I have developed an internal mantra to help me cope with the day-to-day craziness that this world throws at me. I have written about it many times, and I preach it to my children often. "Be kind for we are all fighting battles..." Kindness goes a long way. And I don't think there is any other season in the year that screams and begs for kindness than Christmas. But it also seems to be the time of year where everyone is busy, things are chaotic, and patience runs thin. An example: I was driving through the Costco parking lot when a truck did not stop and raced across the road to the next aisle of parking spaces. My first reaction, with my children in the car, was to scowl and say (out loud) "Thanks for cutting me off, jerk face." And then, I sucked in my breath, asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness and then out loud said "I'm sorry for saying that. Merry Christmas." He couldn't hear either one of those exchanges. But I knew about them and I wasn't kind in my first reaction.
Being kind is hard. Especially when you have your own stuff to contend with. I was trying to get a spot near the store so I could just run in and grab my gift and run back home. But maybe he was trying to do the same. We all start our moments with our own agendas. We all start thinking only of getting from point A to point B quickly and safely. We don't realize sometimes that there are millions upon millions of people in this world with a similar agenda.
This reality came crashing down all around me this morning. This morning, I had to work hard to be kind. I had to work hard to see the perspective of other people. People that I didn't want to see their perspective or maybe even be kind to them. Who are these people? My in-laws.
When Brian passed away there was a lot of hate and discontent. There were a lot of little events that were direct domino effects from Brian's suicide. Brian killed himself and as if that wasn't bad enough, there were a lot of things happening on the peripheral that were just as crushing as that first initial event.
Even though I write a blog I am a very private person. My very best friends might argue with me because once I am comfortable with someone I spill my guts to anyone who will listen, but it takes me a while to share with people. And there are events that happened during that time that only my closest people know about. Some of those events triggered hate and discontent between my family and my in-laws. We were all reeling, working so very hard to simply get from point A to point B, but not really even knowing where point B was. I felt like I was wandering aimlessly through life, hoping I eventually made it to point B. And by the grace of God, and the help of family and friends, we made it to point B. We staggered out of the wilderness and landed in a place of peace and grace and mercy, knowing that we were safe and comfortable and that God was going to carry us through.
This morning we did Christmas with my in-laws. We met at the McDonalds in Poulsbo because I need boundaries in my home and I need to feel safe and I need my children to feel safe. So that happens on public turf so that it takes it out of the home that we have worked so hard to make our refuge on a time of chaos.
Sitting at the table and watching them and hearing them talk about their lives made me realize how much kindness they need. The lines and the age across their faces tell the story about the last six years. I was reeling losing a husband and the joy of a future as a family. They lost a brother and a son and an uncle and a grandson. I was learning secret after secret and trying to figure out how to build my life over from the ground up. They were trying to figure out how their life was going to look in the chaos and the trials also. We were all trying to get from point A to point B. Watching them all today I think they are still trying to figure out how to get to point B. They looked sad and lost and hopeless and my heart broke for them.
It has impacted me all day. Thinking about my life and how much it has changed and thinking about their lives and how much they have changed. One life event was the catalyst to a whole series of events, and still triggers events and feelings and emotions for all of us. I don't know that I will ever allow them into my home. I don't know that I will ever be able to go to Sequim to see them. I don't know that I will ever be able to interact with them and not have some sort of flashback or memory or anxiety. But, today there was a new feeling. A feeling of sorrow and pity and forgiveness.
I have been blessed! So very blessed! My journey has not been easy, but I have fought and clawed and prayed my way to where I am today. I am confident in who I am and I love the family that I have raised. Looking at them I had to desire to share with them the life that I have found. The peace of God, which passes all understanding. The joy of being a daughter of the King! He heals! He redeems! He carried me through and set me up on my feet. I am in such a good place right now and I know that I am here because of Him and the relationship that I have forged with Him.
Listening to the damage that continues on their life, and being someone that wants to fix everything, I have been praying for them since we left them. Praying that God will intervene on their lives and bring them the peace that He is capable of. Praying that God would place forgiveness in my heart so that I may approach them with how good life can be. Praying that God would help me realize that they are lost like I was, and simply looking for their Point B where they can finally exist in the world and not wish to forget the world. Because I've been to that point. The point where I just want to crawl into bed and forget the world, and hope that the world would just forget me also.
My heart hurts for them. They lost someone that day six years ago too. And they are just trying to find point B still. I hope and pray that God has a plan for them to find their point B. I know He does! He is amazing and powerful and so very loving. And maybe it's my job to help them find point B. Or maybe it's simply my job to be kind and pray. They are fighting intense battles still. And my heart hurts for them because I know just how lost you can get on this journey. So I forgive. And I pray. And I cry tears for them. And I plead that God will guide them in their journey just as He guided me in mine, and continues to guide me in mine.
I will also continue to pray for guidance in this journey as I work to forgive and want them to continue on their journey, but also guard my heart and my soul and my mind. I don't want to sacrifice my progress, the progress of my family, for anyone else's progress. But I do want the joy that I have experienced for them.
So my advice to them, and to anyone else that might be struggling to get from point A to point B? Just forget the world, and turn instead to Our Heavenly Father for guidance and direction. He has the map to your life path. He knows where He wants and needs you to go. You might as well just turn to Him for directions.
My thoughts and prayers are with my inlaws. And with all people fighting battles. We all need kindness. We all need help in fighting those battles. And we all need Jesus. He'll carry you through. He'll carry them through. He'll carry us through. We just have to let Him! Forget the world. But be kind. For we are all fighting battles...
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