Spring Cleaning

As much as I would like that hour back that we lost this past weekend, I really love getting more daylight in the evenings! It just makes my heart happier! The dreary winter is done. Spring is on it's way! The geese are coming back. Birds are chirping. The frogs are croaking at night from the ponds. I love this time of year! Along with the changes of spring and the change to our time, comes the change to how I feel about the house...spring cleaning needs to happen! And spring cleaning has been happening already! I have taken lots of time in the last few weeks to purge and clean and get rid of and just get the house in order in general. Much of the cleaning that has already taken place has not only been good for decluttering the house, but has also been crucial to decluttering my soul. So much "stuff" I have been carrying around, clinging to, waiting for...what, I'm not sure! I finally decided it was time to clean and purge and get rid of stuff! So, that's what I've been doing. Cleaning and purging and getting rid of stuff that I don't need, stuff that is unwanted, stuff that was just wasting space! I have taken boxes to Goodwill, sold things, given things away to friends. I have rearranged and rethought and reformed. I have boxed up stuff, made some very tough decisions, and followed through on things that I knew would be better gone than to have in the house. I got rid of things that I felt needed to be gotten rid of. And, then I got rid of my car...Brian's car. It never really was MY car. I've always been a truck girl, and I'll continue to be a truck girl. After Brian died I didn't want to drive the car for a long time, so it sat. And then, I forced myself to drive it because the gas mileage was WAY better, but I never felt settled driving it. It wasn't mine! So, I made the decision to get rid of it! What a weight was lifted off of my shoulders when the new owners drove it down the road. I felt happy...I felt free...I felt like it was the best decision I'd ever made. What a relief! And what money I would be saving with it off my insurance policy, and not having to buy tabs for it anymore, and not driving it and using gas, and not needing to service it. It was gone! And I was free... And then...Anxiety. Fear. Panic. Sadness. A whole flood of emotion came rolling back. The girls and I went for another staycation this past weekend and although I had a blast with my kids, there was this underlying feeling that something wasn't right. Something seemed off. Something was different. And old thoughts and feelings started creeping in. I was scared and confused. What was different? What happened? Things were going along wonderfully and now this?? What had changed? I've mentioned a few times that I go to therapy. So, I went in to see her on Monday and we started talking about how things were going and as I was talking, I began to have to fight back tears. Fight back sadness. Fight back floodgates and I wasn't sure what was happening. For those of you that know me, you'll know that I HATE to cry! For those of you that know me better, I'm sorry! HA! Crying and emotion is hard! I don't do it well. I just like to be left alone. I don't like to cry in front of people. I don't like to show emotion or let people know that I'm having a hard time. So, I've gotten very good at pushing it down. Ignoring it. Stifling it until I can get somewhere not around people. It's hard. So hard. Even when I'm paying someone to watch me cry. I HATE it! So, I was having a hard time trying not to lose it in therapy. Because even there I have a hard time. I apologized for crying and struggling. And then the words my therapist said next caught me off guard. "You're grieving." Um, excuse me? Why would I be doing that? I'm cleaning! I'm purging! I've done a lot of work to rid my life of things that might make me cry. What do you mean I'm grieving? (I didn't actually say these things They stayed in my head.) I finally mustered a comment, "Well, I don't want to do that, so make it stop." My therapist who knows me very well by now chuckled and told me that wasn't possible. That I needed to go through this process. That I need to grieve. That I haven't finished my process and pushing down and not grieving only postpones that event. So, at the end of our session, she told me to go home and grieve. Grieve and cry and process and do all those things that you do when you grieve...and then to get lots of rest because grieving is hard, exhausting work. So, I left her office, and I've been very busy since. I've avoided the people that I know would help me grieve. I've ignored the fact that I'm supposedly grieving. I've felt my anxiety sky-rocket and I'm very good at just blaming work stress, or kid stress, or progress report stress, or stress of change. Not grief! Not sadness! Not where I want to be right now. There is no time to grieve. I've done all that I need to. I'm over that part. As I'm tucking Amelia into bed tonight, I lay down next to her and snuggled for just a minute. As I'm leaving, she looks at me and says, "Mommy, something's different with you. What's wrong?" "What do you mean, Amelia? I'm fine!" "Yeah, you always say that, but you're not. I can tell. Something's wrong." "I'm not sure what you mean, but I'm really fine." "Well, I just wanted to let you know that if you need to talk about anything, I'm here for you, just like you're here for me!" "Thank you, Amelia! I really appreciate that! I'm OK. Sometimes I just get sad." "Are you sad we got rid of daddy's car?" "No, honey. I don't think so. Are you?" "Yeah, a little bit. You know I get attached to things. Just like you." I laughed and said, "Yeah, I know. But getting rid of the car was a good thing." "I can tell you're not sure. It's ok to not be sure, isn't it?" "Yeah, it's ok to not be sure. I'm glad I got rid of the car. We really didn't need two cars. I think I'm just sad about other things about the car." "You mean like daddy?" "Yeah, maybe just a little." "It's ok if you're sad. I'm sad too sometimes. That's why we're family! We can help each other!" "You're absolutely right, Amelia. We are family and we will help each other! Now, you need to get to bed!" She threw her arms around my neck and squeezed tight. "I LOOOVE your truck, mommy." "I love my truck too, La. But I love you and Emerson even more!" She smiled and tucked under her covers. I turned off the light and walked down the hallway. I know how important it is to grieve. I know that those steps are important. Not grieving and not relieving stress is how I got into the whole seizure mess in the first place, I believe. But, being a rather guilty person, I then think about my babies and start to feel badly about grieving. How could I grieve when I have two beautiful, amazingly special little girls just down the hallway? I have a great job, a nice house, fun little pets running around. I have the best neighbors in the world in my parents. I have the best babysitter. My kids go to a great school. I am blessed with the best friends ever! I get to do fun things all the time. I am blessed! I am blessed! I am blessed! I shouldn't be grieving! I shouldn't be in this space. But, I should be. Grief is a hard, wicked process. And grief complicated by a backstory too public for my blog at this point is even harder, more wicked, worse to process. I'm sad, but don't feel I should be sad. I get angry at silly things. I'm jealous of the grief process of others who maybe have uncomplicated grief. I wish I was one of those people that could just work through it and be done. Why did they have to call it a cycle? My type A personality would really like it to be a line, moving from point A to point B and being able to assign a timeline to when you will get to point B. But, it's a cycle...a process. And I'm still in that process. You would think after three and a half years that I would be done with the process. And I felt like I almost was. And then I sold and got rid of and gave away a bunch of stuff. And here it is again! So, I'm do the best I can to process and grieve and move back into the phase of grief where the roller coaster track highs and lows aren't as bad. And I'll hug my babies, thank my sitters, praise my kids' teachers, thank my district for a great job, continue taking care of my house, love on my puppy and bunny and chickens, tell my parents how much they mean to me, and continue to thank God for the people He has brought into my life to bolster me up and carry me through this crazy thing called life. I will grieve and I will get stronger and I will move forward and someday be able to help someone else through their process. Bad things happen to people every day, and I can only think and hope and pray that God has carried me through this process to be able to help someone else in the same kind of situation. I certainly hope not, but I know that I'm equipped and ready, because that person will come to me someday. Good grief!