I don't think it's a secret that I am a Christian. I believe in God. I have since I was a little girl. I was baptized as a baby. I went to a parochial school from Kindergarten through Eighth Grade. I have attended the church I am currently a member at since I was little. I have been religious for a long time. Over the last few years, my faith has ebbed and flowed between strongly convicted to barely hanging on by a thread. I will admit that I have struggled on my journey with my faith and with God through all of this. This has been especially true since September 30th, 2010. Five years ago this very night...
There are many details of that night that are forever burned into my heart and my soul. And going back to the PTSD that I mentioned yesterday, the memories of that night flood into my mind like it was yesterday. Several times tonight I have stopped myself from flowing into a panic attack. I have dropped to my knees and asked God for strength to push past a certain time on the clock. I have journaled and breathed and sang praises and talked to my Heavenly Father and asked Him for strength. I am strong in the Lord!
I mentioned yesterday that I don't do emotion well. So, my daily walk today was flooded with emotion sitting just on the surface. I finally slowed my walking, closed my eyes and asked "Father, how am I going to get through the coming month?" You see, I dread flipping the calendar. As soon as school starts, I begin to panic about October. I have never dealt with October well since 2010. One year I had a giant seizure. One year I ran away. One year I was drunk in a church. By the way, I want to right now apologize to anyone who was impacted by any of those events. I just don't know how to do emotion well. And this is all BIG emotion.
This year? I walk. And I talk to my God. And I asked Him "how am I ever going to survive this month?" Because seizures and running and drunkeness are not the answers. They didn't fix anything. They maybe helped in the moment. Were a protective mechanism for getting past the day. But I still am here today wondering how to deal with October. Feeling the panic. Feeling my chest get tight and my breathing speed up. Feeling my cheeks get flushed and the tears welling in my eyes. Remembering the words that were spoken and the pain in my heart as Brian admitted to me the awful things he had done. I'm not going into details here. Many of you know. Many of you maybe don't. But I feel my focus isn't supposed to be on the tragic story. It isn't about sharing gory details of what happened. It isn't dwelling on the past and the horrific things that transpired in my living room on September 30th, 2010.
When I was walking and asked God how I was going to survive October? He had my answer...blog! Tell your story. Share with your audience your thoughts and feelings. Your trials and tribulations. Be a beacon of hope for those that are struggling. Be a hand that reaches out and saves someone from drowning. Take your experiences and lend your story to others so that they will not suffer.
My journey the past five years has been wild. The girls and I have been on a roller coaster of emotion. We have gone from the lowest of the lows to the highest of the highs and back and forth again and again. And in the last week, I have hit the highest point ever of those highs! I have reached a new level of faith and freedom and it feels so good! It is so good, that I believe that it is my mission from God to share what the last five years have been. So that others may know that they are not alone. And that their story isn't done!
I thought many times that my story was done. That this was going to be how my story would end. When you're a little girl planning out your future, none of the stuff from the last five years was in that story. There just aren't stories with room for chapters filled with deceit and lies, assault and broken-ness, suicide and struggle. My story shouldn't have included torment and anguish and demons. But it did! My life certainly wasn't the romantic comedy I had always envisioned. It was never supposed to be the horror story that has been laid out over the last five years. There was no place in my story for being a widowed mom. No chapters filled with attacks from Satan and my own personal hell on earth. But it happened.
So, I'm here in my living room, five years to the day from that night, running through scenes that continue to bounce around in my head. If I look across my living room I can see Brian standing there as if it was yesterday. And before, had I been presented with this opportunity to have him stand before me, I would have been furious. I would have wanted to give him a piece of my mind and say all of the things I never got to say. To ask the whys and what happeneds. To curse him for ruining so many lives in a series of events.
But tonight, God has a different plan for me. Peace! Forgiveness! Joy! He heals my wounds and dries my tears. He casts out the demons and cradles me and the girls in His loving arms. And you know what else? He gives me the grace and love that I need to continue to write my story. God and I work together, not to rewrite the past. Before I looked at my healing process as rewriting the past. But that cannot happen. Those chapters, filled with the horror and sorrow and anguish and fight? I can now see that those are my blessings. The last five years was desperately needed to determine my place in this world and the path that I am supposed to be on. I needed to go through everything that I went through to get me to this moment right here, right now. The romantic comedy that I had in mind? The horror story that I thought I got stuck with? Neither of those is what God had or has in mind for me. He has walked me through the fires, and has brought me out the other side so that I can write my story. So I can share my story and help others to learn to write their stories. I know that God has a purpose in all of this mess. He sees me in the bottom of my mess, not knowing what to do with emotion and trapped and tarnished and panicky. And He pulls me out of all that, washes me clean, and gives me the tools to write my story. He gives me the tools to share with others so they don't have to go for five years of suffering before they are released and are free. With the help of God, I am writing my story! And how exciting it is to know that the best chapters haven't even been written yet!
So I will be blogging more often, or trying to, and telling my story a piece at a time. Maybe there will be a piece that you recognize. Maybe there will be a chapter you have read before in your own life. Maybe you will see a similar genre unfolding in your own story. My hope? My prayer? That something you read will help you out from under your own oppression. That a piece of what I write will save you from the depths of whatever it is you're going through. That maybe, you also will realize that you have a purpose and that your path is leading you right where you need to be!
Ready or not! Life comes at you with a myriad of challenges and blessings. Use them! The challenges AND the blessings, for you are writing the greatest story ever told! YOUR story! I don't mean to spoil the ending, but I know that my story will end in victory and I hope yours will also!
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