Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." I must be insane...
How many years have I tried to lose weight? How many times have I sworn to eat healthy and exercise and finally get down to a healthy BMI? How many programs have I tried and fad diets and exercise apps and new shoes and high tech workout clothes. New treadmill? Medal motivation? When I look back to just one year ago, I had already finished a 5K...the Seahawks 5K. I was feeling so good. So proud. So energetic and so eager to take it to the end. FINALLY I had figured out the right combination for me to be successful. I carried my New Years Resolution to run and complete my 5K and 10K apps from January all the way through November 5th. And then, I broke my foot.
I tried hard to fight the sadness and depression...the wanting nothing but to eat myself into oblivion. I fought the sadness of not being able to run. In fact, I maybe overdid it a lot of the time after I broke my foot, pushing myself to move and keep going even with a broken foot. Pushing a walker all over the streets of Seattle, hopping from room to room, not wanting to slow down enough to settle because who was I without running and exercising. I don't think anyone knew that I was down and depressed. That I wasn't sure what I was going to do with myself. That each night I would cry in pain and in fear and in uncertainty of not knowing how I was going to be OK. If I didn't have anything to drive me forward, how was I going to keep losing weight and keep being successful.
Well, I haven't been eating the best lately, and I find myself on the end of a splurge that has finally said "ENOUGH!" My clothes are fitting tighter. I'm winded walking up stairs and through hallways. My back and my head and my joints are killing me. I let myself go too far. The difference? I have caught myself before I gained too much of it back. But, there's something more to this journey. There's something missing from the walking and the WeightWatchers and the life style changes. What's missing? In my prayers and petitions to Father God, I have come to realize that there is a piece of me that needs healing. There is a piece of me that cannot keep the success going. There's a piece of me that gets down to a certain weight, and the brakes come on, and the eating starts, and the not caring picks right back up where it left off. There is a huge piece of me that I need to turn over the God and ask for Him to lead me through.
I can have every minute of every day planned down to the second. I can have the best meal plans, and the best food in the house. I can have top of the line tennis shoes and state of the art equipment. I can have the best apps money can buy and all the motivation in the world. But that right there is the problem. I work very hard to plan and try and make everything work out ok. But, time and time again, I have been unsuccessful. Breaking my foot was a convenient excuse. I would have hit a wall and had a hard time even if my foot hadn't fractured that night in November. I remember sitting on the table in the Emergency Room when a wave of relief hit me. I could stop running...and then the fear that came right after that relief. I had to stop running. I had immersed my identity in this process, this journey. I had become a runner, obsessed with the next goal, the next finish line, the next segment on my app telling me what to do. I was burying my emotions and my guilt and my pain and my fear into the rhythmic beat of my feet on a treadmill. I used that time to talk to God, so I don't consider it a waste at all, but it was superficial conversations. It was avoidance of things that are deep within my soul. It was running and problem-solving issues that aren't mine to solve.
So, fatter and tired-er and sore-er, I am starting anew. Insanity - doing the same thing over and over again. Except this time, I'm not insane. And I'm not crazy. And I'm not avoiding anything. I messaged my bestie about my realization a few days ago - I need healing! I need to give this piece of my life to God. So much of my journey has been about healing and reinventing who I am in my Heavenly Father's eyes and reinventing who I want to be. I am so much stronger and wiser and I am filled with peace and love and hope and faith! But I need to give this last piece of my life, this last piece of insanity to HIM!
I'm starting again with the WeightWatchers and the running, although walking first and then when I get clearance from my surgeon, perhaps the running will commence again. But, I am not taking the route of insanity! I'm taking the route where I give this part of my heart and my soul to God, and He is going to walk me through. He is going to heal this part of me. He is going to take my hand, and gently walk me through the pain and the heartache and the insanity that I keep tucked away inside, that helps when the Tammy I have always known just stays fat and unhealthy. So, back to step one, where I plan out everything, and then sigh a big sigh of relief as I realized that it isn't mine to stress about. I'm giving it to my Father to take on and He will walk me through the weight loss journey.
This Easter week, as I walk through the week and think about the events that led from Jesus's triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and will eventually lead to my Lord and Savior hanging on a tree, I think about insanity. I think about the simplicity of just turning it over to Him! How freeing! How healing! How amazing to be able to pause in the madness and take a deep breath and feel alive once again!
John 8:36 says, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."
Free indeed! Free at last! Jesus went to the cross and set me free! I need to only hand it over to him for complete, amazing freedom! The Son has set me free! And with help from Him through prayers and praise, I will be free indeed!
Amen!
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