Right this second, every muscle in my body is screaming mad at me. Kickboxing class tonight was killer. I don’t even go to kickboxing on Fridays! How did this even happen?! I was talked into it to support my loving friend and coworker who was taking her first class. And it was a brutal class! I really feel like if that had been my first class I maybe wouldn’t have joined the ILKB family. Haha! But man I felt good after! But Fridays are my run days. I was supposed to complete Week 2, Day 3 of my Couch to 5K app. So, because I’m a bit OCD about stuff, I came home and I ran Week 2, Day 3 of my Couch to 5K app. And now all my muscles are broken. Soak in Epsom salts they said. Now I’m most likely going to have to sleep in the tub because my arms don’t work so good.
I am a tad OCD about this stuff. When I write things down in my planner or on my calendar or in my menu planner, it’s like gospel! I have to do it, or I’m hugely disappointed in myself. I get obsessed. Driven. I have to reach my goals. Part of this is because this is how I have always been. I set a goal and I accomplish it. I write it out, I need to do it. I promise a friend, it happens. Another part of this is that it gives me something to focus on. It’s a great avoidance strategy. When you’re so busy obsessing about runs and kickboxing classes and menu planning and calorie counting you sometimes forget that you’re a widow, or that you were assaulted, or that you have a kidney tumor. The icky can go away for a while.
So I’ve been obsessing a lot about my goal weight. What should I pick? I know that 220 is a hard first goal for me. And as of my unofficial sneak peak this morning of the scale I’m only like four pounds away from that number. Am I going to stop there? No way! My lowest weight back when I married Brian was 219. Should I stop there? I didn’t think so, but I made the mistake of using a BMI calculator today. Ever used one of those? They’re filled with joy and happiness. (And that sentence is filled with sarcasm in case you couldn’t hear it through the typed words on this page.) Did you know that a 5’9, 224 pound woman is obese still? Did you know that a woman who runs three times a week and kickboxes twice a week, and has lost 137 pounds is still obese. Super disappointing. But I’ll be obese until I reach 200. Is that a good goal? Well, according to the charts “no” because then I move to overweight. Want to know what the BMI chart says? The TOP of my range for healthy weight is 169 pounds. I’m pretty sure that might be what I weighed in Kindergarten so I’m not sure that’s attainable. But there’s more! They actually would prefer, based off various formulas and recommendations, that I weigh around 145 pounds. What? That’s insane...
But, being that I haven’t weighed anything below 200 as far back as I can remember, I’m going to take it in baby steps and make my own rules. I’m getting stronger everyday. I’m getting healthy and slimming down. I’m making good food choices and working my rear off (literally and figuratively).
So, my goals: first, I’m going to lose the four-ish pounds I have left to face down my fear of 220. Then I want to hit 200. Then 180. And then we’ll see how I look and feel. I have no idea what it’s like to weigh those numbers. No sense of what it would feel like. What will my stomach look like? Will I still have the weird crooked hips? The squats are for sure adding stuff to my rear end which I never had before. It’s all new. And it will take time. But I will reach my goals!
Kevin James, of King of Queens fame, did a stand up show once called “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.” He has a weight loss goal. He stated that he wanted to lose just enough weight so that his stomach didn’t jiggle when he brushed his teeth. Those are the kind of goals I’m setting for myself. Not the number on the scale. Not weight based on the standards of some chart that wants me to starve myself to get to a seemingly unrealistic number. The non-scale victories. Seeing hips and curve where before I was just sort of a blob. Sliding easily into XL clothes instead of 2X or even 3X clothes. Being able to order a dress online and have it actually fit and feeling so sexy in it. Buying necklaces and bracelets and not being worried that they won’t fasten around my neck or my wrists. Walking up the ramp at Seahawks games and not feeling like I’m dying. Playing with my children and going on hikes instead of laying around napping because I’m too fat. Being able to cross my legs. Not recognizing my face in the mirror sometimes. Coming home after a grueling kickboxing class and then running.
2 Chronicles 15:7 says, “But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” This is my goal. To be strong and not give up. God has called me to this task. He has asked me to finally take care of me. To be strong in Him and healthy for myself. To be a living testament to His words and works and to show others what can be accomplished though Him. I offer praise to my Father for giving me strength and motivation and drive. And I hope that my story will be one that can help others. That will give honor and praise to my Heavenly Father and will be a testament to His grace and His mercy.
I have goals. I have goals that were set for me before I was even thought of. I am God’s beautiful creation and He has set me on this path. I was made for such a time as this and I am going to go the distance until I reach my goals. All honor and praise to His glorious name! Amen!
And now for my next goal: Getting out of the Epsom salt bath...
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