There Goes My Life...

Kenny Chesney is one of my favorite country artists. And one of my favorite songs that he sings is “There Goes My Life.” If you’ve never heard the song, it starts off about a guy who just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and he’s having a baby. His life is over. Ruined. Destroyed. As the song goes on he realizes what a little miracle his daughter is to him. At the end she is leaving to pursue her life and context of the phrase changes from “there goes my life” like it is destroyed to “there goes my life” like that girl is his everything and his life is getting in to that car. 

My situation, my tragedy, is fairly similar. When Brian killed himself and everything unraveled I remember standing often in one spot, feeling like life was swirling all around me and I couldn’t get my bearings. I didn’t know what I was going to do. How I was going to survive. How could I ever go on as a single mom to a three-year-old and a six-month-old. Was this some kind of cruel joke? This wasn’t the happily ever after I had envisioned that you can see beaming from the wedding day photo I have shared. 

August 5th, 2006 was the day that the Duncan family story began. Our wedding day. Filled with joy and anticipation and friends and family. It was magical. And then it was over in October 2010. Or so I thought. 

My emotions surrounding this date vary year to year. Some years it’s just another day. Some years, like this one for some reason, the pain of what could have been sears through my heart, taking my breath away and leaving me reeling in the swirling whirlwind that I so often had experienced. 

A few years ago I came to the realization that August 5th was the beginning of the Duncan family. It didn’t have to be my wedding day alone. And even though we are missing a member, it is still the anniversary of the Duncan family. So my girls and I spent the afternoon today on the docks by the water at the Boat Shed celebrating our family’s day. 

When we got home I went back to my bedroom, pulled my box of treasures off of the shelf in my closet and opened it. The first thing to greet me was the overalls that my grandma gave me that belonged to my grandfather. His birthday was August 2nd so he’s been on my mind a lot lately. I held them close and could still smell the memories of that most important man. So many times I wish he was still here. 

Underneath his overalls, was my box of wedding pictures. I pulled a few out and immediately the tears flooded to the surface. These pictures, freezing these moments in time, showed how it all started. How it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be forever. Til death do us part, right? I had no idea that date would come much sooner than I had planned. We were supposed to be a family of four. The family Brian and I created and planned for. The family that began August 5th, 2006. Some days I still don’t understand it all. 

Romans 8 is probably my all-time favorite chapter. And Romans 8:28 says “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” It didn’t feel good when Brian died. And it doesn’t feel good right now in this second looking at old pictures and thinking about the pieces he has missed, is missing, and will continue to miss. But, I can see God at work in our lives. He has made His Duncan family strong. We are not a family of four. And that is ok! We are a family of three girls. Three women, who are strong and faithful. We love our lives and try and live it to the fullest. We have seen and gone through trauma and heartache and tears and pain, but we are stronger because of Him. 

People say that time heals all wounds. I don’t know if I agree with that. Time doesn’t heal the wounds. Time give us seconds and minutes to see God’s love and grace and faithfulness heal our wounds. I put my faith in our Heavenly Father. Time gets you further away from the point of pain, but God is the one that takes the moments in between and uses those moments for His glory. 

My song has changed. The context has shifted. Thirteen years ago it was a “There goes my life, it’s over” moment. Today? It’s a “There goes my life, it’s just beginning” moment. We are stronger, more faithful, and ready for the next part of our adventure as the Duncan family. Happy 13th anniversary to us! Here’s to many more!