Eyeballs

We've been sort of on a nightmare roller coaster here in our little house. And when this happens, we all get sick...we all get tired...we all get sick and tired. I know I've blogged about nightmares before, and this post is not another one of those posts, but it's a post about the aftermath of being sick and tired. We talk about death...a lot! It comes up at least once a week. I think that when an immediate member of your family dies, it just becomes par for the course to talk about death. Amelia is the most curious one...the one most fascinated with death and dying. We talk about her fish dying when she was little. We talk about how she almost died when she was first born because she wouldn't breathe on her own. We talk about daddy dying...Tonight's just one more thing moment turned into just a million more things moment. It's hard to just cut a six year old off when talk turns to death and dying and heaven and Satan. So, when she looked at me and said, "Mommy, I know why Emerson is having such horrible nightmares" my heart sank to my knees and I asked her why. She scrunched up her forehead, raised one of her eyebrows and said, "I'm pretty sure it has to do with Satan." I smiled and said that I agreed. That Emerson's horrible dreams could only be Satan's doing. Then, she squeezed her hands into fists and said, "That Satan has a lot of nerve coming down here to our house and messing with my sister. If he thinks he can get away with that, he's got another thing coming because I'll kill him." I'm pretty sure my eyes went wide because she quickly unclenched her fists and said, "Oh, that's not very nice. If I do that, then God is mad and Satan wins because he wants me to be mean. So nevermind." I gave her a kiss, turned off the light and started to walk away, when I hear, "Wait, Mommy...just one more thing, please?" I turned and leaned against the door. Amelia sat up in bed, glared into my eyes and said, "Mommy...how did daddy die?" I so badly wanted to get back to that other topic about Emerson's nightmares. I walked back to Amelia's side and sat on the bed and started to give her my scientific version of events where I tell her that his heart stopped beating and his brain stopped working. She reached over and grabbed my face with her hands and said, "No, mommy...HOW did daddy die?" Ugh...tears flooded into my eyes. This is not a conversation I'm ready to have with you folks (should that be plural?!), let alone with my six year old daughter. So, I grabbed her hands with tears in my eyes and I said, "Amelia, this is a very important conversation that I promise you we will have someday, but Mommy is not prepared to have that conversation with you now." She looked sideways at me and said, "Aww, man! I have to wait?" I smiled and said, "Mommy has to wait for God to tell me when it's the perfect timing and for Him to give me just the right words, and He hasn't done that yet. So we both have to just wait." She smiled at me, and laid back down. Her last words to me were, "Is this on our list of things we don't talk about at school?" We have a rule...that she can ask any question she wants to and I will do my best to give her an answer (an HONEST answer), but there are certain topics that if I ever hear she is talking about at school with friends, then our deal is off and we can't have those conversations for a while...such as where babies come from, or death, or medical knowledge...she's constantly asking me to show her pictures of things that she and I think are cool, but might gross out a majority of her classmates, like the time she asked if her eyeball could pop out of her head and then wanted me to Google it to see if there was a picture on the internet. (There is, by the way!!) So, I answered her that if she felt like she needed to talk about her daddy dying at school that she could talk to her friends about that if she felt like she needed to, but that it would probably be a better idea to talk to her teacher, Ms. D, or MomMom or Pa, or Marilyn, but that she was in a unique situation because most of her friends hadn't experienced death the way she had and their parents may not apperciate the lesson coming from Amelia. She understood, and then asked why God couldn't have given her something different to be unique about. She then quickly apologized, told God that she loved the way her life had ended up, and that she was sorry she was not more appreciative. I smiled and hugged her and told her how proud I was of her, and how proud God was of her. She asked, "One more thing? What do you think heaven is like?" (Seriously...let's hit ALL the heavy topics in one night...) so I gave her my best rendition of heaven..clouds and angels and sparkle and the people we love and God and Jesus and...she placed her hand on mine and said, "That's much more fun to talk about then death, huh?" I smiled and told her that I couldn't agree more. These conversations take the wind out of my sails as a momma. When I started on this path to husband and kids and family I didn't think that I would end up in place where I was talking death to a six year old. But, it's part of our reality. Death happened in our house. Death came and took a piece of our family, and my girls have questions. Amelia wants to know how it happened. Emerson wants to know why we're missing boy in our house. Some days, I want to know why I was placed into this life to have to explain death to two beautiful little girls. Why we couldn't have bedtime chats that just revolve around ballet or toys or friends at school. And then I think of Amelia's words of wisdom that I just typed up above. I need to apologize to God, tell Him that I love the way my life ended up, and show more appreciation for what He has done for us! We may not have a boy in our house, but that too was part of the Master's plan. And God placed me with these two little girls for a reason. Maybe it is to teach them about death and dying and heaven and resiliency. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm the one that is supposed to learn from them, because I do each and every day. What a relief to know that the three of us are in this together! There would be no one else that I would pick to be on this journey with me than those two little girls! So, I cherish all of my moments with my girls and I look forward to more conversations about babies, and death, and eyeballs falling out of heads because I am glad my girls are comfortable asking me those questions, but I'm also thankful for every moment with them...even the conversation I'll have to have someday about how their daddy died. Until then, I'll take the eyeball question any day :)