If I Could Turn Back Time...

October is a month that I would prefer was just bypassed on the calendar. If it weren't for football and my mom's birthday and Halloween fun with my girls, I would be perfectly content to tuck myself in bed on September 30th and not wake up until November 1st. It would be perfectly fine with me to just completely flip the calendar past this whole month. 

I have told myself for the last six years that it's just a page on the calendar. It's just a number. It's just squares on a calendar, easily eradicated from the page with a simple red-line X, marking the day off forever. If only forgetting were as simple as that. If only October 18th could be erased from the calendar as a day that never existed. If only I didn't drag myself through the beginning half of the month, to the 18th of the month, knowing that this date will forever be the date that my husband chose death over life. The day that he decided that life wasn't worth living. The day that he died.

I will say that this year has been the easiest in terms of reliving my grief and heartache. I have grown so much over the last year and learned so much about myself. I also have had the heartache of a different worry to keep my mind distracted from the details of this time period. My days and nights have been filled with prayers and praise and thinking of other people, which has lended itself to me thinking of other things, being distracted from what was looming, until my Heavenly Father called attention to it yesterday morning on the treadmill, and planned the writing of this blog post with me. 

The realization that we had made it to the time hit me a bit like a ton of bricks. In the middle of my run I realized that I was only a day away from what could easily be one of the most difficult days of my life. And kickstarted some of my lowest, darkest days. 

With any anniversary I feel like you are led to a period of reflection. The anniversary of a death is no different. As I now sit firmly in the day of the 18th I think back six years ago. Six years! This is one of those situations where it seems like just yesterday on one hand, but it also seems like a million years have passed since that day. I feel like I will forever be able to close my eyes and walk through the events of those days. My faithful side realizes that this is and was all part of God's plan. That He knew how this was all going to play out and He had a purpose in each of us going through what we went through. My doubting side looks at all of this and thinks, "Why did this happen? What did I miss? I should have looked closer. Paid more attention. What if..."

If only I could reverse time! If only I could go back to certain moments that I now look at and see was part of the journey that led us to October 18th, 2010. If I could go back to July 2010 and stop things that happened. If I could go back to October 1st on the couch with my husband. What would I change about words we exchanged? Would I still ask him to leave? What if I hadn't walked to work the next day? What if my sweet friend Kim hadn't been in her office? What if I could have fixed it then?  What if...

What if I had seen the double car payment earlier in the day on the 18th and realized it was part of his last day plan? What if I had called him? What if I never forget the phone ringing and his mother asking me where he could have gone, that they found notes in his room? What if I hadn't taken my parents and drove to Sequim that night? What if I never had to stand in a front door and have a police officer tell me they had found my husband's body? What if...

The what ifs will drive you insane and maybe I let them do just that for a while. I was a lost person for a few years. If my friends and family hadn't stood at my side and dragged me through for a while I'm not sure where I would be today. If I didn't have two beautiful little girls living with me and depending on me as their sole-surviving parent, my journey could have been very different than it was. 

Ecclesiates Chapter 3 speaks to the what ifs:

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep and a time to laugh; A time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain and a time to lose; A time to keep and a time to throw away; A time to tear and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace."

God has perfect timing. He knows what we need, when we need it. Throughout this journey I've learned that to everything there is a season. He has every part of our lives planned out for us. He knows what is going to happen before we even think it's going to happen. Does it always make sense? No! Especially when we are in the depths of the despair of the moment. When Brian died and my world was turned upside down, I certainly did not cling to this verse, or any verse in particular. I was sad and reeling and angry and confused and hurt. And I didn't understand why any of it was happening. I couldn't understand how in the blink of an eye, my entire existence had changed, had been taken away from me. Now that I am six years out on this journey, I see his love and protection and purpose in all this! The message in my mess! The testimony in my test!  To everything there is a season! And I am a new, beautiful, reborn person because of all that happened in the last six years. My children are strong, independent, amazing little people because of all that happened in the last six years. My faith is deeply and firmly rooted in my Heavenly Father and for the first time in a long time, I see not just THE purpose in all that we have been through, but I see MY purpose in this life!

If I could turn back time, would I do it? Maybe for some pieces, but I don't feel like those pieces are from God. The pieces that want to turn back time are pieces of regret and shame and guilt and blame. The what ifs that are overwhelming if you choose to live there. I am firmly planted in the today! I don't want to turn back time because I like the outcome of the time I have marched through. I love where I am at in this day! I love who I have grown into and who I continue to grow to be. I am strong and resilient and growing leaps and bounds in my faith daily. And I get to pay it forward! I get to share this message with all of you, but I also get to now today take the hands of the people that are most dear to me and walk them through what might be their worst October ever. I get to share His divine plan and His timing with someone else that will remember these days as days to erase off the calendar forever. I get to deliver a message of hope and a future because I have made it to the other side. And I don't want to go backwards anymore. 

God's perfect plan! God's perfect timing! To everything there is a season! And I hope that no matter where you are on your journey, no matter what you are struggling with, no matter what you are going through, you can see that there is a divine plan for you! Don't wish to turn back time! Enjoy the season you are in right now! Don't dread a date on a calendar, for that date has or had a specific purpose to create you into who you are today! 

To everything there is a season...don't wish to turn back time! Pray to have your eyes opened to the purpose of the time you are in right this very second!

October 18th...just a day. Just the day that was the beginning of me being a new creation in Him! What a blessing this day should be celebrated as! What a blessing!

So it's not if I could turn back time, but rather if I could live for today! His plan! His timing! His peace! His love! His joy! His timing...

Let's leave October where it is for now. I'm learning to like it more every year. 

Shelter from the Storm...

This post finds me sitting in a chair in my living room, staring out the window, watching for signs of the impending storm the weather people have been predicting for days now. A gust of wind here and there. A sudden burst of rain against the windows. Bits and pieces of weather trying to come together to create the storm we've been promised. 

I have always loved storms. Thunder and lightning and wind and rain. I love being cozy in the house watching from my chair. Hearing the rain on the roof. Watching clusters of leaves blowing across the yard. Watching the multi-colored clouds blow quickly through the darkened sky, swirling and moving and creating fluffy painted scenes on the horizon. 

God blessed me with two little girls who are my light and my life. They do not share my love of storms. They stare at the window and see angry skies. They cover their ears with every crash of thunder. Hide their eyes at every bright flash of lightning. They hold their breath with every gust of wind that forces it's way into every inch of our home. They are afraid. They are scared. They don't share my love of storms. 

Scrolling through my Facebook page, I have seen video after video of storm footage. Waterfalls swelling. Water rushing down the street. And maybe most impressive are the videos of the oceans and bays in our area. Giant, crashing waves, huge swells, white caps, blowing foam. Many might see that footage and see fear and darkness and and terror. I see God. Hope and light and power and peace!

Those videos are just like real life. One second the ocean is clear and flat and crystal blue. Smooth sailing to wherever you are aiming to head. Clear waters and clear sky looking toward the horizon from all directions. Suddenly, the skies turn dark, wind and waves begins swirling and raging, waves get bigger and seem to swell out of the ocean, and soon you are staring at walls of waves on either side. You try to steer your ship, waiting for the waves to crash down around you and take your ship out. 

God promises us that He is in the storm. He is with us in the storm, the storm that is raging outside of my living room right now and the storms of life that are swirling all around me. He is there. He is there as I watch my patio table blow across the deck. He is there as the trees are swaying back and forth across the street. He's there as I slowly come up on the anniversary of the death of my husband. He is there as I hold my friend and cry with her over the diagnosis of her husband's cancerous tumor. He is there as they walk through the steps toward treatment and healing for him. He is there as we fervently pray for the miracles that we know God is so very capable of. 

Psalm 107:28-31 says, "Then they cry out to the Lord in their trouble, and He brings them out of their distresses. He calms the storm, So that its waves are still. Then they are glad because they are quiet; So He guides them to their desired haven. Oh that men would give thanks to the Lord for His goodness, And for His wonderful works to the children of men!" Amen! He calms the storm! He calms the storms of life. He brings us out of our distresses. We only need to call His name! We only need to call out to Him in our trouble and He will bring us through. 

So, as I watch the storm swirling all around outside my window, I know that God will protect me and my family.  He will keep us safe from the swirling winds, the torrential rain, the flying debris. God will protect my heart as I march toward October 18th, keeping me from falling into the depths of darkness. God will protect my friend and her family and my family as we all walk through the storm we are heading toward. 

The storms will rage on in life. Both literal storms and the storms that blow our way on the course of life. We may be scared and worry that we won't survive. We may feel like we're going to drown in all the waves that are buffeting us from all sides. We may lose sight of the course we are on, lose our way, be unsure of how and where to navigate. We don't have to worry about any of that! God will calm the storm, and our hearts. God will walk us through and ensure we survive. God will scoop us out of the storm and lift us to His high places. He will guide us in the direction we are supposed to go. 

The best part about storms? They don't last forever. You need to sit tight, hold on, and keep your faith that God will carry you through! He calms the storm. Trust Him that He delivers on His promises! He will scoop you out of the storm and cradle you in His loving arms! Have faith! Be of good courage! Look for the rainbow! And feel the presence of God in the storm!

Just Breathe...

Oxygen is essential for life. You need to breathe...in...out...in...out...repeat for your whole life. So I've always thought it was strange that when I get stuck in fight or flight mode I sometimes hold my breath. Or when something scares me. Or when I'm heading into a flashback or a panic attack. The breath in me leaves and I don't breathe.

We need oxygen! We need to breathe! I also find it funny that when I'm stressed these days, my first instinct is to run. That used to mean run away! Now it means run on the treadmill. Running is another activity that takes your breath away. Or at least mine! The longer I run, the more my lungs begin to burn and I find myself gasping for breath at times. But, I'm always taken care of and make it to the end of my run, breathing intact. 

My running time on the treadmill is my quiet time with God. I've mentioned this before in these posts. I turn on some form of worship music and I have a conversation with God. Many of these conversations lead to posts. Today's for certain was written with God to post here. 

This morning at 5:00 a.m., my friend and other dad, Clay, went in for a biopsy on a tumor in his brain. The text I got telling me that he had a tumor was another thing that took my breath away. And then my God whispered in my ear "Just breathe," and I knew this was all in His hands. This morning I sent a "praying for you" text to Melody when I woke up and started my run. The first few minutes of walking were ok. Then I started running. And then the tears started falling as I poured my heart out to my God, lifting them all up in prayer, asking for Him to cover them all with His wings, praying for steady hands for the doctors and a sure plan for recovery. Asking him to shrink and take away the tumor. And suddenly I found myself without breath. Running and crying really don't mix very well and my breath was hard to catch. And then...

The album I have been listening to a lot lately is Michael W. Smith's album Worship. The songs are soothing and bring me peace. In the middle of my prayer and my difficult time breathing, his song called Breathe came on, just in time. The first line of the song is "This is the air I breathe..." God's air. The air that He provides in the moments when it takes all my effort to remember the simple ins and outs of how breathing works. 

This is the air I breathe...His air for me fills my lungs and the Holy Spirit fills my heart and I am brought peace and grace and hope and all the wonderful feelings of knowing that I am a daughter of the King. 

And with each breath that He breathes into me, I declare a prayer! The world is such a chaotic mess right now! Politics and war. Clowns and hurricanes. The whole world needs a prayer! You could pray a different prayer with every breath you took and still not cover everything that needs prayer!

Well, I need prayer for my little corner of the world! I need prayer for Clay. I need prayer for Melody and Kristi and Dale. I need prayer for the miracle that God is oh so capable of! Inoperable tumors seem like a gigantic wall of fear and darkness and hopelessness, but when God's air is breathed on it, it is one more mess for our message! One more test for our testimony!

So pray! Don't know how? Find a friend! Hold hands! And just send positive thoughts out to Clay! Don't know what to say? Don't say anything! Find a quiet space, close your eyes, and just feel the Holy Spirit fill your heart and your soul and your minds. Turn on some music and just pour your heart out to Him. 

And while the prayers I hold for Clay and Melody and their entire family are the most urgent prayers I have for the week, perhaps there are urgent prayers you have in your life also! Share them here with us so that we may add those in too! For God hears them all! And answers them all! So share your prayers with us!  So that we may all breathe together, and pray for our needs according to His will!

Keep breathing! And keep praying! Matthew 18:20 says "For where two or three are a gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." Let's join together in prayer!

And keep my family in Seattle on your list please! They mean the world to me and they need the comfort and peace and hope that our prayers being more than ever. 

Just breathe...and whisper a prayer with each breath you take.

This is the air I breathe...

We're Halfway There...

Many of the activities that we participate in have a halfway point. A certain mark or time where half of it is done and there's only half more to go. We countdown the time until the end. This maybe makes us feel better. Long trips need a halfway point so that they don't seem as long. Football games need a halfway point so that there's hope of another chance, or there's only half of the time left to defend your lead.  Wednesday is a really important halfway point...almost to the weekend!

Sometimes the halfway point doesn't make us feel better. Like on my running app. When I already ran seventeen and a half minutes, and my app declares "you've reached the halfway point" I maybe want to cry a little. Sure, I'm thrilled that I've already ran seventeen and a half minutes. But I'm also wrecked thinking that I have to run seventeen and a half more. Perspective of halfway points sometimes shifts, depending on the outcome.

This journey that I have been on has reached two important halfway points. I've been going to WeightWatchers meetings for a whole year. I just had my one year anniversary of this round of joining. When I stepped on the scale and looked through my record books, what a journey I've been on! My books are filled with ups and downs, and more ups and more downs. But overall the trend has been loss. In one year I have lost fifty-five pounds. I'm halfway there. Halfway to where I want to be. When all is said and done, I want to have lost 110 pounds. My first reaction about this realization is happiness! Joy! Pride! And then I start thinking harder, and Satan takes my thoughts and quickly turns the positive ideas into negatives. I'm only halfway there in one year?! I know so-and-so has lost way more in less time. So it could be another year or more for me? What if I can't do it? Maybe I should just quit. I don't want to have to count points and write everything I eat down for the rest of my life. Only halfway...

And then there's my running app. Also this week I reached the halfway mark of my Couch to 10K app. I successfully completed the 5K portion of the app and started week 9, Day one. The first run is running two intervals of twenty minutes. I was so proud of being halfway done! And then once again Satan took over my thoughts and it turned to, I'm running for 30, 35, 40 minutes and that's ONLY halfway? There's no way I could run for 60 minutes straight! That's a whole hour. I'll never get there! Only halfway...

Perspective turns this halfway mark into the whole glass half empty or glass half full debate. Am I excited to be this far along and my glass is half full of pride and joy and elation? Or am I dreading what is to come in the next half and my glass is half empty? It all depends on who is filling my head and my heart at that moment. 

God sees me as half full! I'm halfway to where He wants me to be! He wants us to take care of our bodies. 1 Corinthians 6:19 states that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit...we should take care of our temples. Father God wants me to be strong and healthy. He wants us to love ourselves just as much as He loves us. He wants us healthy and rested and ready to serve in His kingdom. 

Satan sees me as half empty! I'm halfway from where I should be. He has me focus on the struggles. The early mornings. The days I feel like I'm starving. The long lonely runs. The aches and pains. He wants us sick and tired and unable to help God in His kingdom. He wants us to be selfish and poor witnesses of our testimonies. 

I get sucked in easily to Satan's ways. I often think I'm not good enough. I can't do this. It's no use! I'm not going to like myself any better in 55 pounds than I do now. He has me stand in front of the mirror and see the sagging skin and the fat just shifting places. He has me hear cutting words of how these changes aren't going to change the way I feel deep in my soul. He has me giving me up and quitting because I don't want to do this every day for the rest of my life. 

But Jesus fights back and he tells me that I'm good enough. That I'm just the way He wants me to be. That I should love myself now and that I'll love myself even more as I get healthy and stronger for him. That I can do anything I set my mind to and that I am strong and beautiful. When I look into His mirror He erases the stretch marks and dimples and fat and shows me glowing and happy and wearing His crown as a daughter of the King!

I'm halfway from where I want to be. The journey won't be easy and there will always be two sides to the halfway point, two glasses either full or empty, two mirrors showing two stark contrasts of myself. I get to choose! With the help of my Heavenly Father, I get to choose my story! I get to choose my message in my mess. I get to write my testimony with Him!

I'm halfway there! And I'll keep running the race to the end. One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 40:31 which says "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings of eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I'll keep running, past the halfway point. And when the race is over, it'll be great to think back and reflect on this halfway point. To see how far I have come and all the struggles and adversity that I overcame. 

We're halfway there...start writing your last half right now from today!

The Sound of Silence...

There's a line in Taylor Swift's song "Story of Us" that says "I've never heard silence quite this loud."  Do you know what that sounds like? What that feels like? The deafening roar of silence where you are just praying that something, anything makes a noise and cracks the tension in the air. This sort of silence is not usually something positive. This silence sneaks in, comes into the room when you least expect it. I have experienced such silence. 

It's terrifying. You are left unable to breathe, feeling like you are being crushed under the weight of the blackness. Feeling like your lungs are filling with water and that you'll drown in the quiet all around. When you've been diagnosed with PTSD, the sound of silence can be part of the reoccurrence that you experience in a flashback. My ears are usually the first thing to lose their sense when I'm in these moments of paralyzing fear. It feels like there's water in my ears. It feels like my ears are muffled and ringing all at the same time. The sound of silence. 

There are many people who I'm assuming are affected by this sound of silence. Just this past Sunday we honored the memory of those lost in the terror attacks of 9/11. There was a speech by President Obama, giant flags, tears rolling down cheeks, and the sound of silence, a moment of silence for those we lost. Memories of that day flooded quickly in as these events took place. Where were you? Who were you with? What did you feel afterwards? The shock settling in, and the sound of silence. Reoccurrence of the sound of silence for the people who grieve the loss of all those precious lives. 

Just this past week I experienced this sound of silence again. Helping Amelia with her Washington State History homework, she had to create a timeline of her life. 2010, in her innocent 9-year-old scribbled handwriting, were the words "my dad died" and the silence creeped in. Not that I didn't know it was coming. Not that I wasn't expecting it. But her tear-filled eyes as she read it to me, and exclaimed that she would be the only one in her class with that on her timeline. We hugged each other. And prayed together. And swam through the sound of silence arm in arm. 

But, as I've stated before, our story doesn't end here. Our story doesn't drown in the sound of silence. Our story has made its way into a difference silence. The silence of the peace that passes all understanding. The silence of peace from our Heavenly Father. The silence that comes from being whole and healed and a daughter of the King! The silence of a quiet moment of prayer, when all the rest of the world is blocked out and the darkness and hate and anger and thoughts of evil slough away. The sound of silence where you hear angels singing and our sweet Father's voice filling you with His promises! 

We are making it, a day at a time, marching through our timeline and putting space between 2010 and where we are headed. God has big plans for Amelia. He will hold her hand and carry her through and grant her the peaceful sound of silence.  And each step I take with Father God is another step toward victory with Him. The sound of silence used to swallow me whole, make me feel all of those feelings explained in the initial part of this post. There are times, like this week, that I get caught up in the dark, swirling waters all over again, but I spend most of my time now in the peaceful silence with God. 

Find yourself there too! Spend time with Him and talk to Him and let Him carry you out of the unbearable sound of silence into the silence of His peace! He's waiting for you...

So Glad We Made It...

It's back to school season! As I'm typing this, my two not-so-little-anymore girls are sitting in their Welcome Back chapel service at their school, buses are driving past my house practicing routes and getting ready to pick up students tomorrow, and my Facebook feed is full of my teacher friends whining a bit about starting tomorrow and either frantically putting together the last finishing touches on their classrooms, or squeezing out those last few precious moments of summer with friends and family. Me? I am anxiously awaiting the clock ticking to tomorrow morning when I get to see my little people's smiling faces and welcome in the start of a brand new school year. 

When you're a teacher, the start of the year in September has just as much meaning, if not more, that the start of the year in January. Each time period is the start of something new! A chance to start over. Or a chance to start again. It is a new opportunity to push the reset button and begin again.

My girls and I put together our Rememberlutions jars at the January time. But we also develop family goals in August at the start of a new school year. Things we'd like to do with our weekends and our free time. Practices and habits we'd like to get into as we start back to schedules and consistent routines. Family moments we'd like to try and see through for the coming school year. Some of our goals this school year? Eating breakfast together. Waking up early so I can not feel rushed in the morning. Bible study before bedtime. Family devotion. Maybe starting up our Rememberlutions jars that sort of drifted off in April. 

It's important to have goals and targets. Things that you want to accomplish. It gives you an endpoint, something to aim for as we are wandering through life. I have always been goal driven. I always work better when I know that I am working towards something. I think that's part of the reason why our little family had such a hard time after Brian died. I didn't have a goal or a vision. I didn't know what the future held for us. And as hard as I tried to come up with things, my only goals some mornings was to drag myself out of bed and don't forget to breathe. 

Luckily, during that time our God had a goal for my family. God had plans for us.  Plans for us to prosper and grow. Plans for us to pull through as a family unit with help from the people that love us. Plans to make it through the mess and have opportunities to share our message with others. Much like the beginning of the school year, God knew that even though our slates had been wiped clean and there was no lesson plans in sight, he new the new year was just around the corner. We needed to aimlessly get through our "summer" with no schedule and no routines and make it back to the first day of school. And make it back we did! We are stronger than ever, continuing to grow in His love and realize His plan for us. We have been on the right track for some time now, realizing our potential together and all that we have to accomplish in His name now that we have been gifted living, not just existing! Such an exciting time!

So, as my teacher friends drag their feet just a little, and want anything in the world but to trade in beaches and sleeping in for white boards and lesson plans, I hope that realize what amazing work they have to do! It's time to be done wandering aimlessly through our summers and return to school! Make goals for themselves and their children, and make it the best year yet!

Amelia's words coming out of fourth grade yesterday: "Mommy, I think this is going to be the best year yet!" Amen, sweet Amelia! God walked us, carried us through the worst time in our lives and we have been blessed with the best year yet, year after year! I am thrilled to be starting work, getting back on routine, and starting the best year yet! Once again, I get to start over and make this year my best year yet, and hopefully bless my kids at home and at work with their best years yet!

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you..." He knows those plans for my year, and beyond, and I am honored to serve those years out for Him! The best is yet to come! Living in the promises of my Heavenly Father means that each day can be better than the one before! I'm so glad we made it through our darkness to where we are today! So glad we made it!

Best year yet...

Who You'd Be Today...

When you are in a season of redefining yourself sometimes that is all you think about. I admit that I can be a bit obsessive about that stuff when I'm in a time of change. Losing weight and exercise is my season of change right now. I love how I'm feeling and looking and that is what I think about. I live and eat and breathe this process. When I'm on, I'm on. I can resist any temptation. I can run the best runs. I can get up at any time in the morning to run. I can eat a billion pounds of vegetables and drink all of my water and much more! Changing for the better feels so good! I love who I am becoming as I wade through this process.

Change is inevitable. Difficult, but inevitable. Sometimes, such as the process I've described above, change is voluntary. I am sick of being fat and sedentary. So I started the process of change. I intentionally have been doing what I need to do to eat better and lose weight. I am making a concerted effort to workout every day or every other day, depending on my routine. I am trying to make better food choices. I am meaning for this change to happen.

Sometimes, change is forced. Sometimes we are thrown into the process of change not by any fault of our own.  There's a catalyst that shoves us into a rapidly evolving lifestyle and suddenly we are fighting to keep everything upright, to right our sails, to keep all of our plates spinning, to keep a perfect balance of everything. And we become different people. Not necessarily because we want to, but because we HAVE to.  After Brian died and in the weeks and months and even years that followed, I had many people say to me "You've changed...we want the old Tammy back." And I would pause, and stare for a while, and smile. All the while inside I was screaming "SO DO I!" I would have given anything to rewind and go back to my old life. Old Tammy. Old Brian. Old, happy, quaint, perfect life. 

Now? Now looking back, I wouldn't go back for anything. How I have grown! How my girls have grown! How my relationships have grown! When you go through a process like what my family has been through, you do change. You value relationships more. You find out who your true friends and family are. You choose the best parts of you and try and focus on those. 

It's not all sunshine and roses though. With any change there are, uhh, let's call them growing pains. The path to who I am today is littered with pain and tears and darkness and terrible thoughts. It was a dark, scary time. There were days I didn't know if I could go on. There were day I would stand and look at my life and wonder who I was. There were moments of shame and guilt and depression. But each second of those days, each step that I took forward, was another step towards who I am today. 

School starts for me today. No students yet but I get to go back to work with my work family and start planning my new year with my speech babies. A fresh chance to start anew! It grants us all a natureal beginning. A moment to think about who you want to be a year from now. Or maybe that time chunk is too much to think about. Who do you want to be by January 1st? Or maybe even by October 1st?

Admitting to you all that typing that last date just brought tears is hard. October 1st. I never thought I would be scared of a date on the calendar. The day that Brian told me what he had done. The day that I didn't know who my husband was anymore and would set the course for the next almost six years, as I am still on that course. Brian ended his life. That was the course that he chose. And when I look at all that has happened in six years for me, it pains my heart to think about Brian and wonder who he's be today. All the changes that I've been through, the finding myself and raising my babies and getting seizures and finding a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father. It hurts to think that had Brian chose something different, who would he be today? But it wasn't part of God's plan for him to find that out. It was part of God's plan for me and Amelia and Emerson to find out who we are, and who we will become. 

So back to the first day of work! For all of my work friends, today is the first day of this school year for us. Who do you want to be? We walk through the doors of our new school to changes. Changes that we maybe didn't want. Changes that may impact us. We have an opportunity to ebb and flow and decide who we want to be as a staff in October or January or June. Let's embrace it together and make good changes!

But also, you have the chance to stand right now and decide who do you want to be? What changes do you want to make? Would you rather make voluntary changes now or have to adjust your sails when forced changes happen later. Any to improve mentally-emotionally? Find a counselor, sign up to take a class, so some yoga! Physically? Talk to me about my Couch to 10K app, sign up for kickboxing (I did!), change your eating habits. Spiritually? Let's form a Bible study at work, find a new church, work on your relationship with Father. Become who you would like to be. 

Take today and jot down your goals for the next little bit and decide where you want to be. So that when January first rolls around you don't have to wonder who you'd be today. You'll know! You'll know that you are healthy and confident and strong and bettering yourself! First day back at work! Such an exciting day!! The first day of forever! The first day to make you who you want to be! The first day! Who will you be? Who will you be...