"How are you?" can be such a loaded question. When you are asking that question, do you really pause and think about what you are asking? Do you stop to wonder what the answer might be? There are many times in life where "how are you?" is interchanged as a greeting. You're expecting the person to answer "I'm fine!" and you both carry on with your day. You don't expect the exchange to last any longer than that.
But what if the person has more to say? What if the person sees your question as a moment to connect with someone? I know it depends on your relationship with that person. Asking a stranger "How are you?" as you are passing each other in the aisles at Target is going to feel very different than asking "How are you?" to a friend who just lost their spouse or their child. But should it?
Human connection rarely happens anymore. And I think that not only changed the way we ask that question, but it also changed the way we answer that question. "I'm fine!" is typically how I answer that question, but that is certainly not the answer that is running through my head. Some days, I AM fine! Some days are good and things are even fantastic, but I still say "I'm fine!" and the opposite is also true. Some days I am NOT fine. Some days I'd like to answer "Actually, today really sucks. I wish I was still home and in bed and that the world would just stop for a minute." But I still say "I'm fine!" And we go about our days.
As people, as friends and family and coworkers and even Facebook friends, I think we can do better! I think we can start to put more meaning into our question of "How are you?" And not just surrounding events in lives that we know are hard! Not just right after tragedy has struck, but always! What world problems could we solve if people genuinely wanted to ask (and answer) "How are you?" How many suicides could we stop? How many school shooting plans would be reversed? How much anxiety and depression and spirals into mental illness could be erased? Just by genuinely caring and asking whole-heartedly "How are you?" Looking into the eyes of someone and saying "How are you?" and not silently praying they answer "I'm fine!" so you can both move on with your day.
I was lucky. I am lucky! I had people that asked and genuinely cared about what my answer was. I have people that hear my answer of "I'm fine!" and know if I really am or not. Everyone needs these people. Everyone needs someone that can say "I know you're not..." and I really feel like God has given me the path he has given me so I can stop for a second, think about my question, and ask it with sincerity to see how my friends are doing. I know there are so many of you hurting right now. My heart hurts for all of you and I try hard to ask "How are you?" and wait for a real answer.
But we also need to get better at answering that question. We need to listen to the question and know that they are asking because hey really care! They really want to know. So say, "You know, I'm not great..." or "I'm not sure how I'm going to make it until tomorrow." Reach out! Let people know you need help. Let people know that you are not fine! Ask for help! Ask for prayers! Tell people you need them because even though we need to ask the question better, most people are not mind readers either. The answer of "I'm fine!" isn't startling to people so it's a signal to move on. Search out the next person who might not be fine.
There is SO much hurt and pain and anger and horrors in the world right now. But something beautiful can come of these atrocities. And that is the chance to love someone, the chance to spread love and kindness and help to those who need it most. We don't ask for help very naturally, but it could be as simple as saying "I'm not fine."
For the record, if you asked me today, "I wouldn't be very fine" but I know that I have amazing people that will help me get there! And tomorrow is a new day! So maybe tomorrow I'll be fine...
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