Because of You...

I have worked, with the help of Father God, through so many things over the last few years. I am healing. Notice I didn't say healed. I know that complete healing is possible and there are certain events that happen that show me that I am not completed yet. I wrote last time that I am a work in progress and that is still certainly true. 

I think as someone who has been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) I have a lot of things to work through. I have several events that I am working towards healing for, and several events that cause me to be drawn into symptoms of PTSD for also. I have talked about PTSD before in my blogs. How I was in denial for so long that this was my diagnosis. How I found a few therapists when we would talk about PTSD. Not me. I'm not a soldier. I haven't been to war. But, in reality, I have. I have been to war. I have battled demons. I have battled myself. I have witnessed people being destroyed and people trying to destroy me. 

So as I walk through the healing process, there are ebbs and flows that I get tossed among, fighting to keep my head above the water that threatens to pull me under. Lately, fighting terrible thoughts and flashbacks, I keep flashing to the music video by Reba MacEntire and Kelly Clarkston called "Because of You." And then, the flashbacks and the list starts in my head. 

Because of you, I don't have confidence in myself. I question who I am in every aspect of life: my job, my role as a mom, my friendships, my role in my family, my role in my church. 

Because of you, I don't ever feel like I'm good enough. 

Because of you, my heart races 100 miles an hour when I enter a dark room, or when anyone stands right behind me. 

Because of you, I can't smell certain colognes without wanting to stop breathing and run, or curl into a ball and sob. 

Because of you, I question the motives of everyone in my life. What do they want? Why are they being nice?

Because of you I change the entire way that I dress and continually question what I am wearing. 

Because of you, I cannot get past the weight of 220 because...what if...

Because of you, I don't trust people and don't see myself ever being in a place where I would trust a man ever again. 

Because of you, my girls don't have a father. I don't have a husband. 

Because of you, the course of my entire life was altered and I watched the dreams I had for myself slip away. 

BUT...healing. The difference between where I was and where I am now! Healing! God is walking me through the healing process with the help of scripture and devotions and a prayer partner who has my best interests at heart. I am healing. Does this mean these thoughts don't creep back in? Not for now it doesn't. But I have faith that someday those thoughts will be gone permanently and I will only identify as someone who USED to have PTSD. I don't know if the medical community ever gives you a clean bill of mental health after this diagnosis. But I know that I have a powerful Heavenly Father that could move mountains if He was so inclined. So erasing four little letters from my history isn't such a big deal for Him. 

I am slowly healing. And the track that keeps playing in my brain is changing. Those "because of yous" listed above are old tracks from the people that launched me into being mentally unhealthy. But I have a new list of "because of yous" started that are all about my Heavenly Father. 

Because of You, I get up out of bed each morning and greet the day by reading Your word. 

Because of You, I am living life to the fullest and truly living rather than existing. 

Because of You, my life is filled with people who love me and care for me. 

Because of You, I am able to deal with the things that are thrown my way such as questions from my kids, memories from my past, and concerns about my future. 

Because of You, I grow stronger everyday and am filled with peace and hope and faith and love. 

Because of You, I have grown in my faith and have helped others to find You and walk in Your glory. 

Because of You, I am building Your kingdom and serving You. 

Because of You, I am destined for greatness as a Daughter of the King. 

Because of You, I am going to use my experiences to help a lot of other people. 

Because of You, I am saved and redeemed and oh so loved!

I am healing, because of my Heavenly Father. I have faith that someday the feelings of yuck will go away completely and I will be strong and courageous for my Father. 

I also thank all of you, my readers, who read my blogs and share them, who encourage me, who message me and let me know your thoughts and feelings. Because of YOU all also, I am able to share more intimately on these posts, in the hope that I am helping others or that my message is reaching ears that need to hear it. 

I am a healed person, with some more work to do, but I will continue on this journey and continue giving my heart to God and continue walking a path towards healing. Because of you...