Recently I shared a post that my friend and prayer partner Melody wrote. If you didn’t get a chance to read it, you should. It was a beautiful testimony and first-hand account of grief. How grief works. How it feels. The rawness of her words are the perfect description of how this wicked game plays out. She, still working through her year of firsts, spoke of the sudden stings, the loneliness even when you are with people, the fog of the first few months lifting and the coldness of your reality as you start to try and figure out just how you’re going to let life happen after losing the one you love. Grief is the hardest work one will ever go through. And when you see or hear someone going through grief, it digs up the twinges of your own personal hell as you also try and make sense of the feelings that are happening for them.
I would like to piggyback a bit on her writings. Grief is awful. People who haven’t been there would really like there to be a timeline. A point where the person grieving looks around and proclaims, “OK, I’m done!” Being someone who is grieving, I would like for that to happen too. Melody and I often have conversations where I get brave enough to share with her about something I’m feeling and I get so angry. “Why is this happening again? Why is this coming up? I should be done!”
Seven years have gone by since Brian killed himself. But there are still moments that sting. Still moments where I am surrounded by people and feel so very alone. Yesterday was a good example of that. The girls and I had the best day celebrating Valentines. We got our nails done. We went to a movie with my folks and Sherri. We went and got Chinese food - our favorite! And yet, through all the happy moments, I still felt so very sad and so very alone.
It started yesterday morning as I watched all of my friends’ little girls getting dressed and getting their hair done and getting all made up to attend the daddy-daughter dance. Last year when I shared with a friend my sadness, they told me I was being silly. That of course my girls could attend. My daddy m, their Pa, would love to take them if I asked him. That wasn’t the point. My heart hurts that my girls will never get a dance with their dad. Not at these dances. Not at their weddings. Never. My heart hurts for them. And I grieve.
And as I hugged Sherri and hugged my parents and thanked them for the best Valentines ever, my heart was sad. Brian spoiled me always on Valentines. Yellow roses. Always yellow roses. And cards. And stuffed bears. And as much as I love the new traditions and the new things that we do to fill the holidays, it still doesn’t take away the fact that I don’t have the person I picked to spend my life with. My heart hurts knowing that he is missing life and all that it has to offer. He is missing our journey and our walk. He’s missing taking his little girls to the dance. He’s missing movies and dinners out and fun-filled days. Sadness. And anger. And loneliness in a room full of people.
And then a reminder from Father God. This week was filled with the joyous news that I don’t have a kidney tumor. That I have been healed. And the song that I have been listening to obsessively is called “You Make Me Brave.” I was given the verse Habakkuk 3:19 “The Lord God is my strength, my bravery. He will walk me through places of trouble and suffering.” This reminds me that God makes me brave.
I have been through hell and back several times on my life path. I have more than enough reasons to grieve. To be sad. To want to run away and never come back. To stay in bed all day and never come out of the house. But time and time again, Father God showers me with His blessings. He takes the yuck in my life and transforms in before my very eyes. He takes my hard days and turns them into sunshine-filled moments. Seeing the messages in my messes, He makes me brave. He makes me see that through every struggle, there is a testimony waiting to be told. And even though there are hard times, I can look to Him and see that the victory is already mine. I don’t have to be afraid because I know that He os right beside me, through every trial and tribulation. And He will lead me to the end where I will look back and see the footprints in the sand, the moments when He carried me through.
He teaches me to trust Him fully, with every aspect of my life. He makes me brave. And if you can see the message in my mess, please know there’s a message in your mess too! Fall into His arms, trust Him, and let Him make you brave too! The Lord God is YOUR strength, YOUR bravery. He will walk YOU through places of trouble and suffering. He makes you brave...He makes me brave. In all of life’s trials. In grief. In sadness. In loneliness. In pain and suffering. He makes me brave. And He can make you brave too.
No comments:
Post a Comment