Today has sucked. Actually, to be more specific the last few days have sucked. Or if I'm being completely honest, it's been months of suckiness. People I love are hurting. People that God has gifted into my life are going through something that I can't fix, that I can't change. People I love are struggling and I can only sit by their sides, hold their hands, and pray.
But, what good is prayer? THIS isn't what I prayed for! I didn't pray to lose a very important man in my life. I didn't pray for him to die! I didn't pray for him to slip through our fingers just when things were hopeful and looking forward. This isn't what I prayed for at all.
And weaving in and out of gratefulness and faithfulness with anger and frustration has made today exhausting. When really I should have just been letting go and letting God. BUT, He must not know what I meant! He must have misunderstood! I should have been more specific with my prayers. I didn't pray fervently enough. I didn't pray every day. I should have spelled things out better in what I was asking.
And then, in the middle of all of that angst and heartache, the most beautiful three-band rainbow stretched across the sky. Every color of the spectrum was there for three whole cycles, one on top of the other. And I'll admit I was angry. As a little girl in parochial school, we were always taught that rainbows were symbols of God's promises to us. The first rainbow that was painted across the sky came with the promise that God would never send another flood to destroy the earth again. A rainbow?! How dare He paint a rainbow across the sky in front of the large picture glass windows of the hospital room. How dare He! He promised us healing. He promised us wholeness. He promised us that if we walked in faith with Him, He would answer our prayers. This wasn't answering our prayers. Huddled over a hospital bed looking lovingly and longingly at a man that so many of us love is not where this was supposed to go! The promise was healing. No more tumor. No more Parkinson's. No more pain and suffering. What we were getting wasn't worthy of a promise rainbow.
And then God lovingly pushed into my angry heart and whispered "three bands." Three levels of achievement for Clay. The first band, symbolic of Clay's former self without knowing Christ. The second band, symbolic of Clay's current life riddled with pain and agony, but oh so faithful in our Heavenly Father. The third band, symbolic of Clay's most blessed life to come: triumphant living cradled in the arms of our Lord and Savior, free from pain and Parkinson's and tumors. Whole and healed. Beautiful healing, just as we have been asking for. This is the ultimate goal for all of us, for all Christians. Beautiful healing, whole bodies, a triumphant journey to heaven. Thank you, Father God, for allowing us to lead Clay through that journey. Thank you, Father God, for leading Clay to profess his faith, get baptized, partake in the Lord's Supper, and to await for Our Lord and Savior to carry Him home to reign eternal with Jesus on the Heavenly realms.
And with a calm heart, and a soul strong in the Lord, and with my bestie and prayer partner by my side, and all of Clay's family and friends rallying around him, I confidently declare: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE PRAYED FOR! A beautiful, perfect life in heaven with Jesus. And in reality, this is exactly what we should be praying for for all of us. For Clay. For Melody. For Kathy. For Steve. For Kristi and Dale. For all of the people who have walked through the doors to Clay's room today to share their love and humble admiration. Spending eternity in heaven with a whole, healed, perfect body should be exactly what each and every one of us is praying for every day!
There is no doubt that we will miss Clay. We were not ready for it to be over this quickly. We were not prepared to be in this hospital room right now. My heart breaks and tears flow openly and freely as I try to envision a life without my other dad, a life without Grandpa Clay. Clay was so pivotal in so many lives. His passing will leave many holes in so many hearts.
But we cannot dwell there! We have to have faith and trust that this is part of God's plan! God has had us on a journey for sure! He has walked Clay through this life, each and every step orchestrated by God's divine conducting. Playing the drums. Meeting Melody and Kristi. Having Dale. Getting his diagnosis of Parkinson's. Working in loss prevention. Each and every friend that walked through Clay's life was supposed to walk through. They needed a Clay and Clay needed them. Even his tumor diagnosis. Looking back on the journey that is Clay's life, each and every one of those events shaped and molded him into the person he is today! A believer in Jesus who is fully seated in God's righteous hand! A man who is secure in his faith and is getting ready to prepare to begin the last and final glorious leg of his journey - the road to eternal peace!
So, anger at this morning's rainbow has led to this tear-stained blog post. This seems like an ending to us, but it's just the beginning for Clay! And my prayer is exactly for what Clay is experiencing right now in this moment - the transition to whole, complete, beautiful healing! No more anger at rainbows from me! When I see a rainbow from now on, I will see Clay, remember what an influence he had on my life and the lives of my girls, and smile knowing that he is looking down on all of us with his big, goofy grin. The promise in the sky. God's promise in the sky. The tumor is gone. Dad is healed. Amen and amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment