!  God clearly marks out every step He has in mind for me!  And as long as I am obedient to Him, I will walk with confidence and joy in His promises.  I know that path that he has me on!  I can clearly see the destination that He has in mind for me.  And I am walking this path, one step at a time...just maybe on crutches for a while...

Let Freedom Ring...

Emerson was laying in bed the other night and suddenly burst into tears. I flipped the light on and sat up. 

"Honey, what's wrong?"

"I picked the wrong person!" she sobbed into her tiny hands. 

"What?" I was thoroughly confused. 

"I picked the wrong person!" 

"What are you talking about?"

Through tear-stained cheeks she lamented, "We voted in school today to pick the people we wanted as president and I picked the wrong one!" her little body wracked in sobs. 

For the next twenty minutes or so, we discussed who she had picked, why she picked that person, and why she thought she had picked wrongly. We talked about the Democratic process and how we get to vote for whoever we want to vote for, and that as long as we had taken that vote seriously, had asked our Father to guide our vote, and were convicted about the person we were choosing, there wasn't a "wrong" choice. 

I maybe didn't agree with the words I was saying whole-heartedly as the thought of having to draw a closing line on my ballot for either Hillary or Donald made me physically ill. I sat in front of my ballot for probably not less than weeks thinking, praying, asking my Heavenly Father what was best for our country, what followed His will. 

Tonight as I read through my Facebook feed, I realize that I have a lot of angry and disappointed friends. Friends that are worried and scared. Friends that are casting their "shame on you, America" words to their counterparts that potentially cast a vote for Donald Trump. I am heartbroken that in a time when we should be bonding together and praying for this great nation, we are lashing out in anger at each other, already pointing fingers, accusing the people that voted for Trump of being stupid and ignorant and backwards. 

We need to stop! This needs to stop! This country was founded on turmoil and strife. We were built on Revolutionary Wars and a nation declaring its freedom from oppressors. We have been torn down to our core numerous times in the past and we have risen from the ashes and become a nation united, a people bonded by the common fact that we are Americans! And we are resilient!!

We are not who our president is! We are beautiful, loving people with amazing potential. We are the sum of the citizens of this great country, United together in faith and hope and peace and love. 

We don't need Hillary to be our president to be "Stronger Together." And we certainly don't need Donald to "Make America Great Again." We have the potential for both of those things no matter who our leader is because We, the People, of the United States of America are a brave people. We are a wise people. We are a strong people. We are people together, fighting to save this country and fighting to save our relationships. 

So, I implore you to stop with the divisiveness! Stop with the unkindness and the anger. Stop with the hate and let's bond together NOW! Bond together to heal this nation and get her back on the path to being the greatest nation in the world. You know what I did see in those Facebook posts? Passion! So much passion! Let's channel that, and use that, and bond together, and fight to save this great nation!

As we look towards the end of this week, let's focus on what has really made our country stronger, and the people that are really responsible for our freedoms and making America great - our Veterans! They fought for us in each growing pain toward freedom in this country. They fought for us to keep us safe. They fought for us so that we might rest in peace at night while they sacrifice their time and families and some of them ultimately, their lives. Donald Trump may have won the election. But HE does not define who we are as a nation. We do! We, the people! We are what makes America great! We are what is needed to get this country back on track.

As I watched the election results come in on the television, I had an overwhelming sense of peace. Why? Because I've been focusing a lot on Psalm 27:1 throughout this election and campaign process. It says, "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Peace...not fear! Peace! I have faith that God will protect us. I have faith that God will bless our president, no matter who that may be. I have faith that this will make us stronger! I have faith that Father God has a plan for me, for my friends and loved ones, and for this country! We will move forward in faith and peace and hope and love and we will become stronger together and we will make America great again. 

So let's stop with hateful, angered talk!  Enough with the fighting and bickering and blaming!  Be done with attacking each other! Put down those feelings, and just know that God is in control! He's got this! And He's got us...right in the palm of His hand. 

I am grateful this election season is over, and I speak peace over the times that are to come and I pray for our great nation! As we embark on this new adventure as a country, I stand here today and declare that "I'm with HIM!" My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! For through Him, I am made stronger everyday, and I have faith that He will make our country stronger everyday as well! Stand with me! Peace, hope, faith, love...I'm with Him! Amen!)

Picture Perfect

Photographs are an interesting medium. A picture is a snapshot in time, a glimpse inside the lives of the person or people that are the subject of the photo. Often I find myself staring into the eyes of people in a photograph, wondering what was going on behind the scenes of their lives when that particular photo was snapped. Were they happy? Was something wrong and they were faking the smile for the camera? Was the photo staged or was it by chance snapped in a moment?  Pictures are an important part of how we maintain memories of people and events. 

When Brian and I got married, we talked often about having photos taken. I had been married all of maybe three hours when I got pregnant with Amelia, I believe. We would lay in bed together and talk excitedly about having a baby to take pictures of and share with the world. It was a wonderful dream! So every November, I would call and make our appointment at JC Penneys to have our family Christmas photos taken. Then we would eagerly sit after the session and choose which pictures would be perfect for our Christmas cards. It was something I looked forward to every holiday season.

And then Brian died, two months shy of our first family-of-four opportunity for Christmas pictures. I almost didn't go through with pictures that year, but then I decided I needed to. I needed to have pictures of my little family, even if it was a member short. I hired a different photographer and met her at her studio in Port Orchard. She got beautiful images and we left. And I sobbed all the way home, angry about how unfair this was that he wasn't in our pictures with us. 

A few weeks later I got the CD of images and they were stunning. I was smiling. The girls were happy. We looked like the perfect little family. Anyone looking at the photos and staring into our eyes would never know the "negatives" that were developing in the background. The death of my husband, the girls' father. The horrible articles in the paper. The flowers and plants that still filled our home in condolence. The tears that were shed and the sleepless nights. The dread of even waking up some mornings. Our family, in the glossy shots on the CD, looked happy and normal. 

Pictures can either be the best things, or the worst things, depending on what phase of life you are in. When my other dad, Tom, was nearing the end of his journey here on earth with us, I went through this phase where I tore my house apart looking for pictures of him. Him with my dad. Him with my girls. Him with me and my sister and my other sisters. I wanted those pictures so I could desperately cling to the better moments, the happier times where he wasn't sick and we were laughing and having fun and enjoying life as one big happy family. Those pictures saved me some nights. 

My family pictures before Brian's death? I don't want to see them. There isn't a picture of him hanging in our home. His ending time on earth was so negative, so awful, so filled with grief and turmoil and raw emotion that I wanted him and his memory to just dry up and disappear. I have his pictures tucked away in my closet for those moments when one of the girls might ask to see him. The "negatives" that developed in the background were just too painful for me to see. And still are sometimes. 

But, the photographs that we take tell the story of us, no matter if it's good or bad. They are the little snapshots of our journey in this life that walk us down memory lane and are proof of the life and times that we lived. I don't hesitate to take photos. I am always making my girls pose or my parents pose. Kristi and I snap a photo together before the start of every football game. I cherish the photos with Julie and her kids from summer adventures where we're together. These memories, even the memories of Brian, are important to developing the story of us. 

I had the honor of attending a family photo shoot this morning. My talented friend, Michelle, went with us to capture some family pictures for people that we love dearly. As I was watching the photo shoot take place, my heart was filled! This family, who is so very important to the girls and I, are walking through a storm right now. The "negatives" they are developing in the background right now are more than they should have to bear. But standing back and watching Michelle snap pictures of them in various arrangements and poses made all of those negatives disappear. The photos didn't show the tumor that was just diagnosed. They didn't show the aches and pains and tremors that he goes through. They didn't show the worry and heartache and anger and roller coaster of emotions they are going through. There was no sign of the exhaustion and fatigue from long days and sleepless nights. The screen on the back of Michelle's camera only showed love. It only showed smiles and happiness. It captured giggles and teasing and affectionate glances. Small, amazing, important moments in time for them to cherish and treasure and look back on with fondness. It captured a family that is full of love and hope and faith and peace. It captured a family that is stronger everyday as they walk through this journey with each other and with God. 

Philippians 1:3 says, "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..." and that says it all. Pictures are important. If anything, they give us the visual reminders of the people and the time and the love that Father God has blessed us all with! Concrete evidence that we laughed and lived and loved, even if it wasn't for as long as we wanted. Tangible proof of the blessings that we are granted. 

I should be looking at those pictures with the heart of what an honor it was to hold Brian and love him and grow babies and a family with him. His untimely exit doesn't change any of that. I was still greatly blessed by his presence for those few years I knew him and loved him. And the photographs from that time serve as my reminder of the journey that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with. 

So take all the pictures you can! Capture the moments of those blessings that you have been granted! Look through the memories and remember the fun times and the laughter, the giggles and the teasing. Father has blessed us richly! And how awesome for all the evidence we gather! Share your picture memories with us all! For in doing so, we are praising God for his beautiful and perfect timing, the amazingness of His creation, and the arrangement of His universe according to His will!

I can't wait to see what continues to develop, for my family, and for all of the families we hold near and dear to our hearts! And I will indeed thank my God upon every remembrance of you,

and hold you close in my thoughts and prayers. 

The Worst Day Since Yesterday...

Ever have one of those days where you just wish there was a reset button? A day where you just wish you could crawl back into bed and have a do-over? A day where you just close your eyes and hope that the world stops spinning for just a second so you can catch your breath and gain your balance once more?  Ever have that day turn into a bigger chunk of time?

When we were going through everything with Brian, it seemed to be a never-ending string of those days. When the first incident kicked over the first domino of doom, it seemed like nothing could top that event. But then it was one thing after another. After each event, my daddy would cradle me in His arms and say "It can't get any worse!" After the third fairly huge event, I looked into his eyes, put my hand gently over his mouth, and begged him to stop saying that! It seemed to be a challenge to the universe to find something bigger than the last thing that happened. Every event, whether it was big or small, seemed to threaten to bring me to my knees. And some of the events did, both literally and figuratively. There came a point where I would throw my hands up in the air and giggle, not knowing how else to react. Not wanting to think about dealing with one more thing. I was quickly sliding to the end of my rope. 

I have been a Christian almost my whole life, but I have become immersed in my faith and my feelings towards God recently, in the last couple years. For a while on my journey I was spinning my wheels, unsure of who exactly might have been in charge. I was thankful to be able to lean on my God, but I don't know if I took it very seriously. I worked very hard to try and handle things on my own.  I worked hard to fix things and let people see that I was tough and strong and brave and could handle anything.  Occasionally I'd throw up a prayer or two, but honestly there was a lot of "Why me" and "Seriously, I think I'm good in the tragedy department" thrown into the mix. He walked me through those times, but it wasn't until recently that my heart was set ablaze by His goodness and grace and mercy and I realized just how good life could be with Him!

Does being a daughter of the King mean that I am protected from tragedy? No...Does being a follower of God mean that I don't still reel and grieve the loses I have experienced? Not at all...Does knowing Jesus and my Lord and personal Saviour mean that every day is hunky dory? Nope...but all of those things above have gifted me with the strength and faith and resiliency to know that every step I take is hand-crafted and planned by Father God. Each moment of my time here on earth is orchestrated by Him, to help me walk with Him in faith and hope and peace and love. All of the moments of my life, the good and the bad, are placed in my life exactly when I need them, to either teach me, train me, prepare me, or grow me up in my faith in Him. 

I am so glad that I had God to walk me through those dark times in my life. Even though many times it seemed to be a half-hearted following of God, I was still loved and protected and carried by my Heavenly Father. 

How about now? Sometimes it seems that things get stacked up again. A friend who is my other family receives a devastating diagnosis. I watch them and love them and support them through their journey the best that I can, but I also watch them have one thing after another happen to them. A car accident. A flat tire. A broken microwave. A power outage. Little things it seems, but when you're dealing with one big thing the little things seem to threaten to take you down. Satan and his minions at work to try and unsteady the faith, tear apart the peace, steal, kill, and destroy however they can. But, my friend and prayer partner, walked me through my journey. We have become stronger everyday through all of our steps together. We can see the bigger picture and know that even though this might be the worst day since yesterday, it's not a big deal when you are walking with the Lord. I see my journey and the pain and heartache that I went through, and I praise God for those days because it made me stronger in my faith, stronger in my resiliency, stronger everyday! And it lined me up perfectly to be able to walk my friends and family through this journey, and any other journey we may come upon. 

So, worst day since yesterday? Not a big deal! We are in training! We have faith!  We know that God will use this situation for a greater good and that we will see that God is on the move, in our hearts, in our minds, in our lives, in our communities. We have an opportunity to find beauty from ashes, in Jesus's name! We have an opportunity to love and grow and help others in His kingdom to do the same!  We have an opportunity to take our bad days, our tragic moments, and turn them into days of love and peace and hope and faith! We choose to have faith and walk in faith and to share our faith!

We will also have bad days...we will have days when we cry and grieve and maybe stomp our feet and ask "why me" and declare "enough already!" But by the grace of God, we will remember that He is there, in the midst of our bad days. He is there, counting every tear that we shed. He is there, holding our hands and walking us through the tough days. 

We choose to be stronger everyday, even in the days that are worse than yesterday. Those days? Those days we drop to our knees and ask Father God to lead us, and guide us, and protect us. And humbly ask Him to use is as an example and a light of faith and hope and peace and love to others. For even in the tough times, we choose to thank and praise His most Holy name! 1 John 5:5 says, "Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes Jesus is the Son of God." We believe! We have faith! We join together in love and praise and worship and prayer! And our faith will overcome the troubles of the world! 

Worst day since yesterday? What a blessing to know we get another opportunity to praise the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit! How blessed we are! Another day...another day to be stronger...

There's a Tree...

When I have something that weighs heavy on my heart and soul and mind, I have a tendency to take it out on my sleep. I don't sleep well when I am dealing with things. It just doesn't happen. I mull it over and stew and think and pray and read and plead with God. All. Night. Long. When stuff happened with Brian I developed the habit of pacing. I pace around my house all night long sometimes, talking to myself, praying to God, as if walking 100 miles a night is going to get me closer to the solutions I so desperately want. 

Last night was a pacing night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shut off my brain. I couldn't stop the flow of tears that washed over me and over me again. So I paced. And prayed. And cried. And asked God to take control of the situation that I am struggling with. 

As I was pacing my house a voice encouraged me to pause by my front entryway. In my entryway, hanging on the wall, are four signs that I bought after Brian died, to remind me of the virtues I felt were strong in my home and in my family. One is a picture of a nest that says  "The home is a nest where love is found to be." The next, a bird, that declares "To our children we give two things, one is roots and the other is wings." One with a tree on it tells us "The tree will always be there for the family tree is home." And the last, a close up view of birch trees that reads, "Our family tree thrives in strength and love. With every bud and every branch the tree grows. Every joy shared adds more love and every storm faced together only makes the tree grow stronger."

My family tree. I come from a long line of amazing people. They have been strong in adversity. They have fought hard battles to survive life as it comes at them. They are a family of wise, strong, courageous people. 

My personal family tree branches off of those people. The three women that live in my household, our tree is also strong. We have deep roots that press down into our Lord and Savior. We have that foundational root system that grows deep. Our little tree of three has many branches to it. My parents. My sister and her family. They love us and they bolster our tree with branches to make us grow big and strong. 

Then there are the branches that have been grafted to our tree. Friends and loved ones that have become more than just friends and loved ones. People that have been accepted and absorbed by our tree. People that have withstood the storms in our life that have made us stronger. People that mean the world to us. That love us and know us and want what is best for us. People that have put solid roots down next to us to hold us upright when life got super stormy. 

When I was growing up, our favorite days were spent camping at Kalaloch. We would wake up on any given day of our vacation and walk far, far down the beach as a family. Oftentimes we would walk so far we'd get caught by the tide and have to spend the day swimming and playing in the secret cove that was just ours. On the walk, my mama and I would walk together and hold hands and sing. We loved to sing and harmonize together. One of our favorite songs was a song by country artist Tanya Tucker called "Strong Enough to Bend." The song starts out with these words:

"There's a tree out in the backyard 

That never has been broken by the wind. 

And the reason it's still standing 

It was strong enough to bend."

Strong enough to bend. My tree, bolstered by the love and faith and peace and hope of family and friends was strong enough to bend. My tree, deeply rooted in love and faith and peace and hope in my Heavenly Father was strong enough to bend. We didn't break. We didn't topple over. We were strong enough to bend. 

The current situation that I am facing has me pacing again. And God has me watching the walls for messages from Him. This message was important. This message feeds right into the motto we have developed: Stronger Everyday! Our roots and branches are being blown and buffeted, twisted and tangled by the fierce storm that is upon us at this time. We cling to each other and cling to Father God and pray that we can outlast the storm. But we will! God will see to it that we do! Because He has walked us down paths in a journey that we wouldn't wish on anyone. Step by step He was there conducting our dance through evil and pain and heartache. And He is here, doing the same for this round of evil and pain and heartache too. 

But our message in the mess? We are strong enough to bend! We are strong in the Lord! And we are STRONGER EVERYDAY!!

Love, blessings, and strength to bend to all of my family and friends. No matter what you're going through, let me plant myself next to you, bolster you up, and help you ride out the storm. Stronger Everyday!

If I Could Turn Back Time...

October is a month that I would prefer was just bypassed on the calendar. If it weren't for football and my mom's birthday and Halloween fun with my girls, I would be perfectly content to tuck myself in bed on September 30th and not wake up until November 1st. It would be perfectly fine with me to just completely flip the calendar past this whole month. 

I have told myself for the last six years that it's just a page on the calendar. It's just a number. It's just squares on a calendar, easily eradicated from the page with a simple red-line X, marking the day off forever. If only forgetting were as simple as that. If only October 18th could be erased from the calendar as a day that never existed. If only I didn't drag myself through the beginning half of the month, to the 18th of the month, knowing that this date will forever be the date that my husband chose death over life. The day that he decided that life wasn't worth living. The day that he died.

I will say that this year has been the easiest in terms of reliving my grief and heartache. I have grown so much over the last year and learned so much about myself. I also have had the heartache of a different worry to keep my mind distracted from the details of this time period. My days and nights have been filled with prayers and praise and thinking of other people, which has lended itself to me thinking of other things, being distracted from what was looming, until my Heavenly Father called attention to it yesterday morning on the treadmill, and planned the writing of this blog post with me. 

The realization that we had made it to the time hit me a bit like a ton of bricks. In the middle of my run I realized that I was only a day away from what could easily be one of the most difficult days of my life. And kickstarted some of my lowest, darkest days. 

With any anniversary I feel like you are led to a period of reflection. The anniversary of a death is no different. As I now sit firmly in the day of the 18th I think back six years ago. Six years! This is one of those situations where it seems like just yesterday on one hand, but it also seems like a million years have passed since that day. I feel like I will forever be able to close my eyes and walk through the events of those days. My faithful side realizes that this is and was all part of God's plan. That He knew how this was all going to play out and He had a purpose in each of us going through what we went through. My doubting side looks at all of this and thinks, "Why did this happen? What did I miss? I should have looked closer. Paid more attention. What if..."

If only I could reverse time! If only I could go back to certain moments that I now look at and see was part of the journey that led us to October 18th, 2010. If I could go back to July 2010 and stop things that happened. If I could go back to October 1st on the couch with my husband. What would I change about words we exchanged? Would I still ask him to leave? What if I hadn't walked to work the next day? What if my sweet friend Kim hadn't been in her office? What if I could have fixed it then?  What if...

What if I had seen the double car payment earlier in the day on the 18th and realized it was part of his last day plan? What if I had called him? What if I never forget the phone ringing and his mother asking me where he could have gone, that they found notes in his room? What if I hadn't taken my parents and drove to Sequim that night? What if I never had to stand in a front door and have a police officer tell me they had found my husband's body? What if...

The what ifs will drive you insane and maybe I let them do just that for a while. I was a lost person for a few years. If my friends and family hadn't stood at my side and dragged me through for a while I'm not sure where I would be today. If I didn't have two beautiful little girls living with me and depending on me as their sole-surviving parent, my journey could have been very different than it was. 

Ecclesiates Chapter 3 speaks to the what ifs:

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain and a time to lose; A time to keep and a time to throw away; A time to tear and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace."

God has perfect timing. He knows what we need, when we need it. Throughout this journey I've learned that to everything there is a season. He has every part of our lives planned out for us. He knows what is going to happen before we even think it's going to happen. Does it always make sense? No! Especially when we are in the depths of the despair of the moment. When Brian died and my world was turned upside down, I certainly did not cling to this verse, or any verse in particular. I was sad and reeling and angry and confused and hurt. And I didn't understand why any of it was happening. I couldn't understand how in the blink of an eye, my entire existence had changed, had been taken away from me. Now that I am six years out on this journey, I see his love and protection and purpose in all this! The message in my mess! The testimony in my test!  To everything there is a season! And I am a new, beautiful, reborn person because of all that happened in the last six years. My children are strong, independent, amazing little people because of all that happened in the last six years. My faith is deeply and firmly rooted in my Heavenly Father and for the first time in a long time, I see not just THE purpose in all that we have been through, but I see MY purpose in this life!

If I could turn back time, would I do it? Maybe for some pieces, but I don't feel like those pieces are from God. The pieces that want to turn back time are pieces of regret and shame and guilt and blame. The what ifs that are overwhelming if you choose to live there. I am firmly planted in the today! I don't want to turn back time because I like the outcome of the time I have marched through. I love where I am at in this day! I love who I have grown into and who I continue to grow to be. I am strong and resilient and growing leaps and bounds in my faith daily. And I get to pay it forward! I get to share this message with all of you, but I also get to now today take the hands of the people that are most dear to me and walk them through what might be their worst October ever. I get to share His divine plan and His timing with someone else that will remember these days as days to erase off the calendar forever. I get to deliver a message of hope and a future because I have made it to the other side. And I don't want to go backwards anymore. 

God's perfect plan! God's perfect timing! To everything there is a season! And I hope that no matter where you are on your journey, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what you are going through, you can see that there is a divine plan for you! Don't wish to turn back time! Enjoy the season you are in right now! Don't dread a date on a calendar, for that date has or had a specific purpose to create you into who you are today! 

To everything there is a season...don't wish to turn back time! Pray to have your eyes opened to the purpose of the time you are in right this very second!

October 18th...just a day. Just the day that was the beginning of me being a new creation in Him! What a blessing this day should be celebrated as! What a blessing!

So it's not if I could turn back time, but rather if I could live for today! His plan! His timing! His peace! His love! His joy! His timing...

Let's leave October where it is for now. I'm learning to like it more every year. 

Shelter from the Storm...

This post finds me sitting in a chair in my living room, staring out the window, watching for signs of the impending storm the weather people have been predicting for days now. A gust of wind here and there. A sudden burst of rain against the windows. Bits and pieces of weather trying to come together to create the storm we've been promised. 

I have always loved storms. Thunder and lightning and wind and rain. I love being cozy in the house watching from my chair. Hearing the rain on the roof. Watching clusters of leaves blowing across the yard. Watching the multi-colored clouds blow quickly through the darkened sky, swirling and moving and creating fluffy painted scenes on the horizon. 

God blessed me with two little girls who are my light and my life. They do not share my love of storms. They stare at the window and see angry skies. They cover their ears with every crash of thunder. Hide their eyes at every bright flash of lightning. They hold their breath with every gust of wind that forces it's way into every inch of our home. They are afraid. They are scared. They don't share my love of storms. 

Scrolling through my Facebook page, I have seen video after video of storm footage. Waterfalls swelling. Water rushing down the street. And maybe most impressive are the videos of the oceans and bays in our area. Giant, crashing waves, huge swells, white caps, blowing foam. Many might see that footage and see fear and darkness and and terror. I see God. Hope and light and power and peace!

Those videos are just like real life. One second the ocean is clear and flat and crystal blue. Smooth sailing to wherever you are aiming to head. Clear waters and clear sky looking toward the horizon from all directions. Suddenly, the skies turn dark, wind and waves begins swirling and raging, waves get bigger and seem to swell out of the ocean, and soon you are staring at walls of waves on either side. You try to steer your ship, waiting for the waves to crash down around you and take your ship out. 

God promises us that He is in the storm. He is with us in the storm, the storm that is raging outside of my living room right now and the storms of life that are swirling all around me. He is there. He is there as I watch my patio table blow across the deck. He is there as the trees are swaying back and forth across the street. He's there as I slowly come up on the anniversary of the death of my husband. He is there as I hold my friend and cry with her over the diagnosis of her husband's cancerous tumor. He is there as they walk through the steps toward treatment and healing for him. He is there as we fervently pray for the miracles that we know God is so very capable of. 

Psalm 107:28-31 says, "Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, So that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven. Oh that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!" Amen! He calms the storm! He calms the storms of life. He brings us out of our distresses. We only need to call His name! We only need to call out to Him in our trouble and He will bring us through. 

So, as I watch the storm swirling all around outside my window, I know that God will protect me and my family.  He will keep us safe from the swirling winds, the torrential rain, the flying debris. God will protect my heart as I march toward October 18th, keeping me from falling into the depths of darkness. God will protect my friend and her family and my family as we all walk through the storm we are heading toward. 

The storms will rage on in life. Both literal storms and the storms that blow our way on the course of life. We may be scared and worry that we won't survive. We may feel like we're going to drown in all the waves that are buffeting us from all sides. We may lose sight of the course we are on, lose our way, be unsure of how and where to navigate. We don't have to worry about any of that! God will calm the storm, and our hearts. God will walk us through and ensure we survive. God will scoop us out of the storm and lift us to His high places. He will guide us in the direction we are supposed to go. 

The best part about storms? They don't last forever. You need to sit tight, hold on, and keep your faith that God will carry you through! He calms the storm. Trust Him that He delivers on His promises! He will scoop you out of the storm and cradle you in His loving arms! Have faith! Be of good courage! Look for the rainbow! And feel the presence of God in the storm!

Just Breathe...

Oxygen is essential for life. You need to breathe...in...out...in...out...repeat for your whole life. So I've always thought it was strange that when I get stuck in fight or flight mode I sometimes hold my breath. Or when something scares me. Or when I'm heading into a flashback or a panic attack. The breath in me leaves and I don't breathe.

We need oxygen! We need to breathe! I also find it funny that when I'm stressed these days, my first instinct is to run. That used to mean run away! Now it means run on the treadmill. Running is another activity that takes your breath away. Or at least mine! The longer I run, the more my lungs begin to burn and I find myself gasping for breath at times. But, I'm always taken care of and make it to the end of my run, breathing intact. 

My running time on the treadmill is my quiet time with God. I've mentioned this before in these posts. I turn on some form of worship music and I have a conversation with God. Many of these conversations lead to posts. Today's for certain was written with God to post here. 

This morning at 5:00 a.m., my friend and other dad, Clay, went in for a biopsy on a tumor in his brain. The text I got telling me that he had a tumor was another thing that took my breath away. And then my God whispered in my ear "Just breathe," and I knew this was all in His hands. This morning I sent a "praying for you" text to Melody when I woke up and started my run. The first few minutes of walking were ok. Then I started running. And then the tears started falling as I poured my heart out to my God, lifting them all up in prayer, asking for Him to cover them all with His wings, praying for steady hands for the doctors and a sure plan for recovery. Asking him to shrink and take away the tumor. And suddenly I found myself without breath. Running and crying really don't mix very well and my breath was hard to catch. And then...

The album I have been listening to a lot lately is Michael W. Smith's album Worship. The songs are soothing and bring me peace. In the middle of my prayer and my difficult time breathing, his song called Breathe came on, just in time. The first line of the song is "This is the air I breathe..." God's air. The air that He provides in the moments when it takes all my effort to remember the simple ins and outs of how breathing works. 

This is the air I breathe...His air for me fills my lungs and the Holy Spirit fills my heart and I am brought peace and grace and hope and all the wonderful feelings of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. 

And with each breath that He breathes into me, I declare a prayer! The world is such a chaotic mess right now! Politics and war. Clowns and hurricanes. The whole world needs a prayer! You could pray a different prayer with every breath you took and still not cover everything that needs prayer!

Well, I need prayer for my little corner of the world! I need prayer for Clay. I need prayer for Melody and Kristi and Dale. I need prayer for the miracle that God is oh so capable of! Inoperable tumors seem like a gigantic wall of fear and darkness and hopelessness, but when God's air is breathed on it, it is one more mess for our message! One more test for our testimony!

So pray! Don't know how? Find a friend! Hold hands! And just send positive thoughts out to Clay! Don't know what to say? Don't say anything! Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and just feel the Holy Spirit fill your heart and your soul and your minds. Turn on some music and just pour your heart out to Him. 

And while the prayers I hold for Clay and Melody and their entire family are the most urgent prayers I have for the week, perhaps there are urgent prayers you have in your life also! Share them here with us so that we may add those in too! For God hears them all! And answers them all! So share your prayers with us!  So that we may all breathe together, and pray for our needs according to His will!

Keep breathing! And keep praying! Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three are a gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." Let's join together in prayer!

And keep my family in Seattle on your list please! They mean the world to me and they need the comfort and peace and hope that our prayers being more than ever. 

Just breathe...and whisper a prayer with each breath you take.

This is the air I breathe...

We're Halfway There...

Many of the activities that we participate in have a halfway point. A certain mark or time where half of it is done and there's only half more to go. We countdown the time until the end. This maybe makes us feel better. Long trips need a halfway point so that they don't seem as long. Football games need a halfway point so that there's hope of another chance, or there's only half of the time left to defend your lead.  Wednesday is a really important halfway point...almost to the weekend!

Sometimes the halfway point doesn't make us feel better. Like on my running app. When I already ran seventeen and a half minutes, and my app declares "you've reached the halfway point" I maybe want to cry a little. Sure, I'm thrilled that I've already ran seventeen and a half minutes. But I'm also wrecked thinking that I have to run seventeen and a half more. Perspective of halfway points sometimes shifts, depending on the outcome.

This journey that I have been on has reached two important halfway points. I've been going to WeightWatchers meetings for a whole year. I just had my one year anniversary of this round of joining. When I stepped on the scale and looked through my record books, what a journey I've been on! My books are filled with ups and downs, and more ups and more downs. But overall the trend has been loss. In one year I have lost fifty-five pounds. I'm halfway there. Halfway to where I want to be. When all is said and done, I want to have lost 110 pounds. My first reaction about this realization is happiness! Joy! Pride! And then I start thinking harder, and Satan takes my thoughts and quickly turns the positive ideas into negatives. I'm only halfway there in one year?! I know so-and-so has lost way more in less time. So it could be another year or more for me? What if I can't do it? Maybe I should just quit. I don't want to have to count points and write everything I eat down for the rest of my life. Only halfway...

And then there's my running app. Also this week I reached the halfway mark of my Couch to 10K app. I successfully completed the 5K portion of the app and started week 9, Day one. The first run is running two intervals of twenty minutes. I was so proud of being halfway done! And then once again Satan took over my thoughts and it turned to, I'm running for 30, 35, 40 minutes and that's ONLY halfway? There's no way I could run for 60 minutes straight! That's a whole hour. I'll never get there! Only halfway...

Perspective turns this halfway mark into the whole glass half empty or glass half full debate. Am I excited to be this far along and my glass is half full of pride and joy and elation? Or am I dreading what is to come in the next half and my glass is half empty? It all depends on who is filling my head and my heart at that moment. 

God sees me as half full! I'm halfway to where He wants me to be! He wants us to take care of our bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19 states that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit...we should take care of our temples. Father God wants me to be strong and healthy. He wants us to love ourselves just as much as He loves us. He wants us healthy and rested and ready to serve in His kingdom. 

Satan sees me as half empty! I'm halfway from where I should be. He has me focus on the struggles. The early mornings. The days I feel like I'm starving. The long lonely runs. The aches and pains. He wants us sick and tired and unable to help God in His kingdom. He wants us to be selfish and poor witnesses of our testimonies. 

I get sucked in easily to Satan's ways. I often think I'm not good enough. I can't do this. It's no use! I'm not going to like myself any better in 55 pounds than I do now. He has me stand in front of the mirror and see the sagging skin and the fat just shifting places. He has me hear cutting words of how these changes aren't going to change the way I feel deep in my soul. He has me giving me up and quitting because I don't want to do this every day for the rest of my life. 

But Jesus fights back and he tells me that I'm good enough. That I'm just the way He wants me to be. That I should love myself now and that I'll love myself even more as I get healthy and stronger for him. That I can do anything I set my mind to and that I am strong and beautiful. When I look into His mirror He erases the stretch marks and dimples and fat and shows me glowing and happy and wearing His crown as a daughter of the King!

I'm halfway from where I want to be. The journey won't be easy and there will always be two sides to the halfway point, two glasses either full or empty, two mirrors showing two stark contrasts of myself. I get to choose! With the help of my Heavenly Father, I get to choose my story! I get to choose my message in my mess. I get to write my testimony with Him!

I'm halfway there! And I'll keep running the race to the end. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 40:31 which says "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I'll keep running, past the halfway point. And when the race is over, it'll be great to think back and reflect on this halfway point. To see how far I have come and all the struggles and adversity that I overcame. 

We're halfway there...start writing your last half right now from today!

The Sound of Silence...

There's a line in Taylor Swift's song "Story of Us" that says "I've never heard silence quite this loud."  Do you know what that sounds like? What that feels like? The deafening roar of silence where you are just praying that something, anything makes a noise and cracks the tension in the air. This sort of silence is not usually something positive. This silence sneaks in, comes into the room when you least expect it. I have experienced such silence. 

It's terrifying. You are left unable to breathe, feeling like you are being crushed under the weight of the blackness. Feeling like your lungs are filling with water and that you'll drown in the quiet all around. When you've been diagnosed with PTSD, the sound of silence can be part of the reoccurrence that you experience in a flashback. My ears are usually the first thing to lose their sense when I'm in these moments of paralyzing fear. It feels like there's water in my ears. It feels like my ears are muffled and ringing all at the same time. The sound of silence. 

There are many people who I'm assuming are affected by this sound of silence. Just this past Sunday we honored the memory of those lost in the terror attacks of 9/11. There was a speech by President Obama, giant flags, tears rolling down cheeks, and the sound of silence, a moment of silence for those we lost. Memories of that day flooded quickly in as these events took place. Where were you? Who were you with? What did you feel afterwards? The shock settling in, and the sound of silence. Reoccurrence of the sound of silence for the people who grieve the loss of all those precious lives. 

Just this past week I experienced this sound of silence again. Helping Amelia with her Washington State History homework, she had to create a timeline of her life. 2010, in her innocent 9-year-old scribbled handwriting, were the words "my dad died" and the silence creeped in. Not that I didn't know it was coming. Not that I wasn't expecting it. But her tear-filled eyes as she read it to me, and exclaimed that she would be the only one in her class with that on her timeline. We hugged each other. And prayed together. And swam through the sound of silence arm in arm. 

But, as I've stated before, our story doesn't end here. Our story doesn't drown in the sound of silence. Our story has made its way into a difference silence. The silence of the peace that passes all understanding. The silence of peace from our Heavenly Father. The silence that comes from being whole and healed and a daughter of the King! The silence of a quiet moment of prayer, when all the rest of the world is blocked out and the darkness and hate and anger and thoughts of evil slough away. The sound of silence where you hear angels singing and our sweet Father's voice filling you with His promises! 

We are making it, a day at a time, marching through our timeline and putting space between 2010 and where we are headed. God has big plans for Amelia. He will hold her hand and carry her through and grant her the peaceful sound of silence.  And each step I take with Father God is another step toward victory with Him. The sound of silence used to swallow me whole, make me feel all of those feelings explained in the initial part of this post. There are times, like this week, that I get caught up in the dark, swirling waters all over again, but I spend most of my time now in the peaceful silence with God. 

Find yourself there too! Spend time with Him and talk to Him and let Him carry you out of the unbearable sound of silence into the silence of His peace! He's waiting for you...

So Glad We Made It...

It's back to school season! As I'm typing this, my two not-so-little-anymore girls are sitting in their Welcome Back chapel service at their school, buses are driving past my house practicing routes and getting ready to pick up students tomorrow, and my Facebook feed is full of my teacher friends whining a bit about starting tomorrow and either frantically putting together the last finishing touches on their classrooms, or squeezing out those last few precious moments of summer with friends and family. Me? I am anxiously awaiting the clock ticking to tomorrow morning when I get to see my little people's smiling faces and welcome in the start of a brand new school year. 

When you're a teacher, the start of the year in September has just as much meaning, if not more, that the start of the year in January. Each time period is the start of something new! A chance to start over. Or a chance to start again. It is a new opportunity to push the reset button and begin again.

My girls and I put together our Rememberlutions jars at the January time. But we also develop family goals in August at the start of a new school year. Things we'd like to do with our weekends and our free time. Practices and habits we'd like to get into as we start back to schedules and consistent routines. Family moments we'd like to try and see through for the coming school year. Some of our goals this school year? Eating breakfast together. Waking up early so I can not feel rushed in the morning. Bible study before bedtime. Family devotion. Maybe starting up our Rememberlutions jars that sort of drifted off in April. 

It's important to have goals and targets. Things that you want to accomplish. It gives you an endpoint, something to aim for as we are wandering through life. I have always been goal driven. I always work better when I know that I am working towards something. I think that's part of the reason why our little family had such a hard time after Brian died. I didn't have a goal or a vision. I didn't know what the future held for us. And as hard as I tried to come up with things, my only goals some mornings was to drag myself out of bed and don't forget to breathe. 

Luckily, during that time our God had a goal for my family. God had plans for us.  Plans for us to prosper and grow. Plans for us to pull through as a family unit with help from the people that love us. Plans to make it through the mess and have opportunities to share our message with others. Much like the beginning of the school year, God knew that even though our slates had been wiped clean and there was no lesson plans in sight, he new the new year was just around the corner. We needed to aimlessly get through our "summer" with no schedule and no routines and make it back to the first day of school. And make it back we did! We are stronger than ever, continuing to grow in His love and realize His plan for us. We have been on the right track for some time now, realizing our potential together and all that we have to accomplish in His name now that we have been gifted living, not just existing! Such an exciting time!

So, as my teacher friends drag their feet just a little, and want anything in the world but to trade in beaches and sleeping in for white boards and lesson plans, I hope that realize what amazing work they have to do! It's time to be done wandering aimlessly through our summers and return to school! Make goals for themselves and their children, and make it the best year yet!

Amelia's words coming out of fourth grade yesterday: "Mommy, I think this is going to be the best year yet!" Amen, sweet Amelia! God walked us, carried us through the worst time in our lives and we have been blessed with the best year yet, year after year! I am thrilled to be starting work, getting back on routine, and starting the best year yet! Once again, I get to start over and make this year my best year yet, and hopefully bless my kids at home and at work with their best years yet!

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you..." He knows those plans for my year, and beyond, and I am honored to serve those years out for Him! The best is yet to come! Living in the promises of my Heavenly Father means that each day can be better than the one before! I'm so glad we made it through our darkness to where we are today! So glad we made it!

Best year yet...

Who You'd Be Today...

When you are in a season of redefining yourself sometimes that is all you think about. I admit that I can be a bit obsessive about that stuff when I'm in a time of change. Losing weight and exercise is my season of change right now. I love how I'm feeling and looking and that is what I think about. I live and eat and breathe this process. When I'm on, I'm on. I can resist any temptation. I can run the best runs. I can get up at any time in the morning to run. I can eat a billion pounds of vegetables and drink all of my water and much more! Changing for the better feels so good! I love who I am becoming as I wade through this process.

Change is inevitable. Difficult, but inevitable. Sometimes, such as the process I've described above, change is voluntary. I am sick of being fat and sedentary. So I started the process of change. I intentionally have been doing what I need to do to eat better and lose weight. I am making a concerted effort to workout every day or every other day, depending on my routine. I am trying to make better food choices. I am meaning for this change to happen.

Sometimes, change is forced. Sometimes we are thrown into the process of change not by any fault of our own.  There's a catalyst that shoves us into a rapidly evolving lifestyle and suddenly we are fighting to keep everything upright, to right our sails, to keep all of our plates spinning, to keep a perfect balance of everything. And we become different people. Not necessarily because we want to, but because we HAVE to.  After Brian died and in the weeks and months and even years that followed, I had many people say to me "You've changed...we want the old Tammy back." And I would pause, and stare for a while, and smile. All the while inside I was screaming "SO DO I!" I would have given anything to rewind and go back to my old life. Old Tammy. Old Brian. Old, happy, quaint, perfect life. 

Now? Now looking back, I wouldn't go back for anything. How I have grown! How my girls have grown! How my relationships have grown! When you go through a process like what my family has been through, you do change. You value relationships more. You find out who your true friends and family are. You choose the best parts of you and try and focus on those. 

It's not all sunshine and roses though. With any change there are, uhh, let's call them growing pains. The path to who I am today is littered with pain and tears and darkness and terrible thoughts. It was a dark, scary time. There were days I didn't know if I could go on. There were day I would stand and look at my life and wonder who I was. There were moments of shame and guilt and depression. But each second of those days, each step that I took forward, was another step towards who I am today. 

School starts for me today. No students yet but I get to go back to work with my work family and start planning my new year with my speech babies. A fresh chance to start anew! It grants us all a natureal beginning. A moment to think about who you want to be a year from now. Or maybe that time chunk is too much to think about. Who do you want to be by January 1st? Or maybe even by October 1st?

Admitting to you all that typing that last date just brought tears is hard. October 1st. I never thought I would be scared of a date on the calendar. The day that Brian told me what he had done. The day that I didn't know who my husband was anymore and would set the course for the next almost six years, as I am still on that course. Brian ended his life. That was the course that he chose. And when I look at all that has happened in six years for me, it pains my heart to think about Brian and wonder who he's be today. All the changes that I've been through, the finding myself and raising my babies and getting seizures and finding a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. It hurts to think that had Brian chose something different, who would he be today? But it wasn't part of God's plan for him to find that out. It was part of God's plan for me and Amelia and Emerson to find out who we are, and who we will become. 

So back to the first day of work! For all of my work friends, today is the first day of this school year for us. Who do you want to be? We walk through the doors of our new school to changes. Changes that we maybe didn't want. Changes that may impact us. We have an opportunity to ebb and flow and decide who we want to be as a staff in October or January or June. Let's embrace it together and make good changes!

But also, you have the chance to stand right now and decide who do you want to be? What changes do you want to make? Would you rather make voluntary changes now or have to adjust your sails when forced changes happen later. Any to improve mentally-emotionally? Find a counselor, sign up to take a class, so some yoga! Physically? Talk to me about my Couch to 10K app, sign up for kickboxing (I did!), change your eating habits. Spiritually? Let's form a Bible study at work, find a new church, work on your relationship with Father. Become who you would like to be. 

Take today and jot down your goals for the next little bit and decide where you want to be. So that when January first rolls around you don't have to wonder who you'd be today. You'll know! You'll know that you are healthy and confident and strong and bettering yourself! First day back at work! Such an exciting day!! The first day of forever! The first day to make you who you want to be! The first day! Who will you be? Who will you be...