When things are off-kilter in my home, the first to go is our sleep. My children are the same way. Every morning for the last few weeks at least, I have been waking up little zombies every morning. They whine and cry and beg for more time. They throw little fits as I usher them to the shower and turn the water on, begging them to just shower, it’ll make you feel better. That doesn’t work for our kind of tired. The shower only makes you wet. It doesn’t make you awake. When the exhaustion creeps in and seeps into every crevice and every corner of your being, the water streaming onto your face only masks the tears for a little bit. Things are off-kilter right now. And our sleep is suffering.
Emerson, my usually chipper morning girl, trudges to the shower, crying and begging for it to be Friday so we can go to bed and sleep our way through the weekend. Amelia, who is like her momma and could stay up all night long, has never been a morning person, but is even less so now. Two mornings a week I wake her a bit earlier to jump in the shower first so she can catch a ride with my parents to school for early morning choir practice. This morning’s wake up brought tears and begging me to let her skip choir and stay sleeping. I coaxed her from under the covers and lied to her, telling her the shower would make her feel better. When she was done she walked to the edge of my bed and grumbled, “Now I’m tired and wet and cold…” before she turned and walked to her room to pull clothes over her shivering little body. And me? I am used to no sleep. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten the full amount of sleep I’m probably supposed to get. Between babies and Brian dying and all that came with that package, sleep has sort of been an elusive dream at times. It also doesn’t help that if I am processing something, it manifests itself in dreams, nightmares, night terrors, however I am going to work it all out. I have been trapped in a night terror for three nights in a row now, searching for something, waiting for realizations to happen, and for my Father in heaven to eventually lead me down the healing path that I am destined for in this journey. It’ll happen. I never know how long it might take, but it’ll happen.
So, really, we all wake up little zombies. I stagger my way through my day, fighting a five-day headache and wondering if I’ll make it until I can fall into my bed again tonight, knowing full well that I won’t be resting. Knowing that I’ll be thinking and overthinking and wondering and then, when I do fall asleep, I’ll be fighting the demons in my nightmares. Sometimes it gets to the point where I don’t want to go to sleep, so rather than fall into bed and risk being thrust into the darkness where I’m running and searching, and climbing, and crying, I force myself to stay awake. Talking to friends and keeping them up until the wee hours of the morning so I can do anything but lay in bed and risk all of that all over again.
This morning, as I shooed Amelia out the door to choir, I jumped in the shower and cried. Cried from exhaustion. Cried because my babies are so tired. Cried because my friends are not getting rest. Cried because I’m so busy at work and my friends are sick or hurting. Cried because people have lost loved ones. Just cried. One giant pity party. Then, I could see Emerson’s figure outlined in the tinted glass of the shower door. So, I stopped crying, got out of the shower, got dressed, and summoned her to the bed to snuggle with me. She asked me why I was crying and I told her. I told her that I was sad that we are all so tired and I wish that I could fix it. And then, her tiny, sure, confident, also sleepy voice reminded me, “Um, you can’t fix any of this. But God can!” I smiled at her, and I grabbed my Bible and turned to Matthew 11:28 which reads, “Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Emerson asked what that means and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I explained to her that it means that I am looking to find rest in all of the wrong places. I am wanting rest in my big king-sized bed in the midst of troubles and heartaches. I am wanting rest in my own head, fighting the demons by myself and relying on my own tenacity to get through this. I am wanting rest from my headaches by worrying and panicking and thinking the worst. I am wanting rest from the nightmares by working through things on my own and getting to the end of the dream so that I can solve…what? This is not how I get rest. I get rest by putting down the worries and the burdens and the pains and the fear. I get rest by being still with Him and knowing that He is there and carrying me through all of this. I get rest by praying and singing praises to the name of my Heavenly Father who is there to bolster me up, dust me off, and move me forward. I get rest by letting go, and letting God. He is the Master Planner. He is the Wonderful Counselor. He is the one that will walk us all through this, and give us rest. Mathew 11:28. God’s nighttime solution written just for me. As I fight sleep and fight in my nightmares, He is standing next to my bed, holding my hand, wiping the tears from my eyes, and boldly stating: “Tammy, come to me. You are weary and burdened. I have rest waiting right here for you.”
And this solution is for all of my friends and family, and even strangers that I don’t even know as well! So, pray this out loud if you are struggling with nighttime issues, no sleep, insomnia, nighttime demonic attacks, nightmares, night terrors, whatever it is you are struggling with. Insert your name at the beginning of this statement and read it knowing that it is presented in God’s sweet, gentle voice, “__________, come to me. You are weary and burdened. I have rest waiting right here for you.”
So, sleep tonight! Sleep knowing that the Good Shepherd is standing beside your bed, wanting you to rest and find comfort in him. The Shepherd will help you count sheep, and fall peacefully asleep in His loving presence.
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