I find myself standing on the verge of the clock ticking to my fortieth birthday. I can’t believe I’m going to be forty! Just as I marvel at the apparent time warp that has happened when I stare back at the faces of my children who are no longer babies, but young ladies, I find myself looking backwards trying to figure out where the last four decades have gone.
Many people fret about turning the big 4-0. Getting older depresses them. They are faced with mortality. They are reminded they’re on the downward slope to the end of life. And I suppose it could be hard to think that potentially I have lived half of my life. If I’m lucky...
People have asked me for months now if I’m anxious about being forty. My reply? I am excited! A fresh start! A new decade filled with potential and possibility. My first decade was filled with camping and playing with my sister. My teen years were stressful as I navigated grades and relationships and being picked on for various reasons. I knew my twenties would be better but it was more stress from college and grad school. I was assaulted. My grandfather passed away. But I met and married Brian in my last year of my twenties. The thirties would be my decade! I had Amelia. And then I had Emerson. And then my husband killed himself. Life unraveled. I developed seizures. Blah.
So, am I dreading forty? No way! I am loving my life where I am in this moment. I am strong in my faith. I am dependent on my Heavenly Father for my needs and dreams. I am losing weight and feeling good and in the best shape of my life. My girls are happy and healthy. I have worked on my heart and forgiveness and moving forward with life. I am repairing relationships that were important to me at one time in life. I am happy and getting healthier. I am navigating through life feeling good.
My blog has been about honesty and transparency. I have shared the good with the bad. So, in the spirit of being honest, I will share that as I move closer to my birthday that the feeling of excitement is still there. I am wide-eyed with anticipation that I am moving into a new decade that will be full or peace and love and hope and faith. But there is a feeling of sadness and heartache that is threatening to creep in and cloud out the joy that is in my heart.
I am going to be forty. And with all of the excitement there is also a sometimes overwhelming sense of sadness. I didn’t think that I would be entering my midlife alone. At the end of my grandparents time together, they were celebrating their sixty-seventh anniversary together. A lifetime of love. That’s what I wanted. As I walked though my twenties I saw the time ticking away, my opportunity for lifetime love sucking away like the sand of time. I was overjoyed when I walked down the aisle towards Brian and the timeline to my lifetime of love started.
When he died, the turmoil surrounding his desth tore me in two. I was now without the person who promised to love me forever. But he was also a monster that I didn’t recognize anymore. Sadness. Anger. Heartache. Apathy. Devastation. Relief. It’s hard to grieve when you don’t know whether to be sad or angry.
These feelings are right at the surface as I stand at the halfway mark to life. I have ended my first half of life in turmoil, but also in victory as I have navigated through the process of healing. I am starting the last half in a place of peace and contentment, but with sadness creeping in as I start this journey alone, without my earthly life partner. I am so blessed with friends and family and people who are amazing and incredible and so supportive. The people reading this post, and so many more, have walked my little family out of the darkness with the help of Father God. And for these people I am so grateful.
I miss my husband. My heart breaks and the tears sit right on the edge waiting to brim over and fall down my cheeks. I wish I was starting this next phase of my life with my partner. With the father of my children. With the one that God picked for me to start my family with. And then I remember that same God that picked Brian and started me on the path to the end of these first forty years. He has a plan. There’s a path for me. There’s a plan. I am right on track where I am supposed to be.
So, on the eve of my birthday, I am thanking Father God for the plans He has for me. For the lessons that I have learned. For the message in my mess. Every step I took in my first forty years has been directed and perfected by my Heavenly Father, to prepare me for the next forty years. I am so grateful to Him, grateful to the people who have walked beside me and in front of me and behind me thus far, urging me to continue. Cheering me on through the times I have struggled. Waiting for me to walk out of the fog and the darkness.
So, happy birthday to me! The birth of a brand new decade. A brand new part of life. A brand new opportunity to serve my Lord and Savior. A brand new chance to try again with the things I struggled with before. Another chance to love and be loved. The beginning of a new life path gifted to me by God. Another chance for healing and moving forward and coming into the person God is growing me to be. More time to grieve and grow and gift others with my story and my testimony and my message. I can’t wait to be forty! I can’t wait for all God has in store for me!
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord...
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