Tuesday, January 1, 2019

A Million Dreams...

I’ve always been a dreamer. A daydreamer. I dream at night. I process through things in my dreams. I’m often conjuring up images in my head of hopes and wishes and dreams for the future. I can envision myself doing things. It even goes as far as imagining things I would like to get done. Imagining myself darting around my house cleaning up this and that. Or daydreaming about starting dinner. I have a whole mind full of things I would like to accomplish. And this is especially true as the clock struck midnight last night and I turned the calendar to an array of new possibilities. I have high hopes for 2019 and the blank slate that has been presented to me.  I dreamed all day of resolutions and plans and ideas. 

And then reality of who I am set in. You see, right now I’m struggling with my autoimmune issues. I have Hashimoto’s Disease. I was diagnosed with it when I was thirteen years old but I never let it hold me back. In fact, I rarely talk about it to anyone because I don’t want it to be an excuse, a crutch to keep me from doing things. My thyroid is the culprit behind this disease and it is attacking my body. Usually it’s managed through medication but lately something is going a bit haywire. And as much as I don’t want to use it as an excuse it has wreaked havoc on my system lately. I am in constant pain in my joints. No matter what I do, all the weight I worked so hard to lose has slowly crept back on, and then some. It takes all I can muster to get out of bed in the mornings. I’m fatigued. Exhausted. So so tired. And stuck in the vicious cycle of no energy - gaining weight - even less energy - even more weight gain. 

So as January 1st rolled into the present my dreams turned to diet and exercise, which has been a daily struggle my whole life. I bought a planner, messaged my kickboxing instructor, joined forces with my sister, and set off on my new life changes. I planned my menus for the week and went grocery shopping. Planned my workouts for the week. Set alarms for kickboxing. Wrote out my goals. Hopes were high that I would find my dreams once again. I completed Week One, Day One of my Couch to 5K app, and sobbed through most of it. I was in excruciating pain for most of it. My joints seared with every step I took. My hands hurt. My hips hurt. My feet hurt. And all I could think about was how just eight short months ago I was in the best shape of my life. And here I am starting from the beginning again. Fifty pounds heavier. Muscles that don’t know what to do with themselves. Clothes that don’t fit. Old habits that snuck back in. 

I’m ashamed. Embarrassed. So sad that I am having to start all over again on this journey. I know what I need to do. I am strong. I am resilient. I plan and write and work and I’ll get back to where I was again. But, I’m also so very tired. Autoimmune diseases drain the life out of you. Adding in workouts and eating and cooking on top of all the other things you’re expected to do as a single momma to two beautiful, busy girls is daunting. I will push through, because I have a million dreams. But I will need help. 

I want to be healthy for my kids. I want to lose weight so I can maybe stop hurting constantly. I want to run a 5K every month and watch my times get better and better. I want to eat better and be a good example for my girls. I want to be more organized. I want to declutter my house and my life. I want to remodel the rooms in my house and paint and decorate. I want to plant a garden this spring. I want to build a chicken coop for my egg-laying girls so they are warm and together and safer. I want to show the people in my life more appreciation. I have a million dreams. 

I will keep my eyes on the prize. Not on the failures and disappointments that are so glaring right now. In the middle of my run tonight when I was in so much pain and sobbing and so down and discouraged, my God heard my cries. He promised me He would never leave me. He promised me He would love and protect me. He promised to help me achieve my dreams, if I only put my complete and total trust in Him. I deserve no part of what He is offering. But I am gladly accepting it. I need Him. More than anything, I need the strength and the peace and the love of my Lord and Savior. I need more of Him. 

I Corinthians 5:17 was given to my prayer partner and me for the new year. It says “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.” My old, aching, pain-riddled self is going away and Father is going to make me new! My dreams will all come true as long as I put my faith and my trust in Him. It won’t be easy. But knowing how my story ends in the final victory, I know for sure it will be worth it!

So, how about you? What are your million dreams? Give them to Him! He’ll walk with you through it all this beautiful new year. 2019 will be amazing! Just trust in Him!

Happy New Year! God’s blessings in 2019 and beyond!

No comments:

Post a Comment