The Normans

Monday night are dance days. Both of the girls have their dance classes in a span of two and a half hours on Monday nights. They don't get done until 5:30 so by the time dance is done, we're all hungry and exhausted and just want to get home to relax. But first, I usually pick up dinner on the way home for all of us. The past few weeks, I've discovered Panera! The broccoli cheddar soup is heaven in a bowl and is my new favorite go-to take out meal. So yummy! Oops, I digress...leave it to me to get off track by food! We got home from dance and I began to serve dinner out of the Panera bag. We had just finished saying prayers and started eating when there was a knock at the front door. My first thought was "No one uses our front door" and then my next thought is always a little bit of apprehension. Being a single mom with two little girls, it naturally makes me nervous when there is a knock on my door and it's dark outside and later at night. I started to clear a path to the front door. Since it's hardly ever used, the front entry becomes a bit of a catch all for shoes, ballet bags, leotards, backpacks, tights, homework folders, and whatever else maybe gets thrown into the pile during the week. Amelia had followed me to the door and peeked through the pillars of our entryway. "Oh great, mommy...it's the Normans." From the time Amelia was very little, the fine young men of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints have done their darndest to save me and my family. They come to our house quite often, looking to have a chat with me about my faith. Amelia grew up thinking that we were calling them Normans, rather than Mormons, so the moniker stuck! The Normans were at the door again... Now, before I continue my story, I feel the need to make sure that people understand that I have nothing against people of Mormon faith. I understand that there are different religions, and different beliefs. I understand that we all come from different backgrounds, and I am OK with that. Some of my most favorite people are Mormon and I have had conversations with them about their faith and my faith. So, now that that has been stated, I'll go on with my story. Amelia had peeked through the pillars and informed me that we were dealing with Normans again. And the "oh great" part from Amelia must have come from a bit of frustration that we do get visited quite often and I might have indicated this at one point to Amelia. I shushed Amelia as I peeked through the peephole, just to make sure. Yup...we had Normans on our porch. I cracked open the door and peeked my head through the opening. "Good evening, ma'am. We're representatives from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints." the young man stated with a huge grin on his face. I smiled back. "Yes?" "Could we come in and have a chat with you?" "Oh, thank you, but we are Lutheran and we are very solid in our faith and in our beliefs, but I appreciate the offer." I started to close the door when the other young man said, "Oh ma'am?" Ugh! Why do they have to call me ma'am! Seriously! But, I smiled and said, "Yes?" "Is there anything you'd like us to do? Anything you need help with?" Immediately in my head I'm thinking that it's pitch black outside, and I live on a farm. He was a pretty brave soul in his fresh-pressed suit and tie. "Oh, no thank you. We're really fine! Have a nice evening!" and I gently closed the door and locked it. Amelia was starting at me wide-eyed and her mouth open. She smiled at me and said, "Mommy! Those were the nicest Normans we've ever had! They heard we were Lutheran and they STILL wanted to help us out!" I chuckled at her and put my arm around her. "You're right, Amelia. They were the nicest Norman's we've ever had!" Amelia is very much like her mother, in that she sometimes needs extra processing time. So, tonight, I'm tucking Amelia into bed. I kiss her head, turn to walk out of her room, and pause at her doorway, waiting for the nightly statement. "Mommy, just one more thing?" "Yes, Amelia." "Last night, when the Normans came to our house? Why didn't you let them in?" "Well, there were several reasons. First, we were eating dinner and I was tired and wanted to get done so we could start bath and bed routine. And also, we're Lutheran." "I heard you say that to them. Why does that matter to them?" "Well, first of all, I have to tell you that they're not Normans. They're Mormons." "What?! No they're not...they're Normans." There are just some battles that I choose not to fight... "OK, well, when we say that those boys are Normans, it's like us being Lutheran. They believe in the teachings that they are taught. We believe in the teachings we are taught. There are some things that we believe that are the same, but many of our beliefs are very different." "Well, why do they want to talk to us? Do they want to see what we believe?" "Hmm...maybe. But I think more importantly, they'd like to tell us about their church." "Oh, so we would sit down and compare churches?" "Well, I don't really think that's the point. They want to tell us all about being Mormon so that we might want to join their church." "What?! Why would they do that? We already have a church." "They're missionaries." "Ohhh...so it's like their job to collect as many people as they can to go to their church and believe in God?" "Yes. That's the idea." "Huh...well, I like being Lutheran, so I guess we could have had them come in and told them about our church. Maybe they'd like to come to Peace with us! Pastor Huelle gives out great sermon suckers." "You're right Amelia. Maybe we should have invited them in and talked to them about being Lutheran. You're a great witness for God!" "Thanks, mommy...that's what it's all about, you know! Getting people to believe in God so we can all be together in heaven." "You're right, Amelia. You know what? Next time the Normans come, we should invite them in. And you can share your great faith with them." "That sounds like a good plan, mommy because, seriously, the next two Normans we get might not want to help us with things. That was super nice of them!" I tried hard not to laugh at my little girl. I kissed her good night and walked down the hallway. Thinking about our conversation I am struck once again by Amelia's wisdom. She is so smart and such a faithful servant. Where I hear the knock and see the Normans and want to send them away right away, Amelia wants to welcome them into our home and be a witness for Christ. Where I cringe and silently curse them for coming at night when we can't hide, Amelia wants to let her light shine. There are many lessons that I learn from Amelia, from both of my children, but seeing the strength of her faith after all her little soul has been through is amazing to me. It is a lesson to me because we are taught to live like Jesus, and I am often guilty of not. Rather than closing the door and locking them out, Amelia reminds me we could turn the table and witness to them! Share with them our beliefs, invite them to our church! What a little missionary. I'm proud of her! I'm proud of the young example she is for me! I'm proud that she is firm in her faith and ready to witness! So, the next time there's a knock on my door, I may grumble for a minute that the Normans are on my porch. But, I will quickly open the door, invite them in, and release Amelia on them, and follow her example, because I think even the Normans might have something to learn from her wise soul.

Puff, the Magic Dragon

My parents loved Peter, Paul, and Mary. I remember watching their special everytime it was on PBS, and us singing together as a family. It's one of my favorite memories. My dad wasn't the best singer in the world, but I remember sitting at his feet and listening to him sing along to the songs with tears in his eyes, and I would cry too, just because I knew how much the songs meant to my dad. I couldn't wait until Puff, the Magic Dragon would come on. I loved that song! (And I know there are theories about alternative meanings of the song, but it will always just be a song about a dragon and his boy to me, just to clear THAT up!) I would sing the song along with the TV, and my parents. They would sing it to me on many occasions. I loved hearing about that dragon and imagining what it would be like to have a dragon of my own. Then, they bought me the animated movie. I remember how excited I was. I climbed onto my parents bed fresh out of bath and in my jammies and we started the movie. It was just like the song. Jackie Paper was a little boy who had a dragon visit. He went on many adventures with Puff. He made a boat to float to Honalee. They played with pirates. They met kings and princes. It was the best story ever. And then, Jackie Paper "grew up" but in the movie he just left Puff. I remember sitting on my mom's bed and crying, sobbing really. How sad that Jackie had to grow up! Why didn't he want to play with Puff anymore? Why did I have to grow up? I sobbed into my mom and dad's arms...not wanting to ever have to grow up. Tonight, in our nightly reading homework, Amelia and I didn't plan for the long weekend and we didn't have enough fairy books to cover all three days! So, I told the girls that we would each pick a story off of the book shelf. Amelia chose Franklin Goes to the Hospital. Emerson picked Brown Bear, Brown Bear What Do You See? And I found the Puff, the Magic Dragon book I had purchased at our book fair many years ago. I had not read it to my girls yet and I was so excited. We read the girls' books first, and then I pulled out Puff. I read the title and Amelia's face lit up. "A book about dragons? Cool!" I smiled at her and turned to the first page. As I read the first line, "Puff, the Magic Dragon lived by the sea..." I couldn't help but want to sing the song. "Girls, this book is a song. Do you want me to sing it? Or read it?" "Sing it!" they both chimed at the same time. So, I started into the story singing the lines. The tune came back, my heart filled with memories, and a smile came across my face. The girls listened intently as I turned page after page. Amelia's eyes filled with wonder as she saw the scenes of pirate ships, and kings...a sailboat with billowed sails. And then I turned the page. The next line caused my voice to catch "A dragon lives forever, but not so little girls and boys. Painted wings and giants' rings make way for other toys." I paused, trying to regain my composure and read the next lines. "One grey night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more, And Puff, that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar." and I lost it. I went back to that time sitting on my mom's bed, remembering how sad I felt for Puff. And now, being the adult sitting on my bed surrounded by my children, the meaning of the book was even deeper for me. We grow up! We move on! We have to be adults! And it's sad and hard to leave those things behind. But then, the joy of children! We get to experience it again. It didn't make the book any less emotional for me. In fact, it make it more emotional, because now I was the parent not wanting my children to grow up. Peter Yarrow, from Peter, Paul, and Mary, is the author of this book. And he does a wonderful thing with the book! At the end, as the last chorus is written out, the illustrations show a little girl, coming to bring Puff out of his cave and play, and standing in the background is her father, Jackie Paper! This brings us to our just one more thing, mommy moment. I was tucking Amelia into bed for the night, and I turned out the light and Amelia said, "Just one more thing please mommy?" I smiled and paused at her door, like always. "What's that, Amelia?" "Why did you start crying when you were reading us that dragon book?" "Well, for several reasons, Amelia. Puff, the Magic Dragon was one of mommy's favorites when she was little. It was such a good memory for mommy with Pa and MomMom that I couldn't hold the tears back when I was singing. "What else?" "Well, it makes me sad for Puff and for Jackie Paper that Jackie had to grow up! Puff missed his friend Jackie and that makes me cry." "What else, mommy?" "Well, it also makes me a little bit sad that you and Emerson are growing up so fast! I love listening to you both play with your toys, and imagine, and create, and dream of fairies and princesses and dragons. Reading the book and seeing Jackie Paper grow up made me sad, but then I cried happy tears when Jackie brought his daughter back to meet Puff. Because even though he grew up, he shared his childhood memories with his little girl." "Mommy! That's just like us!" "What do you mean, Amelia!" "Well, you used to like Puff when you were a little girl. And you had to grow up. When's the last time you watched the Puff movie?" "Hmm...I was probably 13 or so..." "And now, you have me and you have Em and you're reading the Puff book to us! You're just like Jackie Paper, and we're just like his daughter. You're bringing magic to us even though you're a grown up." "Wow...I guess you're right, Amelia! I'm glad I get to share this with you. It means a lot to me." "I know. Isn't it nice that mommies have babies so they can keep being kids over and over again?" I smiled at her, kissed her forehead, and told her she was exactly right. And isn't she? I know that as a mommy, I am loving playing with my girls and sharing with them the things that I used to do when I was little. And she's right in that having babies is the best way to still be a kid! I get to play, and imagine, and create, right along side my babies! I get to pretend. I get to be a princess, or play My Little Pony, or put together plays about dragons and fairies. And I get to do all of those things just because I'm a mom! What an honor! So, what memories do you have of your childhood that you would like to pass on to your kids? Is it Puff? If there another story? Is there a game? After Jackie Paper leaves, the book reads, "His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain. Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane. Without his lifelong friend, Puff could not be brave. So Puff, that mighty dragon, sadly slipped into his cave." Think about life for a second. Think about life without your children. I can't even imagine where I would be if I didn't have those two precious little people. Puff couldn't handle it without Jackie. He was heartbroken...devasted. But then, he returned with his daughter and the cycle continued! Continue that cycle! Share with your children. Reading the story, having the conversation with Amelia, and reflecting on it now fills my heart with joy! I get to share this piece of me with my girls. My eyes fill with tears of joy just typing those words out! What an honor! What a position to be put in! What a job to have! I am thankful that God entrusted Amelia and Emerson to me...and I am thankful that I have these moments, for while they are little I hope they go to Honalee often with me, and continue the cycle when they become mommas. What a gift! Thank you, to Peter, Paul, and Mary, for giving us something to share among the generations in my family!

Protector

There is no single job as a mother that is more important than protecting your babies. At least in my opinion. There are so many things that we need to protect our children from, that it can be overwhelming at times. And it's really not something that you want your six year old fretting over, but mine happens to have anxiety about a lot of things. Tonight, while we were chatting on the phone with a friend, my parents' dog started barking. I excused myself from the bedroom to go and check to make sure all was well outside. Amelia immediately started worrying about what was wrong. I was hoping the phone call would be a distraction to her, but her ability to observe everything got in the way of that plan. She tailed right behind me into the living room. What was it? What did I see? Was something outside? Why was she still barking? Why was Sissy growling? I took the phone from her hand, said good night to our friend, and walked Amelia to her room. I told her that I didn't see anything wrong outside, that Suzie was probably barking at someone walking on the road. She relaxed and the conversation turned to Santa Claus and that maybe it was him test flying the reindeer, which then led to a conversation about what she wanted for Christmas. I cut her a bit short because in the background I could hear the dogs still barking and I was trying to figure out how to investigate without alarming Amelia. I tucked her in, kissed her head, and told her to sleep well. She smiled at me and said, "Mommy...just one more thing...what would happen if someone tried to break into our house. What would you do?" "I would grab Emerson, and you, and lock us in mommy's bathroom and call the police." "What would happen if he got in? What if he killed you? I don't think I could live without you." This thought brought (brings?!) tears to my eyes. Not because the thought of dying frightens me, but because the thought of not being able to protect my girls frightens me. But, I remained upbeat and told her that that would not happen. That Sissy would protect us first of all. And that if anyone got in, I would fight to make sure that Amelia and Emerson and Mommy were safe. She seemed happy with that answer. She laid back down, and said, "Thank you, mommy, for always protecting us. God really blessed me with a great mommy because I know that you will do everything to make sure we are safe and happy." I told her I loved her and made my way out the living room. And I cried. Those words were the best thing that I could ever hear. There were many times as a mom that I feel like I failed in my job to protect my children. There was the time that Emerson fell down all of the stone steps in our backyard and I had to take her to the doctor with owies on her face. And then there was the four times this summer when Amelia got stung by bees. Amelia is pretty allergic to bees, so that's not a good thing. And these are only just a couple examples. There have been many more times when I felt like I failed to protect my children. It breaks my heart. It eats me alive. They are so young and innocent and they look to me to protect them. They look to me to guard them and keep them safe. And I know that I'm not done messing up either! I'm sure that there will be many more times when I don't protect them the way I should. But, I also know that I do the best I can. I know that I have learned many lessons about protecting them, and that all of those little incidents will help to make me a better momma in the future. And I know that even though it's hard to think that you have let your kids down, that you haven't done your best to protect them, that moments like tonight happen where Amelia looks at me as her hero and that she knows with 100% certainty that I would protect her. And I would and part of that drive is knowing how awful it felt when I failed to protect them. The times when I let them down and they got hurt. My prayer is that God helps me be the momma bear, the protector that my daughters need. And if I can't be the one, that He give me strength to ask for help, and that He also give me strength to ask for forgiveness when I fail. They are my babies. There is nothing more important than their health and safety and there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I would die for them, if I needed to, and my love for them is so great, my heart wants to burst everytime I look at them. So, there was no need to barricade ourselves into the bathroom tonight, but it's good to know that I would if I needed to. And it's amazing to know that the two little people in my home know that I would protect them with all my power and all my ability. And it's also amazing to know that I have created two little lives that are more important to me than my own. They are my everything, and thinking about being separated from them is unfathomable to me. I love our little family. And I love that Amelia realizes that I want to protect her, even in the midst of failing her in the past. She is amazing, and oh so resilient and I am blessed to have her, and Emerson. I am thankful that He entrusts me with them daily!

A Steel Trap

The time change is so hard on little kids...oh, who am I kidding?! The time change is so hard on me...LOL! I have been sooooo tired lately. Most days I'm just dragging. With it getting dark earlier, I have pushed bath time earlier, which give our evenings a much more relaxed feel. I'm not yelling and rushing to get everything squeezed in before bed time and it is so much nicer! Except, in my plan to slow things down, some of the structure has been lost in our nightly routines and my two smarty pants girls are taking full advantage of that. Where we used to sit down together and read the three of us huddled under a blanket, we are now pausing to take breaks in the middle of the story, or not even really listening. I got frustrated with them a bit tonight and told Amelia that we were doing this mostly for her homework and if she wasn't going to pay attention, then she would have to do her reading by herself. Being the naturally guilty little girl that she is, she ran to her room, threw herself on her bed, and began sobbing her little heart out. I tucked Emerson into bed, and then made my way into Amelia's room. "Amelia, why are you crying?" "I just don't know. And you know once I start, I just can't stop." (Which is completely true...just like her momma! LOL) "Well, why don't we take a breath and see if we can figure out why you are crying." "It's because you don't think I was paying attention to the story!" "Well, while I was reading you were doing everything BUT listening, so I know that you weren't paying attention to the story." "But I WAS!" "Well, prove it then!" "What??" "Prove it! Tell me about the story. Tell me what the story was about from start to finish." "But I'm not going to remember every word in the book!" "You don't have to! You just need to be able to retell the story so that I would know what it is about." "OK...well, it started in Kirsty's house and Mr. and Mrs. Tate were getting dressed to go to the rock and roll party..." and then she proceeded to pretty much tell me word for word what the story was about in great detail. Details that I NEVER thought she would know. I sat up on her bed, my mouth opened as I listened to her tell details of the story that I thought for sure she was too busy to hear, or too distracted to know. "Amelia, I have to tell you I'm sorry." "Why?" "Because I was wrong. You looked like you weren't paying attention and I assumed that you weren't, and that you had no idea what the story was about, but I should have known better. I'm sorry that I was wrong, and I'm sorry that I accused you not paying attention. Next time, I will find out the facts before I make assumptions." "It's OK, mommy. There are a lot of people that assume that I'm not paying attention, but I am, always. And I always notice everything, and I'm pretty good at remembering things. I'm pretty much the most dangerous thing to people that are sharing things they don't want anyone knowing. Because I pretty much pay attention to everything around me, but I can look like I'm not." I know that my daughter is smart and amazing. I know that she has a wicked memory that I would kill for. I know that she is observant and never misses a beat. I know that she is always quiet and sitting on the sidelines, and because of these things, she is right. She is dangerous! I apologized one more time and started to head down the hallway, when I hear her say, "Just one more thing, mommy!" "Yes, Amelia?" "I promise to use my super powers only for good..." and then she giggled. She told me that she loved me and she rolled over and went to sleep. I chuckled a little to my self as I thought about her thinking she has super powers. And in reality, the abilities that she has could be considered a super power to some. And then I thought about her comment about only using it for good. And she's right about that too! The gifts that she has with observation could be used against people. I think about all of the conversations that I have had with people assuming that Amelia isn't paying attention, when in reality she is absorbing every last detail. My heart sinks a bit, wondering what she hears, or what I say to others about her, or about her sister. And then, that got me thinking that our relationship with God isn't any different. He hears everything we say. He knows what we are talking about. He sees everything. And to think that I have an earthly reminder of that in my own home will be a great tool. Because I need to think that Amelia will hear and see everything. And maybe this will help me make better choices. Not talk about other people. Not discuss sensitive matters with others when I think Amelia is just in the other room. Not assume that I am keeping secrets from her. And my relationship with God should be the same way! No secrets. No hiding anything. No poor choices! Amelia is a special little girl, and she is smart and is so lucky to have the traits that she has. I grew up being a very observant child and it definitely comes in handy in my adult life as well. I only wish I had her memory! So, thinking a little differently from here on out to protect my kiddo from things she shouldn't be hearing...because there are certain things that will not go on my blog, and certain things that I am not ready for Amelia to have to face. So, they shouldn't be said aloud to anyone because the last thing I want to do is reveal information to Amelia without being the one talking to her directly. I need to set my filter higher to avoid hurting my little girl...a good lesson for all parents! Our kiddos are little sponges and they are absorbing everything, even the things we don't intend for them to absorb. Tonight, I was thankful for her talent and skill of paying attention even when I think she is not. And even when I look at the other implications, I'm still thankful...thankful that I am getting a second chance to pause before commenting. I am their momma and it is my job to protect them...even if that means protecting them from themselves, or from a careless, or maybe clueless, momma...

God Only Knows...

Sometimes, the one more thing mommy moments that I share with Amelia are heavy...like really, really heavy. And sharing them on this blog is a hard thing for me to do because of several reasons. There's the part where I'm worried that Amelia wil resent me for sharing things with all of the internet. And there's the part where I'm self-conscious with sharing with people how I react to our conversations. I don't have the best confidence in my answers to her oftentimes very deep questions, and I can get away with giving a stupid answer with my six-year-old. Not so true with the general blog-reading public. So, I'll share, but don't judge...I do the best that I can! Tonight's topic: death and heaven and Satan and...yeah...it was a good one. It started off as a talk about friendships. I knew exactly where I was going with this one. Amelia brought up one of my very best friends and her special connection with this person and how much she misses her and how she's so lucky to have this person in her life, and I was going to tie it into an incident that I had witnessed and how much I admire this person and then...with one innocent question, that whole plan started to crumble. The one more thing mommy moment we ended up discussing was more important. While we were reading our stories tonight, Emerson decided she didn't want to listen to Amelia's pick for the book and she chose to throw a fit on my bed while I sat calmly reading the story to Amelia. She threw her tantrum (as well as a few things across my room) as I continued to read Tasha the Tap Dance Fairy to Amelia. When the story was over, I walked Emerson to her room, tucked her in, told her I loved her and that I was sad we couldn't read her books. She apologized to me, and to Amelia and rolled over and went to sleep. As I was tucking Amelia into bed, she said, "I know what made Emerson act like that." "What?" "Satan..." "Well, I'm sure he played some part in it." "Emerson doesn't act like that, so I'm pretty sure Satan took over." This part of the conversation turned into a first grade sized lesson on free will and repenting and asking forgiveness. Amelia nodded and then asked, "Why does Satan work so hard to make us not listen to God?" "Well, he hates God so much that he wants God to lose. And when we are naughty and do bad things, Satan wins and God loses." "Hmm...it seems like it's hopeless getting into heaven then." "No, it's not hopeless. What's the one thing we have to do to get into heaven." "Die..." I laughed out loud...I try not to laugh AT my children, but I couldn't help it. "Well, yes, you do need to die first, but as Christians, after the being dead part, what is the one thing we need to do to get into heaven?" "Believe in God..." "Right! All we have to do is believe in God and believe that Jesus is our Saviour, and we go to heaven." "So, we don't have to be good?" "Oh, those things are very important. We need to be good, and follow the 10 comandments, and repent when we have done something wrong..." "Mommy? Do you think daddy is in heaven?" "I can't answer that Amelia, but I certainly hope that he is." "Why can't you answer that?" "Well, because I don't know what he believed when he died. I know that when we talked he told me he was a Christian, but it's not my place to judge and try to guess if daddy is in heaven. Just like I wouldn't know if you were in heaven. That's between you and God." "I wish there was something we could do to make it so Satan doesn't win and that there were more people in heaven than in hell. Ohhhh...wait a minute! There IS something we can do! We can tell people about God and try and get them to believe that Jesus died for us. Silly me..." I smiled and kissed her forehead. I told her that I loved her and turned out the light...and then I thought...and thought...and thought. Our conversations are always so serious. That girl is a thinker! And I wish I could have said that her daddy was in heaven with 100% certainty, but it is not something I would guess on. All I can do is coach her with what we believe and help her to understand what she needs to believe to get to heaven herself. I can only teach her what we believe as Lutherans, and what we believe as Christians and pray for her that she will grow to know and love Him, and that she will renounce the devil and all his works and all his ways. She is such a believer already! She is so strong in her faith and in her love for God. I heard that from many people that watched her performance in chapel last week. And I hear from others that hear her pray and profess her faith in God. And I see it in the way she is with Emerson, and in the talks that we have. It is comforting to know that she is being raised in the Lutheran church, and that she is being taught all of these important lessons in school. I am thankful that she has these opportunities. And as hard as some of these conversations are, I'm glad that she is asking me the questions she is asking, like wondering if her daddy is in heaven. Or asking me if I think there are more people in heaven or hell. She is a deep thinker, and the conversations that we have make me a better thinker. I know that our conversation this week was based off of the sermon from church on Sunday. We talked about heaven and what a great place it is, and how we will be with other believers and that we will recognize each other when we get to heaven. I know that she is wondering if she will see her daddy again. And I know that she is wondering if our friends and family will be there with us. And all I could tell her was to pray for daddy, and to pray for our friends and family, because I hope they are all there too... Some blog posts bring me to tears...and this one has. My heart aches for my little girl...and my heart aches for my husband. God only knows...

Flying Fox Bats

Amelia loves to learn. Her drive to learn is super strong, and I know that I've seen one of those checklists before where they talk about smart kids versus gifted kids, and I'm pretty sure she is gifted. She loves to learn and she loves to find out facts, and she takes a topic and studies it and asks questions and acts things out and writes stories and checks out books and wants to google everything! And she asks and learns and absorbs and researches and fact finds and strives to find out everything she can about a topic. As a speech and language therapist, and an educator in the public school system, this thrills me! I love her thirst for knowledge! I love that she doesn't settle for what she learns in school. I love that she questions things and wants to go above and beyond the topic to find out more information. As a mom? This also thrills me...except for when it's 8:30 at night and it's supposed to be our one more thing mommy moment before she drifts off to sleep and she really needs to google the flying fox bat. The conversation started off innocently enough. "Hey mommy...just one more thing, please?" "OK, Amelia...just one more thing." "Guess what we talked about in Ms. D's class today?" "What?" "Guess! You have two guesses." "Um...math?" "Nope! Well, actually...yes, we did odd and even...but that's not what I'm trying to get you to guess!" "OK...how to ride a bike?" "Mommy, now you're being silly! We talked about bats!" "Like baseball bats?" "Ugh! Mommy! I'm trying to be serious!" "Oh, sorry..." "Did you know there are a whole bunch of different bats? Like fruit bats? And bee bats? And flying fox bats?" When a six-year-old with some k/g misarticulations and r misarticulations says "flying fox bat" it sound suspiciously close to "flying farts bat" which I asked her if that was what she said. Giggling hysterically, "Mommy! Do you seriously think God would make something called a flying farts bat? I said flying FOX bat...like the animal that is in the same family as the dog...like F-O-X...fox..." "Oh, sorry...I guess I don't know my bats very well." "Well, I guess you don't. Guess what my favorite part about bats are?" "What?" "They are nocturnal! I wish we were nocturnal!" "You do!?" "Yes...I think it would be fun to sleep during the day, and play and go to school at night. It would be fun. Actually, nevermind...it wouldn't. That would be terrible. I need dark to sleep...and quiet...and dinner..." Laughing at her and shaking my head, "Good night, Amelia..." "Wait, mommy! I need you to google that!" "No, Amelia! It's 8:30 and you need to be asleep! We took too long doing our reading and now we're late for bed!" "Please, mommy! I want to show you the flying fox bat!" "No, Amelia!" "But, mommy! You have to google it and look at him! Did you know that they have a six foot wingspan?" "No, Amelia...we need...wait, what? The bat has a six-foot wingspan?" She sits up straight and grins at me. "Yup! They can! They're the biggest bats in the world. Wanna see? All you have to do is google it!" She knows me...and she got me. I sat on the edge of her bed with my iPhone and googled "flying fox bat" and sure enough, those suckers are HUGE! It was fascinating to see the bats and how large they were. There were videos of one at a zoo. There was a video of one that was dead and stretched out to show it's wingspan. There was a video of a fight between a flying fox bat and a crow. Very fascinating. And before I know it, Amelia and I are laughing and talking about the bat and how interesting it is. And creepy...they are pretty creepy and I'm very glad that, according to Amelia, they only live in southern Asian countries because I might not like having bats the size of bald eagles in our area. After she sucked me into a few more videos I stand up and tell her it's past time for bed. She smiles at me, tells me I'm the coolest mommy ever and thanks me for letting her teach me about the bats. I laugh and tell her that I'm glad she shared with me. As she snuggles down into her pillow she laughs and says, "Hey, mommy...maybe you should google flying farts bats..." "Goodnight, Amelia!" "Goodnight, mommy...oh, just one more thing! You said they were creepy. I think they are interesting and I don't think that anyone should think they are creepy! I don't think any animal is creepy, you know why? Because God made all of the animals and even the creepy ones have a purpose, right?" "You're right, my smart girl! I love you so much! Now, good night!!" And once again, my daughter shares with me a last minute lesson in life because she is 100% correct! God has a purpose for everything...animal or not, there is a purpose...there is a lesson. There is something interesting or fascinating about everything in life. Even the trials and tribulations that we face! It's hard to notice those purposes as we're right in the middle of those moments, but there is a purpose. When I look back on the last few years, I know that I was stuck in the sorrow and heartache of what was going on in the moment. I wasn't looking for the lesson. I wasn't looking for God's purpose in that moment. I didn't care! I didn't think that He was possibly using this to teach me something, or to bring me something better! I didn't know. All I knew what my heart was broken. My family was reeling. My friends were trying hard to hold everything together for us. But it wasn't working. And then, through all of the bad, came good! There are so many blessings that I have seen as I have worked through this process. And although I'm still learning and weaving my way through life, I know that God has a purpose. God had a reason for bringing those trials into my life. And I may never fully understand them, but I don't have to! All I need to know is that God has a purpose. God has a plan! God has a story written for me and my girls and He knows exactly where we are going and where we are supposed to be. God created us, and He led us to this mess, and He will lead us through the mess and right out the other side. We only need to pause for just a moment and try and find the beauty in the situation. It's there! After everything started unravelling in life, I clung to quotes. The day after everything began, my sister texted me a picture and it said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." and that quote struck me...I knew there was a message there that I would one day appreciate. It didn't come to me right away, but the quote kept finding it's way back to me and I wrote it down everytime I saw it. I knew there was a message there that I would see someday. In the last couple weeks, this quote has come back around to me and reading it this time brought it to a whole new meaning. I had to lose what I lost, and I had to go through what I went through in order to make me into the person that I am today! And I think that's true for all of us! Whether we experience death or loss or ill health or hard times, we are all taking steps (or being led by our heavenly Father) through life with a purpose! And as hard as that path might get, we need to remember that purpose! Even if we don't know the purpose, we have to know that there is indeed a purpose! And it will be revealed to us someday, in His time! He makes everything beautiful! And I can see that so clearly right now. I see our purpose! I see my purpose! And I know that even if life is creepy, like the flying fox bat, that God created it, so that creepiness goes away! So, do me a favor...hang in there! Wait for your purpose because it's there! Be willing to let go, no matter how scary that may seem. Oh, and just one more thing...google the flying fox bat because...seriously...six foot wingspan...

Hello, Housekeeping?

I had a friend tell me once that the cleanliness of your home says a lot about how you are feeling in life. If you are depressed or sad or struggling in life, your house will reflect that. So, if you have a happy outlook on life, then your house should be neat and tidy and organized. I got mad at her for saying that because I didn't agree. I believed that everything was just fine. That life was good and I was happy and everything was fine! But, my house certainly did not reflect that. And if what she was saying was true, then I was a hot mess. I have always been a clean, organized person, almost to a fault. But more often than not in the last few yeara, my house has been a disaster. Toys everywhere, unfolded laundry piled high in the laundry room, dishes in the sink, my room just a few boxes away from qualifying us a prime spot on the TV show Hoarders. And I didn't care. I came up with lots of excuses. The kids like to play. I'd rather be playing with my kids that doing dishes. I don't have time. I'm too tired. No one will notice. And then one of my friends would drop by without warning and I would be humiliated and quickly launch into excuses about why my house was a mess. Oh, please excuse the mess. We are spring cleaning. Or, I was organizing my closet and wanted to wash all of these clothes. Or, the girls are building forts. Or, the dog got into that and I haven't had a chance to pick it up. I was mortified, even when my closest friends would stop by. This wasn't the kind of person I was. I didn't do messes. I didn't do piles. I didn't do dirty. What was wrong with me? And then, I realized that my friend was right. Your house and the way it is kept is a reflection of your happiness. I was not happy. And because I wasn't happy, I would much rather put the girls to bed and lie on the couch and watch TV than to take pride in my house and take pride in my things and do basic chores around the house. In my revelation in the last few weeks, that has changed for me also. I like my house. I didn't like my house for a long time, but I finally like my house. I like that we live here and I like that the girls and I are a family in our home. And you can see the changes in my daily routine. The laundry is done on a weekly basis (and I'm too tired to fold the rest of it right now and I'm actually feeling rather guilty) but a long day of cheering on my Seahawks means that tomorrow night will be folding the rest of the laundry night. My house is picked up, and organized, and the girls also have a vested interest in this. The dishes are washed and put away. My bedroom is starting to be cleared of the boxes and the rest of the mess. I can walk into my closet. The bathrooms are looking better. The girls are keeping their rooms clean. It is amazing the tranformation that my house has gone under the past few weeks...and I feel like it a direct reflction of how we are feeling in our home. And now, today's one more thing mommy moment: Tonight, when I got home from the Seahawks game, I noticed that we didn't pick up the house last night before we went to bed, so there is a lego set in the kitchen and princess toys in the dining room, and popcorn bowls from movie night on the couch and I shared with Amelia that I was worried. "Why are you worried, mommy?" "I've been so proud of how our house looks and all of the chores that we have been doing and we had a super busy weekend, so I'm worried that we'll get sucked back into our old ways of not getting things done and our house will be a disaster again." "No way, mommy! That's not going to happen! I promise!" "Well, I hope it won't, but I know how easy it is to get lazy with chores. Like I'm probably going to bed soon instead of folding laundry. I'm just exhausted!" "Mommy, I promise you that won't happen. You know why? It's called responsibility! And we all have it now! I love our house, and I love how we all feel in our house now. And there is nothing that can stop us!" And she is absolutely right. All three of us are settled in our house. We are all happy and enjoy living in the clean, organized, functional house that we now have. And even my six year old sees that we are happier. And we won't go back to our old ways. So, my heart is happy! My girls' hearts are happy! We are not depressed or stressed or worried about other things, and our house is a direct reflection of that! I am thrilled with where we are right now in life! And I know that we can do anything together! And we have fun doing things together...even if it involves cleaning. Because, as Amelia says, we have responsibility! And I am thankful to God for the blessings He has brought us to give us that responsibility. So, if you are in the neighborhood and would like to visit, come on over! Because my house is just the way we like it, and a beautiful reflection of how we are feeling in our hearts and souls. We would love to have you over...especially if you happened to drop in when things weren't that great! What a difference peace and joy make! All around for me and the girls!