I Miss Back When...

Time is running out for 2017. The clock is ticking off as we are only a few hours from midnight. And the ending of a year has always been a good time for reflecting on the past and looking forward to the future. The ending of this year has me wishing for times before. 

I miss back when I was little and my sister and I would play Barbies for hours on the blanket outside on the lawn. 

I miss back when I was in high school and hanging out with friends and still thinking that I would go to medical school and conquer the world. 

I miss back when I was in college and living in Seattle, “studying” for hours with my friend Jennifer and laughing about everything until we couldn’t breathe. 

I miss back when I first started my job and thought that I was the best SLP in the universe. 

I miss back when I first met my husband. I remember the long phone calls, the agonizing wait for the weekend when he would drive all the way from Wenatchee to see me, the excitement of dating and being together and learning about each other. 

I miss back when Amelia was a baby, smiley and sweet and snuggly. 

I miss back when I first became the momma of two. I miss seeing Amelia’s adoring eyes as she gently held her new sissy Emerson. 

I miss back when we were a family of four, thinking that we had it made and never even knowing what was just around the corner.

I miss back when Tom was here with us. I miss his crooked grin and the way he adored my girls. I miss his burping and farting. I miss him teasing me. I miss him bringing shoes to the house that I would always steal. I miss the gatherings where he was just there. I miss his motorcycle and his leather jacket and everything about him. 

I miss back when my grandma and grandpa were just through the field. I miss running through the tall grasses to get fresh berries or help grandpa or kiss grandma through the fence. 

I miss back when Clay was still alive. I miss hearing him call me “Sweet Pickles.” I miss play dates at Chuck E Cheese and the Bowling Alley and the mountain where he loved playing Gray Wolf. I miss our chats about drums and high school and the girls. I miss his sparkly eyes at my girls’ dance recitals. I miss his hugs. 

I miss back when my sister actually lived in Bremerton and I could run to her whenever I wanted. 

I miss back when we were the Duncan family. I miss my husband. I miss our family. I miss my girls having a dad. I miss our State Patrol family and our fire department family and our Cencom family. I miss thinking that my husband was a hero. I miss holding his hand, three quick kisses before we parted ways, the yellow roses he always bought me, having someone to come home to and talk to and love me. 

All of these back when moments? They all represent moments in time. Time that sucks away all too fast. Time that passes whether we are ready for it or not. And we find ourselves on a milestone of time tonight. As the seconds slip away, as the moments pass, we will all pause to think about 2017. To mourn its passing. To rejoice that it’s over. To mark the moments and their meaning for us. And then, as midnight strikes, we embrace 2018. 

The beginning of a new year symbolizes hope. Hope that the coming year will be better. Hope that we leave behind the bad of 2017. Hope that this year will be the best ever. 

The marks on the chalkboard are erased and we get to start over. Sort of. We walk into each year with the memories of the past. I am excited about the potential of a new year. I’ve made plans. I’ve written out goals. I’ve given a lot of thought to the year to come. But in the back of my mind, I think about my midnight. Another year without my husband to kiss me at midnight. Another year closer to being older. Another year of watching my parents age. Another year of watching my babies turn into young women before my eyes. My emotions swing from one end of the spectrum to the other. 

And then, in the midst of it all, I’m given the theme for the year for me and my prayer partner: Psalm 34:18  If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there; if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath. 

She and I often see and hear “Be still!” Catching our breath. Taking a rest. God is in this time with us. He was in all my back when moments. He walked me through all those years, the goods ones and the bad ones. And in the worry and angst of a new year beginning, in the sadness and heartache of memories past, He is there. Helping us to be still. Helping us to catch our breath. Walking us into the new year filled with hope! 

So, as the clock ticks towards midnight and you find yourself counting down the seconds towards 2018, pause and think about your back when moments. And then think about the hope that fills the new year! And know that our Heavenly Father is with you as the time gets small, and He’s already waiting in 2018 as we begin counting down that year! He’s there to celebrate with you in the good. And He’s there to help us catch our breath in the bad.

I can’t wait to see where this new year takes us! And to make even more amazing back when memories! Happy New Year! May God bless you in 2018 and beyond!