We talk a lot about death on our family. It’s not something I’m bragging about. I would like nothing more than to never talk about. To not have death be something that has touched our family. My little girls have known death and loss from they time they were little. And my heart hurts so badly that that is how it has to be.
The topic of death lately has come around more often than I would hope. The one-year Angelversary of our Grandpa Clay last weekend brought up death. Why did he die? Why can’t he still be here? I miss him so much. Lots of tears and hugs and talking of death.
All of those grief moments then tie back to losing Brian. Why did daddy kill himself? Why didn’t he choose us? I wish I had a daddy still. Lots of tears and hugs and talking of death.
Right now, Emerson is struggling. So if you’re looking for something specific to pray, pray for my littlest girl. That she would find peace and comfort in life where she’s at. That God would flood her heart with joy and love in being His daughter. That she would know that He is a Father to the fatherless. That He loves her so very much!
Emerson is struggling. She is quick to get angry at peers who talk about their dads. Yelling at a classmate for talking about the fun he had with his dad this weekend. Telling a friend in her dance class that her dad is dead. She’s grieving. Never knowing Brian, but still grieving him. Grieving not having a dad. We have had many conversations about how she can’t be angry because someone else has a dad. It isn’t their fault that her daddy died. But the hurt and the sadness and the pain is there.
We were sitting on the couch together and I was looking at my Facebook. One of my friend’s 5-year-old daughters has been diagnosed with DIPG, a deadly brain tumor similar to glioblastoma. Things are looking grim for their family and my heart is so sad. Emerson looked at my phone and asked what was wrong with her. I was honest and told her that her name is Rebecca and she is dying. Tears flooded my eyes and she asked why I was sad. I told her that I couldn’t imagine my girls being sick and losing them. And that I was so sad for Rebecca’s family.
She looked at me and said, “Mommy, if I get sick I want you to tell me if I’m going to die.” My heart sank and my stomach bottomed out. Tears fell faster and she asked what was wrong. I told her I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to picture my life without her. She smiled at me, leaned against me and declared, “Well, I wouldn’t be sad or scared to know! I want to know that I can be exited because I’m on my way to meet Jesus!”
Faith as small as a mustard seed. Emerson, grieving loss, but also firmly rooted in her belief in Jesus Christ. She know who she belongs to. She knows where she is going when she dies. And I relax because all of our conversations about death lead to the truth that we are going to heaven. That Tom is in heaven. That Grandpa Clay is in heaven. That daddy is in heaven. And that we will be in heaven.
One of the last verses that I shared with Clay was John 14:2 “In My Father’s house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.” Jesus died for our sins and then ascended into heaven. Not to leave us behind and forget about us. No! He went to prepare a place for each and every one of us. There is a room specially picked for us in heaven, waiting for all to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved!
Emerson is grieving. But Emerson gets it! There is joy in her heart, waiting for the day that she gets to run to the arms of Jesus. She assured me it wouldn’t be for a really long time. But whenever God picks for her to go to heaven, she’s ready. She can’t wait to run to her Savior’s open arms.
We all should be so solid in our faith as Emerson. We grieve the ones we love, but there should also be joy. Joy in knowing that they are celebrating eternal life in heaven! Joy in knowing we will be reunited with the saints that have passed before us! Joy in knowing that we are saved and loved and cherished! Joy in knowing a place has been prepared! It is waiting for God’s timing. Waiting for the day our path and our plan has been fulfilled. Waiting for when God looks upon us and says “Well done, good and faithful servant!” and brings us home.
Don’t fear death! Embrace the life that comes after our passing. My eight-year-old gets it! She can’t wait to meet Jesus. And I can’t wait for her to meet Jesus! And I can’t wait to meet Jesus. What a glorious day that will be!
Pray for Emerson! But also, pray that your faith can be more like Emerson’s. Faith as small as a mustard seed. And a child shall lead them...
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