It happened super quick. One second I was walking just fine with Emerson down the steps of my terraced bank, heading home to run and get Amelia from dance. The next second I was laying in a crumpled heap somewhere between the bottom two steps of the terrace. My left ankle tingling and searing in pain. A rock jabbing into my ribs. Emerson’s panicked eyes filling with tears as she picked up the pieces of the mail that were strewn across the lawn. Awesome. Grace strikes once again.
I sat up, wiggled my left foot, and choked back the tears that wanted to form around my eyes. Emerson was already terrified. I couldn’t cry in front of her. I pulled her close and said over and over again, “I’m ok! I’m ok!” This was more for my own benefit, but the words were soothing to her soul as well as the tears subsided and she walked the mail into the house, to then return and help her clumsy, aging mother up out of the mud and dirt. I walked gently into the house, brushing the leaves and muck off of my pants, and thinking hard about my ankle and the rest of the spots on my body that were starting to smart from my failure of gravity.
Boy, these things happen quick. But there is some good that comes out of these moments. You are more careful, more prepared so it doesn’t happen again. I have never walked so carefully down those steps as I have in the days following my tumble. I choose different shoes to walk in that are more supportive. I’m more conscious of the steps that I take, looking for holes or toys or the slightest unevenness in the ground. I iced the joints and muscles that took the brunt of my topple. I checked the steps the next day and moved the rock that I most likely landed on. I’m more careful, more prepared, now that I know what could happen.
Why don’t I think to take the same precautions in all aspects of my life? The assaults that happen spiritually, or mentally, are just as painful, just as jolting, as the headlong tumble down the steps. I can feel the panic attacks coming from a mile away. So why do I wait until it’s too late to try and stop them? The attacks from Satan are the same. How many times do I need to walk down the same path before I might try a preventative strategy versus a reaction for when the onslaught hits? I don’t have the answer. But I should think smarter about all of this.
I sometimes know what sends my spiraling into panic and despair. I know that I get caught inside my own head. I know I start to head the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough. That I don’t have anyone that cares for me. That people have their own troubles without worrying about me. That I wouldn’t even be missed if I just snuck way and left it all behind. I could prepare for those moments. Some say I should try medication. Some say prayer. I could start with positive self talk and all the strategies that I teach my social skills babies. I could pray or meditate or deep breathe.
And the spiritual attacks? Ephesians 6:11 says “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.” I could do that far in advance. Be ready. Be prepared. But I don’t. Why?
There are probably many reasons. I’m tired of fighting. I tired of preparing. Looking for how to make things better or easier or smarter. Sometimes I feel like life is so exhausting that there is just no point in fighting. Just let it happen. What is the difference?
But then something happens, like a fall down the stairs, and I’m spiritually and mentally under attack and feeling like I’m tumbling down the steps, breaking into pieces and feeling so much pain I’m not sure I can stand it. But, I find the strength that God provides me with and I stand up, dust myself off, clear away the rubble, and be prepared for the next attack. As a Christian it’s not if, it’s when the Devil tries to get to you. You just have to put on your armor, and be prepared.
Physically, I’m ok. The bruises are fading, my ankle isn’t as tender, and joints seem back in place, and I am starting to be less cautious as I walk. Mentally, I’m ok. The waves come and go, I’ll practice the strategies that everyone suggests and I’ll be prepared. Spiritually, I’m ok. The fiery darts come at me, but I remember He gives me His armor and I already for battle.
Be prepared. Walk cautiously. Know the fall is coming, but God will always be there to help you stand tall, wipe the dirt off, be cautious and take the next step. You might fall again, but oh the lessons you will learn!
No comments:
Post a Comment