Holidays are my favorite! But they can be so very hard when plans change and the course of life is altered. I miss having a husband to share Christmas secrets with. I miss having someone to help me in the chaos and clutter of the season. Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family who have offered to help me, and I appreciate every one of you, but it's just not the same. Walking through Costco and wondering if this coat for Emerson would be perfect and knowing that I have to make that decision all on my own. Picking up the book for Amelia and wishing I could turn to Brian with elation and show him my find. It's hard when those memories flood in and there's just an outline and a shadow of what could have been.
Past years have been easier for me. This one is harder, I think, because there is so much going on. Breaking my foot was not in the best timing. Our house is not decorated. We decided it would be easier if the boxes just stayed in the shed until next year. We decorated our tree tonight. I held back tears as my excited girls hung ornaments on the tree. Getting the tree took a lot and I mostly settled on a tree that was close to the top so I wouldn't have to trudge with my crutches through the snow. No lights adorn my tree this year. I wasn't sure which box they were in. I also wasn't sure where our stockings were located so those won't be part of this year's tradition. I told the girls that Santa will pile their gifts for them on the couch. He won't need stockings but I'm still sad about it. Amelia doesn't feel well. My parents are super sick. I realized tonight that I didn't order letters or videos from Santa for my girls. And we haven't even gone to see him yet.
Things this year are different. And I have been working hard to not cry the closer we get to Christmas Day. And then when I pause and think about things, I feel badly because I have so many friends who are hurting and sick and also maybe not looking forward to Christmas. Friends who have lost loved ones in the last few weeks. Friends who are fighting for their lives. Friends who have had life-altering diagnoses in their families. And I feel selfish. I'm worried that my tree has no lights?
Christmas will still come without those things. And I have very forgiving little girls. They understand why we aren't decorating. They exclaim that this is the best tree ever knowing I'm sad about it. They tell me they don't care about not having their stockings.
These things are not important anyways! Christmas is not about stockings and lights and ornaments. It's not about presents and packages. It's not about any of those things.
Christmas is about love and faith and peace and hope. Christmas is about the story of a baby that was born to save the world from sin and death and Satan. Christmas is about loving the people that God has sent us. Christmas is about remembering the people that touched our lives and graced earth with their presence, even if it wasn't for long enough. Christmas is about light and life and forgiveness.
Luke 2 is the Christmas story that matters: 8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.”
This is the story that matters. This story is what carries me through the days when I want to cry and just close my eyes and just forget the world. This story is what reminds me of the best of my days. This story is where I close my eyes and wait for the miracles of Christmas, the miracles that my friends and family and I hope on. This is the story that reminds me just how much my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and the people that are so important to me.
Christmas is going to come. The baby is going to be born and we will be reminded of our Savior who was sent to save us. The tears that I cry in sadness and grief will be momentary and will soon be taken over by tears of joy in the promises of mercy and grace and peace from my Father. He doesn't need lights or decorations or fancy dinners. He'll come regardless of all of those things. He'll come to me in my sadness and grief and bolster me up in His love and goodness. And He'll grant healing and comfort to those around me also.
He is so powerful and so loving. And in my moments in the store or on Christmas Eve when I'm sad about setting up Christmas all alone, He'll remind me that I'm not alone. That He is there with me, loving me, holding me, walking me along the path that He has planned for me.
I am not alone. And Christmas will still come! There wasn't much fanfare in the stable that night as Jesus lay in the manger in that cold stable surrounded by animals. And Christmas will still come today, without fanfare. We worship the baby. That's all He asks. We remember and worship the baby. “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Amen!
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