Just Forget the World

I have developed an internal mantra to help me cope with the day-to-day craziness that this world throws at me. I have written about it many times, and I preach it to my children often. "Be kind for we are all fighting battles..." Kindness goes a long way. And I don't think there is any other season in the year that screams and begs for kindness than Christmas. But it also seems to be the time of year where everyone is busy, things are chaotic, and patience runs thin. An example: I was driving through the Costco parking lot when a truck did not stop and raced across the road to the next aisle of parking spaces. My first reaction, with my children in the car, was to scowl and say (out loud) "Thanks for cutting me off, jerk face." And then, I sucked in my breath, asked Heavenly Father for forgiveness and then out loud said "I'm sorry for saying that. Merry Christmas." He couldn't hear either one of those exchanges. But I knew about them and I wasn't kind in my first reaction. 

Being kind is hard. Especially when you have your own stuff to contend with. I was trying to get a spot near the store so I could just run in and grab my gift and run back home. But maybe he was trying to do the same. We all start our moments with our own agendas. We all start thinking only of getting from point A to point B quickly and safely. We don't realize sometimes that there are millions upon millions of people in this world with a similar agenda. 

This reality came crashing down all around me this morning. This morning, I had to work hard to be kind. I had to work hard to see the perspective of other people. People that I didn't want to see their perspective or maybe even be kind to them. Who are these people? My in-laws. 

When Brian passed away there was a lot of hate and discontent. There were a lot of little events that were direct domino effects from Brian's suicide. Brian killed himself and as if that wasn't bad enough, there were a lot of things happening on the peripheral that were just as crushing as that first initial event. 

Even though I write a blog I am a very private person. My very best friends might argue with me because once I am comfortable with someone I spill my guts to anyone who will listen, but it takes me a while to share with people. And there are events that happened during that time that only my closest people know about. Some of those events triggered hate and discontent between my family and my in-laws. We were all reeling, working so very hard to simply get from point A to point B, but not really even knowing where point B was. I felt like I was wandering aimlessly through life, hoping I eventually made it to point B. And by the grace of God, and the help of family and friends, we made it to point B. We staggered out of the wilderness and landed in a place of peace and grace and mercy, knowing that we were safe and comfortable and that God was going to carry us through. 

This morning we did Christmas with my in-laws. We met at the McDonalds in Poulsbo because I need boundaries in my home and I need to feel safe and I need my children to feel safe.  So that happens on public turf so that it takes it out of the home that we have worked so hard to make our refuge on a time of chaos.

Sitting at the table and watching them and hearing them talk about their lives made me realize how much kindness they need. The lines and the age across their faces tell the story about the last six years. I was reeling losing a husband and the joy of a future as a family. They lost a brother and a son and an uncle and a grandson. I was learning secret after secret and trying to figure out how to build my life over from the ground up. They were trying to figure out how their life was going to look in the chaos and the trials also. We were all trying to get from point A to point B. Watching them all today I think they are still trying to figure out how to get to point B. They looked sad and lost and hopeless and my heart broke for them.


It has impacted me all day. Thinking about my life and how much it has changed and thinking about their lives and how much they have changed. One life event was the catalyst to a whole series of events, and still triggers events and feelings and emotions for all of us. I don't know that I will ever allow them into my home. I don't know that I will ever be able to go to Sequim to see them. I don't know that I will ever be able to interact with them and not have some sort of flashback or memory or anxiety. But, today there was a new feeling. A feeling of sorrow and pity and forgiveness. 

I have been blessed! So very blessed! My journey has not been easy, but I have fought and clawed and prayed my way to where I am today. I am confident in who I am and I love the family that I have raised. Looking at them I had to desire to share with them the life that I have found. The peace of God, which passes all understanding. The joy of being a daughter of the King! He heals! He redeems! He carried me through and set me up on my feet. I am in such a good place right now and I know that I am here because of Him and the relationship that I have forged with Him. 

Listening to the damage that continues on their life, and being someone that wants to fix everything, I have been praying for them since we left them. Praying that God will intervene on their lives and bring them the peace that He is capable of. Praying that God would place forgiveness in my heart so that I may approach them with how good life can be. Praying that God would help me realize that they are lost like I was, and simply looking for their Point B where they can finally exist in the world and not wish to forget the world. Because I've been to that point. The point where I just want to crawl into bed and forget the world, and hope that the world would just forget me also. 

My heart hurts for them. They lost someone that day six years ago too. And they are just trying to find point B still. I hope and pray that God has a plan for them to find their point B. I know He does! He is amazing and powerful and so very loving. And maybe it's my job to help them find point B. Or maybe it's simply my job to be kind and pray. They are fighting intense battles still. And my heart hurts for them because I know just how lost you can get on this journey. So I forgive. And I pray. And I cry tears for them. And I plead that God will guide them in their journey just as He guided me in mine, and continues to guide me in mine. 

I will also continue to pray for guidance in this journey as I work to forgive and want them to continue on their journey, but also guard my heart and my soul and my mind. I don't want to sacrifice my progress, the progress of my family, for anyone else's progress. But I do want the joy that I have experienced for them. 

So my advice to them, and to anyone else that might be struggling to get from point A to point B? Just forget the world, and turn instead to Our Heavenly Father for guidance and direction. He has the map to your life path. He knows where He wants and needs you to go. You might as well just turn to Him for directions. 

My thoughts and prayers are with my inlaws. And with all people fighting battles. We all need kindness. We all need help in fighting those battles. And we all need Jesus. He'll carry you through. He'll carry them through. He'll carry us through. We just have to let Him! Forget the world. But be kind. For we are all fighting battles...

Tis the Season...

Six years should be more than enough time to get over anything, don't you think? And all of the lessons for hope and love and joy and happiness I have received and written about should be enough to get me over the rest of whatever is dragging me down, right?  Well, even with new found happiness and so much healing and finding peace there are still days that are just hard. There are still days when all I really want is my best friend and a box of tissues and a couch. In this case I'm settling for a warm bath and a blog post in process instead.

Holidays are my favorite! But they can be so very hard when plans change and the course of life is altered. I miss having a husband to share Christmas secrets with. I miss having someone to help me in the chaos and clutter of the season. Don't get me wrong. I have amazing friends and family who have offered to help me, and I appreciate every one of you, but it's just not the same. Walking through Costco and wondering if this coat for Emerson would be perfect and knowing that I have to make that decision all on my own. Picking up the book for Amelia and wishing I could turn to Brian with elation and show him my find. It's hard when those memories flood in and there's just an outline and a shadow of what could have been.

Past years have been easier for me. This one is harder, I think, because there is so much going on. Breaking my foot was not in the best timing. Our house is not decorated. We decided it would be easier if the boxes just stayed in the shed until next year. We decorated our tree tonight. I held back tears as my excited girls hung ornaments on the tree.  Getting the tree took a lot and I mostly settled on a tree that was close to the top so I wouldn't have to trudge with my crutches through the snow. No lights adorn my tree this year. I wasn't sure which box they were in. I also wasn't sure where our stockings were located so those won't be part of this year's tradition. I told the girls that Santa will pile their gifts for them on the couch. He won't need stockings but I'm still sad about it. Amelia doesn't feel well. My parents are super sick. I realized tonight that I didn't order letters or videos from Santa for my girls. And we haven't even gone to see him yet.

Things this year are different. And I have been working hard to not cry the closer we get to Christmas Day. And then when I pause and think about things, I feel badly because I have so many friends who are hurting and sick and also maybe not looking forward to Christmas. Friends who have lost loved ones in the last few weeks. Friends who are fighting for their lives. Friends who have had life-altering diagnoses in their families. And I feel selfish. I'm worried that my tree has no lights? 

Christmas will still come without those things. And I have very forgiving little girls. They understand why we aren't decorating. They exclaim that this is the best tree ever knowing I'm sad about it. They tell me they don't care about not having their stockings.

These things are not important anyways! Christmas is not about stockings and lights and ornaments. It's not about presents and packages. It's not about any of those things. 

Christmas is about love and faith and peace and hope. Christmas is about the story of a baby that was born to save the world from sin and death and Satan. Christmas is about loving the people that God has sent us. Christmas is about remembering the people that touched our lives and graced earth with their presence, even if it wasn't for long enough. Christmas is about light and life and forgiveness. 

Luke 2 is the Christmas story that matters:  8 Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9 And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. 10 Then the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. 11 For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. 12 And this will be the sign to you: You will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger.” 

This is the story that matters. This story is what carries me through the days when I want to cry and just close my eyes and just forget the world. This story is what reminds me of the best of my days. This story is where I close my eyes and wait for the miracles of Christmas, the miracles that my friends and family and I hope on. This is the story that reminds me just how much my Heavenly Father loves and cares for me, and the people that are so important to me. 

Christmas is going to come. The baby is going to be born and we will be reminded of our Savior who was sent to save us. The tears that I cry in sadness and grief will be momentary and will soon be taken over by tears of joy in the promises of mercy and grace and peace from my Father. He doesn't need lights or decorations or fancy dinners. He'll come regardless of all of those things. He'll come to me in my sadness and grief and bolster me up in His love and goodness. And He'll grant healing and comfort to those around me also. 

He is so powerful and so loving. And in my moments in the store or on Christmas Eve when I'm sad about setting up Christmas all alone, He'll remind me that I'm not alone. That He is there with me, loving me, holding me, walking me along the path that He has planned for me. 

I am not alone. And Christmas will still come! There wasn't much fanfare in the stable that night as Jesus lay in the manger in that cold stable surrounded by animals. And Christmas will still come today, without fanfare. We worship the baby. That's all He asks. We remember and worship the baby. “Glory to God in the highest, And on earth peace, goodwill toward men!" Amen!

If Tomorrow Never Comes...

Life is a funny thing.  So many things happen that remind us that tomorrow is not promised.  Something as simple as foot surgery a few weeks ago brought mortality to the forefront of my mind.  As we did the pre-surgery checklist, they asked me if I had a living will, asked what religion I was and if I wanted a pastor called if anything went wrong, asked who my next of kin was.  All of those questions bring about thinking about the "what ifs" and "what would happens."  Having gone through the experience of Brian killing himself, and not having a will in place for either one of us, and the hassle that brought on to me, I accomplished those tasks for myself shortly after his death, especially knowing that I was the last one around responsible for my daughters.  So, yes I have a living will, and yes I have a last will and testament.  And, since I have you as a captive audience, please take the time to get those things done and in place!  It always seemed like something that was so far off in the distance, and yet in the blink of an eye, my husband was dead and I was left to pick up the pieces.  Without those pieces in place, it was much more difficult to get through that process.  So, my public service announcement is GET IT DONE!

There was a time in my life that I worried a lot about the future.  I worried about what tomorrow would bring.  I worried about what would happen.  I worried about my children and my family and my friends.  I worried about them getting sick or dying or being one more person that would leave me behind here on this earth.  My heart would break into a million pieces each time the phone rang with bad news.  I carried that burden so heavily.  Losing Brian was a huge blow for me, even though I can see the blessings of that process, it was still a moment that sucked the wind out of my sails, and left me shaken and feeling so alone and uncertain. 

Then the call about Tom having cancer.  My other dad and the friend that had been a part of my life for so many years had lung cancer.  And before I knew it, they were telling us he only had a couple months and I couldn't believe it.  Flashbacks and worrying and anxiety filled my heart and my head and I was beside myself with fear and worry.  I didn't know what I would do.  I couldn't believe that I was losing another person, another member of my family.

Fast-forward a couple years and here I am once again, facing the diagnosis of a friend who is more like family.  A brain tumor.  Inoperable.  We'll try this, but there's not much we can do.  And in the beginning of October, I felt the same waves of panic and worry and anxiety and helplessness.  I can't do this again.  I can't go through this and lose another person that is oh so close to my heart.  I wanted to run and panic and stomp my feet, and there are still days that I want to do that, but this time, things are different.  Things are different because I have a friend and a prayer partner that I get to walk this journey with.  We get to listen to what the doctors tell us, and know that Our God is much more powerful than any of the doctors and what they tell us.  We can hear the diagnoses and the prognoses of the doctors and choose to believe God's word instead.  That God can heal Clay.

God has filled my heart and my soul and my mind with peace and hope and love and faith.  Those four pillars, those four attributes of Christian life are carrying us through this journey and things are different.  God doesn't want us to worry about tomorrow.  In fact, he tells us that in Matthew 6:34 which says, "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things.  Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."  We are not supposed to worry about tomorrow.  Today has enough worries of its own, but He doesn't want us to worry about today either!  He doesn't want us to worry at all, because He has got us!  He is carrying us through today too! 

Philippians 4:6-7 is one passage in the Bible where God tells us not to worry.  It says, "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.  Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Do not worry.  There are over 300 times in the Bible that God tells us not to worry!  We are not supposed to worry.  We are supposed to trust in His divine plan for our lives.

So, that is how I am choosing to live in this moment.  My friend, and other dad, Clay, finished his last radiation and chemotherapy treatment today for a glioblastoma tumor in his brain.  I will admit that I have been a wreck for parts of this journey, but I am finding myself stronger everyday, as he is also finding himself stronger everyday.  We are choosing to not worry, but to pray instead.  We are choosing to turn to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in this journey, and to walk each other through this time with faith and love and peace and hope.  And prayer!  We are fighting this tumor with prayer and petition to God, our Father.  God is in control of this journey!  And He has promised us TODAY. 

Watching Clay and Melody and their faith on this journey has been miraculous and inspirational.  They are taking one day at a time, to live for Christ, to live as a testimony to Him and His plan for their lives.  And I am humbled and honored to be on this journey with them.  We are celebrating the life and time that Jesus gives us each day.  And I am choosing to reflect that in my own life.  The day that we wake up is the day that God has promised to us.  So, we live the day that we are in to the fullest, and we don't worry about what is going to happen tomorrow.  We pray, and we love, and we live to the fullest the day that we are in!

We also pray for complete healing for all of us!  Healing of a broken bone in my foot.  Healing of a cough that Amelia has picked up because, of course, it's Christmas break so one of us should be sick.  Healing of soul wounds that we all pick up on this journey called life.  Healing of a glioblastoma tumor in a brain.  Our Heavenly Father is so very capable of healing all of these!  And we have faith that He will show His healing miracles to each and every one of us, no matter how big or small our concerns are!  God is the God of miracles, and He wants us all to be able to perform in His kingdom!

So, I ask that you pause for today, for this second right now that you are reading this blog post, and pray!  Pray for healing for whatever attacks and assaults the enemy is producing in your lives.  Pray for deliverance from these difficulties.  Pray for healing for your hearts and your souls and your bodies.  Pray for healing for Clay Maxim, that God would dissolve the tumor in his brain and bring Him to complete restoration to function the way God intended for him to function.

Pray for healing for you and your life.  That God would remind you to live for today.  Live in the present moment.  Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings trouble of its own.  Just live in today.  Tomorrow may not come...tomorrow may never come.  Tomorrow didn't come for Brian.  Tomorrow didn't come for Tom.  Tomorrow may not come for us.  So, live for today!  Live for the miracles that God grants us today!  Live for faith and hope and peace and love.  Live to get stronger everyday!  Live for the joy that God grants us in today!  So many blessings abound in each moment of each day!  Pause to look for those moments!  Pause to look for those blessings!  Pause to pray for those blessings!  Find a prayer partner to share in those moments, a friend, a bestie, someone you can share your walk with!  And pray for today.

Tomorrow may never come and when I think too far into that, that is where my worry and my angst begin, and those thoughts and feelings are not from God.  So, I turn my mind to today.  Tomorrow may never come, but I'm not thinking about that.  I'm too busy loving and living for today!  Loving the people that God blessed me with, and enjoying the minutes of today where I get to hold them and love them and pray for them.  If tomorrow never comes...that's OK because I know that I lived for today...