The Good Fairy

Amelia is in first grade. She is smart and beautiful and is such a good reader. Everyday I am amazed at what she is capable of reading. In fact, tonight, she is in my bed and she is watching me type this, trying to keep up with the words that I'm typing. I don't think I'm ready for her to know that I talk about her to all of the internet. So, I'm typing as fast as I can, but it's not really working :) So, she may know about it sooner than I want her to. Back to her reading...I'm always amazed at the words she is able to sound out. I'm not sure why...I know that my theory is that I have worked in the special education field for twelve years and I have no idea what a typically developing reader looks like. Amelia may very well be an average reader, but in my eyes, she's a genius!! So...when she came home from school the other day with a chapter book from her school library, I was stunned. Really? A chapter book in first grade? She admitted to me that she couldn't read a lot of it, but her friend did, so she wanted to try. And we are reading it...together. I love those times. The chapter book is called BELLE THE BIRTHDAY FAIRY. It's a story about some goblins who steal Belle's birthday charms and birthday parties all over the world are ruined. Two human girls join Belle in helping her find the missing birthday charms. It's a cute story and we are 2/3 the way through the book. Tonight, we finished reading our section for the night and I close the book and told Amelia it was time for bed. Amelia looked at me and said, "Mommy...just one mroe thing..." So, here's our moment tonight: Amelia told me that it would be amazing if there were really fairies. She said how sad it was that fairies weren't real and that she wished they were. She asked me what I would do with a fairy if they were real. I laughed and told her that I would use my fairy to clean my house for me. I asked her what she would use her fairy for and Amelia told me that people are greedy and that they always want something from a fairy. She would only want them to turn her into a fairy so she could help other people. She just wants to hang out with the fairies and be their friends...not make them do something for her. Boy, did I feel like a jerk. My poor fairy is working her wings off and Amelia's is eating cookies and drinking tea and having friend catch up time. But, to have the plans of a child! Why do we have to grow up? Why do we have to make our priorities cleaning the house or working or cleaning the yard? Why couldn't my first answer have been, I just want to hang out! Too many opportunities are missed because we are too busy. Too many chances to be with friends and family are sucked away by the need to mow the yard, or clean the house, or pay the bills. And although I understand the drive to make all those things happen, wouldn't it be a better world if we were able to, without thinking, say that I just want to hang out! I just want to sit with you. I don't want to work or make you work or use you in any way. I only want to sit and visit. To take time and know what it's like to be in your shoes and help you out. Not expect anything in return. When I started this blog, I knew that I would have funny stories to share about my daughter. Quite often I'm in the work room at my school laughing with someone about something that Amelia said, or something that Emerson did. But this blog has become so much more than that to me! This has given me an opportunity to truly listen to my daughter. To listen to her stories and see her thought processes and hear what she is really saying. And holy smokes, she is even wiser than I thought! So, my goal for the time being is to want to become a fairy! I want to be able to be with people for the sake of learning about them, and just being with them. To take the time to just hang out. To not expect people to do things for me, other than to sit and share time together. Amelia and I have already been doing that, and our time together is so much richer! I hope that you are able to do the same! Don't work your fairy to death! Invite her in for a chat, for those are the moment that will count in the end!

Nightmare on Sesame Street

Nightmares seem to be a chronic problem in this house. We all have them. I have them. Amelia has them. Emerson has them. Growing up, that it how I processed life. I would dream. Dream after dream. Recurring nightmare after recurring nightmare. And it appears that I have passed this curse (or is it a gift?!) onto both of my children, but especially Amelia. My husband died three years ago this month. And in those three years, Amelia has spent much of her sleeping hours fighting demons that she won't talk about. We wake up screaming at least three times a week, which is way better than it was about a year ago where it was three times a night. We tried EVERYTHING! Dream catchers, reading happy stories before bed, talking about the best parts of our day together, singing songs...I got rid of all of her old furniture and bought her a brand new bedroom set, hoping to rid her room of any evil memories for her. We eventually had our dear Pa come down and install one of those super awesome canopies that gracefully drape the bed, telling her that the canopy would keep the bad dreams away. Nothing worked! My poor baby was waking all the time screaming with horrific nightmares. Nightmares that, as her mother, killed me to not be able to chase away. And then, we got a gift. My therapist (huh...imagine that I have to see a therapist! No idea why...LOL) gave me a pouch. And inside the pouch were Guatamalan worry dolls. Five little tiny matchstick-sized dolls. The theory behind the dolls was that you would take them out and one at a time you would share a "worry" you had about the day. The dolls go back into the pouch and you tie the bag back up and place them under your pillow. The dolls take care of your worries and take away your nightmares. At this point, I was still willing to try anything, but was skeptical that anything would ever work. I talked them up. I told her the process and how they were supposed to work and we tried them. And we went like six whole months with no nightmares! The miracle I was hoping for! She slept...peacefully. In the time since we got the dolls, we have had very few nightmares. But, October is a rough month for me and my girls. And even though she is a mere six years old, she still knows that this month is different. My anxiety increases...my tears flow more freely, even though I try with all my might to hide those from my girls, or anyone...my patience wears a bit thinner...and through this, I know that my girls become unsettled as well. So, the nightmares are back...for everyone. I have nightmares where it's just easier and less terrifying if I just stay awake. Amelia is back to having nightmares and gets angry that her worry dolls have stopped working. Emerson is also starting to have nightmares. It's frustrating for me as a momma. I don't care if I have nightmares. I see the value in them, most of the time, and I know that it's my way of working through things. But, I would give anything to take them away from my babies. So, our One More Thing moment: "Mommy...please stand by my door a little bit longer tonight. I need to get ready." She then proceeded to stack her pillows, bury her head under the pillows and pull her blankets over the top of her head. Immediately my heart sank because I knew that the worst of her nightmares were back. "Amelia...are you OK?" "I will be, mommy..." "But you're not now?" "I don't want you to get mad!" "Honey, why would I get mad?" "Because I'm playing when I should be sleeping..." "What do you mean?" "Well, my bad dreams are back again. And they are super scary. But, if I put my head under my pillow and squeeze my eyes shut super tight, I can play a game and it helps. It's just my bedtime game. I close my eyes and pretend that I'm in Hercules (our current favorite Disney movie) and that the Titans are after me. I've seen Hercules a billion times and I know that even though the gods were scared of the Titans, that Hercules saved them all and threw the Titans away from Zues's house in the sky. So, if the gods can defeat the Titans, I can defeat my bad dreams. I'm sorry I play when I should be sleeping." Tears well up in my eyes just thinking about my poor baby fighting those Titans in her sleep...the nightmares that plague her. And although she's only six and should only be scared of the big bad wolf, or snakes, or mean dogs, I know that my baby fights worse demons than that. And it breaks my heart. But, her one more thing of tonight teaches me a lesson as an adult. When the going gets tough, there are ways to make it better for yourself. When you are pressured or stressed or worried or fighting your demons in life, put it into a perspective that might make it seem better. Because if my six year old can replace the monsters in her dreams, with the Titans provided by Walt Disney, I can do the same with my monsters that I battle. Sleep well, my baby girl...sweet dreams, please God...sweet dreams...

Math Lesson

The Great Pumpkin comes to our house. Every night in October...we have a haunted house countdown calendar that marks each day before Halloween. And the Great Pumpkin is very generous...usually only because the Great Pumpkin is also very forgetful. The Great Pumpkin usually buys small trinkets at the dollar store to put in the tiny doors of the house. But the Great Pumpkin this year wrote last night about how stressful and busy life is. SO...there are many times that the Great Pumpkin is standing in front of the haunted house wondering what the heck she is going to stick behind those doors. And sadly, in her forgetfulness, most often the Great Pumpkin gets in her purse and shoves a dollar (or two...there are TWO little girls in this house) into the door and goes to bed feeling like a crap mom (or crap Great Pumpkin in this case.) But, every morning the girls run to the haunted house and fling open the doors to find what the Great Pumpkin brought them over night while they were asleep. One night, while trying to get to bed as quick as she could without turning the lights on, the Great Pumpkin placed two $5 bills in the door by mistake, thinking they were ones. So, in a matter of only 9 days, the girls have accumulated the cutest turkey hair flair pieces ever, gift cards to Chuck E Cheese (that were also found in a drawer and regifted), and a total of $7.00, which goes into piggy banks. The Great Pumpkin's intentions with putting the money in the piggy bank is that the girls will eventually put it in their bank accounts for college, or whatever they decide to do when they grow up. I was informed on our drive home tonight that the money would be used at Toys R Us. We had a discussion about how we need to save our money for our bank accounts. That mommy buys them treats often and is fairly generous (sometimes to the point of spoiling them) when we go to various stores and that the money in their piggy banks needed to be saved for college, or at least their futures. Which brings me to tonight's One More Thing: Mommy...we need to discuss what we talked about earlier. You know how you said that our piggy banks are for our future? Well, I was thinking. You want me to know how to spend my money wisely in the future, don't you? Well, the only way I'm going to be able to know how to do that is for you to help me with that. So, I think we should take my piggy bank money, and count it out. And instead of putting it in the bank for my future, you should take me to Toys R Us and show me how to spend my money. You know, how to make sure I don't spend too much, or try to buy something I don't have enough money for. And don't think that I'm going to Toys R Us to have fun and buy something new. Because I'm not. I'm only going for a math lesson. And a lesson for my future. Amelia: 1 Mommy: 0 I told her I'd think about it...how can you argue with THAT logic. I think God has a great sense of humor. Let's bless this woman with a husband...and then let's bless her with two brilliant children...subtract the daddy from the equation for that she's outnumbered...and sit back and watch :) They definitely keep me thinking...or at least trying to catch up to them with my thinking. And what, is the corny lesson of the night? I'm not 100% sure. But as I think through the conversation of the night, and think about how my six-year-old can run logic laps around me, I do thank God that I am blessed. I am blessed with a little girl who is wise beyond her years. A little girl who thinks for herself, and is not afraid to advocate for her needs. A girl who is willing to debate with mommy in a calm, respectful manner. A little girl who is articulate and strong and knows right from wrong. A girl who can take any topic in life and twist it into a positive. And all of these qualities are amazing in any child. Any mother would be proud to be able to say these things about her child. But, when I look at her six years of life and think about all of the things that she has gone through, and can still have these qualities about her, my heart bursts with pride and joy! She is nothing short of amazing!! And the best thing? She is calm and patient with the three-year-old that lives in our house too. Emerson is learning from her sister. Emerson sees that her sister is smart and talented and resilient, and Emerson wants that too! So, I'm outnumbered...it'll probably be a bigger deal when those two little ones are teenagers conspiring against me. But in the present, I will let them be brilliant and make their points! And when the Great Pumpkin has finished his run this month, we will probably count those piggy banks...and have a splendid day lost in Toys R Us with a math lesson.

Charlotte

I used to blog...a lot. And I think a few people even read them. And then I stopped. Life got in the way. Work. Kids. Seizures. Grief. Whatever. There are lots of excuses, but I think if I were being perfectly honest with myself it would come down to fear. I shared a lot of personal things on my last blog. I was losing weight and doing great and being successful. And fear got in my way. Fear of what? I don't know. Success? Failure? Fame? Revealing too much? Not revealing enough? What if someone I didn't want seeing my blog saw it? What if I actually met my goals? What if I didn't? What if Amelia or Emerson stumble onto my blog in 25 years...30 years and wonder, "Mom! Why did you post THAT on the internet for all to see?" Seriously...the things that keep me awake at night. Ha! So, I stopped blogging. And I'll admit that I miss it! I also miss the success I was seeing with my weight loss. I'm struggling. Horribly! I've gained lots back...maybe more. Work is stress. Home is stress. October is stress. There is too much to do everywhere and not enough time to do them in. I'm still not driving. I'm still dependent (somewhat) on others. I'm still in denial about things I should be confronting face on. So...it's 9:00 p.m. I have two sick babies in bed right now with the very real possibility that I will be missing work tomorrow so I'm blogging. Under a new blog... I got the idea for the blog a few weeks ago. Many of you (if there are even any of you reading this...) know that my daughter is brilliant and she comes up with the best quips and stories! Well, EVERY night as I put her to bed, I turn out the light and say "good night" and then I turn to walk down the hallway. Any inevitably, Amelia says, "But...just one more thing, mommy..." and in that six word statement, I learn something profound, or my heart melts away the stress of the day, or I have a story to share with friends and co-workers the next day. So about three weeks ago I'm listening to Amelia go on and on about how she couldn't possibly go to sleep until she shared with me just one more thing. I smile and fold my arms and lean against the door frame and say, "OK, Amelia...just one more thing." And thirty minutes later I'm standing there telling her it's time to go to sleep. But honestly, my heart leaps in joy as I hear her little voice tell me there's just one more thing, one more chance to hear my little girl's voice, in all of her youth and innocence and wisdom. I get one more parting piece of advice from my oldest baby. So, I'm turning her one more thing each night into a reflection here on my blog post. Not about a new me, like my last blog. Not about reinventing myself, but about assimilating into the life that I have, the life that I love. So, tonight's reflection from Miss Amelia: Mommy, just one more thing...did you know that there's a spider in the window of our front door? And did you know that I was really scared of her, but that I stood and watched her after school today for a while and she really is a beautiful thing? She works so hard making her web. She puts so much time into it. And it is such a wonderful web! And that's why I love her. I'm going to name her Charlotte. And I will love her forever. Well, as long as she stays on the other side of that glass because if she comes inside, I'll have to get you to squash her. And as she was talking, and I was holding back my urge to chuckle, I thought about that spider and how it could be a metaphor for life. Life is beautiful. There are amazing things that happen around us every day, but as life gets scary, the urge to squash it gets stronger. Her fear of a spider was erased as long as she knew there was something between her and that spider. The fear that grips me about life sometimes is also erased when I think about the things between me and the scary things: work, my kids, my friends, my family...maybe it's corny, but after I left her room after our final good nights, I went and stood in the entry way of my house and saw the spider she was talking about. Charlotte is beautiful! She has built a magnificent web in the window by the door. The details in the web are amazing. Watching her work and spin and move was fascinating. And then the image of the glass being gone flashed in my mind and I could no longer watch Charlotte doing her work. I turned off the lights and headed for bed, and the Just One More Thing, Mommy blog was born. So, I don't know who will read this. I don't know if anyone will care to know the details of the topics my daughter and I discuss. And yes, I will most likely have some corny connection to life, my life. So, I will post and I will link and I will type. And hopefully, I will also heal and lose weight and become a better person, all with the click of a keyboard. I am on a quest to find healing and peace and closure and all the things that I think we're all searching for in life. And if you want to join me on that journey, I welcome you. Because I think we all know what it's like to have just one more thing to say...one more point to make...one more moment to pause. And as a grand champion of talking someone's ear off, this is my "just one more thing..."