Gone, Gone, Gone...

Negative CT of the kidney. No renal mass. 

I have read the report 1,000 times. No renal mass. No tumor. It’s not there. There is nothing abnormal about my CT scan. Everything looks great. No renal mass. 

October was when I was on the phone with my prayer partner, Melody, opening my results from my ultrasound. And my heart immediately sank as I read that my gallbladder was normal, but they had found a tumor on my kidney. The wind was sucked from my sails. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop the wave of fear that rushed over me. A tumor? I have spent the last few years losing very important people to tumors. How could this be happening? My first reaction was to hide. Run away. Not tell anyone and just suck it up. Melody convinced me otherwise. I needed prayers. I needed my warriors to rise up and pray for me. I needed my God to hear the voices of my people crying out to Him for complete healing. 

I am faithful. I have faith. But I will also admit that my faith wavers. I struggle with things sometimes. And after months of praying for Tom’s lung tumor to shrink, and him being taken from us anyways, and then seven solid months of prayer and intercession for Clay’s brain tumor only to lose him too, I will admit that I struggled with trusting in Him. Every time my very faithful partner prayed for the tumor in my kidney, my heart jerked a little, reeling from the stabbing feeling of hopelessness. Aching inside for the ones that I showered prayers and faith over and not understanding why my prayers were not answered.

But God kept telling me to have faith. So I would pray for Him to bolster me up and help the doubt leave me. That I would have faith that my God is mighty and can do anything. So as Melody would pray for my kidney and pray that the tumor would be removed, I would gently place my hand on my back and silently weep tears of hope. Tears of trust in the One who could take the tumor away. And I would ask for prayers from anyone who would ask. Tell them what the status of things were. Ask for exactly what I wanted.

When my scan was scheduled I would be more specific. I would tell people to at least pray that the tumor wouldn’t grow anymore. That it was benign. But that ultimately I wanted prayers for the tumor to be gone. To go away and not be something I had to deal with. 

My CT scan was yesterday. I had a wave of panic right before I went back to the room and then a wave of prayer. I had asked for prayers. And they came when I needed them. The scan was quick. Easy. Filled with peace. The journey home was the same. 

And then I had to wait. My follow-up appointment was scheduled for the 27th of February. One more month of waiting and wondering and praying. 

Then, today, an email from my doctor came in. “Great news! Negative CT of the kidney. No renal mass.” It took a few seconds for it to register. No renal mass. I kept reading, trying to allow time for my brain to catch up to my eyes. No renal mass. The tumor is gone? I read down further. The report talked about the ultrasound that showed the tumor. “Renal mass on outside ultrasound.” The ultrasound I had looked at in October, proving that a tumor was actually really there.  And then my eyes darted back up to the top “Negative CT of the kidney. No renal mass.” The tumor is gone!

Tears flooded the afternoon. And more tears every time I think about it. Complete beautiful healing. The tumor is gone. And more tears. And I share my news and more tears. And I write this and more tears. I am so grateful for all the people in my life. Thankful for the friends and family that prayed and encouraged and praised alongside me. And immensely thankful for my almighty and powerful God in Heaven, that used His mighty hand and removed the tumor from my kidney. Thank you, Jesus, for your many blessings. 

A huge leap of victory today! A step of faith and the testimony I now get to share with others! The tumor is gone! And my faith is bolstered and my trust in Heavenly Father is multiplied and I hope yours is too!

But I cannot, you cannot, be complacent. For the enemy is lurking right around the corner, waiting to find the crack in the facade. In my head, the celebration of praise and thankfulness to Father God rolls on. But in my heart, the ache of my loved ones I have lost. What I would do to trade a tiny benign kidney tumor for a lung tumor or a brain tumor. Satan pulls at my heart, whispering lies to me about my faith and my prayers. How weak they are. How I wasn’t faithful enough to save Tom or to save Clay. And I close my eyes, and push them below me and declare Satan to get under my feet. Because he wants to steal my joy and my faith and my hope. But He cannot. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. 

I don’t know why my tumor was healed but so many others suffer and die from their ailments. I don’t have an explanation for those differences. I do know it has nothing to do with the amount of faith or how hard you pray or whether you go to church. It has to do with God’s plans for His people. God’s plan for Tom was to take a good and faithful servent to join Him in Heaven. God’s plan for Clay was to use his sickness to strengthen Him in His faith and to bring hope and love and peace and faith to those around Him. And to have him join the angels in heaven. 

My plan? I don’t know what my plan is quite yet. I believe that God is going to use me for His greater good. I believe that God has walked with me through this life to bring faith and hope to others. I believe that I have gone through things to be able to be a testimony to others, and to share God’s love and mercy and grace with those around me. And one of the best parts of all that? I now get to do it tumor-free! No renal mass. Now excuse me while I go and read the report a million more times. And spend my evening praising my God and giving thanks for He is so good!