The day before Amelia's first birthday, I woke up feeling not great. I showered and did my best to muster strength and energy to get to work. I looked terrible and something just felt a bit off. I drove to work and went to my office and started seeing my kids for the day. Something wasn't right. I started having this sharp pain in my side and felt really nauseous. When my group finished up, I pulled myself out of my chair and staggered to Melody's portable classroom. When I walked in she asked me what was wrong and I told her I didn't feel well and I was in pain. She asked where and I told her. She came over and pushed on my side, which sent me through the roof. She told me I needed to go to the doctor, that it could be my appendix. After many scans and driving between appointments later, we got the call that I needed to get to Harrison Hospital right away because I needed an emergency appendectomy. I was in surgery that afternoon.
Amelia over the course of the last few years was plagued with sore throats and just not feeling well. The doctor finally decided that they were bothering her so much, and she was snoring and at risk of apnea, that he was just going to take her tonsils and adenoids out. At the beginning of last summer, she had surgery to remove both of those things. She has had much relief from that procedure.
We are so lucky to be able to have the magic of modern day medicine to help us out. If we are having discomfort or pain, if something is making us sick or not feel well, we just have surgery. Cut it out. Remove the diseased tissue and get on with our lives. In moments of grief and heartbreak, I wish we could do the same with our hearts and souls.
My heart hurts. My soul is damaged. There is so much pain and sadness that my heart is broken. Sometimes I can't even breathe. So, remove the damaged tissue. Take out this thing that is causing so much pain, so much agony, so much discomfort.
I am a Christian and I firmly believe that everything that happens is for our eventual good. Being through what I have been through, and seeing where I was when I first started this process and where I am today, I am in disbelief at the journey I have been on. I shake my head and cannot believe how the twists and turns led me to the place I am right now. I am strong and I am faithful. I know where I stand in God's kingdom and I can clearly see the winding path He used to grow me up in my journey. I see and I believe all of these things. But sometimes, the grief and the heartache and the sadness are just too much. Sometimes, I close my eyes and I think that I can't possibly endure any more. The pain is too great. My heart hurts too much. I feel so lost and alone, like I'm wandering in a fog and I don't know exactly where I'm supposed to go to find a clearing.
I have had a lot of loss in my life. All of my grandparents. My Uncle Ernie. My husband. My second dad Tom. My other adopted dad and our dear Grandpa Clay. And you deal with these moments individually, but you also look at these events in a group. The grief of Clay is compounded by those pieces of Tom that I still haven't faced. The absence of Tom in my life makes my heart sear in pain as I think about not having a husband to complete my family and who Brian would be today if he hadn't killed himself. All of these deaths make me want to run to my grandfather and lay my head in his lap and sob, but he went before any of them.
So, my heart is broken and I am sitting at the Silverdale waterfront sobbing in the front seat of my truck as I write this. I want my heart gone. I want it cut out. I just want the pain and the heartbreak to stop!
And then, I hear Father God's voice in my ear: "Psalm 34:18 - The Lord is near to those who are discouraged; He saves those who have lost all hope."
A simple reminder that He is there with me. That He will save me. That I am not alone and not forsaken, as I have often felt in this process. He will grant me hope. Not by cutting out my heart, but by walking me through my grief. By asking me to trust Him in my heartbreak and sadness. I have hope that Brian died and Tom died and Clay died and my grandparents died for a reason. God needed them. It was part of all of their plans. And as sad as I am, I have to remember that these events were all part of God's plan. That all of those people who I love so dearly are at Jesus's feet right now, waiting for the day we can join them again in heaven.
In the meantime, I have a job. Father God has entrusted me with His people here on earth. I am to go and make disciples. To be an example of Jesus Christ in my daily life. To love on the people that are still here with me. I can't do any of those things without my heart or without my soul.
So, as badly as I want it gone, removed, cut out...that can't happen. I need my heart to love. I need my heart to live and pray and believe the path that God has chosen for me. So, I will take a second to use my God-given heart to grieve and to cry and to be so sad that I don't know what to do next. And then, I will use my heart to love the other people who wish their hearts could be removed for a bit.
Don't lose hope, my friends! The best is yet to come! And the welcoming committee that will be there will be an amazing sight to behold. And I'll for sure want to have my heart right where it is in order to feel it bursting with pride and joy when the race is won and victory is ours.
Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Thank you, oh my Father, for these words and for Your comfort. I know that I can survive the most painful parts of this process because of Your promises to me.
My heart is broken. But the blessings from this process have been ringing loud and clear. Romans 8:18 says "I consider that what we suffer at this present time cannot be compared at all with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." I can't wait for the bigi reveal, the happy ending. So I will suffer through. And know that God's hands are in every aspect of this.
Thank you, Father! Amen!
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