Being a part of that process and helping carry away the pieces was no different. The beautiful silver pieces that hold the bread and the wine for Holy Communion. The cloths that cover the lectern and the pulpit and the altar. The candles that burn at every service. The Bible that our lessons are read from. Carrying those pieces and watching the front of the church being dismantled is so difficult. Knowing that these pieces are being taken away, symbolically representing Jesus being taken away and crucified just tomorrow, bring hot tears quickly to my eyes.
These days tear my soul in two. Jesus. Sinless. Blameless. Perfect. A saint, not a sinner. Being crucified for me and my sins. Tortured and killed because of me, so that I can be saved. My soul is torn in two.
The second reason today is significant? It would have been Brian’s forty-fifth birthday. But he didn’t make it there. I’m far enough away from the events leading to his death that I sometimes forget there are people who have entered our lives that don’t know. My husband was arrested and charged with two felony counts. My fairy tale of a husband and two little girls and a wonderful life was torn in two, and even further torn when he chose to end his life rather than going through the process for justice to be served for his victims. Brian. A felon. Not perfect. Not sinless. A sinner, not a saint. What a stark contrast to this day!
But, at the same time, a perfect lesson. A perfect comparison. A perfect example of what Holy Week is all about. Brian, like all of us, was a sinner. He made some really bad choices in the last few moments of his life. Two felonies. Suicide. Is he lost? Is he damned to hell? The loving, caring, compassionate God that I know says no. I believe that Brian was a Christian. I believe he made himself right with God. I believe that the clashing of these two events today is the best illustration of what it means to be a believer, saved, forgiven!
We are all sinners. We all do things to fall out of God’s favor. But, we are forgiven! We are cleansed by the blood of Jesus. He took our sins and carried them to the cross. He carried the lies and the bad choices and the felonies and the suicide. He took the pettiness and the judgments and the gossip. And he carried them all for us. He bore the weight of the world’s sins so that we can be washed as white as snow. So that when we die, we know that we will be in heaven with Father God and all the saints that have gone before. And, yes, I believe that even Brian will be there.
The tears at the altar tonight seemed to open the floodgates. I grieve the choices that I have made that contributed to Jesus dying on a cross for me. The tears flowed freely as I carried the pieces of the altar handed to me. And they have just kept flowing freely. Tonight, I grieve. I grieve for the death of my Lord and Savior. For the suffering and the torture. For the moments He begged for His life and a different plan. I grieve for the unimaginable pain and suffering He went through. I grieve for my contributions to all of that.
I also grieve for Brian. For the choices He made. For the broken dreams that I carry on my heart. For my girls who no longer have a father. For the moments that we are missing out on today like baking a cake for him. Singing “Happy Birthday.” Watching him unwrap some homemade trinket made by not-so-little hands. I grieve for the loss of my friend and husband and partner.
But I also wait with anticipation at the hope that arrives on Easter morning where we can lift our heads, look to the Son, and loudly declare, “He is risen indeed! Hallelujah!” What a glorious day! A lot can happen on three days! Just watch and see!
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