How Do I Live...

I remember the day my grandfather passed away like it was yesterday. The phone call telling me he wasn’t doing well and I needed to come home now. Running to the office of the child care center I worked at telling them I needed to go. Running for the next bus. The phone call where I heard my mom’s voice, but heard nothing else of the whole call, knowing I was too late. Running for a ferry. Running into my dad’s open arms. The regret flooding into my head that I didn’t make it home in time. I was numb. So sad. Worried about what grandma was going to do without him. And then, at 7:00 pm, my watch started beeping. I always called him at 7:00. I couldn’t breathe. How was I going to live without him? I trudged through the days. Crying. Pleading to God. Wracked with sobs and nightmares. But I trudged on and did the best that I could. 

Many years later, my grandma fell and hit her head. Her brain was bleeding and she had advanced directives that included a Do Not Resusciate order. I sat by her hospital bed almost a whole week before she passed away. Watching. Listening. Wondering if we made a mistake. When she passed I remember how sad I was that my grandfather stopped visiting after that. She was gone. And now he was gone too. It was like grieving for two people. My heart was broken again. How was I going to live without her? No grandparents. No running through the field to see them. No more bouquets of dahlias or bowls of giant cascade berries. 

Then, not even two years later, my husband killed himself. Life was turned upside down and I didn’t know what I was going to do. My husband. My partner. My best friend was gone. He married me. He gave me two girls. He bought a house and two cars and then he left me to do it all alone. I was angry and hurt and in so much pain. How was I going to live without him? I trudged through my days, making it with my village bolstering us up, dragging us through our days. 

Tom was some time later. My other dad. The man that I grew up with and had so many adventures. Our two families were one. We did everything together. Riding Harleys. Camping. Concerts. Plays. Dinners. Pool parties.  Ross trips. Then he got cancer and was gone in just a few months. How was I going to live without him? I remember making phone calls to my friend. Sobbing and not knowing how to breathe.

And then Clay. Just one year ago Clay past away. A whole year has flown by since I lost another one of my dads. Another man that was dear to my family. Who took care of us and would come check on us. Who bought Amelia her first drum set. Who worked his way into Emerson’s heart after a whole lot of scowls from her baby face. How was I going to live without him? It still is so raw for this one. So fresh and new. Some regrets. Some questioning my decisions. What I could have done differently. And the searing tears to my eyes when I think through the loss of him. 

You do live without them. It hurts. Physically hurts. And there are frequent reminders of the loss that you feel. People say that grief and loss gets easier over time. It goes away. It shrinks down until you don’t feel it anymore. I don’t agree. It’s always there. There’s a piece missing from my soul in the losses of all of these people. Like moths eating away at a tablecloth my heart beats a little differently because I no longer have my grandparents or my husband or my Tom or my Clay. There are holes in the tapestry painted on my heart. And days like today, one year since Clay gained his angel wings, are just crushing reminder that he, that they, are no longer here. 

And I grieve for Clay today. I miss him so much it physically hurts. I want him to be here so badly. To hug him again. And watch him play GrayWolf with my girls. To hear his drums. My chest hurts with grief. And then, the others all come up at the same time. I wore the dress Brian bought me on our first date today. When I slipped it on, it was like I was kicked in the gut and I couldn’t breathe.  I collapsed on my bed in a Disney princess style sob fest. I so badly wanted to turn to him at my dresser adjusting his red necktie I bought him and ask him to zip me into my dress. To feel his arms around me and have him turn me around and kiss me. I miss Tom and summertime and swimming in the pool. Mom and dad started working on the pool this afternoon. It would have been so wonderful to look up and see Tom in his blue swim trunks and a Harley shirt drinking beer with my dad. And the baby chicks this afternoon were outside running around in the grass and made me think of how proud my grandparents would be that I have chickens and I am teaching my kids some of my favorite parts of them and of the farm. All of those memories are so good. And so heartbreaking all at the same time. I miss them all so very much. And I often think “How can I live even one more day without them all?”

And then my mind turns to Proverbs 3:5-6 which says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” How can I live without HIM? He’s the most important piece in this equation of life. And it is His plans that I need to trust. All of those people entered my life for a reason. And all of those people exited Earth when they did for a reason. It doesn’t take the sadness and grief away. I still get sharp pains when any one of them cross my mind, or any memory of one of them comes up. But I know that it is in God’s timing and God’s plan. Not mine. I would want them all here with us forever. But that was not meant to be. 

So, when those moments of grief and pain and heartache rise to the surface, I remember my Father in Heaven. And I shake my head in wonder and gratefulness at all He has done. And I praise His name that I never have to speculate what it would be like to live without Him. Because, as a believer, I don’t have to even consider that. Because He has saved and redeemed me and has welcomed me into His family as one of His own. I am a daughter of the King. I am His precious daughter. And I will never know what life is like without Him. He is always there. He is always near. And He is wiping away my tears of grief and helping me to walk tall in His life and His journey for me. 

How do I live without all the others? With grace and dignity and compassion for people. With excitement and joy that they are already with Father God in the Heavenly realms. With peace knowing that they have had complete healing of all that ails them. And they are waiting for the day that Father God says my days are up and I get to join them in complete beautiful healing as a permanent member of God’s family. 

I miss them all so much. And lots of tears were shed today as they all floated through my mind. And they will again time after time. But my God will walk me through those moments too. How do I live? I live in faith in my Father and His plan for me, my family, my friends. But most of all, I live!