Just Who I Am

Jeremiah 1:5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations."

How do you identify yourself? I have thought a lot about this over the last few years, but especially over the last few weeks. I have been through a transformation that has solidified who I know myself to be. The main pulse of my identify is that I am a forgiven daughter of the King. A Christian. A believer in the resurrected Christ. That's who I am and who I strive to be each and every day. But, I am also human. And the definitions that the world imposes on me sneak in every once in a while. And thoughts of doubt creep in and threaten to confuse and derail me. 

I have tried to instill these truths into the life of my girls also. To know that they are so loved by Our Father. But the world sneaks in on them also. And the definitions of who we are creep in whether we want them to or not. 

This truth is never more present than when you are filling out the forms required for doctor visits. As a teacher, I put off doctor and eye and dentist appointments until the summertime, not wanting my children (or me!) to miss school and then I cram them all in in the first few weeks of summer. The girls' physicals were last week, with a brand new doctor nonetheless. I moved them to my family practice physician and they had their first appointments. I was handed piles of paperwork for both girls and Amelia was also handed a clipboard and a pen. Being that she is ten now, she had her own form to fill out. And she was taking it very seriously. She was busily filling out her form, throwing the occasional question at me for help. I was finishing up my forms and I glanced up at Amelia. Tears were brimming on her little eyes and she was squirming in her chair. I looked at her and she made eye contact with me. "Mommy. I don't know what to put." and then she turned a ghostly white as she walked across the exam room towards me. She thrust the clipboard and the pen into my hand and stood there, waiting for me to give her advice, or perhaps give her an out. There, in the middle of the family history chart was a question I never thought my daughters would have to consider. 

"Do you have a family history of depression/suicide?" I closed my eyes for a moment and said a quick prayer for strength and the words to say to my girl. I opened my eyes and said "Well, Amelia...you check yes. And in the blank next to it write the word 'father.'" She looked at me with an unsure look on her face and walked back across the room. 

A few hours later she and I were sitting at a table at Evergreen Park watching Emerson and her little play date friend play. She slowly turned to me and said "I didn't like that question being on that form. Why did I have to answer that?" I explained to her about mental illness and that because her father had killed himself, people wanted to make sure that she didn't follow his path. My heart clenched and I held back sobs throughout the entire conversation. Amelia said things like "why would I do that?" And "just because he did doesn't mean that I will too." And "I am not depressed." And "That's NOT who I am." I listened to her little voice and her thoughts fly out and I finally said "You are right! You are not defined by that check box on the form. You are not a yes next to a box about suicide. You are a daughter of our Heavenly King. An amazing creation by Our Father. And you are not defined by that box, or by any box." She breathed a deep sigh and said again, "I didn't like that question." Tears filled my eyes and I simply said, "I know. I didn't either."

Little reminders of what we have been through happen often. And it doesn't matter if we are prepared for them or not. They never get easier. And it's never easy when my children are brought in. But these moments and the way we handle them get easier as we go along, and especially as we remember to bring Christ to the center of these moments. It's not easy to look into my kids' faces and know they are hurting. To think that they are defined as a check box on a form. Amelia very adamantly stated that she didn't want to be a yes check in the suicide question. And I don't want that for her. But, being strong in the Lord, we know that our identity is not in any check box, or any way that the world tries to define us. Our identity is in Christ. Our identity is in the fact that we are saved and precious in His sight! We are daughters of the King. Forgiven. Loved. Saved. So precious. 

That's just who we are! We are strong and faithful. We are full of faith and hope and peace and love. We are stronger everyday and we are learning how to lean on Him for each and every step of this journey called life. We are learning to see the check boxes of life and know that this is one tiny piece of life. Nothing to dwell on. Nothing to get stuck in. Nothing to define us as believers. 

God knew us before He formed us. He knew exactly what He created us to be. He knew Amelia would someday stand in a doctor's office and debate how to answer a question about suicide on a checklist. He also knows that we are so much more important to Him that any of those events we go through in life. He is with us. He is taking care of us. He is walking through life and showing us the path and the plan He has for us!

Daughters of the King. That's just who we are...forever and ever. Amen!